Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

Sorry OP but you are being very hard work. Everyone is spelling out clearly that something isn't right but you are determined not to see it, so why bother. Just carry on as you are and you'll keep having niggling doubts. I wouldn't want to live like that.

@Pollypocket89 what I mean that everything is pointing on them having a serious fling even if he won't admit it to himself. I think you are in denial on all the evidence. I hope you work it out.

OP you desperately don't want to believe it and I understand why, but your DH is certainly having an affair with this woman and taking you for a total mug

...they were talking about her being unhappy...

If his story is true, she is confiding her problems and he is white knighting, taking the rescuer role. That is indicative of emotional closeness. Under the circumstances, he should be keeping a personal and professional distance, not having cozy alone time in a secluded darkened room. Their presence there was blatantly inappropriate on many levels.

They are having an emotional or physical affair. He called you to cover himself when they were seen. He knew you would believe him if he sounded really annoyed. I’m sorry, but he is taking you for a fool.

No one goes into a quiet dark room together especially at work
His colleagues spend more time with him than you do, they are seeing them together daily and have actually quietly warned him twice about his relationship with her
If you didn’t have a niggle of doubt you wouldn’t be here tonight asking

I’m sorry but there is something going on, he’s very cleverly deflecting
Why are you not seeing this? You can’t be that gullible and naive surely?

As a minimum he is behaving wholly unprofessionally and has a massive crush on her.

I’d say highly likely it is more.

‘Talking’ in a darkened room. ‘Watching’ bikini videos. Give me a break.

Wake up op.

He doesn't even respect you enough to be discrete. He's cheating on you. FFS OP either turn a blind eye to it and ignore his cheating or DTMFA.

I don't understand why this thread is making you more determined to imagine he's not massively crossing the line. I think it's a matter of time before you realise he's pushed it so far that you've got no self-worth left. I wish you luck, OP, I really do.

Thanks again for the replies. I think my main thing is if I had a male friend and we really were just comfortable with each other etc, I'd hate him saying what I could and couldn't do

He's been away for the day with work and I've just looked over his shoulder at him sitting in the kitchen on his phone and she's posted 7 video /pictures today and he's just looked at them all then flicked onto the next person. If it's a boredom issue then I think if gives the wrong impression. I think if another man was looking at all my things then I'd think they liked me

I think my main thing is if I had a male friend and we really were just comfortable with each other etc, I'd hate him saying what I could and couldn't do.

That may be true, after all, nobody wants their S.O. telling them what to do. BUT.. IF your friendship made him as uneasy as it makes you, wouldn't YOU have the decency to withdraw & respect his feelings? At the very least you love him and wouldn't want to hurt him.

I wouldn't even want to give ANY other man the slightest impression I was interested and I've BEEN in a situation where I've had to tell a guy MULTIPLE times I was engaged (at the time, now married) and to stop behaving inappropriately. When he continued, I just blocked him out.

The point I'm making here is, when someone in your life is important to you, there are NO exceptions. You make THEM a priority and wouldn't want them feeling neglected or disrespected.
I get they are "Friends" but to be completely honest.. I really wouldn't give two shits what she's "going through". Some people have CONSTANT drama. I'm sure there's other people she can moan to.

From what he's said there's no drama with her, just that she's not happy there and they were talking about that. He's the only one their she trusts

I HAVE to be honest here. The phone calls bitching about "work warnings" TO ME.. are nothing but damage control. Acting pissed to throw you off. I know a lot of people have already said & I agree. But look.. I don't know him, only you know him.. who knows maybe I'm wrong. And I GENUINELY do hope I am wrong🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙏🏻.

He's the only one their she trusts
isn't he great?
You are fooling yourself OP.
Anything short of removing all contact with this woman is not being committed to you let alone love you.
He's putting his job at risk for her.
He's not distanced himself from her even though he knows it hurts you.
You shouldn't have to ask.
His behaviour is so disrespectful of you it's almost unbelievable that you don't see it.

If you had no doubts whatsoever, and thought this was just a nice little friendship.

Not a chance you would be asking on here. Not a chance you would keep coming back. And not a chance you would keep asking people to explain exactly what they mean

Because if this was nothing, you wouldn't even bat an eyelid.

Now either he's controlling you and you are too worried to confront him or even just express how it's making you feel, due to how he may react ( alarm bells, sirens and big BIG fireworks). Or you are really deluded

Who OP I feel bad for you.... completely in denial. You need professional help from a counsellor.

This thread is honestly ridiculous. OP please get help. You are going to ruin your own chance at a happy life through refusing to take control of your own boundaries.

I really don't believe that a physical affair is possible as he is always at home or work.

I worked for a local authority many moons ago when I was in my 20s. Huge building, lots of staff. It was a real eye-opener. So many people were having affairs - in work hours. Long lunches, flexitime = there's time to go off anywhere.

Sorry to be cynical OP but you're quite naive in the face of your H's obvious damage control and blatant mentionitis. Don't put up with it let him know you're not silly and you deserve far better than his disrespect to you via mentioning her etc.

Wow I feel so frustrated reading this. OP it is blatantly obvious he is having some kind of affair physical or not. Does he need to sleep with this woman right in front of you before you realise what's going on.

In early December you wrote that you found his daily viewing of her in her revealing underwear “really inappropriate.”

As the story progressed, we learned that he dismissed your discomfort, was twice spoken to by management, refused to distance himself, was still being playful with her, and was seen exiting a dark, secluded room with her.

Although posters have been appalled by his blatant boundary crossing, you have increasingly minimized his behavior, which is mind-boggling. This is not just a ‘comfortable’ friendship. This is infidelity. I truly hope you will soon remove the blinders.

@MsDogLady 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 enough said.

You’re making this very easy for him.

I don’t get the feeling you will leave him or will ever believe he has been having an affair, so this all seems pointless. It seems as though you blindly trust the reassurances he gives you, and you seem to have no concept that people we love sometimes lie and deceive us.

It makes for very sad reading and I hope you seek help from a counsellor who can maybe help explore why you’re being so passive and trusting, when the signs are so clear that he’s lying to you.

Well carry on believing nothing is going on then OP.

Sorry but my initial reaction has changed now having seen the latest update. Don't be naive here, keep a VERY close eye because something IS happening here, and he is lapping it up I'm afraid

My EX husband's affair started like this. He was a 'good friend' to the OW at work, she 'confided' in him, she 'was having a rough time' (although it was a she disguised as a he actually). He'd come home a little late but not late enough to not be able to blame on traffic or having to finish something off.

Turns out they were meeting in a lay by close to work (classy) and when he was 'on an important work call' at home, it was her. I also found out that some of his colleagues knew...people who we had spent time with as a family, so that was another kick to the teeth.

Anyway, he is now my ex and I will always trust my instinct in the future.

His behaviour is terrible, she is in his thoughts continually, it's all wrong.

I would go ballistic. He would be put in no doubt whatsoever how I felt and what I expected him to do about it. My marriage would be firmly on the line.