Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

"He is a spineless arsehole that is blaming you for the affair he had. If he loved or had any kind of respect for you he would be sorry for the hurt that he has caused you."

This ^^. He is gaslighting you and grinding you down when he is the inadequate, selfish one who won't take responsibility for his poor life choices. He has made you lose any self esteem that you had with his nasty gaslighting.

Well done on getting back behind the wheel. Why did you stop driving?

OP I completely understand why you can't take action straight away. Give yourself time to think. Allow yourself to grieve, because that is what you need to do, at the very least you're grieving for the relationship you thought you had even if you do stay with your husband, and then re-read this thread and take from it what you find useful. There's some fantastic advice here.

I just feel very low and depressed and everything is a worry. I’m even worrying about not being able to park the bloody car now! I know I’ll get through this but I haven’t got the heart for confronting him about money the house etc. It’s like I need to be very strong but I just feel depleted and weak.

I can practically promise you that when you tell your children what is happening, and see the tremendous support they offer you - you will get the strength to end this farce of a relationship. And when you take the decision to end it, your depression will lift - the sun will come out on your life again and you will see clearly what is important for YOU! Honestly - I haven't been through this particular scenario, but I have been in situations where it's been hell, and I couldn't summon the courage to get out because that was all I knew - but when I did, it was literally as though a huge weight had been lifted off me. I felt physically and mentally lighter and freer.

I can’t believe he’s the same man tbh. He seems like a horrible stranger. He says OW was just lovely to be around and cheerful and kind every day. Not like me apparently.

When you do kick him out, tell him it's for his sake, because you love him so much. You can't bear to be the cause of so much disappointment to him. And refuse to take him back NO MATTER whAT HE SAYS OR PROMISeS (because he will beg, plead and threaten - and blame you for the break-up, just as he's blaming you for the affair.) Let him say what he likes, blame who he likes - walk away (or better, drive away - quickly) - with your head held high.

Salmon of knowledge thank you so much. I’ll look at those.

Gin for dinner I stopped driving because I was living and working in central London and didn’t need a car so got out of the habit. Also I hated it!

the reason he is dumping all this emotional crap on you is because he understands instinctively that this is the way to keep you off balance and stop you from becoming strong enough to end the relationship, he is deliberately weakening you so that you don't have the strength to get rid of him
(It's a rather parasitic modus operandi isn't it)

But do YOU want the marriage to work @Filly2011 this is about what you want

Kit19 I thought I did but now I can’t go on like this. It’s really making me feel awful.

Thanks so much to all of you for the advice. It has genuinely made me feel more positive.

I was bothered about all kinds of rubbish:
OW moving into my lovely house and ‘mothering’ my children
DH finding someone else - maybe someone younger and having new family and as above
Getting old and ill and being alone
Having wasted over 30 years on pointless marriage
Am I really responsible for affair by my cold, unaffectionate behaviour and untrustworthiness (dh words)
But I know these are just silly worries.

@TheStuffedPenguin

@SandyY2K

I may not divorce him, but I'd definitely disengage and start living my own life. I'd be coming and going as I please

Why on earth would she do that ? What a miserable existence

Actually doing what I want wouldn't be a miserable existence. I wouldn't be listening to his whining about his lost love.

I'd start getting out there and exploring my own future, then leave him when it suited me.

Especially if divorce means he gets any of my assets ...I'd be in no rush to divorce him. I'd just ensure I had made a will and he doesn't feature in it.

OP you sound really depressed and when you're depressed, getting out of bed feels like a big achievement.

If you're on antidepressants, I think you need to go back to your doctor because they're clearly not working.

You need to stop the relationship therapy as it's crushing your self esteem and doing nothing for your mental health. I suggest as others here have done, that you get individual counselling and start working on yourself.

I'm glad to hear that you're living separately. That's the only positive I've read on this thread. I think with some counselling, medication change and time, you'll start to come out of the fog and you'll be able to see this situation more clearly. You'll understand why everyone is urging you to leave.

I suggest you start looking into divorce. Get some advice on what would happen in the event of divorce so you know what you can expect should you choose to go down that route.

You can find therapists here.

On my goodness OP throw him out today! You're only 60, get involved in classes (crafts or activities or exercise) join a book club, go to the pub, a coffee group, walking group, volunteer, wherever you can do something you enjoy and meet some new people. What a miserable bastard.

Think of leaving him as taking control of your life rather than letting him go

Am I really responsible for affair by my cold, unaffectionate behaviour and untrustworthiness (dh words)

This is classic gaslighting. Inadequate people never take responsibility for their own behaviour and always blame someone else.

It wasn't your fault

Hey OP, you'll be a hell of a lot better without the whiny baby. your children are presumably grown up so they'll be no mothering from another woman.

I think you'll be fine.

Wow, just read that she is apparently kind and lovely.

