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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 17/02/2020 17:58

In some ways OW has done a number on both men, she enjoys having them dueling for to try and win her hand!

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 18:05

Ugh! OW as some sort of medieval damsel

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 17/02/2020 18:46

A fabulous friend of mine has recently turned 60. She's been divorced for a couple of years now. Her children are grown, she has a part-time job for income and pension and a second part-time job for passion (but still not full time)

She recently started dating a retired fire fighter! He's so handsome and fit. They travel lots and have so much fun.

Both of them could pass for 15 years younger than they are.

You could be having the time of your life - that's a very possible alternative.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 19:01

Thanks Scifiscream. I really like to the stories of the happy 60 year olds. It’s very cheering.

Dh never goes on holiday unless forced. Always working. And often goes home mid holiday (working). The fire fighter sounds a lot more fun!

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 17/02/2020 19:57

Soooo .... she's so sweet and lovely. But

  • she'll sleep in the marriage bed of her married affair partner because his wife will never know
  • she pays huge amounts of attention to him. She also gets huge amounts of money from him
  • she never intends to leave her husband
  • your husband fell out with her husband not long ago
  • he still wants to give her lots of money .. didn't you say he was her main source of income?
  • he treats you as throwaway and doesn't even begin to want to genuinely repair the marriage

This is so sordid. You truly are worth so very very much more than this mud churned up by the trotters churned up by two pigs.

After 40 years I can only dimly imagine how hard it is to change the sheer habit of considering him in everything. But I hope you can change that habit, because damn, you have so very much more to look forward to than him

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 20:19

I actually think OW a very nasty woman. Weird though as her whole persona built on how very Kind and sweet she is. She’s always making cakes, being sympathetic blah blah.
I have spent whole adult life working, building career, being financially independent. Raising family.
OW didn’t work for years then mainly ‘worked’ for dh. First lived off her husband and then mine. And he admires this!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 17/02/2020 20:23

You need to stop fixating on her and get mad at your sleazeball husband. Everyone else (like her husband) probably think you’re not bothered about the affair either - you’re doing what he has.. You SO need to move forward.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 20:27

I am mad at him but I also feel bad that he still apparently loves such a horrible person.
If you were in my social milieu, which includes her, you would also feel outraged that she could do this. I’m sure I’ll forget about her eventually but it’s hard to do it now.

OP posts:
RumblesGrumbles · 17/02/2020 20:37

She's awful; he's awful. You however are not awful, and a whole lot of awfulness will drop out of your life when you leave them both behind.

Honeyroar · 17/02/2020 20:38

You don’t have to ever forgive either of them. But you seem to be directing all the anger at her. Your husband is the one dragging out the pain for you and continuously treating you like shite. Who cares what’s going on with her. She’s horrible, that’s a given, but whatever you say or do isn’t going to change your idiot husband’s opinion of her. Bin the whole situation- you’ll never forget about any of it while he’s around constantly rubbing your nose in it. You can’t change who he thinks he loves. It’s not you. That’s all that actually matters. Leave the sorry lot to each other.

DrMorbius · 17/02/2020 20:38

You need to stop fixating on her and get mad at your sleazeball husband. Everyone else (like her husband) probably think you’re not bothered about the affair either - you’re doing what he has.. You SO need to move forward

^ This with bells. Your husband is a cockroach who shags other women and even has the audacity to compare them to you as some sort of half witted excuse. Does it matter if he shagged one woman or ten, whether her husband is a bully or a coward, whether she led him on for cash or not. Your husband shags about. Deal with that and that alone, all the rest is noise.

Rubytinsleslippers · 17/02/2020 20:44

They are awful. You will recover from this. Why do want to be with him? Imagine if you didn't have this level of stress and upset anymore? What could you be doing? What new things? What a life you could have instead of this. Life is short, you never know what may be in front of you. Don't waste a precious second more with someone who does not give a single shit about you

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2020 20:51

I actually think OW a very nasty woman. Weird though as her whole persona built on how very Kind and sweet she is

One of the nastiest people I ever knew was thought of as Lady Bountiful by people that she either wanted to impress or wanted something off of.

AsCoolAsLangCleg · 17/02/2020 21:14

She's a sociopath. Do people in your circle know about the affair? Tell them! Be factual, but stop doing anything to protect him and her. I guarantee she'll have fucked other people over and they'll be frustrated that everyone else thinks she's so sweet and nice.

SeaEagleFeather · 17/02/2020 21:40

She fooled your husband good and proper. Not very perceptive, is he?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/02/2020 21:59

She's basically prostituted herself. 8 don't believe for a second that her husband is a bully, she'd be terrified 8f admitting her affair if he was. None if that side of things ring true.
Well done for not telling him who you went to the cinema with, he has no right to know. Stay strong!

DBML · 17/02/2020 22:08

People tend to be drawn to others with similar traits.

This might explain why your husband feels so strongly that OW is such a wonderful person.

They are both horrible people. You are far too good for both of them.

UYScuti · 17/02/2020 22:53

I know it's an over used term but the OW here is starting to look like a narcissist imo

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 22:55

Thanks folks. I have to get it together. I try not to be fixated on OW but it’s hard when you are told dh still loves her and she’s been so rotten to me.
I long for the day when I don’t think about it anymore and I’m happy again!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 17/02/2020 22:56

HMRC will be very interested that she basically gets her income from one man/company but is not an employee thus swerving the inconvenience of PAYE pension and national insurance. A builder friend of ours tried this one when he got caught the taxes owed were horrendous as were his self employed mates.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 22:58

People know about her now and some are cross with her for deceiving her husband. At first she kept a low profile but she’s coming out into the open now and generally swanning about.

No one seems to care that she’s fucked me over bit these are dh acquaintances and work colleagues not my friends. They don’t really know me.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 17/02/2020 23:01

They may not seem to care, but they will be circling the wagons and keeping their partners well away from her, believe me I have seen it.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 23:06

No one seems to care what dh has done either. Well amongst his work colleagues.
I guess they want their salaries and no fuss.
OW husband has launch party thing next week and many of them are going to it. Dh pretending he’s not miffed about this.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 17/02/2020 23:13

Last week he was fine, friendly, planning trip to film with me. Then at therapist he said he’d actually spent week very upset as i had again mentioned OW. Proceeded to get extremely upset and walk out. Now doesn’t know if he can be with me outside therapist office.
This is highly depressing.

It also sounds highly manufactured. I've thought from the beginning of this thread that he was trying to manipulate you into doing the pick-me dance. It also sounds like he's using negative reinforcement techniques to close down anything you say that he doesn't like.

I'm glad that you've started to tell your children, OP - you shouldn't be covering up for him, the stupid old goat.

I am rooting for you to kick him to the kerb and find your fabulous! Once you've made your mind up to it, I don't think you will struggle. x

Original poster
Filly2011 · 17/02/2020 23:19

Oh if I get annoyed Or mention the affair he either gets defensive or lies on the bed with his arm over his eyes and says he’s having a nervous breakdown.
Either way he refuses to listen.
I don’t feel I’ve got a fabulous atm but I am LONGING to put all this behind me somehow.

OP posts: