Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gossip might be clouding me

303 replies

Pollypocket89 · 12/02/2020 19:12

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Booboooo · 07/03/2020 21:57

Hes obsessed with her. Get rid

carlywurly · 07/03/2020 22:15

I had similar with xh. Note the xh.
He was very senior, they were work friends, he mentioned her a lot, he was amused that people thought they were having an affair.

Turned out they were. Laughing off the "rumours" gave them a screen to practically date in plain sight.

They're married now. I'm fine these days but it was awful at the time. I wish I'd challenged it head on. If it makes you uncomfortable it's not on. Don't ever worry about looking paranoid, your senses are on alert for a reason.

I hope your ending is different from mine.

rvby · 07/03/2020 22:20

You seem unable to say how YOU feel about his behavior. It's all about how he feels, what your friend thinks, what we think...

Who cares about all that? YOU feel shit and dont trust him. Do you think it's a good idea to stay in a situation that has driven you to seek advice from internet randoms? Be honest with yourself.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/03/2020 22:20

I don't know why I'm focusing on this but maybe telling a real life friend solidified it for me... Im thinking if I was the woman and someone watched everything I did that they were interested? Would you?

OP posts:
rvby · 07/03/2020 22:45

How do YOU FEEL?

What is YOUR opinion of his behaviour? Do you like it? Do you want to be with someone who is like this, who does this kind of thing?

Do you exist, or are you just a collection of other people's opinions?? Surely you have an idea of whether how this guy acts is ok with you?

lifegoes · 07/03/2020 22:47

OP. I say this with heart, but please understand your self worth.

You are asking me to explain why I wouldn't like something. It's quite simple he's being disrespectful to you. These rumours are going around and he's sat watching her pictures and videos.

On your original post I was about 60% certain he's either having an affair with her or wants one. Now I'm 100%.

So please ask yourself why are you putting up with this.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 22:57

OP I think the tongue thing is weird for a man who's normally very professional with his colleagues and generally mature.
It's like he's letting his guard down for her.

Tell him you saw him watch the videos and his behaviour has made you start to doubt the truth, and if he really does prioritise your marriage over his friendship he needs to stop whatever is going on with her. He needs to stop messaging, flirting, following her on Instagram, whatever. It's disrespectful to you and it's making you look like a mug for trusting him.

MsDogLady · 08/03/2020 05:00

I can understand why you are struggling. Something is very wrong here.

You told your husband that you are upset with the situation with this woman. He then proceeds to watch 7 of her videos/photos in a row while at home with you and the baby. He is massively disrespecting you and devaluing your marriage.

He is emotionally over-invested in this woman, but he is not going to admit it. He will continue to prioritize her, dismiss your discomfort, and damage your marriage. You do not have to live with this anxiety and uncertainty. You can make decisions based on your feelings and your boundaries.

Weenurse · 08/03/2020 05:59

My DH was accused of having an affair with a co worker who eas also married.
Person spreading the rumour was the one having an affair and was trying to deflect attention from themselves.
DH was definitely not having an affair.
I ended up joining them for their regular Friday lunch, at DH suggestion, to show a united front with DH and co worker.
We ended up so close as families, that she is DD2 godparent.
Having said that, your DH is stalking her on SM and needs to be told to stop as it is wrong.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/03/2020 07:20

I think he might just look at all videos that come across the top, but my friend was saying that looks like encouraging the woman if she does have feelings for him and wouldn't look good if things ever went wrong at work

They aren't friends on Facebook but I never took that to mean anything

OP posts:
probablysue · 08/03/2020 07:26

He’s interested in her. He’s looking at her social media. Something doesn’t feel right here.

Bluewater1 · 08/03/2020 07:33

I think the tongue thing is overly familiar too.... especially as he is her senior at work. I would speak to him again and tell him your concerns

ThatsWotSheSaid · 08/03/2020 07:42

He knows his overfamiliar interactions are causing difficulties for him at work and it’s upsetting you but he is making no attempt to modify his behaviour.
This feels like the lead up to something. He needs to nip this in the bud. Most people don’t plan affairs but if you don’t put boundaries in place things can happen.

