One of my favourite sayings that I heard while going through my own divorce from a narcissistic arsehole was this. ‘Arguing with an unreasonable person is like wrestling with a pig, you get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
As reasonable people it’s very hard to understand some one responding to you so unreasonably. His responses are all based in his own version of reality which seems to be a complete work of fiction!
I know this is difficult and unjust and you want to rage against him and hold him up in front of everyone you know so he can admit his faults and his wrongdoing but unfortunately he’s showing you that this is very unlikely. Instead he’s re-writing history with you as the cold hearted wife and him as the poor lickle unloved man. As unjust as this is and as difficult a pill to swallow I’m afraid that’s part of the script, they can’t bear to be seen as being at fault or bad people so it all get turned around on you and suddenly it’s your fault. God forbid he take any responsibility.
People who have affairs are lower than low, especially when it involves someone who was in your friend circle. The selfishness it takes to cut someone off and disregard their needs and feelings while off having a jolly with another person is staggering. You can’t cultivate two relationships at once, it’s just not possible and he made the conscious decision to let you suffer wondering about the state of your marriage, trying to keep everything together and still performing in the ‘wifely’ role. All the while he had her for fun, sex, and emotional support.
You need to remember that you get to be the star of your own life, everybody deserves love, kindness and emotional support from a partner. He doesn’t get to bemoan how unhappy he was because he had the choice to leave, freeing you both up to find happiness with someone new or even as singletons.
He took that choice away from you and that is what’s unforgiveable. I would advise stop giving him a platform for his bullshit, it’s not doing your mental health any favours and you need to protect yourself now. I’m glad you’re seeing a counsellor and I hope your finding your sessions helpful.
Take control of the situation, he’s made his position clear so now follow through. Find a shit hot lawyer, I would tell you to get some distance from him, maybe give him a new number or email address and tell him he’s only to contact you there. Check it once a week and deal with stuff as it comes through.
At the very least cut him off if he starts off on one of his rants again and tell him you don’t want to hear it, you know what happened and you don’t want to re-hash it every time you speak to him just so he can make himself feel better.
Also start telling people, I know this is hard and it makes it very real but it will help in the long term and allow you to get some real life support from friends and your children. Take care of yourself this is a horrible position to be in 