I cannot believe you have to accept this comparison presented as the narrative that must never be raised.

You are perpetually in a competition that you didn't choose to enter. Who could hold on to their sense of self and their self-esteem in those circumstances. That cannot work for you.

You have the gift of being content on your own. You can get that back in your own secure safe place.

So cold and unaffectionate he married you? It’s not something you usually seek out in a partner is it?.

None of this is your fault or even hers. It's his.

You've had lots of advice and I'm not qualified. But I hope you can move on from this, because you deserve better.

Enjoy your car! I rarely drove for 10 years (Central London) but I'm back in my own car and loving it (still in Central London). Go out in it every day. You'll be grand.

Your ''untrustworthiness'' -

He is gaslighting you indeed.

'working on the marriage' often means the man hoping to pick up where he left off, with wife fulfilling role as useful kitchen accessory, and attempting to sweep everything under the carpet.
It very rarely works because the man doesnt want reminding about the damge he has caused and wants you to stop bringing it up.
This means he isnt really willing to get to the bottom of understanding what made him feel entitled to have an affair

This rewriting of a sad and miserable marriage is also part of the script - bringing up all your faults and trying to lay the blame for his wandering penis at your feet. Mostly it is untrue. Mostly it is a rewriting concocted between the man and his OW to enable them both to feel entitled to act the way they are, that they deserve this because of the bad treatment they have suffered.

The adult thing to have done would have to brought up these problems before. To have discussed them and either split up - allowing him free to find his soul mate - or tried to put them right, meaning no need to find solace. Its amazing how many of these men with such dreadful miserable existances dont ever seem to take these steps until little miss willing is in the background.

Stop having counselling with this tosspot. The counsellor sounds absolute rubbish. Really. Completely dreadful. Or tell them that you have decided that the marriage is untenable and you want their advice to move forward towards making that permanent. Fuck all this patience for the hurt to fade, when the hurt is not being addressed, and is being rubbed in your face by this selfish crybaby manchild.

Have some counselling for yourself instead. Invest in yourself. 60 is nothing, 60 is the new start. What have you always wanted to do - do it. Stop being available to his moaning. In fact Id say stop being available to him full stop. Tell your friends. Tell your children. Dont keep his dirty secrets.

None of this is your fault. Dont let him drag you down any more by suggesting it is. No relationship is perfect and the adult thing to do is to discuss things, not stick your dick in another woman and then ask your wife to console you when it all goes tits up. He still loves her. There is no marriage to work on if he is in love with another woman, even if she has dumped him.

Part of not being under any obligation to ‘be patient’ is not being under any obligation to rush into decisions about your future. He’s in a flat and not your house. Good. That gives you some space and means you don’t have to witness him licking his wounds, and space to attend to yours. If this affair had not come to light: how were things between you? Jogging along tolerably enough? Good? You need space to think about what you want and whether you still have enough affection for your H to feel there is something to work at. I’ve known of a situation where a woman allowed her ex to return to the family home as a sort of lodger (when the very much younger OW got bored and booted him out). There were practical and financial advantages to the arrangement but it was clear it was just that, not a marriage.

DH finding someone else maybe someone younger
I understand why you worried about this but think about it no one else is going to put up with this whining nonsense are they?
This man is NOT a good catch!
The last person who caught him threw him right back in the pond and he's not getting any younger is he.

Thanks again for kind advice.

Can I just ask people who have been in similar position (ie newly separated) what they do at weekends? As my family etc not near I am mainly alone. I walk the dog, clean house, do food shopping and cooking, read. But since all this crap I feel constantly anxious and like I should be doing more. I feel his absence at weekends - more as an activity really!

He wants you to play the pick up game.
You should be incredibly nice and pleasant to him because otherwise he'll leave you for another woman. Because he's such a catch.
And tbh, you did reinforce that impression by wanting to give it another go even though he had been dumped by OW, not chosen you over her.

You're worth much more than that.

Just agreeing with @SandyY2K and @Lottapianos that leaving when you're not in immediate danger can be something that doesn't have to be within 72 hours.

I think you can get yourself to a different place in your head from under the same roof. Disengage and launch yourself in to projects personally. There are so many ''coaches'' on the internet. I have found really great ones. My communication skills and my resilience and even the ''archetype'' that I identify (primarily) have all been strengthened from what I've learned sitting in a comfortable chair!

Freedom is in your head.

When you're in the right place mentally downloading rent allowance forms and habitual domicile forms and lone parent allowance forms (or whatever practicalities you need to take on) feel so much easier and less overwhelming.

Do the will. Save. Plan. Disengage. Find new tribes.

You will be ok, he will disappear up his own arse in an implosion of self-pity

ps, and I don't mean coaches that I paid for.

Op if that's what you want to do with your weekends please don't feel you MUST "fill" your time doing a million and one other things. It's PERFECTLY ok to do just want you want and no more.