Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Wow. If my DH cheated on me, I forgave him and took him back I would expect him to be grateful! I don't think there is any getting past this is there? Please make sure you have funds and legal advise then kick him to the curb and find someone who appreciates you.

Omg OP draw a line and move past this and him!!

He’s ruined the marriage but will only ruin your life if you let him. You can move on make a new life.

Ugh, sorry you're going through this.

I originally thought this might be a case where he believed he was genuinely in love with two people, actively chose you and the marriage, and wasn't able to move on as quickly as he's expected in spite of trying. But it's clearly not that at all.

Saying he only really thinks about her when I get upset and berate him about the affair sounds like gaslighting - he's only wallowing because YOU are being mean and vindictive and angry. If you suddently start being all sweetness and light to him, will he magically "get over it"? It's been months!

Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own? Are you having a fabulous life at 60, NOT on your own? Which life do you want in 5 or 10 years?

I agree with LonginesPrime - consider separate counselling. You might even be done talking about the relationship, but want to talk through your hopes and fears about starting over, especially if you're not telling family and friends yet. Also - reading through all your follow-ups - he hasn't just broken your trust, he's smashed it to smithereens, jumped up and down on them, and blamed you for it. I would be surprised if that HASN'T played havoc with your self-confidence!

He got to put his side of things when he was cheating on you.
He is a liar.
He’s abusive.
He’s trying to make you feel bad for his shitty actions.
You have one life. Life is short. Get him out of yours.
If I were you, I wouldn’t speak to him about anything else ever again, let alone the OW.
Easy for internet strangers to say I know but just don’t let him ruin your future

Yes she is very kind and sympathetic. She made him feel great he says. Had so much time for him. Cunt to her husband though, eh? I remember your other posts. 60 is no age to settle for this kind of treatment. You could be looking at another 40 years of his self-pitying bullshit.

(Obviously no age is any age to settle for this kind of treatment!)

You’re not hopeless

Your life isn’t ruined

And I am not making little of how difficult this all might be when I say ‘go and live a fabulous life’. How you’re feeling will get better in time but only if you make positive steps away from him.
I’d second the vote for a holiday.... think you deserve one.

He’s a narcissist, all the classic traits. Google narcissist, read a book on it, get strong. Make him leave.

Tell your children NOW. They are grown up and you need their support.

Ignore whatever crap that comes out of your husbands mouth. Whatever he says has nothing to do with why he is not happy. He is not happy because he is a narcissist and will blame you for anything and everything no matter what you do.

Stop listening to his drivel and start focusing on you. Tell yourself you are a good person, he was lucky to have you and now he has squandered it all for nothing.

Yes being by yourself is scary but you will get used to it and will start to enjoy it. It is less scary than living with a narcissist,
I have in year 4 of escaping from 25 years with one and each year gets easier and better.

Good luck you can do this.

Wow the nerve of him.

You can have a good life without him. It may not be easy to begin with because it's a loss of identity and it's growth and adjustment etc.. but there is great self-worth to be taken from the sheer self-efficacy of saying 'no, no, I am nobody's second best''. I would tell your children as well.

May I ask you a question, gently ?

Are you staying with him because of habit and cowardice ?

Please think hard about the answer and then reflect on it .

Best of luck x

This man is toxic. You deserve so much better. Your life is not over you’re only 60. My grandma met the love of her life at 70 and I’ve never seen her happier. If you leave him then it doesn’t mean you’ll spend the rest of your life alone, it’s never too late to meet someone else.

One of the many horrible things is they used my house when I was at work and she drove our car. She also came for the weekend once with her husband and I cooked dinner and stuff for them. She sometimes messaged me to say my husband had had a tiring day at work and was on his way back.

WHAT! all that happened and he's still there?

WTF is going on, have you no self respect?..

You bar is very very low if you are entertaining the thought of staying with him. He doesn’t sound remorseful in the slightest, just feeling sorry for himself that the woman he wanted to be with dumped him. And the ‘probably’ thing?? Really OP? I know it must be incredibly daunting to be facing a new life without him but is your self respect so low, you’re willing to tolerate this? Do you really think if she hadn’t dumped him, that he’d be wanting to stay with you and work on your marriage?

You want an lovely life? This isn’t a lovely life, what you have right now and going forward with him, no matter what happens isn’t going to be lovely either because she’ll always be there, a negative presence in your marriage and you’ll always know he’s only with you because she didn’t want him anymore.

Run now and go and create that lovely life for yourself

Wow, set him free to go live his hashtagbestlife.

He sounds extremely self-absorbed and so selfish.

I hope you leave him, OP, and move closer to the people you want around you — friends or family. He’s knocked your confidence, so rebuild by joining interest groups and doing activities you enjoy with compatible people. It does take time to make new friends, but you couldn’t be much lonelier than you are now. I wish yoj thd best of luck. Making the break is the hardest bit— it all getx easier after that.

I so, so feel for you, I do think looking up gaslighting would help.

I wanted to say something about you feeling like you were just watching tv and then waiting for bedtime - this is really normal when you are embarking on a big life change. Please don’t feel like you are wasting time or anything, you need this space to recover. Please be gentle with yourself, you deserve to be kind to yourself. All the advice on here is spot on - my mum recently went through a very similar breakup at a similar age. I know that it has been tough for her and there was a big adjustment period but now she has moved close to friends and she has filled her days as much as she wants to. She is now in control of her life, her money and she leads a fulfilling life helping others. Not a bad place to be at 65!

If you look at it another way - if you decide to seize the agenda and decide you are going to move on with your life on your own terms then you will soon be very busy and making lots of decisions. Hopefully those will feel exciting in time.

Wishing you all the very, very best.

Xx

Look honestly if you leave you may not find another love to replace him.
But on the other hand you don’t have to spend all day living with someone that fancies someone else and feeling not good enough by a man who vowed to love you forever.
Yes it’s frightening having no one to do stuff with but it’s not as lonely as living with someone that doesn’t want to be with you.

Let him live with the consequences of his actions. There are a vast number of interesting , fun p, single 60+ women out there living life. Join them, not some marriage that makes you feel shit everyday.

I'm not usually one to say LTB but how on earth could you stay with him? You are second best!

Also, just to say, this part of the process is shocking and horrible. Please don’t beat yourself up about where you are right now. This is so hard. I’m sure you feel sick and exhausted. Be kind to yourself and rally the people who care about you - friends and family.

He’s already left you, despite what he says. You deserve better.

He really has done a number on you. I bet this was not his first affair.
Everyone keeps saying you have 30 + years left. Well what if you've only got 5 ?
Do you want to spend them listening to his bullshit ?
I'm in your age group, life is far too short to waste on him.

I left my husband after 38 years of marriage and my only regret is I should have done it at least 10 years earlier. My grown up children have been massively supportive and I’m enjoying my independence and peace of mind. I left the family home and I’m in rented accommodation which is a little unsettling but I’m not living in a toxic atmosphere any more.
My ex had a number of affairs that I know about and my mistake was staying put because I thought I was doing the right thing for the children. I finally made my move when the youngest went to university but realise now, having spoken to them all, that they would have coped and my happiness is important to them.
Unfortunately for my ex husband his children have very little to do with him. The younger two haven’t had contact of any sort for 12 months but that is their decision and quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve a family.
OP, your (D)H sounds a lot like mine was. Narcissistic, unpleasant, thoughtless, bitter - it will only get worse. I encourage you to move on without him in your life.

Be honest OP, you're never going to forgive him are you? Even if you managed to, you won't forget it or let it lie. He says he's been unhappily married for 15yrs, so he checked out a long time ago, and instead of leaving or talking to you about it, he went and found an OW to have to himself, whilst you looked after him at home. If you stay together you'll be nothing more than his maid OP - I don't even think you can be his friend even after all these revelations.
If you were married 5 years, and he did this, how would you react?
Please confide in one of your children, someone who knows him and you best - you must not feel any kind of guilt in telling someone, it's his doing, his actions, his conscious decisions that have caused all of this, and you are just the messenger, so do tell someone and stop protecting his honour, as he lost that a long time ago.

Yes, you can have a great new life in your 60's. I left my cheating husband at 54, and remarried a lovely man when I was 62. There is life after 60. You don't have to stay with this nasty cheating man from habit and fear of the unknown. Best wishes to you .

Leave him