Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

I really wish he and OW would have to face my kids. I think they’ll get told what for.

OW husband has launch party thing next week and many of them are going to it. Dh pretending he’s not miffed about this Go yourself! Take a mate. Make her sweat. Don't tell your H.

Oh if I get annoyed Or mention the affair he either gets defensive or lies on the bed with his arm over his eyes and says he’s having a nervous breakdown. He's such a WANKER. No wonder she dropped him. Imagine: you're enjoying some lucrative extracurricular fun away from the husband who's only with you because he'd take a lifestyle hit if he left (hence his being unbothered by your affair with some bloke he hates) and then the affair partner turns out to be a needy, whiney BORE. Nervous breakdown my arse. How can you bear to listen to him?

People aren't going to question the boss's moral compass!

Also, they know he's had an affair but they don't know him well enough to know that he is unable to take responsibility for anything and that he's a professional martyr, very entitled, selfish, projecting, gaslighting.... etc.

Time has a way of making the truth seem more obvious than it did at the time.

Start your new life. Splitting up the business may be complicated but do it anyway.

This man is just not worth the rest of your life.

I can promise you that being single is better than being in a shit relationship!! I have a lot of data to consult here :-p

Don't get angry - get even

The opposite of love is indifference

Couldn't you just go away for a bit, to Thailand or Switzerland or somewhere? I'm not sure it's sensible, but just to clear your mind and think about better things for a while. You will be fine on your own, but it sounds as though you don't really believe it.

I've been following and I'm so sorry about this horrible situation you are in.

The main problem I see, aside from his shitty behaviour, is that he just really doesn't like you. And hasn't liked you for some time. I think PP was right that it stems from insecurity and envy of you being successful, but either way, he thinks you're up yourself, too serious, look down on him, judge him etc. You can't change his mind on this - the only way to do so would be to agree with him, and devote yourself to being a cheery adoring sex poppet. He thinks you are a bad person, whom life is too easy for, and you deserve to be punished or taken down a peg or two. Finally now he has made some money and isn't dependent on you financially any more, he can show you what it felt like for him to be stuck in a marriage that he felt he couldn't leave for financial reasons. By making you feel small and humiliated, like he did (not that you made him feel that way - that's his own neurosis. But he's projecting it onto you). He's awful.

I think it's really hard, and humiliating, and sad, and painful, to accept the reality that this is how he feels. And so there's a lot of searching and wishful thinking and misdirected anger. But he is unkind to you because he thinks you deserve it. He doesn't like you.

He won't have a good life without you. He thinks he will, but OW was only with him for the money, and eventually couldn't even tolerate him to keep the cash flowing. He is damaged and damaging and will end up bitter and lonely like so many before him.

It'll take you a while to get over this. You don't need to rush. You poor thing, this must be so hard - especially with the emotional abuse your H is dishing out to you on top.

He may be a complete cunt (don't want to shock you) but I have to agree she is thoroughly revolting. They deserve/d each other. iiwy I'd get into some serious fantasies about what you'd like to do to her and him - don't worry about the law, let it out (don't do it for real though!). This helps me to get over intense anger and hurt - it does't last long before I lose interest but it helps at the time. What they've done is desperately cruel - and he continues to be unbelievably cruel.

Once the tremendous shock and horror begins to fade, I do think you're going to fly. You've been living with this cock all this time - your friend does't like him., remember - and once this wart is off your life I think you will blossom. I'm not full of shit here, it's obvious you know how to take care of yourself.

As for him having a happy life. I don't think so. Apart from anything he'll have him in it. He isn't a nice man.

Have some

@justasking111 and others make a very important point about the OW being paid as a consultant when in fact she might be a deemed employee and therefore the company is in breach of the HMRC IR35 regulations.

There’s not one simple test for employee or consultant. However it’s very odd to pay a consultant a Christmas bonus. Consultants produce invoices for the work done, usually on a time worked basis. So how could they bill for a bonus?

Did the Company provide equipment for OW, such as a phone or laptop? Did she get paid holidays ?

There are other tests, such as

Control: what degree of control did the company have over what, how, when and where OW completes the work

Substitution: is personal service by OW required, or could she send a substitute in her place?

Mutuality of obligation: was the company obliged to offer her work and did she have to accept?

I bet the Ops Dh and OW have breached the regulations in other ways , if they are that stupid. I do hope no one reports them anonymously to HMRC here

www.gov.uk/complain-company

It’s a HUGE inconvenience and hassle for a small company to have an investigation from HMRC. It takes up a vast amount of staff time and if they are found to be in breach of the regulations, they have to pay employers NI.