LJenn · 08/03/2020 09:15

Exactly what @ThatsWotSheSaid 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/03/2020 09:26

@probablysue I do think he looks at everyone he follows but she's just first on the list as she seems to post a lot. I don't know how the order is chosen though

I do wonder what impression he is giving her doing that

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/03/2020 09:27

I think I just can't get my head around him not just staying away from her after people talking about them unless he just doesn't care

OP posts:
SeriouslyRetro · 08/03/2020 09:38

Have you asked him to delete her? How did he respond?

lifegoes · 08/03/2020 09:39

ok OP. You know this is wrong. You know what he's doing is wrong.

That's why you asked the question on here, your gut told you it isn't right.

Numerous of people on here have told you

Your friend told you.

How many different ways can we all say it. Until you listen. WHAT HES DOING IS WRONG!!!!

SeriouslyRetro · 08/03/2020 09:41

I think I’d go hard on him now. He’s office gossip and now everyone knows. Him following her and behaving inappropriately is making a mug out of you.
Ask him, ‘do you not care that you’re publicly humiliating me? You need to stop telling me it’s nothing, and start behaving like it’s nothing. I’m your wife. What would he think if the roles were reversed? If you had a little in joke poking your tongue out to a fit male colleague you’re so close with a senior colleague had to tell you to wind it in?? If you were showing him pictures of yourself in skimpy clothes, noticing he watched everything?’

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/03/2020 09:42

I think what I'm struggling with is that if it is just what I know - that they get on, that there's been gossip about them and that he looks at her social media, IS it wrong? That's what I'm unsure of

OP posts:
SeriouslyRetro · 08/03/2020 09:44

It’s wrong because you’re uncomfortable.

In the top trumps of life, your spouse should be pretty much top in most categories.

The behaviour he’s displaying now is saying he’s not fussed about your feelings, why are people trying to put a dampener on all the fun he’s having with hot young thing at work. They have so much fun! And she’s so sexy! He gives not a solitary shit for the pity people have for ‘his poor wife’ does he??

lifegoes · 08/03/2020 09:49

Yes @Pollypocket89 because of the volume he's doing and mainly because of how it's all making you feel. HE IS MAKING YOU FEEL AWFUL.

What is he doing to reassure you this is nothing. Has he removed her from social media?
Has he stopped looking?

No. He's still doing it.

He lacks respect for you and how this is making you feel

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 08/03/2020 09:58

If I wasn't bothered, is it still disrespectful? I'm sort of using this thread as devil's advocate

OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 08/03/2020 10:00

OP I say this with kindness, I really do, but you're still asking others to explain what you are unsure of. But you already know. You don't need permission from other people to feel like your DH is massively crossing the line. He is.

I can only say what I'd do, but if this was my DH I'd tell him he deletes her from SM instantly and in front of me, and agrees with me that deleting her is the right thing to do. Then, we work together on our marriage. He cuts all contact outside of work with her, and brings the relationship back to ultra mega professional at al times, even if he sees her in the street. That if I feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable about what I'm hearing, seeing or feeling, I will calmly explain to him what's making me feel that way and he prioritises me over her.

You won't find justification to confront this issue anywhere but within yourself, only you and your DH are in this marriage. You should be sitting him down and making him take you seriously, because right now everything about his actions say he is dismissing you and prioritising his own feelings.

QueenOfOversharing · 08/03/2020 10:07

As @rvby asked (& wasn't answered...) How do YOU FEEL What is YOUR opinion of his behaviour? Do you like it? Do you want to be with someone who is like this, who does this kind of thing? Do you exist, or are you just a collection of other people's opinions?? Surely you have an idea of whether how this guy acts is ok with you?

Tbh, reading this thread, without the other, I honestly don't know why you're asking all this of ppl you don't know on MN. Why is your opinion not enough? Why can't you decide this for yourself?

Oh, and at best he's a disrespectful prick, at worst...