Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Do you still love him?

I know this is besides the point OP, but get some parking lessons!! We moved into a narrow street with territorial parkers and i had a couple of lessons with a driving instructor in my car parking on my street. Made me feel so much more confident.

I also believe you deserve better than the life you're currently leading. Best of luck.

Tell him it's time to go. He has totally disrespected you as his wife and you no longer want him. Please do that for your own self respect.

This is about him, and not you. He was responsible for being 'so unhappy' for 15 years, and doing nothing to fix things. When you leave him he still won't be happy. You can be.

He sees you just as the fallback option - he believes you'll never leave him. He's a manipulative, selfish, lying, emotionally abusive prick. You aren't doing yourself any favours by staying with him - he's just going to sap you of your self respect.

Doesn't it trouble you that this would never have come to a head if she hadn't dumped him? And now you're meant to think of his feelings?
Tell your children, tell a lawyer and get out.

Oh, what a sad deluded twat he is. These stupid, STUPID pathetic men always think like this about the OW and the affair- "she always listens! She's always so kind! She always pays attention to me!" BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HAVING TO LIVE WITH YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON!!!

Op, he is a very stupid sad man who honestly believes in this delusion of perfection with her. These men who end up leaving the wife and moving in with the Disney OW then find out...Oh.surprise surprise, it's not all roses! Chores still need doing. Bills still need paying. She quickly gets tired of the fact she is now saddled with a cheating dishonest piece of shit.

You are well shot of him. You are worth SO much more than this - without that piece of shit dragging you down you will find yourself free and smiling sooner than you believed possible.

We create our own happiness. He sounds miserable and you are doing the right thing by leaving him. Join groups. Be sociable. If he blames you for his shit life, then tell him he was free to leave whenever he wanted.

He wants you to be as miserable as he is. Don’t give him that satisfaction. He is a twat.

Other posters have said what a dispicable twat he is.

I have to say how dare he expect you to console him over is sads about OW? I mean wtf? Tell him to tell someone who f ing cares as you certainly don't want to hear that shit!

If you haven't been to chump lady website already, it might be good. It's at chumplady dot com. She tells it like it is about cheaters and she calls out everyone of their pathetic games.

You have a chance for a do over.
I'm around your age and got rid of my cheating exH. I'm having a great time. I'm still in my career but do a lot of remote work now.

Last year I walked the Camino del Santiago and had a blast and met so many people. I've take up art again and started dancing lessons. I'm going to learn proper photography too and maybe even write a book.

It's amazing how free you feel when you unload the dead weight of a misery guts and you start thinking about things that you have always wanted to do but haven't yet.

If this is for real all that matters in my mind, at mid sixties of age, is MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

Get to a solicitor and work out how to stop him taking half your pension or the house or anything else you possess. The difference between a happy old age and a lonely, boring old age is MONEY!!!

Everyone else has the relationship advice and big for you on that. (I echo that you will be far, far happier on your own then with this Cock-Womble).

I just had to come in and say something about the parking. I get it. I really do. Very similar situation for me when we moved. I spent £30 on an hour with a driving instructor to teach me/help me practice parking. In his car initially (so with the dual controls) and then we did it in mine. Probably was the most boring hour imaginable for the instructor but helped me immeasurably. I can now park fucking anywhere.

Can you talk to one of the kids? Don't worry about protecting his choices. Have you confided in anyone at all or is he insisting you keep his dirty secret? Don't protect him, he doesn't deserve it. Just because he's good at keeping secrets doesn't mean you have to be.

See a solicitor then you can make an informed decision about finances, things might look a little clearer.
Why have you stayed? Love? Upheaval? Finances? The latter two you'll get loads of support on here, love? Well you've posted on here so that's a start........it's your whole life, of course it's a massive decision to make, look at the finances and at least you'll have a clear picture of the life you're going to have.

OP, please make today the first day of the rest of your life. Really, there is so much waiting for you if you get shot of him.

And also, this:
Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own

You already are on your own ... just married still

Echoing what everyone else is saying – leave now, while you're still relatively young and healthy enough not to be dependent on him, and vice versa. Forget being your husband, he's not even being your friend right now! The comments he's making are downright cruel and nasty and if a friend confided in you what you've written down here, you'd be telling them to leave! Can you book a trip to visit your family or your friend to get some in-person support?

