Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

I can't believe that HE is blaming YOU for being angry that he had an affair.

Sadly, I'm afraid it sounds as if the OW could have him back any time she wants if she changes her mind - so I don't see what advantage there is for you putting up with his moods and nastiness. He sounds awful, TBH, take the opportunity to get away from him.

Get your finances sorted out and start living your life as you want to live it. You don't have to sit on your own watching rubbish telly. Find something that interests you and get out of the house and do it.

Time to leave his lying, whining, gaslighting arse. You deserve better.

Please divorce this shitbag.
What a complete fucking twat he is.
You can make a fresh start without this absolute loser.

“Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own? Kids all gone. Family all in another country. Closest friends 100 miles away.” Yes!

Why can’t you move away are you still working?

If so transfer? Get another job?

Nothing to stop you moving, nearer to kids, nearer to friends.

Or make new friends and enjoy all the positives to being single.

I’ve been single 17 years, very much doubt I’ll ever live with another adult again they’d have to be someone VERY special for me to give up all the benefits to living alone!

Go read the happy singles threads.

This emotional self flagellation is pointless, you are flogging a horse that’s not only dead it’s rotten!

Let him wallow in the misery HE created! No more than he deserves.

I’m another with a mum trapped in a miserable marriage. She’s in her 70’s she could well live into her 90’s and beyond yet she’s wasting her life being miserable.

Her friends are a mix of happily married, divorced and widowed at this stage. They have a rare old time going to the theatre, meals out, art shows, casinos etc the single ones date, not too seriously either they quite like “playing the field”. They go on weekends away, holidays including long cruises and “hippy trail” one is a retired nurse and she went and volunteered overseas for few months with a medical charity and loved it.

You could well live another 30+ years op do you really want to spend all that time miserable with a man who sounds a classic narcissistic twat?

The “unhappy marriage” bollocks is just cheaters script (google or even mn search this) classic deflection!

Plus if HERS was supposedly so unhappy why did she choose her husband?

Nah its bullshit!

Dump his sorry arse! And tell your dc the truth about why!

Erm, I really don’t think this is as simple as LTB. And yes, it is not the same to rebuild your life at 60 than at 40. I know that everybody knows of someone who found true love at 80 (my aunt did) but for every one older person who did there are far many that didn’t.

I’m not saying you should stay with someone who is treating you that badly, but I would say you need to keep apart until you both had enough time on your own to decide what you both want. In the mean time, while he “grieves” prepare your exit, talk to a solicitor, find ways to protect your assets and above all, start building a good network to support you as a single person. And believe me, the best way to find that network is by opening to people about your worries/feelings.

And yes, you need to tell your children, we may hurt them far more by trying to “protect” them. They are adults who live independently, they can live with it. It is not as if they are going to mess up their GCSEs or drop off university if they get upset by the news.

Give him the time to heal but in the meant time, carefully put your ducks in a row and see this time as a trial about what life as a single person can be. This would put you in a much better position to decide if you want him back or not.

In a nutshell, let the dust settle, have a trial of single life and then, just then, decide whether you want to salvage this relationship.

I'm your age OP. I tried for 5 years after he had a brief affair, but even though he wasn't an asshole and we mostly got on really well - in the end it just wasn't working for me. I never got over it until I made the decision to leave, at which point, miraculously, I stopped caring.

I'm on my own now and very contented, happy even. I can listen to MY music any time I choose. I don't have to cook if I don't feel like it. I'm out every day/evening doing stuff, meeting friends (new and old), going to exhibitions, theatre, Meetup events, volunteering. I may even start dating again. There aren't enough hours in the day! While he is sat on his sofa watching funny cats and dogs on YouTube...

What helped me:
Moving back to where my friends are
Focusing on things that give me joy
Counselling
Reading 'Codependent No More`
The Chumplady website

Op, there are plenty of women here who found themselves in this or similar situations when in their 50’s and 60’s and who now live a very happy life. I’m one of them.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t let my fear hold me back from separating. I’d more than likely not be looking ahead very far but I’d certainly be living on my own taking it a day at a time. You deserve peace and shouldn’t be having to listen to your husband.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

You need to think what's best for you now.

