Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

OP please look up what bring disrespectful is.

*being

This is such a depressing read OP. You need to find your self-worth fast and stop trying to validate your thoughts and opinions through others. It doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks about his actions as they don’t impact us. What matters is how his actions make YOU feel and the impact it is having on your relationship.

If? If you weren’t bothered you wouldn’t start all these threads, wouldn’t talk about it with your friends, wouldn’t notice he’s watching her stories continuously.

I think you’ve got so used to him treating you like a mug you’ve started thinking you are one.

Hi OP,
I think your dh is maintaining his actions as he himself believes he has done nothing wrong. Some people irrespective of their feelings or fantasies about someone in real life think that by only physically doing something ie kissing or sex is actually having an affair or doing something wrong. As your dh probably hasn’t done this, in his mind his behaviours are not inappropriate. He’s therefore continuing them.
I think the tongue pulling is important. It’s childish playful behaviour which could equate to a ‘flirting’ relationship between them.

I think your instincts are screaming something at you and I think there is likely to be more to this than you are being led to believe.

Proving anything is difficult as in his view ‘nothing has happenned’ and as you can’t prove what’s going on in his head or heart it’s tricky.
Rather than impose restrictions on him ie, delete her from sm or change jobs.... I’d calmly explain to him how this is making you feel and I would substantiate your feelings by explaining that other people at work have noticed too ( it’s not just you being weird) You appreciate him not caring what colleagues think enough to change his level of contact with this ow but you are not another colleague. You are his wife. Ask him to suggest how he can reassure you moving forward. Telling you not to be silly is not acceptable.
I’d be asking how important this ow is in his life to remain as a constant past time, compared to the effect it’s having on your marriage.

This is such a sad, sad thread.

Is your husband still obsessively checking this colleague’s daily social media stories where she models her lingerie in near-naked photos? I recall that when you expressed your concern, he dismissed your feelings and refused to stop.

He doesn't care enough to stop, wether it be an affair or flirting or whatever. No matter how many times you post on here looking for an "excuse" for his behaviour. There really isn't any.

He doesn't care how his behaviour makes you feel. :(

Op, please read @ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule ‘s post again. A lot of sense there.

A good partner should never make you doubt yourself.

I'm sorry, I haven't had chance to read all the posts yet but I had to get this off my chest somewhere

I'm so annoyed. He's just called me from work ranting that he's been spoken to again. The first time was about 4 months ago. Much more casually this time in a is that wise way but still. He apparently had been speaking to her privately and although the door was open where they were speaking, the light was off and they were seen exiting and someone has mentioned it

I had no response other than wtf. Why would you do that. I do believe they were just talking rather than anything else but why would you go anywhere remotely private?! I've called him an idiot and hung up

FFS... if he cared for your feelings AT ALL he'd distance himself and stop this BS. It's only a question now OP but ... WHY are you so positive nothing was going on?

she's just first on the list as she seems to post a lot.

Stories are listed by who you interact with most. He watches her stories a lot so she’s first.

But that’s irrelevant. He was in a dark room with her by himself. He’s been warned at work that it’s damaging his career.

It’s damaging his marriage too; he just doesn’t care.

Okay.
ImAs many have said already, there’s rarely smoke without fire. If there’s enough apparently happening at work that management has spoken to him twice now about his behaviour with this woman (most managers would shrug off simple office gossip), then it’s past the professional boundary into personal. To have had another chat about that this morning means they haven’t toned it down, ergo they don’t actually give a fig.
The tongue thing so mocked, actually says to me “in joke”, or “our little secret”. Not quite as conspicuous as a wink! But DH and I might do this if a small innuendo has been made in conversation, you know?
It sounds very much like him telling you, is damage control. Should things get more suspicious (and red flags are fluttering way up high already), he wants to be able to turn around and say either people have it out for him/them, or they were pushed together.

There's no where private private there and I do believe it's nothing physical at least. He also wouldn't ring me genuinely annoyed to rant about it. I think pp are right that in his head he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because it's not physical

Just based in pure logic, you don't need to stay away from her but to have a private conversation in a room with no light on?!

Just based in pure logic, you don't need to stay away from her but to have a private conversation in a room with no light on?!

Exactly. There’s gossip about us, management have gotten involved. Let’s not add fuel to the fire here.

Exactly.

He phoned me back and said it was thoughtless and they were talking about her being unhappy and a room out of view seemed a better idea than in view of people walking past

Absolute BS

Go for a coffee in a public place to talk. No need to go in a room with light off

He's only calling to tell you, because he's been seen and he's worried you'll leave him.

Honestly OP you need to get a back bone here

He needs to do less taking about HER unhappiness and more about yours💐💐💐

He's gaslighting you into thinking that being upset at his behaviour is unreasonable. He's the one being unreasonable. Because you, his work colleagues and his bosses have asked him to modify his behaviour and he won't.
Here's a comparison. My DH loves prawn sandwiches. Prawns make me heave. So he doesn't eat them around me, even though you could say that is my problem not his. It's not a big thing. But if he was deliberately eating a prawn sandwich in my face as it were, then that would make him a prick. Your DH is perving over his prawn sandwich any chance he gets. Your DH is a prick.

I'm sorry OP but yet again he's getting in there first to put across his innocent explanation. If they hadn't been seen exiting a secluded room, I bet he wouldn't have told you. You are ignoring your feelings and your instincts when they're there to protect you from being hurt.

So he knows all this bothers you yet he still calls to tell you this. Why? If he didn't mention it you would never have known. He is hiding in plain sight.

I know I might sound stupid but i really don't think so. He's not calculating and he genuinely is annoyed. He does love me and would never be so cruel to ring me and rub it in my face

I really am beginning to come round to pp idea that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because it's not physical

@Pollypocket89 I'm sorry girl but you are in a denial phase. It might be that he is too but this is more serious than you both think. I leave it up to you to get on with the next stage and find a way to sort it out.

Polly, he is cruel to repeatedly dismiss your feelings, obsessively check out OW in her underwear, and respond with just a pause to your question about what he’d do if she developed feelings for him.

When it comes to OW, he is determined to throw caution to the wind and cross boundaries. I agree with others that he was racing to put his spin on it (again) after being rumbled at work, as he was concerned that someone there would tell you.

This latest episode indicates that they are emotionally close. If what he said is true, they slipped into a dark room to play White Knight/Damsel. That dynamic can be intoxicating, and is a slippery slope that can lead to emotional affair territory. I believe that they are already there, at the very least, and you are underreacting while it plays out in front of you.

If my husband was behaving this way, I would quickly find my agency and anger. I would tell him to leave while I considered my options.

@Viletta It might be that he is too but this is more serious than you both think

What do you mean? Not being dense but can you elaborate

@MsDogLady This latest episode indicates that they are emotionally close.

How so? Again, not being deliberately dense I just want you to elaborate if you can to get it clear in my head

??????

No human being goes into a dark, private room with someone that they are not emotionally close to... can you think of an example that would contradict that?