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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've Ended a relationship nicely and received sarcasm and insults

158 replies

mummytippy · 14/02/2020 10:23

I've been dating a guy about 4 months and through us both having complicated matters involving our own children (him more so than me), it would have been near impossible to become a 'blended family'. About 3 weeks ago I found out that his ex partner had dependency issues on painkillers and this was impacting on the safety and well being of his ds who is 9. I diplomatically told him he needed to focus on this matter and put his ds first... not me or our relationship... I slowed things right down and said best we remain friends. He seemed fine with this and assured me he was doing what he needed to do re: the safety and care of his ds... he agreed neither of us had time at the moment for a relationship, but reminded me he'd booked a table for tonight 'V Day'. I replied let's see nearer the time. Anyway yesterday, I messaged him politely and said along lines of 'Sorry I don't think tomorrow night would be a good idea as we decided to be friends and that I hope he gets things sorted once and for all with his ds'. We also have 2 concerts booked and he bought me a spa break as a Christmas gift which includes an over night stay. It's currently a code to be used to book online. I included in my message that as friends I'd still really like to go to the concerts together and said keep in touch. I didn't mention the Spa break at all. The reply I got left me absolutely gob smacked. He said 'friends???' and then asked if only friends could we be FWB in order that that would let him down gently... that he was right the first time? His side (with his ds) under control... hope I sort my situ with my ds'. My situ is that my ds's dad doesn't not keep in contact and it's when it suits him. There are no safety concerns. I was so taken aback, I replied 'That's not friends... how can you even ask that?' and late last night he replied with 'Well it's your best asset... life is too serious ffs... let's have fun... when are we booking the Spa break?' I am absolutely lost for words and have not replied as yet. One of the concerts booked is my fave band and sold out in minutes. He got the tickets and I paid him at the time (£85) a lot of money to me!!! Tickets are as usual on the re-seller sites and are selling for approx. £200.00 now. I was happy to go with him initially but not now he has been so disrespectful and insulting to me! All I've tried to do is support him with his ds's situ but when it started impacting on my ds and me I've had to end things. This was done very diplomatically over a period of time not just on a whim and he knows this or at least I thought he did. Any ideas please on how to deal with this guy?

OP posts:
Patroclus · 14/02/2020 11:48

That 'best asset' stuff sounds like Men's Rights jargon to me, so you've probably had a lucky escape.

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 11:49

@DiscountedModelHusband

I was clear weeks ago about why I was making my decision and he agreed neither of us had time for a relationship. I was clear on my reasons... one thing I said was that I was doing it because I was worried his ds would become further attached to me and my ds... where his own mother should be getting professional support for her addiction so she can spend more time with him. I can assure you I didn't like saying that, and the situation is not good... despite me being clear he was being far too relaxed about serious issues that needed addressing.

You might think I'm being unfair on the guy, but he is an adult who imo was burying his head - a lot - my ds is not a child and he comes first.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 11:59

@RainbowDash101

Yes, I think that's the road I want to go down but I think he's going to use the ticket and now he's brought up the Spa break I think he wants a battle :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:00

@RainbowDash101

I mean ask for my ticket at the very least... I think if I ask if I can buy his for a friend he won't have that!

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/02/2020 12:03

again, you're making decisions on his behalf, because of how you think he should be parenting.

your intentions are good - no-one is questioning that.
but he is the parent of his DS - not you.
he should have some say in decisions that affect him and his DS.

if he is sticking his head in the sand, it's still not your place to make the decisions for him. it's your place to talk to him about it until he makes the decision himself, or until it's clear you need to make a decision for your own benefit (or that of your DS).

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:04

@EverybodyShowLove2020

Thanks for letting me know about Twickets… I've not heard of this site.
I think your comment is very honest and I'm just going to have to at the very least accept my money back for my ticket (at face value).

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/02/2020 12:06

and if you make the decision for your own/your DS's benefit, be open and honest about that. don't paint it as doing your DP a favour - that is quite condescending (even if it's meant well)

michaelbaubles · 14/02/2020 12:08

it very much sounds like this is something you decided unilaterally, without any input from him.

Yeah, you're allowed to do that, you know.

SunshineCake · 14/02/2020 12:09

Just cease all contact. You can't complain he wants to use you for sex if you want to use him to go to a concert.

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:12

@DistcountedModelHusband

I have made no decisions on his behalf apart from ending the relationship tactfully.

I did not contact Children's services which I could have. That was definitely something he did not want and I respected that.

So with regards to my question about tickets and the Spa break what are your thoughts on those please?

