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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
crumpledlinen · 16/02/2020 12:40

You've told us...... and we're proud of you Thanks

YouJustDoYou · 16/02/2020 12:40

Well done op :) Small steps are steps nonetheless, and the further you will go because of it.

The man you knew was a lie - they often are. He is no longer your friend - I understand what you mean though, about him being the first one you wanted to tell.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 16/02/2020 12:47

Yes I do realise that if I did tell him he probably would be v uninterested. Also all those times during his affair when I was telling him stuff and he prob thinking oh shut up you boring woman. Very sad. But never mind I’ve got a whole box of mini magnums now.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 16/02/2020 12:56

You deserve the best, OP. It's not this man who has used you and is now abusing you and your kindness & love for him. You may feel empty and fearful to be on your own, but at least you won't be having to devote all your energy to taking care of someone who can barely stand you. Throw him out on his ear

Guardsman18 · 16/02/2020 13:00

Go you! I have the parking problem too.

More importantly - what are you having for dinner tonight?!

Pegsinarow · 16/02/2020 13:01

Well done op Flowers. Trite to say it but change is really hard, but you did it! And you can do it again. And replicate that success in other areas of your life Flowers

Annasgirl · 16/02/2020 13:02

Congrats on your trip to the shop OP. My mum had a friend who had to park on the outskirts of town and walk in as she never learned to park. But as my mum said, at least she could drive and I think the most important freedom for women is having their own car and being able to drive - I say this as a child of a woman who depended on my dad to take her everywhere.

And now you know you can post all your news on here - there is a whole community who want to hear how you are getting on.

FlowerArranger · 16/02/2020 13:04

@Filly2011 What really helped me process everything and often stopped me from contacting him was keeping an online diary. I set up a special email address to which I sent my weekly musings, which also included all kinds of advice I'd picked up along the way - from books, online gurus and, yes, Mumsnet. If I felt weak or tempted to reach out, I'd read through some of my emails and come to my senses.

Standrewsschool · 16/02/2020 13:05

Well done. Little steps but big achievement. You’ve got this, girl!

Original poster
Filly2011 · 16/02/2020 13:14

That’s a good idea flowerarranger
I don’t want to contact him but I am very tempted to at times and then I remind myself what it’s like (he sounds irritated and pissed off or as if he’s been crying).
I still feel periodically outraged that I am not his no. 1 person - but I haven’t been that for a long time obviously.
It’s like I’m in a habit of being in a couple with him and that’s so hard to break. We have been together since we were 21.

OP posts:
Wouldithelp · 16/02/2020 13:17

'But never mind I’ve got a whole box of mini magnums now.'

LOL! Enjoy them. Well done on the driving.

Dozer · 16/02/2020 13:28

Well done on the driving. You can build confidence. I didn’t drive for many years and was v anxious about it, had a few refresher lessons, and got out and about and over time it became the new normal, am still not brilliant but can park pretty well!

Your H’s use of the term “grieving” in this context is offensive.

Your H should be begging to spend time with you. His statement that he only wishes to see you with the therapist present is outrageous. So rude to you.

That alone is enough reason to tell him to get lost.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 16/02/2020 13:29

Op, you deserve so much better than this.

Eat all the mini magnums and then tell him you won't be going to therapy xx

Dozer · 16/02/2020 13:29

Sounding irritated when you contact him!

Stuff that for a game of cricket!

God, when your DC find out he’s going to get a shock. They won’t be as kind as you.

Starlight456 · 16/02/2020 13:32

Well done . Enjoy your magnum

NearlyGranny · 16/02/2020 13:46

Dozer, that really depends on what he tells them. I think it's a mistake to give him control of the narrative...

I think Filly should go first and tell them in a calm, saddened way, making clear she has tried hard but he is not engaging with couples therapy (v. important) and taking no responsibility. They need to know he is rewriting history with false hints of infidelity etc on Filly's part.

The adult children, when talking to their father, will either be saying,

"Mum did what?!" or,
"Hmm. Mum warned us you might say that,

depending on who gets in first.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/02/2020 13:50

OP he’s sat in that flat pining for another woman... desperately hoping she’ll come back... and find him living alone proving he’s given up everything for her ... He’s not grieving he’s planning...
I bet he’s messaging her constantly trying to persuade her to change her mind.. he’ll be ignored unless he threatens to pull his business which financially supports her and her husband.. so he IS in contact with her trust that fact... He’s a selfish pathetic embarrassment who needs booted to the kerb and I’d be reminding him that it was He who was ditched by the OW... it was He who was unfaithful.. it was He who is now the loser... You OP are a credit you yourself..

it may not feel like it right now but you are stronger than him.. and a far better person for sure... respect yourself and I hope you eventually tell him this is over because You decided it is over.. screw the therapy it sounds defeatist and harmful to You..

Look to your future one day at a time OP... make small plans and be kind to you 💕

Cuttingthegrass · 16/02/2020 14:07

Bloody well done on driving and parking OP... and having Plan b re parking

I believe he has checked out of the marriage and is going to therapy to demonstrate to friends and family that he tried. He is putting the blame on you and will continue to do so. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already sought legal advice. He wants to continue to say he’s the victim. That’s his script he’s chosen.

You are the victim. He is a lying cheating bullying nasty person. He’s showing you he’s not your friend. He’s not your loving husband ... as shown by his actions and words. He doesn’t want to spend time with you.

Lots of us have rebuilt lives. The road is turbulent to start. But happiness awaits. It’s just a different life to the one you had envisaged, planned for and dreamed of.

Tell him it’s not working for you. Tell the children he had an affair. You’ve tried therapy but he has told you and therapist he still loves her. Regrets the past 15 years of your life together , hasn’t wanted to meet up with you outside therapy sessions and for your own mental well-being and esteem you have said enough is enough and ended the farce of any reconciliation.

Ellie56 · 16/02/2020 14:45

Filly2011 Mini magnums rock! I think I should be your new friend. Grin

What's on the menu for dinner tonight?

GeorgeTheFirst · 16/02/2020 15:11

Didn't when will I feel normal turn out to be a convincing and long running troll? Apologies if not.

YouJustDoYou · 16/02/2020 15:35

Start making arrangmemts when you feel you are able, op. Stat divorce proceedings
Message him. Tell him you're done...and start grey rocking the fuck out of him. It's done. There's no going back from what he's done to you both.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 16/02/2020 17:08

What is grey rock?

And Ellie dinner is sea bass with green beans and tomatoes. Followed by mini magnums.

OP posts:
Bringringbring · 16/02/2020 17:19

* Message him. Tell him you're done*

No no no

You need to be tactical. Use this period as time to information gather, get a complete grip on money and assets, research divorce solicitors.

And then you make your move

YouJustDoYou · 16/02/2020 17:23

Yeah I meant after divorce proceedings and as I said "start making arrangements when you feel you are able". Then tell him you're done. AFTER making arrangements.

"Grey rock" is: www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

TheReef · 16/02/2020 17:26

Bloody well done on the driving. When I left my first husband I went into a mobile phone shop to buy one, had a complete panic attack as 'i couldn't do this' and walked out, took me 2 weeks to go back Grin