OW would have to pay income tax and NI as if she was employed, which would reduce her net income by up to 25%. That could be thousands of pounds.

That would be a shame.

Now that you're beginning to open up to your children, is there one of them you might be able to go and stay with, even for a few days?

In your situation I'd want to be with people who care about me and who (I assume) would take my side. And I know in your situation both of my sons would be firmly on my side.

Of course, you have to give consideration to the fact that you'd be leaving the house empty. I don't know if that's a concern of your.

Either way he refused to listen.

You need to stop talking to him. He is enjoying your pain so stop giving him the gratification.

This is how you get over it - stop trying to get through to him. Make him irrelevant to you by finding a good therapist to validate your feelings, and to talk to about how to protect yourself emotionally.

What @mathanxiety said. Stop giving him the fuel - your pain and attempts to get through to him - that he craves. And find a good therapist fir yourself.

I disagree with some PPs suggestions that you fantasize about horrible things you might do to them. Totally pointless and only feeds your distress. What helped me more than anything was to detach and focus on activities that gave me joy.

I'd not report him to HMRC either since the assets of the company will be considered in the divorce settlement.

People don't want to take sides. They don't know that you felt you had a happy marriage. Maybe you are awful to live with and hence DH's affair.
Even your DCs don't know what your marriage was truly like.
And even if DH is a lying cheating scumbag he is their father who they have inherited looks and traits from, it's hard for them to 'hate' him whatever he has done.
So don't try to get people onside. They won't want to have to choose.
Just work at moving on. Though this sounds glib, but you do need to plan your future, working out how much you have to live on, where will you live? Get out, get fit, try not to dwell on what's happened.

You know enough about affair.

You know enough about him to understand you do not need to be treated like this. You might be scared of been single however this is no life now.

You need to stop talking to him. . Talk to a solicitor about protecting your assets.

You need to stop talking to him . Find someone who cares about you not themselves.

I also find sometimes connecting up with acquaintances when I am in an emotional place is great as I don’t share the deep stuff so end up having a great time.

@Filly2011, de-lurking to send you strength. It's tempting to look for answers when he's hurt you so much and continues to do so with his outrageous behaviour, but when you stop to think about it the answers don't really make a difference.
"How could he?", "How could she?", doesn't change what happened and what's happening now.
He had an affair and if she wanted him now he'd be there. He wants to use you for support when it's convenient.
Don't put yourself through more pain. You can't avoid the pain he inflicted on you, but you can stop him access to hurt you more. As someone said before make the house yours. Buy a lamp, cushions, whatever you like. Have a holiday. Make new memories and remember how strong you are. I know that you don't feel sure or strong at the moment, but until you do rely on your rational self, what you know is right, and on the people you can trust, your friends and family.
You can do this

I know what you mean @Starlight456, it is good for OP to have her best friend but coffee with acquaintances can make you forget ur at a xroads in life and instead remember that you can always have a laugh/chat and a coffee.

Enough analysis of his character now. Counselling on yr own, that is the next best step for you.

I agree that making a complaint about how he treated a consultant as an employee is a waste of time and energy. Focus on building yourself back up in therapy on yr own.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to a therapist for me today.
Onwards and upwards.

Well done Filly, that's the attitude! Concentrate on yourself, you deserve it. I wouldn't tell H (no D) either. The best way to get to him is to move on and be happy.

He lies on the bed with his arms over his eyes? Jesus, what a fucking immature twat.

Glad you're seeing a therapist op, another positive step forwards x

Good. Have you told him Thursday is off ?
Also if I were you, I would tell him any communication needs to come via a new email address, which you will consult occasionally (once a week ?) & block his number for WhatsApp, SMS, Voice mail etc. because punching pointless messages off constantly, & receiving his hurtful diatribe is not breaking the dependence. Go & visit friends, you don't need to tell him where you go or with whom, just lock up behind you, & change the air you breath for fresh air, people who love you, & start to heal.

lies on the bed with his arm over his eyes and says he’s having a nervous breakdown.

How on earth do you stop yourself laughing?

"Find your Fabulous" is a wonderful expression.

That’s good, and cancel the couple’s counselling for good measure. Save the money for mediation over the divorce financial settlement.

You shouldn’t be in a situation to observe him lying down on a bed! Any discussions he has with you should be at an agreed location or (if you really want to see him in your home - not sensible) in the kitchen, living room or whatever!

Also if I were you, I would tell him any communication needs to come via a new email address, which you will consult occasionally (once a week ?) & block his number for WhatsApp, SMS, Voice mail etc. because punching pointless messages off constantly, & receiving his hurtful diatribe is not breaking the dependence

Excellent advice