This guy was not clear with me back in October when I started seeing him about the situ with his ds, so I did what I felt I needed to do upon finding out. Putting my own family first.

He was happy for his ds to 'bunk up' on my sofa and then at his grandparents and then at his house. It was like musical beds for this child. Then getting dropped off at his mothers house... where she was so 'out of it' didn't come to the door... and his just carrying on regardless!!!

OP posts:
Cheeseontoast4 · 14/02/2020 12:12

I think you’d be better off just letting it go and losing the ticket for the band ! use the tickets you’ve got and the spa voucher ... or post it back to him ... he’s told you what he thinks of you - lucky escape for you x

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:13

@michaelbaubles

Thank you :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:13

@SunshineCake

I have paid for the tickets!... I'm not using anyone?!

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 14/02/2020 12:14

Dear god, just block him and move on.

Don't give him an second thought and put the concerts out of your head too.

You don't have tickets for the concert and unfortunately, you're not going. It's annoying but you just have to cut your losses and stop interacting with this vile man.

No band is worth demeaning yourself by continuing to interact with someone with someone who's been so insulting to you.

stayingontherail · 14/02/2020 12:17

I agree with @Notcoolmum - have it in your head that you are not going to get the ticket and that the £85 was actually spent on the spa break - go and enjoy it with your friend. You can of course ask for the ticket, but don’t count on getting it. In my view £85 is a low price to pay for seeing someone’s true colours.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 14/02/2020 12:19

Yeah, you're allowed to do that you know.

completely agree.
"i don't think this relationship is really working for me, and i'm concerned about the impact it's having on my DS" - this is a perfectly reasonable and understandable decision, and is honest.

"i don't think this relationship is really ideal for your DS, and i think we should take some time so you can concentrate on him" - while an admirable sentiment, i'd hear that as "i don't think you're making good parenting decisions about your own DS, so I'm going to make them for you".

as for the tickets -
make use of what you have in your possession, if you can with friends.
if you can't, try and sell or just accept the loss.
and for those that your exDP has, just accept the loss there.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/02/2020 12:24

It's cost you £85 to find out that this guy is a misogynistic twat. Total bargain.

Write the concert off, go on the spa break with your friend, go to the July concert.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2020 12:33

my ds is not a child and he comes first thought your son was 13? Why would you worry about his son getting attached to yours when they didn't even get on?

Anyway you've made the right decision.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 14/02/2020 12:34

If you can stomach it I'd try and butter him up slightly in order to try and get your ticket. I'd send him the voucher for the spa break back and say you feel bad about hurting him it and couldn't use it yourself now and don't want him to think you're using him. And I'd ask for the ticket you paid for and hope you could see him there etc You don't have to mean any of it but if you can get your ticket you want then. Maybe.

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:36

@pinkyredrose

It was a typing mistake - I should have said my son is a child and left 'not' out.

His ds liked my ds, my ds did not like his ds... it was the age difference... a 9 yo and a 13 yo

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 12:46

@DiscontinuedModelHusband

I was very clear and tactful. He is obviously upset.
I was very balanced in my reasons... saying, I've been through enough with my own ds, I didn't want to upset my ds in seeing me focusing on guy and his young child over him while his own dad not paying him any attention. He also had blown up about a family meal (which I had not arranged) because he and his son were not invited... please there is more to this... but thank you for your comments regarding the tickets

OP posts:
SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 14/02/2020 12:47

I think you've had good advice here.

The tickets you have - go with someone else. The ones you haven't got - well you can't do anything about that, it's just one of those things.

The spa break was a Christmas gift to you so you should use it. Take someone else. Or sell it (I'd buy it!)

Then block him.

dottiedodah · 14/02/2020 12:49

I think you have done the right thing here TBH! The whole situation with his ex and the drugs thing could get very messy indeed ,and it would not be fair to your DS to drag him into something like this .TBH I would just block him and write off the tickets /spa break too .He will continue ro hassle you otherwise and its just not worth it.

Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 13:21

Thank you for your comments :-)

Isn't it funny that the concert I want to attend is the one he has the tickets to :-(

I've open the message properly now and he's basically said...

'No benefits? That's your best asset... just having a bit of fun...
life's serious enough... ffs course, friends.. whatever.. when we booking the spa get away xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
mummytippy · 14/02/2020 13:25

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches

I see what you're saying... try and do a bit of a trade...
I'm wondering if I could sell the spa break then buy resale tickets for the concert I really want to attend with the proceeds instead as I really don't want to have to be in touch with him again at all.

OP posts: