Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

I would also recommend you tell family and close friends (inc your dc), you need their support, by not telling them you are protecting him (and I'm sure he wouldn't want them knowing what a shitbag he's being), but your denying yourself your support structure you need at the moment

Please get rid of him ... please don't spend any more time feeling like this ... he's burdened you with all this .. you will feel
Like a massive weight has lifted .. Be brave

Miracle recovery @Filly2011 from yesterday to today and cooking lamb. Lost 10 kilos in 2 weeks when mine happened .

What a self centred arse he is. No thought for how you might feel that he’s been living a lie etc with you , it’s all about him. Make a list of stuff you fancy doing, Be it a trip with a friend, visiting places, doing cookery school- whatever— pin it up!! And plan days out, meet new people, this chap really really doesn’t deserve you at all— and who wants to feel second best after all these years. There are some amazing older guys out there who would love to meet someone like you and give you a good time if it’s that you don’t like your own company. I can’t believe your H doesn’t have the decency to shut his trap, button up any upset he might have and have been very greatful that you would even consider having him in your life. How dare he say you have been making him miserable. Funny how he hasn’t left before if he was that miserable!!

Thanks Penguin I’m trying. That’s the first thing I’ve cooked for ages.
Even now he’s controlling stuff. He’s just texted to say he’ll see me next Thursday at therapy. What I don’t really understand is if he’s trying to restore the marriage why does he want all these days and weeks apart. It’s not how couples usually live is it? I mean I don’t care but it seems an odd way to treat the person you are supposed to be getting together with.

He’s going through the motions because he thinks if he does you’ll take him back. He wants his old easy life back & he’s pissed off that you had the temerity not to pat his head and go “there there”

He dorsnt actually want to do anything different or hard or take any responsibility you understand

He’s beyond selfish he really is

He's keeping you dangling whilst he calls the shots that's why. Seems to be all about control with him. You're his plan B. Sit there like a good little girl and wait until he throws you some crumbs.

Tell him the therapy is not working for you. You don’t need to explain yourself to that selfish, cruel man.

Tell him you’ve seen no remorse from him and you’re not willing to be a consolation prize and it’s patently obvious he’d have left you had the OW not dumped him.

You sound so lovely. I’m cheering you on so hard! 🙌🏼 Find your fire. Life is short. Start making appointments to view places on your hometown. Enjoy your space. You are well rid of that leech.

Take some control back right now. Text him and say

'I won't be at the session on Thursday, its not working for me. I'll get in touch when I've decided on my next step'.

You really need to stop the therapy. The therapist you are seeing has completely bought into his victim complex and has now accepted you as 'the bad guy'. Tell your OH that you are no longer interested in couples counselling and that you will be seeking counselling for yourself only.

As for the victim narrative - been there, done that. My late husband was a master at it. His thing was alcohol, not other women, but it was everyone else's fault that he drank. I was bossy and uncaring, the DDs were defiant and ill mannered, everyone at his work was out to get him. It was never, ever him. Recognise the pattern? You'd think that if people were all reacting badly to you, you'd stop and think 'maybe it's me?'. But somehow that type never do.

Counselling for you is incredibly important because it will help you detach. You need support to enable you to stop putting him first in your own mind and start thinking about your happiness and wellbeing. Once you've managed that, you will find it much easier to stop questioning yourself and start realising just how awful he has been.

Personally I wouldn’t text him tonight. Let him stew and enjoy your meal.

Frankly, he is only missing her because she dared to ditch him. A hurt pride is more painful than a broken heart.

As above - plus, your (l)awful wedded half-wit might have been sworn to secrecy - you haven't - tell everybody what a twat he is, and what a cowbag she is.

Ha ha. I just got a text from him saying he’s not coming this weekend and sorry not to use cinema ticket I’d bought. I replied don’t worry I’ve got someone else to take it. Cue text demanding to know who! What a cock

"No-one you know."

Well done, Filly

Tell him the therapy is not working for you.

Or just don't turn up. You owe him nothing. And I agree with Fluffycloud - don't reply tonight (or tomorrow - it's the weekend). Let him stew, indeed.

And Filly - you are feeling full of adrenalin because you are starting to take control. Please be aware that this probably won't last - your confidence will fluctuate - don't weaken!

Keep strong and maintain your distance. Tell your friends and your family - you will need their support. Don't let him bully or plead or blackmail you into letting him back into your life.

You have a dog, children and friends - you don't need anyone else at the moment, and may well find that these are all you will ever need.

Just remember - if he says or does anything which makes you feel unhappy, depressed or guilty, YOU DON'T NEED IT!

You can manage perfectly well without him.

Like PP said, stop the joint therapy- it is not doing you any good, its probably adding to yor unhappiness. It sounds as if the therapist is supporting his behaviour and believes his self pitying narrative. Look for a therapist just for you to help you get your self esteem back.
Tell the children and friends.
See a solicitor.
You asked what people do at the weekends - often organisations need volunteers at the week end- our food bank is always asking for assitance on a Saturday. Museums/National Trust/ English Heritage/RHS are often short of tour or room guides etc at the weekend., excercise classes. Sounds silly but some retired friends and I volunteer at the weekend and visit exhibitions etc in the week when it is quieter.
Look after YOURSELF

Time to take back control.

