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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
SurfingGiantess · 15/02/2020 07:19

Omg. I'm shocked at his reaction. He really doesn't care about you op. As harsh as that sounds.
Please please go see a solicitor and get things in motion.
Tell your children.
And then leave.
Picture your life in 5 years still with him? Miserable and not loved?
Or without him... possibly living closer to your friends... travelling, drinking wine and eating croissants in Paris... who knows. You'll be free! You get another shot at being just yourself! And once you're happy with yourself there can be another relationship I'm sure! One where someone treats you like a queen. Where he cares about you and loves you.

This is no life you live... it's just misery and he's grinding you down.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 15/02/2020 07:20

OW thought she wasn’t risking her marriage (or mine) as she swore DH to secrecy - hence her reaction when he told all to me.
He says “she’d be horrified if she saw how upset you are”.
I really wish he hadn’t told me. He seemed to think I’d make it better but it just dumped all the pain on me.

OP posts:
Sassanacs · 15/02/2020 07:21

Shit sake OP why are you still with him. Putting your life on hold for him while he fawns over her. He only told you about it because she dumped him!!

Wake up ffs

SinkGirl · 15/02/2020 07:22

Please please don’t waste another second of your life on him.

My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 60 and died at 61. Life is short - if you only had a little of it left is this how you want to spend it? Where do you want to go, what do you want to do? I don’t know but it sounds like you can afford to leave and have a happier life. I would go now. Maybe you’ll meet someone else, if that’s what you want, but alone is better than this.

My mum stayed in three horrific marriages because she was so afraid of being alone. It caused her so much damage right to the end. Everyone deserves better than this.

londonrach · 15/02/2020 07:23

Op..theresno point working on your marriage if his heart is elsewhere. Op leave him. You worth more than this xxx

foxystoatfoxypig · 15/02/2020 07:26

*Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own?
*
Yes! You flippin can! My mother did it in her late 60's last year! She left a narcissistic, emotionally & financially abusive, absolute wanker of a husband and now she is having the most wonderful time! Jetting off on holiday with friends, travelling all over the country to see old friends he made her cut off, enjoying her own space and time and thoughts. And the best part is my relationship with her has improved 10 fold.
You can do it OP! It won't be easy at first but it could well be a very happy life for you if you leave him. He is horrible to you! He has no respect for you! It won't get better. He will just become more bitter!
Also please speak to your GP about your depression.

user1497997754 · 15/02/2020 07:31

Omg you need a reality check....why are you letting this f....g wanker of husband treat you like this....you need to grow a backbone and get yourself a shit hit solicitor and take everything you can. You need to change your mindset he would still be shagging her if he could, the reality he chose her over you...as far as he us concerned you are second best. Is that how you want to live the rest if your life if so carry on. You have a fantastic opportunity to go and get the life you want and deserve....stop being scared of life without him. Stand up for yourself and get as much financially out if this marriage as you can and get starting a life where the world is your oyster

FourDecades · 15/02/2020 07:32

Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own?

You already are on your own ... just married still.

kateandme · 15/02/2020 07:37

you feel like this because your tied to someone who is abusing you,bringing you down and belittling your exhistence and worth.
you sit doing nothing because your still tied to him
you feel crap becasue you are not taking control and letting him control this whole thing.he controls how you feel.whehther you split or not,how happy you should be about him or this other woman,how social you should be,how angry.your NOT his submissive op leave him.
i so depserately want to hear from you that you are happy and on your own living free.that you have made friends and started reading or riding or doing art on the top of hilltops.that you can walk in the sun or the snow and just feel the burden from your shoulders.
would you meet someone again who knows?but you are being made miserable by this man.
his actions are unforgivable.people cheat and marriages work on it.but not like this.he doesnt want forgiveness he just was dumped with nowhere to go.and now hes trying to bring you down to his scummy level.
but he cant because you havent done anything wrong.
so you need to leave him.
i promise once you habe the shackless off,once you start to smile again at the little things you will be fully able to handle anything esle like house money etc.because you will know in your heart being free is better than this shit.
dont die like this.dont suspend the rest of your years living like this.
you will leave it a while out of fear.and then five years.a decade.then what.
this is your chance.
be brave
be scared.because how good will that fear of the unknown compared to this!

kateandme · 15/02/2020 07:40

plus tell the bastard a few home truths.that this woman thought nothing of him than a shag.becasue as soon as the fun stopped with the secret getting out she left him.he was a game to her.a worthless one at that.

