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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
Double3xposure · 18/02/2020 10:28

I'd not report him to HMRC either since the assets of the company will be considered in the divorce settlement

Only the assets which have accrued during the marriage . And only the share that belongs to the Op and/ or her husband.

And it’s quite hard to value shares in an unlisted company. If it’s only the Ops husband who owns them, they make not be allowed to be transferred to a non employee, which makes them ever harder to value during a divorce.

HMRC won’t seize the assets of the company . They will make them pay the employers NI. That’s unlikely to be a huge amount to a company.

But it will be a lot of hassle to a small business.

It’s the contractor / deemed employee who will have to pay the tax and NI, which could be around 25% of what they got paid.

That would be most unfortunate.

ScreamingLadySutch · 18/02/2020 10:35

Such good advice here. Stop talking to him, engaging with him, hoping that he will 'see the light'.

You don't have to rage/shame/'get him to see' (all the mistakes I did) - just SHUN.
Don't have anything to do with him. No more bids for engaging, or honest communication. Ain't never going to happen. Let him take his miserable self off to the flat and leave you alone while you live your best life.

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 10:43

If you are going to report him to HMRC I wouldn't do it now I'd wait until youre completely rid of him and he thinks he's safe from anything that you might do to hurt him, wait until he's moved on and recovered and started to rebuild his life
That's the time to take revenge, should you be so inclined.

SVRT19674 · 18/02/2020 10:55

I'm sorry OP but I had to laugh at the laying on the bed having a nervous breakdown and covering his eyes. When my cousins were small and they didn't want to hear something they would cover their ears and go lalalalalalalalalal really loud so as not to hear you. I don't know how you didn't laugh when you saw that...

Original poster
Filly2011 · 18/02/2020 11:21

I found the arm over the face thing really enraging.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 18/02/2020 11:30

Watch out he might escalate and start fainting clean away every time you say something he doesn't like 🙄
Get him some smelling salts 🙄 not really just completely ignore the twat and get on with your life

TheReef · 18/02/2020 12:00

I found the arm over the face thing really enraging

Poor little sausage he is, he'll be holding his breath until he passes out next

Original poster
Filly2011 · 18/02/2020 12:12

Ha ha. I found an old diary where I described him as “a joy-sucking bore”. This was when we were on holiday (during his affair) where we had a row because of his gloomy depressed behaviour and feeling that everyone was unjustly criticising him for said behaviour.
He was ruining holiday - one day everyone in the villa went to a bar to avoid him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Filly2011 · 18/02/2020 12:13

Everyone except me! I wondered where everyone had gone (they told me recently)

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/02/2020 12:14

I found the arm over the face thing really enraging

@TheReef Poor little sausage he is, he'll be holding his breath until he passes out next

No, I don't think so. It is a deliberate strategy on his part to push OP's buttons.

TwentyViginti · 18/02/2020 12:19

Good grief. Sounds like he's reverted back decades to lovesick teenager mode.

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 12:21

Do you think he realises yet Filly... that he's been well and truly rumbled?
Poor little whispy fainty thing that he is🦄

FantasticButtocks · 18/02/2020 12:25

He sounds utterly self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-centred, and bloody selfish! No wonder you've got the rage at all this. Angry He really isn't showing any consideration for you whatsoever is he?

It's really time to put yourself first Thanks

Noshowlomo · 18/02/2020 12:30

The more I read the more I want to punch the pathetic little turd!

Sexnotgender · 18/02/2020 12:34

How have you not strangled the whiny self indulgent man child yet? Honestly you’re a better woman than me.

Lottapianos · 18/02/2020 12:52

Brilliant news about your therapist appointment. Going to therapy was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It can be painful and very tough going, but ultimately it's the path towards peace and freedom. Good luck!

OVienna · 18/02/2020 13:01

@Sexnotgender (and OP) - A jury of her peers wouldn't convict.

FraglesRock · 18/02/2020 13:07

I think time will give you clarity, that they were both equally complicit in the affair, that actually your life without him will be better, even if you're alone. Keep him at arms length and start to build your life and seek possibilities.

I think he's weak, and enjoyed the attention, he wouldn't have ended your marriage even though he thinks so little of you because he doesn't want to be alone.

I think the fact that your friends think highly of you, shows your worth.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 18/02/2020 14:06

So glad you got an apt with a therapist!
Update us!
🍷👍

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2020 14:16

My dad "grieved" for his OW when my mother decided to give him another chance............that was the end of his chance. I hope you get the strength to leave him OP, you deserve so much better than that, how disrespectful of him

Mix56 · 18/02/2020 14:17

Good to see/remember how you felt about him on holiday, the marriage wasn't all roses clearly, if you took him back, if he decided to try...I fear it would be no better than before

Original poster
Filly2011 · 18/02/2020 14:36

Mix56 the marriage wasn’t all roses because he was having his secret affair and in hindsight prob didn’t want to be on holiday with me!

OP posts:
Daftapath · 18/02/2020 15:03

Filly, I think it's a great move to start individual counselling. Your H is being emotionally abusive and joint counselling is never recommended with someone who is abusive. He has his own narrative about everything which centres on you being at fault for all his troubles. I expect much of what he has said about the OW is all part of the narrative he has made up. He is using counselling with you as a stick to beat you and it is dreadful that the counsellor seems complicit in this.

It would not surprise me that once you start your own counselling and reflecting on your marriage, you will see many of his past behaviours as emotionally abusive and that you have often walked on eggshells and managed his mood/behaviour without realising that you have been doing so.

TwentyViginti · 18/02/2020 15:05

He's in love with the fantasy woman he created. The 'poor' OW, trapped in an abusive marriage. He wants to save her, but she doesn't want to be saved. Oh dear. His ego is bruised and he's taking it out on you.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/02/2020 15:37

You sound like such a lovely person Filly. Who were the others in the villa? Friends, family? They'll know exactly what a twat he's been. Hope the therapy goes well, give yourself some TLC and take your time. Here's some Flowers