Text him back (not today, don’t rush) that you no longer want to participate therapy with him.

The therapist is shit and is clearly doing a shit job as they are validating his feelings. He isn’t committed to you, if he was he would be doing absolutely anything and everything to try and fix this. He couldn’t be further away from doing this.

What he actually wants is for you to brush the whole thing under the carpet and throw him a pity party. That’s why he gets annoyed when you mention the OW, as far as he’s concerned you should be over it as he chose you, right? Ignoring the fact that he’s only with you because she dumped him. As far as he’s concerned the world should feel sorry for him as it’s everyone else’s fault. His level of self absorption and lack of awareness is shocking.

Weekend things:

Read books by an author you love
Write or join an online writing course
Cinema
Bake bread or cakes
Make some really nice food and have a friend stay overnight for a meal and Netflix binge.
Art club
Book club
Voluntary work
Learn a language and book a holiday to the relevant place.
Get a lodger in.
Take up gardening. Growing things is massively therapeutic.
Dance.
Go and stay in your hometown over a long weekend and imagine living there again!
Go to the gym.
Join a Pilates or yoga class.
Book a massage.
Get your hair done.

Please value yourself. You owe it to yourself and your children.

Well you're sounding much brighter than a t the beginning of the thread! Imagine how you're gonna feel in another 3 months or so of putting yourself first and making a break.
Where is he staying? I know you said earlier but I can't remember if it's a flat on his own or someone's sofa.... It's just a very strange decisions of his, even though he's saying it's because of you and bringing the OW up, it's just odd. Is he one to fend for himself or have you largely done the cooking, laundry etc?
I'm a bit suspicious of his motives....

"Therapy is not working for me pointless
I am not pursuing it further.
Time to knock this on the head, I'm done"

Yes, you are absolutely not obliged to carry on with the couples therapy, particularly as it doesn’t sound appropriate for either of you. If he wants a place to process his feelings for the OW, individual therapy is the place. For you some individual therapy will help you decide what you want to do from here onwards and process your feelings without someone basically insisting you forgive them - oh, and have their share of the responsibility too. Any good therapist (joint or individual) should not be in any way suggesting he carries no blame/is the only one hurting.

Filly2011 everything has been turned on its head indeed, but once you begin to grab control back you will feel better, I promise! It isn't easy at the beginning but now that you have support here and you will also have it IRL once you tell everyone what a complete arse he has been and still is. You also find out who your true friends are.

He will most likely insist it’s you sabotaging couples therapy, but you know that’s rubbish. You’re not the one who flounces off if they hear something challenging about themselves. Enjoy your cosy night in without the damp cloud of sulking to put a downer on things. 🍷

I'll start by saying that you and I are about the same age Filly, with grown sons and a 30+ year marriage. And although I've never been in your situation I think I can see how you're feeling. You live practically your whole life thinking things are a certain way and then you get kicked arse over teakettle!

The thing is, he's still using you as an emotional support, the way a husband and wife in a good marriage do. But you are 'not allowed' to do the same because it 'upsets him'. The only thing you can do now is to turn off that tap. He refuses to let you vent about OW? Fine, then stop. Never mention her, it does no good anyway. You can find other outlets for that emotion. But in return he is NOT allowed to bring up his 'sorrow' about her. If he does, you need to put up your hand and say "Stop! I don't want to hear any more about your sordid little affair. I don't care about your feelings at her ending it. Why on earth would I?".

See a counselor for you and you only. Personally I'd stop going to any type of marriage counseling. Both of you are mired down in your own feelings about this mess anyway. What on earth good can joint counseling do? But getting your own counselor to help you see the future clearly and to help you work through the emotions you need to work through without any regards to his feelings, that's what you really need.

So personally, for me infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. I don't care why or how if my DH cheated, he would be gone so fast it'd make his head spin. Why? Not just because of breaking our vow of faithfulness, but because I could never trust him again. We could go to counseling, he could be an 'open book', I might even be able to forgive (probably not). But the trust would be gone and I would never choose to live with someone I could not trust.

In your situation, I'd kick him to the kerb and start to live my own GOOD life. A life free of manipulation and pain.

please please stand him up with the therapy appt, just dont show up, and when he complains just dismiss him, or dont even reply:)
you have much better things to do:)

He’s rewriting history.

If he was suspicious 12 years ago, that’s totally irrelevant (and I think untrue/exaggerated).

He says you were unkind but he is being terribly unkind.

Keep up with the driving. Eat well.

Look into the finances, even if you are not leaving now.

I can’t help think that she was financially rewarded by the affair and this maybe why she was so “nice” to him (but then cut him off when shit got real).

Don’t leave it too long before moving back to your friends and telling your children.

If you leave he may have another future relationship but if you stay OW might need another contract or miss his wining selfish personality. I doubt the other woman will be mothering your children and you do sound capable of making an independent life.

Being annoyed at you because you “upset him” by bringing up the affair takes the biscuit.

OP seriously walk away from this shitshow. You and him are shoehorning you into the role of saviour of a marriage that is not worth a candle.