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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 15/02/2020 09:27

This is very hard for you .After 14 months of seeing someone else he "cant get over it"! Is the OW much younger ? Maybe he saw himself with a "trophy " wife! its very easy for all of us here to tell you to LTB ,but at that age its very difficult.I am in my 50s as well . You need to talk to him and explain this is not fair on you .Can you maybe book a few days away or a holiday if you feel able to .Do you have RL friends to confide in (him as well).You both need to try and look to the future ,and have some common goals to share .It may be worth speaking to a lawyer to see where you stand if you decide to divorce ,It wont be easy but many people have done it !

ChristmasFluff · 15/02/2020 09:29

The counsellor sounds rubbish.

Head on over to chumplady.com for some more support like on this thread. She talks about the cheaters very scathingly as 'timid florest creatures' that the reconciliation industry says chumps are meant to treat with kid gloves so as not to scare them away.

when actually they are entitled shits who think they should get away with routine betrayal and disrespect, and don't you DARE call them out on it!

If he was seriously committed to this marriage, he wouldn't be complaining that you (who took him back, despite being the plan B) are taking time to get over having a complete shit of a husband.

Starting again might seem scary. But not as scary as being with a man like this, who could do the same again, any time, because he is not genuinely remorseful at all, whatever words come out of his lying mouth

DBML · 15/02/2020 09:29

The therapist says I have to be patient and wait for OW to fade from DH mind.

Translates to - you need to keep having therapy so I can get paid.

Are they actually a qualified therapist? They sound shocking. It sounds like it’s therapy for your husband and you’re just there to support him.

Why are you so unimportant in all of this?

Longwhiskers14 · 15/02/2020 09:30

The therapist says I have to be patient and wait for OW to fade from DH mind. He can’t just switch his affections apparently but he's ‘chosen me’ as he’s committed to counselling and the marriage.

You need a new therapist! That is terrible advice. I don't want to sound cruel, but your DH hasn't chosen you. The OW dumped him and he's staying put because he has no alternative now.

jellybean85 · 15/02/2020 09:31

OMG ditch him hes deadweight! And how dare he treat you like this.

My mother was unceremoniously dumped at 66 when father found other woman. She's doing amazing now and has pursued her own interests. She has a great social life and a gorgeous little flat that requires virtually no upkeep. You can do this

Please have the strength to walk away Grin

Fedupofdoingit · 15/02/2020 09:32

Sorry if I missed it, but does OW’s husband know about the affair? If not I’d make damn sure he finds out what a lying cheating scumbag she is! Are you scared that if he finds out he will kick her out and she will get back together with your husband? Don’t be, they deserve each other! Plus she has made it clear that her husband comes before yours and if they did get together it probably wouldn’t be long until they both start resenting each other.

It will be difficult but you need to tell your children about how badly their df has acted and put him out of your life. The older you get the harder it will be, and the more bitter you will become, as this will just eat you up.

BlimeyCalmDown · 15/02/2020 09:34

There is no happiness ahead for you with this man, time to be brave and start exploring your new found freedom. Life has got to be better than being someone's 2nd best. He broke this, not you but it can't be undone.
Flowers you are worth more than this.

wonkytonkwoman · 15/02/2020 09:36

OP I've on MN for a long time but your husband is the worst case of self-absorption that I've read seen, here or in RL actually.

BTW I'm 60 and single. Don't underestimate the possibilities which lie ahead for you if you take that step toward caring for yourself.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2020 09:38

I’m older than you, OP, and I’d kick him out in a heartbeat. The only thing I’d be pissed off about would be losing half the marital assets. You could easily have another 20 odd years to have a satisfying life without him. You could move 100 miles to be close to your friends, you can have good times without being married. The future is probably much better without him.

Lweji · 15/02/2020 09:42

Why did you even stay with him then when you're clearly second best?

Be glad he said it all. At least you can make an informed decision.
It would be worse if he lied and gaslighted you.
More fool you if you still stay, sorry.

allthesharks · 15/02/2020 09:42

For now, until you feel more able to make things more formal, I think in your mind you need to think of yourself as single. Don't make him a factor. Don't contact him, don't consider him. Of course you will think about him, and all of the pain he has caused you, but try to focus on you. You have your home, your job, your friends. Find strength in all of that. Once you feel stronger you will feel more able to discuss the house, money and divorce with him. But for now, focus solely on you.

My marriage ended after 12 years when he cheated. So no where near as long as your marriage. But I desperately didn't want it to end. Even though I hated him and everything he had done and didn't even like or love him anymore, I just didn't want my normality to change. I'm younger than you, but I had two small children and I didn't see how I could start all over again. I was too tired and worn down that I didn't want to. Staying with him just seemed easier. So I can understand how you feel, and you must feel it more acutely after so many more years together. But he isn't the person you married. That man doesn't exist anymore. It's better to be alone and value yourself than to be with someone who doesn't value or respect you at all.

Just take small steps. Focus on you.

Craftycorvid · 15/02/2020 09:42

Taken at face value, that’s not a helpful intervention from the therapist. People come to relationship (and individual) therapy for lots of complex reasons, but being ‘committed’ may not be one if them. It also puts all the onus on you to ‘be the change’. You are not obliged to be patient, OP.

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 09:43

I would stop seeing that therapists because she's not working for you she's working for him, choose another therapist just for you, go there on your own to help you move forward with your own life.
Leave him to rot in his rented flat.

Singlenotsingle · 15/02/2020 09:46

Look on it as an opportunity, OP. As they say, when one door closes, another opens. Shake the dust from your feet, and get out there. Life is short and you need to enjoy it, not mope around hoping that no good piece of shit comes back. You deserve better.

NumbersStation · 15/02/2020 09:48

Darling OP, from experience (sadly) you will be lonelier staying than you will be on your own.

Being down the list of his priorities will only serve to crush you. It is all about his pain not yours. And to blame you for his pain is a farkin liberty. (Channelling gobby Nan)

I have no doubt it will be daunting but you cannot think about him now. It is time for you to think about you.

For what it is worth, it really is better knowing - although I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

There isn’t a rush to do anything if he is living elsewhere but you do need to think about sorting out your ducks into nice rows.

You deserve to be the centre of someone’s world - not a whipping boy for someone who blames you for his shortcomings and the fact that he HAD to choose you... because the OW chose not to have him.

wishing you well x

Original poster
Filly2011 · 15/02/2020 09:49

OW is late 50s. She doesn’t seem more attractive than me except in the kind and sympathetic department. Apparently she wanted to break up with dh but stay friends as they were always such good friends before the affair. She wanted to carry on getting projects from him as his company was her main source of income.
Her dh knows but seems not to care - publicly at least.
My dh says she’s just a really nice person who couldn’t help falling in love and is in unhappy marriage.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 15/02/2020 09:53

My god, don't you think you deserve more than this?

SisterAgathaVanHelsing · 15/02/2020 09:56

Better to make a break now than at 70, OP.

Shouldbedoing · 15/02/2020 09:56

Grrrr. I'd like to kick him in the cock on your behalf. I'd boot her up the backside too.
Pair of arrogant, deceitful idiots. And I'm not an aggressive person.

NumbersStation · 15/02/2020 09:56

And as others said, that therapist is all for him. And they are speaking shite. This is all about what he has done to you and how he can make it up to you. Not for you to soothe his shattered ego and disinfect his crown jewels with sympathy. Pah!

NumbersStation · 15/02/2020 09:57

Her marriage is not that unhappy if she chose her husband.....

YOU DESERVE MORE!!! Flowers

BaolFan · 15/02/2020 09:59

My dh says she’s just a really nice person who couldn’t help falling in love and is in unhappy marriage.

Well she didn't love him that much because she dumped him!

She doesn’t seem more attractive than me except in the kind and sympathetic department.

She can't be that kind - she was willing to go and fuck a married man and cheat on her own husband.

Apparently she wanted to break up with dh but stay friends as they were always such good friends before the affair. She wanted to carry on getting projects from him as his company was her main source of income.

This - genuinely - is the root of why she wants to be friends with him. I don't think she gives a crap about your H, but she DOES care about her income being compromised.

She wasn't in love with him - she saw a way of getting a nice ego boost and then when your H turned serious she scarpered. Your H knows this and is now re-writing history because he can't face the truth - which is that he's thrown away his marriage for a woman who wasn't that into him.

See a solicitor, get some good legal advice about your financial position and pensions, and then file for divorce. You are worried about being alone? Darling you are ALREADY on your own - he checked out when he started shagging the OW. You can be lonely in a marriage and it sounds as if you are.

He's too wrapped up in his own misery and selfishness to care about the impact to you, which tells you that this marriage is dead in the water. God willing you've got another 25 years in front of you so make them count.

gettingfedupagain · 15/02/2020 10:00

This wasn't his first affair. He didn't believe you were actually at work 12 years ago- people judge others by their own standards!

Spend time with other women - it's very healing. And find your rage!!! You have every right to be angry with this pathetic excuse of a husband!

Does he seriously think it was significant relationship after 14months? Does he not remember how loved you he presumably was with you after 14 months? That's the honey moon period. What an idiot

MashedPotatoBrainz · 15/02/2020 10:00

He's done a right number on you hasn't he. He told you about the affair so that she'd leave her husband and they could sail off into the sunset together. Except it back fired as she dumped him. So now he's taking his anger and frustration out on you. He doesn't want to hear your pain because he never had any intention of being there when you experienced it. He didn't tell you in order to fix your marriage, he told you to trigger his 'happily ever after'.

Your marriage is over. The question now is how long are you prepared to endure this limbo state and all his self pity.

Bluerussian · 15/02/2020 10:03

Op, is there any way you and husband can live in the house as 'housemates'; each have own sitting room, bedroom, bathroom, just meet in the kitchen and catch up.

That might not be a bad idea for a shortish while as long as neither of you tried to be wife/husband. You would be friends.

It's just a thought. I know everyone else is telling you to LTB or get him to leave and quite honestly, I think so too but I do not believe this will happen so suggesting a half way.