Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

He sent me a text about the film I’d seen saying how he’d heard it was very good and he hoped I enjoyed it. I didn’t answer.
He also asked again who I’d gone with - was it the builder who converted out house (who is in his 70s and lives round the corner).

Not knowing who you went with - it's really bugging him isn't it? Just carry on ignoring him!

I think you should be making appointment to see a SHL today especially about where you stand in terms of the business.

In that case he is not a bully, but for some reason happy to go along with it. I would say she has done this before. It is not his first rodeo. Is she the main breadwinner I wonder?

Justasking OW husband in creative occupation (hobby really) which makes no money. Her money allowed him to do this.

My dh says it’s impossible she’s done this before as she’s too lovely and nice.

rolls eyes at your OH stupidity. My mum did this over the years with men, my dad just felt grateful to be with her. He turned a blind eye. She supports him financially he is grateful for that. Maybe he is impotent now so feels she has a right to sex. So many reasons for one partner to tolerate anothers infidelity. It is not just men who sleep around believe me.

Sounds to me that OW manipulated your husband to get the money. Be careful, she may be back asking for more soon. (this happened in our family) Do you have any knowledge or control of your H's finances? I'd definitely be looking at taking out money from any joint accounts, you may need it in future. As others have said, take your time making any major decisions, get your own counselling and protect yourself. Good luck abd very best wishes.

Filly:

"Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while."

• Dr Frank Pittman

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity?collection=60696

Apparently she told him it was all ok because I would never know!

Oh well, that's all right then, isn't it? And he obviously agreed with her, didn't he? Cheating is OK if you don't get caught. Right.

My dh was wondering why OW husband didn’t come and tackle him about it. Thinks they are cowardly!

So what, was he picturing the two of them at dawn with pistols drawn on the village green? He's seeing himself as a 'hero' defeating her DH and winning the 'lady fair'. He was hoping that her DH would kick her out so she'd 'have no option' but to run to him.

OW husband in creative occupation (hobby really) which makes no money. Her money allowed him to do this.

And now we know just why he hasn't booted her out. He has a lot more to lose than she has. Unless they have minor children, he'll have to go back to work. I'm not criticizing him, if he's thought and decided he'd rather keep his lifestyle, that's his business. Not anyone's problem but his. It's probably not the first time he's had to make that decision, probably won't be the last.

My dh says it’s impossible she’s done this before as she’s too lovely and nice.

But not so much so to prevent her from shagging someone else's husband and betraying her own. How does that figure into 'nice'.

You can tell that he's in thrall to this 'ideal' that he's built and that 'if only' OW had made the 'right' decision they would be adrift on clouds of bliss.

The thing you need to remember about all his verbal vomit is that when it comes down to brass tacks, if she were to crook her little finger at him right now he'd still be off to her like a shot. He doesn't have the mindset of someone who wants to heal their marriage. He has the mindset of someone who's waiting and wants to wait in comfort. Either for her or for the 'next best thing'. He cheated once, he'll cheat again.

He's already painted his picture of you so he can justify his cheating. Why would he change that picture now? If he did he'd have to admit how horrible he's been and how he's wronged you. No, much better to keep that picture of you in his head so he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants (with whomever he wants) and feel no guilt. His 'passion' for OW will die when then next best thing comes along.

You need to see a solicitor and get the company finances sorted through. It doesn't mean you have to do anything just yet, just get the knowledge of your interest in them (if any) and your options. Knowledge is power.

The stupid fuckwit was paying her ALL her good income, of fucking course she's going to be all "joy" and sweetness with him, he was het main mealticket and source of income!!! Op, your dh really is a very, very stupid man.

Lol at her being in his opinion "too lovely and nice" to have had an affair before him. He is the only exception to the rule 🥴
You never had an affair, zero affairs, but you are cold.

What a twat this eejit is. He is a twateegit

Interesting that he thinks your "date" is a builder in his 70s. 🤔
Bit of an insight in to how he sees your dating currency iykwim.

I want to punch this eegit for you.

OW’s H may well not know. Or not know much. But that’s not your problem.

@Filly2011 just a thought could this have been a big fat scam? She sleeps with your husband and gets work money from him that keeps her unsuspecting husband in a lifestyle he enjoys? Stay strong you've had a lucky escape, although it won't feel like that at the moment. If I where you I'd take some holiday and visit one of your children. Take some time out.

My dh was wondering why OW husband didn’t come and tackle him about it. Thinks they are cowardly!

More like he knows his wife uses sex to boost her income in this fashion, and isn't bothered about it.

he may even be one of those blokes who gets a kick about having his wife describe all the details of any extra-marital flings.

Not a scam. OW was working for dh company - on projects. She’s was doing this prior to affair. We have known her and her husband for 12 years or so. In the past few years she has worked at dh company more and more. He gave her more and more work and even invented the odd project so she could get some money if work was a bit thin.

I thought it was because she worked hard and was a friend. More fool me.

Dh fell out with OW husband some years ago so I thought it was odd she carried on working for him but dh said she liked his workplace and staff and felt it was like her ‘family’.

She actually texted me when I was ill in hospital saying ‘thinking of you both’. What a joke!

Last Xmas he gave her a bonus of several thousand pounds.
I got 3 plastic bangles and a scarf!!

The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

This is both interesting and surprising.

when it comes down to brass tacks, if she were to crook her little finger at him right now he'd still be off to her like a shot.

Lol at her being in his opinion "too lovely and nice" to have had an affair before him. He is the only exception to the rule

Because he is such a stud - how could she resist him? And of course, she'll one day come to her senses and leave her "controlling bully" of a husband and melt into his arms.

Then they will both jump onto a winged unicorn, and the two of them will fly off to their castle in the sky and shag live happily ever after.

Dh fell out with OW husband some years ago
and 'conquering' his wife (aka taking his 'territory') was a way of retaliating for whatever slights he received during the falling out

When you divorce, make sure you're compensated for every penny he's ever paid her.. It sounds like your hard work has been supporting him, his OW and her husband for years. It can come out of his share.

More like he knows his wife uses sex to boost her income in this fashion, and isn't bothered about it. She certainly seems to know the ropes.

WTF: he gave her cash bonuses?! And got you virtually nothing.

Know it’s hard to let go of a thirty year relationship. But how can you get past something like that?

Apart from the personal side it sounds like he has exposed his company to a sex discrimination/harassment claim. And it sounds like she was de facto an employee of the company, which is also a massive tax risk if he didn’t pay PAYE. Shitty, risky business practices.

Yes the only time dh ever gets expansive and animated is when he’s ranting about how horrible OW husband is and how she’s so subservient to him and what a twat he is and how his career is rubbish.

ranting about how horrible OW husband is
sounds like his underlying motivation was to get one over on this man!

UYScuti dh did say when he first confessed ‘I expect everyone will think I was just trying to get in her knickers as some sort of revenge’
I am just gobsmacked really. I had never heard him use that phrase before and I am just astounded that a 60 year old man could be bothered with all this!
He sounds like a teenager!

He did say OW also complained about her dh and how she dislikes him and thinks his career is rubbish.
‘Did you complain about me to OW I asked.
Silence!