Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

I think moving would help you a lot.

A fresh start in your home would clear so much from your mind.

And the process would be a focus and very cathartic.

It would also send a very clear message to your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) husband

What does DH expect you to sort out?

You are under no obligation whatsoever to do anything that he would like you to do! As Elizabeth Bennet said to that awful rich older lady in Pride & Prejudice, your only obligation is to do what seems best for YOU! And your (eventual) happiness.

With respect to mutual friends/acquaintances, if they are business associates etc they’ll prioritise that, but probably privately think/say your H and OW are total idiots. You can look to YOUR friends for support.

I expect your gp knows what they are doing with the zoplicone and will adjust accordingly at the right time. You've had a massive shock and zoplicone is no doubt appropriate for now.

Not fair, not fair, not fair. I do hope this rocket in your life launches you into an amazing new life op 💐🌺

Agree best not to rely on sleeping tablets.

@Filly2011 Had a laugh when you talked about arson. Do you remember when police didn't get involved with 'domestics'? My friend's husband left her for the woman next door. He didn't move in, but he used to visit frequently. My friends kids would get upset when they saw the car and say "Why is daddy going to play with next door's kids?" So she told him not to park his car outside the house when he was visiting his whore. He sneered at her, said he would park where he liked and what was she going to do about it? She said she WOULD do something about it, and he just laughed at her, and said if it was damaged, he'd know where to come. The next day he parked outside again, so she put a full box of firelighters on the ground under the engine, and set light to them. He was raging and phoned the fire brigade and police and told the police what she had done. The police officer asked her if it was true, so she said yes, she had asked him not to park outside while he visited his whore next door, because it upset their kids, and she'd warned him she would do something. The police officer said to her husband "I'm sorry sir, this appears to be a domestic incident, I'm afraid we can't get involved".

OMG “why is daddy going to play with next door’s kids” that’s heartbreaking.
WTF is wrong with these people? How can they be so awful?

I know two women left for the best friend. One of them was also the ndn 🤦🏻‍♀️

Just shows though doesn’t it? These affair partners are not really the one true love etc. as they seem to be very conveniently placed (eg next door, at work).
Knocks the whole “I’ve met my soul mate blahdy blah” apart - unless soul mate always to be at hand throughout life!

Aaanyway! There are decent people about - the majority. Pockets of pure scum don't pollute the entire world...

I'm ridiculously late to this, I am so sorry that you have had this happen to you!

You say you are a hot mess atm with therapy, of course you are love, you have had rugs pulled from under you, you have been betrayed and had your sanctuary defiled by him and his OW.

Added to this, he's monopolising heartbreak so you are not even allowed to feel upset.

times like these I miss @WhenWillIFeelNormal. She would say to you that the ONLY way for a relationship to survive an affair is when the cheat takes full responsibility for their actions, when they are 100% transparent and understanding that the trust has gone and that they will be asked to prove themselves over and over, that there will be questions and anger and tears and that you, the betrayed, absolutely have that right to do so for as long as you need to.

He didn't chose you, you know this, he got dumped and is STILL rubbing your nose in it. I agree with those who say to block him, go cold turkey and stop contact and focus 100% on you and your wellbeing at the moment. If you are wondering what things to do at weekends, look into local sport centres perhaps, swimming is my go to place because it blocks everything out, cos I'm too busy working on technique, speed etc. It's not for everyone, but just doing anything releases endorphins and that's a good thing :D

You are going to be ok, you are going to be BETTER than OK. You got us and we're always here, 24/7 if you need it.

I love swimming too, but am not as competent at it as the previous poster! I go at snails pace and focus solely on remembering to breathe, I become so immersed can’t even focus to count lengths and just take breaks every 15/20 mins! It’s mentally great as (for me) it switches off thoughts.

I don't know if this point has already been made, but:
Everything you "know" about what OW has said and acted has been told to your by your cheating husband.
Compare that to the things hes told you about what YOUR relationship has been like that you know for a fact are straight-out fantasies and lies on his part.

Everything hes said to you is what he wants you to hear and think - if him and the OW bickered constantly, or she said to him "you're being selfish, unfair and unkind to your wife by saying/doing that", do you think we would tell you that?

All the things you've internalised like how she said he needed someone to stick up for him because you were so uncaring, and how her children were crying when he left, and how he sits in the dark on his own and cries - what if thats all utter bullshit he's made up in his own head? The only thing you can be sure is true is that when he tried to make it more official as a relationship, she dropped him like a used tissue and ran immediately.

I know soooo many women left by the husband for the ndn/best friend etc. A scary amount. NONE of them EVER ended up, or even started out happy! One set are still together 20 years later but because the relationship was built on lies and infidelity they have argued those 20 long years and surprise surprise there's no trust.its easy to say op but in the long run you truly will be better off without that cheating piece of shit (both of them) in your life. You WILL be ok - it'll take getting there, BUT YOU WILL be fine and that stupid fuck will be left a lonely, whinging old man with no one to truly love him because he's a turd, a cheating lying snivelling little turd, and no one will ever choose THAT.

I know an OW who married her affair partner. He is emotionally abusive and cheats on her.

I also know an OW who married her affair partner. They’ve been together for 30 years and are one of the most solid and genuinely happy couples I know. There isn’t always a comeuppance.

how he sits in the dark on his own and cries

I missed this is your post OP, apologies. But this is classic woe is me behaviour.

I heard these very same words. But not directly from ex, but from his affair partner. Who felt it her place to tell my dd (then 15 and in a terrible emotional place) as this is what ex told her what he did at night because i was stopping him from seeing the dc. Which is utter bullshit.

I didnt read the script post yet, but need to. I am pretty sure this phrase must be in there somewhere though.

I'm echoing others, but you don't know OW has her life back. It may seem that way but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I daresay she and her DH may be putting on a good public face, but I refuse to believe that all is rosy in their little garden. No marriage goes through an affair and emerges unscathed.

But at any rate, both your H and OW are unimportant. What's important now is you! Your future and your peace. Those two can go to hell in a hand basket!

"He's fallen in obsession with this other woman. He doesn't want to deal with you, he certainly doesn't want to deal with your pain or betrayal, and at the same time he might not want to lose you as a fall back.

You being hurt and angry is an annoyance for him, hence his tone on the phone to you. At the point where he realises he might lose money, his house to fall back and on lose the respect of his children - he's going to be angry about that becuase he considers that all those things are his. Everyone is angry when they lose what they consider theirs. "

This is SO true @SeaEagleFeather

Then 2 years later after the damage done? OW 'meant nothing'

I think separating during this high tension times is a good solution. Then, years later decisions won't be made in such a bad space.

I also know an OW who married her affair partner. They’ve been together for 30 years and are one of the most solid and genuinely happy couples I know

Good for them for being able to ignore their partner is fully capable of cheating a d being sly and sneaky. 99% of humans aren't able to ignore this.

Are you sure she has told her husband the truth? Sounds to me like she has told her circle some version of the truth which makes her a victim and her & her husband are spreading that story. Your husband may find himself being painted as a stalker or some such. Just want to say I feel your pain and totally sympathise having been in a similar position. I admire how well you are doing and appreciate it is not easy. You will get through this. I echo other posters so much, the advice on mumsnet is mostly totally spot on. I didn't post when my situation occurred, but mumsnet had my back, even when I didn't share & I will always be grateful. I know from following many of these posts how much the mumsnetters have your interests at heart. We all want the best result fir you, even those of us who are mainly lurking. I hope that helps you when it comes to making hard decisions.

Good for them for being able to ignore their partner is fully capable of cheating a d being sly and sneaky. 99% of humans aren't able to ignore this.

Even more important is "good" for them for being able to build their happiness on the misery they've caused others. Aren't they just lovely?

It's all about him isn't it? He doesn't seem to give a stuff about anyone elses feelings. I think you should be free of him. I know being alone might be scary but think about it this way...do you wanna be running after an 80 year old man in your 80's anyway, when the time comes? least of all one who is a bit of a twat lol

When I read threads like this I am convinced MN should award a Twat if the Year prize in December. OPs husband is in lead so far.

It sounds like the only thing keeping you with him is the fear of being alone. It's a very human feeling, we all crave what is familiar and "safe", but it is worth leaving it behind. You're never too old or incapable of starting afresh.

This man is nothing but a piece of thrash who is wasting your time and showing you utter disrespect. How can someone do this to his wife after so many years together is beyond comprehension for me, he's disgusting and I wouldn't take his cringy attention seeking look-it's-all-about-me-I'm-a-poor-hurt-victim-here cr*p for another minute. What matters is YOU and you only and this situation is ruining your very being. You deserve so much more. Kick him out of your life now.

Well it’s ok @pinkbonbon I don’t have to make a decision about my future because he has now decided it for me.

He can’t stay with me because of my awful behaviour post affair revelation, he doesn’t trust me to ever love him, he doubts I ever loved him, he deserves to have someone that does.

My outbursts about OW etc have driven him away in effect.

Oh well at least I know now.