Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Filly

Look at meetups online to see what groups you might like to join. Many people join the groups to get out walking, cycling, painting, brunch type activities with other people that want to be socialising and making friends

What hobbies do you have?

Park run on a Saturday
Cycling club run on a Sunday
Cinema club on Sunday nights
Book club in the week
Quiz night with one of the meet-up groups on a Monday
Bowls on a Tuesday
Supper club

Then @Filly2011 you have your answer xxx now you need to spend your time focused on healing you

If you’ve never read it, you need to read The Script - I think you’ll see many familiar things in it xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

There's so much you can do OP. Cinema, museum, gallery, exhibition, walk, hiking, weekend trip to Berlin or Paris, cycling, knitting, painting, reading.

How about meetup.com?

Think about moving back to be with your support network. Have a hair cut, massage, get your nails done, get a colour consultation on clothes and some advice from a personal styling. John Lewis has a personal styling service.

Catch up with some old friends, go and see family.

You are not responsible for his happiness. That's on him. You are responsible for your own, so what makes you happy?

Yes thank so much.
I will go and see my family (France) and I’m going to definitely think about moving to live near my oldest friends (where I grew up). I could commute back to here for work (in car!) maybe.
My job is great and I have nice colleagues a few of whom I socialise with.
This is one of the painful things - despite what DH saying we had such a good life. Happy ok children living own lives, plenty of money, good jobs, lovely home, seemed to get on well enough, went out together, nice holidays. This is why OW such a shock.

When my youngest is old enough to be left on his own overnight I might go on a silver smith course that I saw, also I would love to do a stain glass window course. I think that once you relax and get security and stop worrying about HE thinks then ideas of what will fulfill you and spark joy will come in to your head unprompted.

when you're anxious about what shit he feels and thinks it throws cold water on your soul.

It sounds like your mindset is changing OP and you’re starting to realise you could have a great life without him.

onwards and upwards

There’s a degree of psychology here OP. Your husband is kicking you whilst you’re down and blaming you for his actions. Attacking you as a form of defence and deflecting.

As hard as it might be at the moment, you have to push back really firmly. You literally need to tell him to fuck off and take responsibility for his actions and not shift the blame because you’re having none of it and it’s over.

The power will start to shift. He needs to see you strong. Fake it until you make it.

He’ll only behave the way you want him to if you reject him outrightly and he knows you mean it.

Not that I think you should take the slime ball back but chances are you’ll genuinely want to move on when he realises he’s burnt his bridges and starts to show some contrition.

As for your therapist, suggesting you be patient with him getting over the OW, not sure you’re getting the best support on that front.

Oh do! I know a trip to France is only temporary but you'll feel a different person when you come back. Reminds you that your life is only one of millions of potential lives. IYKWIM.

“Cold water on your soul” EXACTLY
I realise what makes me really unhappy is worrying about his state of mind. Is he upset? Why hadn’t he phoned me etc.
It’s so up and down. Last week he was fine, friendly, planning trip to film with me. Then at therapist he said he’d actually spent week very upset as i had again mentioned OW. Proceeded to get extremely upset and walk out. Now doesn’t know if he can be with me outside therapist office.
This is highly depressing.

He's expecting you to be grateful that he's choosing to work on your marriage but he's also not prepared to listen to any of your emotions about the whole thing. If you dare to mention the OW, he punishes you with anger and sulking and withdrawing his attention. He's trying to train you to accept this.

OMG you can do without that bullshit.

I'd call time on the couple counselling. You need to find somebody who can give YOU back your power and your potential to find your own joys.

You're allowing him to make it depressing OP. This idiot is calling all the shots. You need to take charge. Now. Today. Don't let him do this to you for a moment longer. You can end his self pitying nonsense in four simple words- I want a divorce.

He doesn't deserve you. He must feel like the bloody king of the world at the moment with you there patiently waiting for him to get over his bit on the side sufficiently to want you back. Fuck him OP. You are worth so much more.

Please OP, stop talking to him about the exOW.
Stop listening to him about the exOW.
Every word that you have said comes out of his mouth is designed to hurt you & get you down.
It is so abusive to you & it is working.
You sound so hurt.
Please stop letting him hurt you more because that is all these conversations about the OW are doing.

Your therapist sounds utterly hopeless.
Save the money & use it to get your nails done or something else that makes you feel good.
Then book yourself a different therapist to help YOU move forward without him.

You will never feel better with his endless poisonous drip of OW crap sapping the joy from your life.

Think about it.
Would you have spent so much time telling one of your children how much better one of the others was? How much happier the other child made them? How much more you loved the other child? etc...
You wouldn't have because you would never hurt someone so much on purpose.
You'd recognise how damaging it was if it was being done to someone else.
He is doing this to you.

Filly - I went through very similar when I was 50. My life was a lot better once I took the decision to divorce my then husband. Yes, it was scary but in the end it was the best decision I ever made. Take care of yourself Filly.

No - if I had a favourite child (I don’t) and one of the others accused me of it I’d strongly deny in order to protect sanity of child.
I don’t understand how he can still think he’s in love with her after all this awful Stuff has happened. And how can he bear to tell me?! What the bloody hell is wrong with him? I always thought he was a calm, kind rock of a man.

When my marriage ended I did see some of it was my fault / we rowed every day.

When I remarried and saw my self acting in the same way and I new I had to change or this marriage would go the same way.

No one is perfect.
Marriage is hard work and needs work.

An affair is never the answer.
But if someone accuses you of being Cold I'd be looking at that. My ex dh was cold and it is another reason we split.

Also as pp have this ow was a fantasy.

Most married men do not leave their wives for ow and those that do quickly realise the grass is not greener.

I do not think you are second best. You are not. He did not leave you for her. Even thought he maybe looking back with rose coloured glasses at the fantasy.

He fucked up, and though you have every right to angry , to throw the affair in his face will not lead to healing for either of you.

You need to bill yourself up to be the strong resilient woman I know you are.

I agree with @SandyY2K about get on with your life.

Then you can decide what you want on your terms.

Good luck.

What do I do at weekends? I just luxuriate in all the ME time 😊 indulging myself in doing whatever I feel like

You really need to take control! Stop the therapy - they sound a waste of time, and money to be honest.
Weekends should be about fun things so a nice book, hair, nails maybe a coffee date with friends or cinema club. A bit of voluntary work - many of the nursing homes here are glad of visitors for an hour or so a week and dog rescues are always glad of walkers if you like animals? And definitely go to France, get away for a bit. Stop talking to him about the ow, she's not important and neither is what he wants now.
Tell the kids what he did - as adults they have a right to know, and now, before he puts his side across. Then focus on getting a fabulous new life!

Ah Kit19 I was just going to search this for OP!
OP please read 'the script' Kit posted a link to.

we had such a good life
But he wanted something more, he felt entitled to secretly indulge himself with an extra treat, wasn't satisfied by being an equal partner in this good setup, he had to go one better and get an extra slice of the pie just for him.

When he says he's in love with her I think that's more like what is known as limerence, he has a kind of addiction to her

Marriage is hard work and needs work

It needn't be. Sometimes compromises have to be made, but if it feels like hard work then you are with the wrong person. IMO children are hard work.

Filly2011 your husband sounds extremely manipulative. He is now throwing his toys out of the pram because he isn't getting his own way. Focus on what makes you happy now.

Oh, Fillly, I have read through your posts with growing horror.

What a selfish manipulative git he is. And I don’t agree with the counsellor. I think he told you in order to have someone to take it out in and blame. And if he had chosen to return to his marriage with commitment he would allow you your reactions to his lengthy sustained betrayal, and you shouldn’t have to surpress your hurt. It’s nonsense anyway. He’d still be revelling in the affair if she hadn’t dumped him.

There is nothing scary about being independent (independent, not ‘alone’) in your 60s. Though it is understandable that it seems so.

It is a normal and usual thing to do to have a few driving lessons to refresh your skills and boost your confidence. Or go and practice parking in a deserted supermarket car park. You can do it!

Get a Senior Railcard. You can get incredible deals if you book in advance, for all sorts of places.

You are a capable woman with a career and a proper pension.

He is a whining loser.

Lose him.

An affair is never the answer. But if someone accuses you of being Cold I'd be looking at that. My ex dh was cold and it is another reason we split

NO NO NO NO FUCKING NO. There is always the case whereby the cheater plays this gaslighting "it was all your fault" card, please do not listen to this shit advice, you don't "need" to look at anything about what he's said about you, op.