Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

My MIL died about 4 months ago, aged 68. She knew she was dying. Her biggest regret? Not leaving her husband.

He is an absolute arse and she wasted so many years with him. Don’t look back in 20/30 years time and wish you’d left him.

My MIL died about 4 months ago, aged 68. She knew she was dying. Her biggest regret? Not leaving her husband.

I think a lot of women in unhappy marriages, especially older women, decide that they'll just hang in there and that their husbands will die first and they'll get a 'blessed release'. Doesn't always work that way.

Just don't turn up to the therapy op. The fucker is saying "see you there" because of what you've said about the tickets - the emotional leech is desperately trying to make sure he feels better himself that his safe backup option is still hanging in there for him because, of course, he is sooooo special that he is just so wanted by two different women. Sad fuck.

I'd tell him that there is no point in continuing with therapy because you're done. And then go Grey Rock.

Next step: organize your ducks, with the help of a SHL.

Take control. Let him stew in his own juice. You WILL thrive!

Filly2011 - He’s just texted to say he’ll see me next Thursday at therapy. What I don’t really understand is if he’s trying to restore the marriage why does he want all these days and weeks apart. It’s not how couples usually live is it? I mean I don’t care but it seems an odd way to treat the person you are supposed to be getting together with

With my exH the marriage counselling, but with absolutely no effort to fix anything, was a box ticking exercise and part of his selective rewriting of history and attempts to shut me up and not take any responsibility for his own behaviour - just look at his actions in storming out rather than discussing last time.

My exH told his family and friends that he "had tried everything" and that the "counsellor had agreed with him and told him that he was right" - total lies.

I expect also he will throw it back at you if you get together - you won't be allowed to question him about his behaviour because "I did counselling - for you ".

He is only attending counselling because he got caught and dumped - if OW had wanted him he would not be participating at all.

you are the oak tree holding up this flimsy ivy plant, without you he will crumble, if you continue to hold him up he will suck the life force from you

I wouldn't show up at counselling. He will blame you for your marriage's demise anyway, no point trying to be nice.

So he’s chosen to move out, and is dictating when he will see you?

Where is he staying?

Suggest reading the Chump Lady stuff.

Just read your updates. Don't turn up to therapy. Its not worth your energy.

He’s staying in a flat.

What I don’t really understand is if he’s trying to restore the marriage why does he want all these days and weeks apart

Well, quite.

I don’t think he does want to save the marriage. He just doesn’t want anything to be his fault. So he goes to therapy to try and get justification /validation for his behaviour, and to be able to say “I tried...it wasn’t me”

Because it doesn’t fit his narrative of ‘everyone has shit on me’ to be honest and leave you when he fell for another woman and continues to moon over her.

I would send him the ‘it doesn’t work for me’ message about therapy, and also message the therapist and say you have been reflecting on things your H has said and you no longer wish to pursue the chance of reconciliation, so will not be at the session on Thu. You do not know whether x wishes to maintain the appointment.

Do this Monday morning to comply with cancellation agreements. Calm, professional, assertive, in control.

You haven’t said whether your children know? I honestly think you should tell them. The bare facts, don’t slag him off, let them know they will want to be in touch with him too, but tell them how distressed and vulnerable you are feeling.

Actually I guess they do know since he is in a flat?

He’s not behaving like he wants to be married. He’s behaving like he wants options.

@Filly2011 - bedtime reading for you:-

www.chumplady.com/archives/

You can do this!!

Hi OP

I know I'm late to this thread, but I've never read of someone so selfish.

So he had an issue with you all of your married life. But never even hinted at it. Even though it was so terrible, he wants to get back with you?

And he did something horrible that hurt you, that in your marriage vows he'd promised to never do...but instead if acknowledging the hurt he's caused, he is now angry at you for expressing how you feel about his actions? Like his rewriting of the narrative that you were horrible lets him off the hook of all consequences?

To be honest the 'everyone shitting on him his whole life' thing sounds like he has a victim mentality. Which means its always someone elses fault, and he will never accept responsibility.

I think when you take a step back you'll see lots of situations where he has been really selfish in the past

This man is a key-unt. A pathetic arsehole of a man who will ALWAYS be the victim.
You are an amazing woman who deserves a million times more that what he can give you.
Dig deep, tell him therapy isn’t working for you, and your marriage isn’t working for you.
And ditch the therapist!

Hang on just a moment here: you agreed to couples therapy which HE stormed out of in the last session. Don't tell him therapy isn't working for you; tell him it isn't working for him. He has clearly given up on it and you have no intention of attending 'couoles' therapy alone or starting another session as a couple and finishing it single.

He bailed, not you. He has voted with his feet and you took note. Couples counselling is over because HE walked. Just another example of how he wants you to take the blame for everything.

the emotional leech is desperately trying to make sure he feels better himself that his safe backup option is still hanging in there for him

THIS ^

When my marriage ended abruptly when my husband cheated on me, I was devastated, I didn't know how to be on my own, I didn't think I'd cope and I was so confused with the mixture of anger, hurt and feelings of loss that I couldn't see a way forward. The first year was difficult, I'll admit. I had two young children who didn't understand and my XH let them down which hurt them and hurt me. He did things I never thought he'd be capable of. All I could do at that time was get through a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, sometimes even just a minute. But over time, I started to rebuild my life. At first it was just because I thought it's what I should be doing, but then I started to really enjoy the freedom I had of being on my own and it was liberating to not have to involve anyone else in big decisions. I'm now three years on from when we separated. I've bought a house with my partner, I'm pregnant, my children are happy, settled and thriving and I recently passed my driving test. Their father lives with his parents, doesn't see his children regularly enough to have a meaningful relationship with them, changes jobs endlessly and can't afford a car. I thought I was the one who was losing something when our marriage ended, but it turns out it was quite the opposite.

He's spending all his time apart from you either trying to get back with her or find another partner. I would be checking all the appropriate dating sites if I were you OP he will be on all of them I imagine.

Men are rarely like women in that they will leave and set up on their own. They wait until they have a sure thing before leaving. He is paying lip service to you, keeping you as an option only. Get digging. Seek and you shall find.

Thank you for all your replies and support. It’s both encouraging (and sad) to hear other similar tales of infidelity and getting over it.

One thing I suddenly take on board is that he has been an absolute fool, as someone said he has risked his marriage for OW who’s not even prepared to stand by him. Even worse to think he’s still in love with her.

It makes me feel better to think he’s an idiot. He’s now just miserable, and she’s gone back to her (probably quite cross) husband and may also be miserable. Dh and OW both deserve it.

I really don’t think he’s on dating sites though. I think he’s mooning about feeling sorry for himself and his lost love.

He deceived you for 14 months and if he did this so easily without you knowing about it then he must have done it before. You are in your sixties you are young and can still live a great happy life and meet someone else. Don’t spend the rest of your life miserable with him.

At present he seems to think you’re a certain option for him. He could do to be reminded that you too have options, can take all the time you wish to decide what comes next (with no contact in the meantime) and may not choose him.

Counselling alone could help you to consider your options. Not with the couple’s counsellor as that wouldn’t be good practice on her part, someone else.

Years ago there was a MN poster who wrote about things a cheating man wishing to stay married could do to try make amends for an affair. I THINK her name was something like when will I feel normal. She got a lot of stick from some posters. It was things like taking full responsibility for the affair, listening to the “wronged” partner’s feelings, no contact at all with OW, and (obviously) not mooning over the OW/his feelings (or, if he must, doing that in individual counselling). It struck me on finding your thread that your H has done none of the things the poster mentioned, or other things to indicate that he wants you, and that this doesn’t bode well for a future with him.

I’m not sure how long it takes to move on OP. I know you’re heading in the right direction. OW and he are both incredibly selfish, manipulative and driven by only gaining for themselves.

I really hope you can slowly but surely pull away from his grasp - I can’t imagine what it’s like. I said in an earlier post to stop going to therapy with him - I hope you sort some therapy for yourself as you embark on this journey. I’m pleased others have given advice about what they have done with their lives during and after a separation to support you.

You need a plan.

Make a plan.

Get yourself out of this hellish torture.

I realise this isn’t the topic of the thread, OP, but can I ask where you got the lamb recipe? It’s made my mouth water just reading your description!

Back on topic, you H is taking zero responsibilty for his actions, and is trying to make it all your fault (which it’s not).

By telling you that every time you mention the OW it makes him grieve for her is his way of getting you to stop talking about it.

Spend your weekends just chilling with the dog for now - you work and are trying to get over his betrayal. There is nothing wrong with down time at the weekends until you feel stronger.

Do you have any one close you can talk to? Sometimes you just need someone to listen and tell you you’re doing okay.