You are in your sixties and you've had a long marriage. I get it. The idea of being alone is scary, I get that too. My marriage broke up after 22 years because of his affair, and we got married when I was 20. I was very scared, humiliated, embarrassed, but I had no choice. I had to get on with it. I met my 2nd husband, the absolute love of my life, when I was 55. By that time I was happy being single. I was in charge of my own finances, so no more worries about whether the gas or electricity had been paid. I could go out or stay in and not have to worry about anyone else, I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted. I could watch what I wanted on TV. Occasionally I wished I had someone to go to events with, but always found that cinema, theatre, etc, were absolutely fine by myself (sometimes better!). I'd go out for meals, and take a book. I had peace of mind. I wasn't worried about where my husband was or who he was seeing.
Now, in a very happy marriage with somebody who wants to be with me, I realise that the great loss I had thought I'd had the first time, wasn't such a great loss. We have children and grandchildren, so we have always spent time together, and now have a very affectionate friendship. But at the end of a day together, I can give him a kiss and a hug goodbye, and be grateful when I drive away, that the man beside me is someone who would never betray or hurt me, because he wants to be with me.
Don't be afraid of being on your own. When you get used to it, it will be fine.

I've only read the first three pages....

I may not divorce him, but I'd definitely disengage and start living my own life. I'd be coming and going as I please.

I would not be doing anything like cooking for him or anything else you did.

I'd start going away on my own or with friends...no joint holidays with him...no talk of the future...because there wouldn't be one with him.
The only courtesy would be letting him know I'm off...he would be treated like a flatmate.

I wouldn't be unpleasant...I'd just live my own life and let him do the same.
He's only wanting the marriage to work because she dumped him as you know.

From your updates: OW was way less invested in this relationship than your H thinks. She seems to have been doing a version of the stereotypical male thing of having a fling that she really didn’t want to get complicated. Sure, she was kind, fun etc. As pp have said, she didn’t have to live with him, listen to his snoring, wash his socks etc. He’s really idealising this relationship. It’s as if he believes his psychological pain ennobles his actions. You’ve both hit a big crossroads here: if he is going to immortalise this woman as ‘the one’ and gaze sorrowfully into the middle distance every time a mundane issue or a big one - like your feelings - appears, there will be less and less space for you. You could give him his freedom (to find another ideal woman and wash his own socks) while you find out what else is out there in life for you.

@HelgaHere1
Get to a solicitor and work out how to stop him taking half your pension or the house or anything else you possess

Can you imagine a man trying to do this to a woman ? All hell would break loose . Sadly it works both ways.

Start thinking in possibilities, think of the fun you could have without him. You could be you again, take up hobbies and activities, meet loads of people, socialise, be free from this awful man

When my FIL did this to my MIL, aged 60, DH and his sisters all sided with their mum. She changed her life around, did solo trips to Africa (he had never wanted to go), took up a volunteering position and a new PT job, met lots of fun new people. Got a dog (he never wanted to) She blossomed. Then, sadly, she took him back. But now the relationship is on her terms, not his.

You have one life only. Don’t waste it on an unworthy man.

@SandyY2K

I may not divorce him, but I'd definitely disengage and start living my own life. I'd be coming and going as I please

Why on earth would she do that ? What a miserable existence .

Your relationship with your dh is over. You need to take control now and move on otherwise it will become 'toxic', if it already hasnt.

Make plans now to separate your assets so you don't lose out.

Do it without him knowing.

And then surprise him!

Good God.
He is happily comparing you to this wonderful woman, as if you are his therapist.
How you can do anything but despise this pathetic self absorbed arrogant little man is beyond me.
He is grieving for her, but still living with you, but would rather have lived with her, but that little plan backfired.
& you presumably are still washing his yellow Y fronts for him.
How long can you imagine accepting this ? knowing that you are just a servant & he just doesn't give a jot about how you feel

Thank you everyone. Once I get the hang of the car I’ll be fine. I will be able to drive over to my best friend’s with my little dog. I’m not confident to drive a long way yet. I’ve only had the car a few weeks.
I’ve got a nice job. I’m in marital home (he in rented flat). I’m ok really. I’ve just been so utterly fed up. I felt I had made a big effort with the couples counselling but the ‘love ow’ thing has made it all seem a pointless struggle. The therapist says I have to be patient and wait for OW to fade from DH mind. He can’t just switch his affections apparently but he's ‘chosen me’ as he’s committed to counselling and the marriage.
I’ll tell the kids eventually. I’ve told my 2 oldest friends now so that’s a big help.