Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Thanks for kind words kick up the a**e etc.
I am wallowing in self pity myself now! At work but can’t stop thinking about it all.

What an idiot I am! I’ve managed to turn a situation about me into one all about him. I’m the bad guy now it seems.

I’ve heard as well that he’s not sitting in his flat weeping (surprise) he’s been out with friends for cinema and fancy dinners. They are “looking after him” apparently.

Urgh. Avoid those “friends”!

OP is clear hes been living the high life and stringing you along surely you can see how he has played this.

You can't seriously still want him?
I don't know how you could still want someone that had blatantly treated you with disrespect and doesn't care about your feeling.

Time to get your head out of the sand start divorce proceedings and protect yourself financially because he will come after you.

GET PROACTIVE OP.
ITS IMPERATIVE.

Time to get a solicitor OP because I bet the farm he already has one. Don't be caught on the backfoot.

Do you have to stay in work op?

Could you give yourself the afternoon off; go home and have a good cry and then get on to your solicitor.

By the way, it’s ok to feel sad. You can’t bypass these emotions, so don’t feel bad about that 💐

His friends might be looking after him op, but trust me they'll be thinking what a tit he is being.

Have a good old wallow then take control, go see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, sort out the finances, strike whilst he's having his pity party. Really give the test something to grieve over

Ditch those friends!! Bet he’s spinning them some shit sad story.

I’m not surprised you’re wallowing, your whole world has been turned upside down.

Now is the time to take control though, you need to drive this forward, don’t wait on him doing anything.

Book some time with a SHL, plan things to do that will bring you joy, see some friends that you trust.

OP you need to get a damn good lawyer now .... do not delay

While you are at work, unless you changed the locks he can be going through all paperwork and removing financial stuff. He could even get the locks changed himself and bar you from the place. A friend got a divorce all his male mates gave him advice which he followed quickly completely stuffed his wife who was still in the grieving stage.

What did your solicitor say??

Sorry missed that you have not seen a solicitor OP. I did warn you he would go from self pity to hopping mad.

@Filly2011, I’m in the same position as you and about the same age. Not as financially secure at the moment though. I found going no contact the best way to heal. And posting on the ‘Some Friendly Words’ thread where we are in the same boat. I’ve been blamed, told it was all my fault, told that he had told me how how unhappy he was (I must have been preening my ears during that conversation!), told I had wasted my talents, that nobody liked me, that there was nothing he liked about me, that he hadn’t loved me for a very long time, I could go on and on and on. I got shark eyes, rolling eyes, sad eyes, teary eyes, the whole works. It was total b*&(£#c&s! I’m in the Freedom Programme (he’s a headworker - I can write a book about the games he’s played and continues to play and I probably will as I’ve wanted to for some time).

You are strong and mighty, he is weak and pathetic. A coward. Move on with pride! Shed the rotting wood. x

Anger didn't get you anywhere before because what you wanted was it all to go away and life to return to normal. And no emotion was going to achieve that.

Your goal now should be financial security and a new life with you as the star. Anger WILL help you achieve this. That and a shit hot lawyer. Cos I guarantee that will you are in self pity mode (understandably), he is out there taking measures to protect himself financially and telling his warped version of events to friends, family and colleagues.

Neither OP or her H can legally change the locks. OP would indeed be sensible to go through paperwork, take pics etc. Asap.

I agree with the poster above about going non contact. My ex H did the same as your H. He did end up with the OW after a lot of messing around. He behaved like a teenage at times and told me he was grieving for the ow. I found going non contact best. Don’t get me wrong it was really hard to do. When you Are use to communicating with someone to then not Is hard. It took me ages to get to that stage. I’m now rapidly moving towards 60. My pension isn’t great and ex H inherited a fortune off his parents which grinds. But my life with him wasn’t wasted, I’ve got two lovely kids and we did have fun. But I look at him now and think you silly old fool,

I’ve got all the financial stuff photographed and on my computer.
I’ve just had another therapy session. Therapist really good and helpful.
I understand now that he doesn’t want to mend the marriage and the couples therapy was just a stupid game or something.
Anyway my therapist said I have to take control. So that’s what I’m going to do.

@filly2011 good for you!! You can do this. Many many years ahead to have some fun times without your miserable H. Tell your kids and friends and get out there and do a Shirley Valentine.

That's awesome new OP .

Keep posting here and you'll be able to see how far you've come

It doesn’t feel awesome it feels terrible but I can’t carry on like this.
I thought he was trying to save the marriage by agreeing to joint therapy but every time I have tried to say or do something positive in therapy he gets angry or dismissive or trashes my character. My new therapist pointed out that whenever I extended an olive branch he pulls away.
This is no good.
He doesn’t want me but at the same time he’s not sure he wants to throw me away just yet.
It hurts.

@SuperbMonkey sorry you have this crap too. Awful isn’t it? I feel your pain.

He doesn’t want me but at the same time he’s not sure he wants to throw me away just yet.
It hurts.

Unfortunately very true. Men generally won’t walk away unless they have somewhere to go.

Of course it does, you must be shell shocked and heartbroken. This man you’ve shared your life with and trusted has turned out to be an absolute knobber.

@Filly2011, yes it does feel awful. I have no idea how I have kept going over the last 6 months. Mine has behaved exactly like yours but made no effort to come back. He didn’t tell me about the long distance affair with ex girlfriend. Everything is my fault according to him. He is narcissistic with many severe traits, avoidant (commonly go together) with serious mental health issues in the family which I found out about in the last few months. I had no self-esteem left in the first few months, called the Samaritans, was a desperate mess. Why? For a lying, dishonest cheat. I have got my self-respect back. I am still terrified for the future. But I have to hold my nerve. PM me if it helps. Xx

Three things that helped me get through:

What cannot be cured must be endured. You cannot change anything he thinks, says, or does. So you just have to power through and stay true to yourself.

Fake it 'til you make it. Sometimes you have to act as if you believe a thing, even if you don't. Sometimes you have to act opposite to your inclinations when you know the end result will be best for you in the long run. So pretend you don't care. Pretend he has no power to hurt you. Because if you pretend long enough, it will become the truth.

The opposite of love is not anger or hatred, it's indifference. Pretty self-explanatory. When you get to the point where you truly don't give a shit what he does or what he's saying, you have 'won'. And you WILL get there. It will take time, but you will.

I also Now totally realise that if OW Reappeared he would be off like a shot.
He doesn’t give a stuff about me he’s just ‘grieving’ because his girlfriend left him. Now he’s saying she and I as bad as each other, he’s sick of both of us, exhausted and just doesn’t know what he wants any more.
Kind of v hurtful to be bracketed with OW!

Thanks@AcrossthePond55 that’s very helpful. I LIVE for the day when I don’t give a sh**.

He’s saying WHAT now?!

How is he saying this, by text?

So very rude and nasty. Stop communicating with him.