Wow, this man really does take the biscuit

He has a shit life...it’s up to him if he has a shit life, his choices have made it shit

He choose to have an affair, if his life was shit for 15 years why didn’t he change it?

He’s just looking to lay the blame at anyone else’s door and seriously doesn’t give a shit how you feel, otherwise he’d have some understanding of why you’re angry

You say you’ll be lonely on your own, I know that being stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn’t care about you but stays because he doesn’t want to be on his own will be far lonelier, upsetting and miserable than going it on your own.

Leave him. Otherwise you'll always know you're second best. Fear of being alone is not a good reason to stay together. Go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

He’s horrible and will not be a great companion or caregiver in your old age. Thank the lucky stars the children have flown the nest and start again.

Rejoice in your own house and belongings. Make new local friends and have coffee, host dinners, go to the cinema. Enjoy watching the tv but also read, knit, draw, anything! When you’re ready, get dating again!

Thank you for all the advice. I know I should be getting on with planning my single life and I am trying (I recently bought a car and am starting to drive again after 20 years).
I just feel very low and depressed and everything is a worry. I’m even worrying about not being able to park the bloody car now! I know I’ll get through this but I haven’t got the heart for confronting him about money the house etc. It’s like I need to be very strong but I just feel depleted and weak.
I can’t believe he’s the same man tbh. He seems like a horrible stranger. He says OW was just lovely to be around and cheerful and kind every day. Not like me apparently.
When I ask what she actually did to make him so happy he gets angry - it’s none of my business and “there’s no recipe for happiness you can copy Filly”.he also says he’s angry with her for just running off as soon as she knew he had told me about the affair. “How can she just go off without a word when we had such a significant relationship”
He seems to forget he’s actually married to me and I don’t need to hear this!

He's a knobber. Sorry.

Of course the ow was lovely to be around. That's the easy part. Without the drudgery of real life.

She's not lovely. Like your husband, she's a nasty deceitful slug who thinks nothing of betraying her spouse.

The pair of them are scum.

Your husband lives in a fantasy land. He's a child.

You are not responsible for him and his happiness and you have to cut him loose for your own survival.

Now, you are of course going to feel absolutely wretched. You've been living with this creep for years and he's drained you of any happiness or sense of self worth.

Meanwhile, massive congratulations on the driving. Big step. Parking can be tricky but as your get more experience, you'll get better. Like with anything.

I really hope that you can see the opportunities that lie your way. Step over your dishonest, self pitying slug of a husband and start enjoying yourself.

You don't have to sit at home watching shit telly. You can do what you want.

But also take good care of yourself. Indulge yourself. Be kind. But not to him.

oh dear OP. Of course you feel depressed, but it's him bringing you down.

You need to seize the power! Take control and then you'll feel much better. Tell him not to come back, cut contact. Tell your friends and your children - they'd want to know, and they'll support you

It sounds like you have all the positive attributes - the friends, the social life, the money! And he's just bringing you down. Move back to your friends - live a fantastic life!

I'm not as old as you, but left a long marriage, and haven't looked back. My ex is miserable and resentful of me. Life alone isn't shit - it's lovely. (and this from an extravert who doesn't like being alone!).

Honestly, if you take control, you'll start to feel so much better. There is no respect (from him, or from you) for you at the moment . And he's just dragging you down. Git.

Oh and one of the steps in taking the power? See a shit hot lawyer. Get advice. Move forward. You'll find it empowering.

I just feel very low and depressed and everything is a worry.

Of course you are feeling overwhelmed. Your whole life has been turned upside down! See your GP and ask for an antidepressant. I resisted for years, but I really wish I hadn't. Cymbalta gave me the kick start I needed and I feel great.

I’m even worrying about not being able to park the bloody car now!

Book yourself a few refresher lessons and then just start driving. It's a bit like riding a bike - you'll never forget how to do it.

I know I’ll get through this but I haven’t got the heart for confronting him about money the house etc.

