Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Ignore. And don’t “date” him. That’s just feeding his ego, which is already at the centre of his life. Be single until such time that you find someone worth your time and attention!

OW has kids btw (grown up ones). When she left dh apparently they both cried and she she said she had to leave him because she had to put her family first.

Can you imagine a man trying to do this to a woman ? All hell would break loose.

All hell would not break loose if she was the cheat.

He is such a dick.

How romantic. Not!

Given you’ve been prepared to give him another chance he could at least have the decency to be grateful and have STFU about OW and his feelings about her.

Honestly, whatever your shared history, what is there to be gained from staying married to / dating someone too self absorbed to even do that?

re Even today when I politely asked him not to come here there’s no answer from him. Not even a text to ask if I’m ok. I’m just left hanging. He could just say ‘ok I understand’ or something
if you ask him to leave you alone, you need to use that "dick free" space to take care of yourself, not sit wondering if he will, or why he hasn't called.
You asked him to stay away,

just trying to explain this is a lot for me (nearly 40 years of shared history, children, bereavements, health scares, etc etc). I don’t feel that my pride is dented I just feel very depressed and anxious.

This is to be expected, and his behaviour is adding to it.

That past still existed. That history is still there. But now things have changed for the future and to be honest, that is always scary. People dont really like change and often will hang onto stuff thats really not good just to avoid having to do it.
But sometimes change is what we need, and I think this is one of those times. You sound very strong and capable - in fact the only place you feal worn down is because of his behaviour and subsequent attempt to bring you down to the misery point he is wallowing in.
Id dont believe any of what he said is true, but even if it were, then its best you go your seperate ways because why try to save such a miserable existance. I think its part of the script.
You dont need him to be your life support system. He sounds like a leaky lifeboat anyway to tell the truth, its time to build your own support.
Get some councelling. Cancel that useless marriage counciller first thing Monday and find someone who will help you rebuild your boundaries and self confidence. You have worked hard and have money and future plans sorted - so you are in a great starting place to not have that to worry about. If you have to sell up and if you want to move to a new home that suits your new lifestyle, it will rid your worry that some new woman will be in your home. (I think that thought will be far from your mind once you start to move forwards)
So many studies show that as people get older, single women are happier and healthier than single men, so thank that OW for giving you your freedom and future health and happiness. Im sure it will be full.

He is such a twat. In response to his interrogation about the cinema ticket, I hope you replied airily, "Oh nobody you know."

I'll bring wine if I can come round to dinner -it sounds lovely.

I love your reply about the cinema tickets. So he doesn't like it too much when things are turned around.

Keep reading this thread. It's amazing what you pick up on here. So many women who have had similar problems / experiences all willing to share.

Come! Bring wine Ellie56. I’m not a bad cook and there’s loads too much!

Can you start making secret plans?

It will buoy you up, you start putting money in an account he does not know about and cannot touch. You start looking a house/apartments available (sale, rent) in an area you’d like to live. You start planning a better life. Bit by bit it will come to materialise, and you will be free of this emotional leech of a man

We have separate bank accounts. Always have had. I couldn’t afford a house without selling this one though.
I was looking at houses in my birth town earlier. It’s much cheaper than here.

How long would the commute to work be? Distance / time.

I think moving would be great, a new house, all yours, no shadows of him & your children growing up. easier to upkeep as you grown old
No empty bedrooms to clean ...
Also ultimately he will want half the house value.
Just beware of moving to be near one friend.
old best friend are often best because they are seen infrequently.

Drive of 1 hr 20 mins

Rent first, then buy when the divorce is done and dusted and finances are clear

It’s not just one friend there it’s several and I see them very often. Well one of them doesn’t like dh (and didn’t even before this crap) but we used to go on holiday with them too.

He said both I and OW had “shit on him” as well as his parents and pretty much everyone he’s ever worked with. And his sister.

If you’re generally kind you may have one or two people through life do you a bad turn. Kindness and treating others as you wish to be treated generally reaps kindness in turn.

Having an affair with a liar & cheating on two people himself, telling lies, being deceitful isn’t going to bring out kindness in other people

What did he expect?

If he’s the sort of person that lies and cheats I bet he’s done it during his adult life & others have caught him out. Being a coward & if shallow morals he can’t even bring himself to admit he’s shat all over himself.

Don’t waste your breath explaining as quite truthfully he’ll never want to see it as his own actions that have caused him misery

You don’t need that type of negativity in your life

Oh that’s too far to drive daily IMO. But you could certainly spend more time in your hometown?

I hope you replied that it was none of his bloody business who was using the other cinema ticket, or just said 'a friend'. He doesn't need to know who it is or isn't!

I’m cooking roast lamb in red wine jus with mashed potatoes and sprouting broccoli. And then I’m going to watch a film on Netflix cuddling the dog while storm Dennis does its worst. There’s no wine but have made a sort of cocktail of vodka, lime and elderflower fizz.
I think women have greater reserves of strength than men. anyway I’m hoping so!

Yay well done! Filly A very good plan for the evening. When you wake up tomorrow you could make a list of what you need to do in practical terms beginning with a message to your husband-in-name-only nto to contact you for the time being as you need SPACE.

Then you can cancel Marriage counselling and find your own counsellor (GP may be able to recommend someone); arrange a meeting with a solicitor ASAP so you know where you stand financially with regard to a divorce (do you have copies of bank statement, are your accounts separate or joint, is your home still mortgaged and if so for how much longer?)

Book some time off and go and stay with family and/or best friend.

Please continue to talk to people IRL as well as here, fo support. Your children should know what has happened re the affair is they do not already, and his treatment of you since.

Finally I was divorced at the age of 62, after 30 years of marriage and 2 years after I discovered my ex had been in a long term relationshi with another man. Ten years on I enjoy being my own person, and even though I have a new partner I am answerable to no-one. It is SO liberating. Good luck

filly sorry for typos

So many similar stories from amazing women on here. Gives you courage. Everyone seems to feel liberated and happy in the end.

Supershinemum you have had a horrible experience too.
It’s like everything you think you know is turned on it’s head

Well done for tonight OP. Take one day at a time. you will find you have your good days and bad days but you WILL start to feel better.

I'd also recommend you continue with the counciling, but in your own.

I recommend you read @Lilly007 thread, her dh left her for ow after 25 years.