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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 15/02/2020 10:03

What a lovely person OW is. Couldn't help shagging your DH to make sure she got projects from him. So unhappily married, and so in love with your DH she dumped him to go back to her DH.

Your DH is a completely selfish, fanny struck twat, and you are sloppy seconds to him. Is that good enough for you? Really?

totallyradllama · 15/02/2020 10:05

He is idealising her. There are still three of you in this marriage, he is still comparing you. He also sounds depressed but that's his issue to deal with not for you to fix by being a stepford wife

You deserve better than this
LTB

HappydaysArehere · 15/02/2020 10:09

Do you still love him? Can you still be happy living with him? If the answer is yes and not just because you are used to each other then perhaps it can be worked through.
However, if you are unhappy and can’t imagine regaining the happiness you once had then perhaps you can look at the practicalities of separation. The prospect of separation might focus your husband’s on what is really important to him or it might offer the two of you a release from continual anguish and distrust. I do hope this will resolve itself as you have had children and a long marriage.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/02/2020 10:10

Your husband and you don’t understand the real meaning of grieve for a start.

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 10:12

This man is completely self-absorbed, he thought his life was going to be all hearts and flowers from now on and now that his fantasy has been snatched away from him he wants to punish you OP for the loss of it
as he gets older he will become more self-absorbed and he will punish you even more.
You should escape whilst you still can

yellowallpaper · 15/02/2020 10:13

I'd rather be in my own thank Cole with al the mind fuck that's being dumped on you. He's not taking responsibility. He's not caring of you. He's not putting any effort into regaining your trust and he's blaming you. Dump him.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/02/2020 10:13

The therapist says I have to be patient and wait for OW to fade from DH mind. He can’t just switch his affections apparently but he's ‘chosen me’ as he’s committed to counselling and the marriage.

I missed this bollocks initially.

Where did your therapist qualify, the scammer's college of take-a-break?

Why is the therapist giving directional counselling?

ThatsSooooGerard · 15/02/2020 10:14

Ffs why would you put up with this shit? Tell him to get to fuck! And maddie is right, grieving is the wrong word and an insult to those who have gone through it.

dottiedodah · 15/02/2020 10:14

I think she sounds as bad as him! Wanting to stay friends with him and take advantage of lucrative work contracts ! She is the very embodiment of the worst CF ever .You are worth so much more .The problem is when you have been married a long time with a family it is hard to cut yourself loose .Try to see a future on your own its scary I know nu worth it to be rid of this man !

Troels · 15/02/2020 10:18

apparently but he's ‘chosen me’ as he’s committed to counselling and the marriage.

But he hasn't chosen you, she dumped him so he came home with his tail between his legs looking for his back up plan to fall into place.
Don't for a second think that if she changed her mond he wouldn't dump you in a heartbeat and go off with her.

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 10:18

The other woman has made a complete and utter fool of him and instead of owning it he's trying to crush you and make you suffer
Find your righteous anger!

Original poster
Filly2011 · 15/02/2020 10:19

I know I have to leave him and I want to but I can’t face doing it right now this minute. I’m just shattered. I understand the self-esteem issue. I just need time to think.
He’s in his flat so we’ve got distance for now. I’ve told him I’d prefer it if he doesn’t come here today as he originally planned.
I can’t stand being told by him that I’m provoking his unhappiness by ‘obsessing about the affair’. It’s easier to be alone.
I just have to get used to spending some days alone. It’s weird because before his affair I often spent days alone and didn’t mind at all. All this crap had driven me mad.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 15/02/2020 10:22

That's ok you can take your time to gather your strength, get yourself as much alone time as you need and don't tip him off about your plans, you don't owe him any explanations you don't have to be open with him about what you're planning to do do.

cowboy · 15/02/2020 10:22

I don't think she has ruined your life. I think she has showed you what kind of man your husband is.
Get rid of him and get a new life, a fresh start for yourself. Join and evening class - something you really fancy doing and get a friend to go on holiday with you somewhere if you can, get away for a few days or a week to have a break. Can you do some voluntary work to meet new people and get a new interest? I think starting over is the best thing you could do to show him that you don't need him.

CakeandCustard28 · 15/02/2020 10:23

Oh bless you. I don’t blame you bringing up the affair he’s made you feel like utter shit and blames you for it? He’s the one who cheated not you! Doesn’t sound the least bit apologetic about his actions. I hope you find the courage to leave him one day, you shouldn’t be second best you should find someone who makes you first best.

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 10:25

When he starts pouring all his woes out onto you, blaming you or saying anything that makes you feel upset just shut him down and walk away, you don't have to listen to him, you don't have to be good company or make him feel good
(I would make sure that I was very BAD company so that he wants to spend all his time in his flat!)

SalmonOfKnowledge · 15/02/2020 10:25

@MashedPotatoBrainz this is so spot on.

@Filly2011It is hard to cut loose but plenty of us have done it. I did it at nearly 40 and although I didn't feel old per se (as in, ''Am I too old to start again?'') I did have two toddlers so it was a long time before I had any freedom in the traditional sense but I was free from HIM and every decision I made from then on served me and my children. These small steps are invisible each one, just a tiny invisible step. But then a few years after cutting loose you realise that you're in a better place and the life that has opened up around you is more peaceful, more authentic and you have the freedom to keep making those small steps and choices that serve you.

It was horrendous cutting loose and I can see why people put it off and persuade themselves that it isn't worth it but it is worth it. Change is always hard. Change is scary. There is no ''hack'' to make change fun !!

MrsAJ27 · 15/02/2020 10:26

He is a spineless aresehole that is blaming you for the affair he had. If he loved or had any kind of respect for you he would be sorry for the hurt that he has caused you.

You know that you deserve better than this!

Put some distance between you, go and see a therapist and build yourself back up to a position where you can tell him to fuck off and stay in his pity party for one!

HelgaHere1 · 15/02/2020 10:26

Honestly, see a solicitor - you don't have to act on the information you get from them. But what it does is allow the future to be something eg an opportunity to move to be near family, an opportunity to retire early and do whatever........... the future is no longer a scary hole of loneliness as you live out your years sad and alone.
Once you are empowered by knowing what the ACTUAL opportunities for the future are, and how secure you will be financially, you can deal more sensibly with DH.
While being on your own in the future is a scary blank he will have the upperhand in any discussions.

Bluetrews25 · 15/02/2020 10:27

Filly, can I ask, what would you be doing with your life if this miserable cheating scumbag had left you 6 months ago? Where would you live, how would you occupy yourself?
Would you feel that a weight had lifted?
You have had many good posts on here, just wanted to add my support to you.
The therapist does sound shit. He's not shagging her now, is he?
Was OW just shagging him for the business?
I hope he's not giving her any work now. Actually, I bet she'd come back if that happened - to try to get the contract back. There's a name for that, I think it's prostitution.

Jaxhog · 15/02/2020 10:31

What a self-indulgent, selfish git. You deserve better.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 15/02/2020 10:34

@Filly2011 Pressure to do something right now can lead to more emotional thinking and then the tendency could be to cling to what's familiar. But it's not good for you.

Set yourself different challenges for now, challenges that can be achieved in your currently familiar environment. ie, the challenge of being ready to leave.

Go out to eat alone. Take a different route. Different way of getting there. Ring up somebody you lost contact with. Small steps.

There are clips on youtube about starting again at 60. Have a look. The first few you listen to may be annoying but there will be somebody who will SPEAK to you.

There is an audio clip online for The Six Pillars of SElf-esteem and it really helped me get the ground beneath my feet.

I knew it all intellectually but it was good to listen to it a few times. I still go back to this when something rips the rug out from under me a bit.

strawberry2017 · 15/02/2020 10:37

I'm so sorry OP

Original poster
Filly2011 · 15/02/2020 10:40

Bluetrews25 you are right in that I have thought lots of times that it would have been better if he’d just told me and left me months ago. I would have felt bad but I would have got on with my new life.

This Trying to make it work turns out to be very unpleasant. Every day some new emotional crap to deal with. That’s what has made me so down and that’s why I had such a strong reaction to having it confirmed at the therapist that dh still has feelings for OW. It was unbearable to hear. Partly because dh has seen me crying, extremely depressed, on antidepressants, losing shed loads of weight - and he still can’t condemn OW behaviour or see her as anything but “lovely and kind”.
I’m his wife of many years and the mother of his children.
She really turned his head that’s for sure.
I’m not saying it’s her fault - not at all - it takes 2 etc. But I just think for my sake he could at least pretend to be over her if he wants marriage to work.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 15/02/2020 10:42

'I’m just shattered. I understand the self-esteem issue. I just need time to think.'

Quite right. Take your time. It's very easy for strangers on the internet to say they would kick his ass and throw all his stuff out and divorce him immediately. It does sound like you are starting down the path that will end in divorcing him, and that really does sound like a sensible course of action.

So take your time, but keep moving forward. Dont see him, hes just using you as an emotional dumping ground. See a solicitor to get advice. Make plans, for yourself. Sleep and rest as much as you can. Try to eat well. You're in recovery from a huge trauma. Go easy on yourself, but keep taking one step at a time

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