TheReef · 15/02/2020 07:42

OMG OP!! What a vile, selfish, self centred man...

If course you can have a fulfilling, brilliant life at 60, tbh what you've said about him leads me to believe you've not had a great life with him (excluding the affair).

Go and see your gp, plus go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand legally and financially.

I do hope it's him that's left the marital home and not you.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/02/2020 07:45

Can you imagine a blank canvas, and paint how you want your life to be.

Where would you live? Who would you be near? How do you see your days shaping up?

Do it all. FUCK HIM. Do what you want to do now.

OneOfTheGrundys · 15/02/2020 07:46

OP you need a life shot of this pathetic specimen.
I run in a social running club twice a week. Many women are over 60 in the club and many are divorced, widowed, single for whatever reason and are living full, fantastic lives. Some with sadness and thoughtfulness but full and rich nonetheless.
He does NOT define you.

Wanteddownunder · 15/02/2020 07:47

@Filly2011your husband doesn’t love you and it doesn’t sound as though he has for a long time.
He would be off like a shot if the ow gave him a chance.
You need to take control of the situation and tell him it’s over. I understand how hard this must be. You will grieve yourself for the life you expected lead with him but you will find strength over time

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/02/2020 07:49

I’m so sorry, you must have been married for so long & you get used to your life & being together.

Life is what you make it though and there will be other women in your area who have had this happen too. A woman in the next town to us formed a huge Facebook friendship club, they all go out for meals etc. You could form a first wives club when the dust settles.

Write down a list of things that are worrying you. Then write the solution down next to it. You could get parking lessons off a driving school no problem. They’d be glad of a client who doesn’t talk about love island.

Greenkit · 15/02/2020 07:50

Does her husband know about the affair?

You can start again, first thing is a solicitor

soleilviolet · 15/02/2020 07:54

Why would you stay? He's letting you know you're not number 1.

End it, and move on.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2020 07:56

Thing is op husband will be off as soon as he’s found someone else, that’s what men like this do. They bide their time and then when they get themselves sorted there of

Surely it’d be better to sort out your own life, socialising, making friends and leave him to wallow

FlowerArranger · 15/02/2020 08:01

I really wish he hadn’t told me

WHAT ???

AzraiL · 15/02/2020 08:06

Please learn to love and fight for yourself. Your children have grown and are independent. The time to put yourself first is now. Don't waste another minute on this man.

MrsWhisker · 15/02/2020 08:08

OW would be horrified by your upset?

That's hilarious.

She shouldn't have fucked your husband then, should she?

Look, stop believing anything this toad says. He and she are vile.

Butterfly44 · 15/02/2020 08:11

Dear Op,
With all your updates it gets worse....with all due respect you deserve more and your marriage is definitely over. He checked out and doesn't seem to care. And you can't make someone feel what you want them to.
I know it's scary, and change is scary, but you can't continue years like this!!! It's no life.
You you CAN start again at 60. You can move if you fancy and do and find things you enjoy. My mother has just discovered volunteering and those 3hrs a week are her highlight.
You start thinking about yourself and what you want. Am sure your children will support you all the way!

cheeseandpineapple · 15/02/2020 08:12

I guess when the OP says she wishes he hadn’t told her she’s thinking ignorance is bliss.

OP you say you’re feeling too depressed to think about the practicalities of your situation. Would you consider seeing a family mediator who can help you resolve your financial situation and work out terms of a separation? You can look for one in your local area.

www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/

Some practical advice might help you see the path ahead and you can start to move towards an independent life. It’s going to take a bit of time but you’ll get there step by step.

One of you needs to take charge here, better that it’s you steering things to a positive outcome for yourself rather than have your future determined by someone who couldn’t give a shiny shit about you.

MrsWhisker · 15/02/2020 08:17

Take back your power.

Get a solicitor.

Start the divorce ball rolling.

You don't need to tell him any of this.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 15/02/2020 08:18

He apparently thinks his whole life has been shit. Just badly treated by one person after another. Her dumping him final straw.

Jesus, what a self absorbed twat. He sounds like my mother. Why are you sticking around to be constantly reminded that you are second best and he’s only there because she didn’t want him?

I understand how hard it would be to leave and start again at your stage in life, but surely it’s got to be better than another 20 years of this? He is taking you for a mug.