No need to confront. First, gather all your financial stuff, including pensions. Get up to speed on the divorce process and division of assets by reading up at Wikivorce and getting some books such as Divorce for Dummies. Knowledge is power! Then see a competent divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. Stay calm and focused and don't let emotions run away with you.

It’s like I need to be very strong but I just feel depleted and weak.

Of course you do. See point 1 above. But trust me on this: you WILL feel better and stronger once you dust yourself down and take charge of what will be your most important project: working out how you want to lead the rest of this, your only one and precious life.

You can do this. You are not alone. Many have walked this path before you and many will follow.

You may not have a fabulous life, but it will be a better life than this.

He is being cruel and disrespectful to you. I cannot see how any relationship could ever recover from this. I echo others thoughts, move away - physically or emotionally. Get some space and time away from him and his bitter, toxic self. Don’t worry about what you are going to do next, or how your life is going to look in 5 years. Just get out of this mess. It isn’t fair on you, but you can grieve for what you have lost when the dust settles.

Get legal advice, get the ball rolling on a divorce and separate out your finances. He sounds like a very selfish man, so he won’t care about your comfort or wellbeing at all.you need to protect yourself.

I wish you luck and strength. You can do this - you deserve so much better than this.

I never say this OP, but you absolutely need to LTB. I can't quite believe that one person could be so absolutely awful. Please don't stay with him

OP no wonder you feel depleted, you've been sucked dry by this man, who's all about taking. Where's the giving in him. How does he try and make you happy. I'm afraid he's trained you over the years to put his needs first otherwise you're selfish, a drag, moany etc. Actually, that's all HIM. You will see that one day but you're too caught up with his narrative to see it now.

Please don't think you're weak, you must have been really strong to have kept up your spirits and jollied along this joy-sucker for all these years. No wonder OW dumped him. She was obviously a fresh supply of jollity having not been worn down by him for years. Not surprising she could be cheery.

Some women are so trained to put their men's needs first. I've been like that. So we feel we need to fix them and ensure they are happy or we can't be. But it's nonsense. Everyone has to make their own happiness. If he moans, ask him what he's doing to make things better. How is he changing things in his life to bring more joy? What is he doing for you to make you happy?

Focus on you and you alone. What do you need OP? What would bring you joy (not related to him but in your own right)? How can you provide self-care? Massages, country walks, the cinema, theatre, a night in a beautiful hotel, a concert, meditation, a cruise? Whatever it is, start doing it for you. You can do these things on your own or with friends or a meet up group. Get some counselling for you, not couples counselling, which will be all about him anyway. He doesn't want you happy and fulfilled because then you'll realise what a drain he is.

Good luck

Wow he sounds awful. I would rather be single than have him, why waste your retirement with this loser? I hope you find a way to be happy OP. I dont think hes going to forget her, if anything she will become more legendary in his mind, as he couldn't have her.

You will be able to manage yourself and the day to day running of your life when you only have yourself to hold up. At the moment you are dealing with all his shit.

With the car, don't park in a space you don't feel comfortable parking in. Park further away if you feel like it's easier. The advantage of being by yourself if you don't have to justify stuff like that to other people. You can park wherever you want.

I have lost over a stone in weight. When some visiting friends remarked that I was getting very thin DH said “yes it’s good isn’t it?” As if I had just been dieting.
Now I’m writing this I can see how wrong it all is.
When I say OW is horrible bitch DH says ‘why don’t you go and tell her that?’ Weird.

Sounds like OW finally saw through him anyway. She risked her own marriage to have an affair so she must have seen something in him. But she dumped him and he is liking his wounds. Put yourself first OP, he needs a kick up the arse.

The parking thing is because all the neighbours are really territorial about parking (residents permits). I can’t be doing with the horrible confrontations. It will get better as I get more practised.

He's an absolutely horrible man. I'm so furious for you!
It says a lot about that wonderful relationship that she buggered off as soon as he told you about it Romeo and Juliet they ain't.
You are brave and strong and you can get through all of this. Being happy and free would be beautiful revenge.
I am sending you a big hug.