Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Misty9

I don’t think it will matter how long you spend trying to work out what to say, he has little respect for women and ‘fuck off’ would be plenty!
Also are you actually enjoying the sex? Is it too rough?
Please don’t carry on seeing this rubbish man - there are actually some good ones still around. He does not deserve your time

Re anal I’m very much on the fence with it. It does actually feel very nice in certain circumstances but I worry a lot about whether it will dominate the sex life, whether I can trust the person not to hurt me and the long term risks hence I may slightly dabble in it but on my terms only ever and with someone I know I can say nope, stop and who prefers my vag anyway.

@Ant330
Is this your ex have you got back together? What’s the situation is it not really going to work, perhaps too much has gone on now

Thanks to all who do give me advice. I want to be honest that it isn’t all perfectness even when you do meet someone you like and click with, there can still be issues. I saw Mr M last night and struggled to orgasm. I don’t know why. I enjoyed it and I fancy him a lot, but I just can’t seem to get there at the moment and I don’t know what I need him to do to help me. I’m worrying way too much and blocking myself 😂

Another lovely days with Mr Posh last night and I think we’ll probably DTD this weekend. I’m beginning to wonder how anxious my attachment style really is when I’m with someone who treats me well, as I’m feeling pretty damn secure right now 😊

Yet again the thread appears to be getting judgemental. We all have different likes and dislikes. The point is the guy's attitude not whether anal is or is not a legitimate sexual activity.
Ffs.

Long time lurker here

Ant I've been following your story with Miss H and your situation seems similar to mine. I called mine out last week on a few things that were making me unhappy - he didn't re-act well so I've sadly come to the conclusion that our relationship is no longer for me. Hope you two can resolve your issues but I was fed up of feeling not quite special enough.

Well, I am having ex issues! Had to explain the situation why I need childcare at a certain time for the weekend ( shouldn't have to but he is so wishy washy with plans).

All okay to see Mr Dumfries but my ex had pleasure in telling me I'm being selfish on my kids seeing someone who lives so far away, and why don't I meet someone local as there are so many nice men around here. I think he's categorising 'nice men' as himself included which isn't the case. He then asked if he is the only man that will 'have me'...urgh, why do they have a way of trying to make you feel absolutely shit.

Okay, at the risk of tmi on the Internet, it was my suggestion to do anal the first time, he didn't push or even suggest it. And he definitely prefers my vag. His message was in response to me saying we can't have sex as I have a uti. He hadn't realised what that really meant and was more sympathetic/concerned in person. Which is the crux of it really, he's so different in person to his messages. We have a very banter driven way of relating.

Anyway, it's true that he hasn't treated me with empathy or respect particularly and I need to think about that. The sex is mind blowing which has clouded the issue probably. Again that focus has been more driven by me as I've missed it so much. But I have a good vibrator

@OntheWaves40 sorry I think your post got lost in my issue... Sorry to hear your relationship has ended it does make me think is there any point to all this as it rarely lasts anyway... Hope you're okay

@misty how did you leave it? I do agree that even if he is a FWB type situation his F part is lacking to say the least......he sounds pretty horrible, and you deserve way better than that.

@bangheadhere40 just that we'll see each other when we next can. About 10 days I think. Its hard to explain but I think I'm using this as a sort of training exercise to look at my insecurities and face them as I know it doesn't have long term legs, iyswim, so the risk is less than it would be if I was properly invested. I may not sound it, but I'm very self aware and I also have a really good handle on what isn't good for me and when it's time to call it a day. Tbh it's kinda novel and nice to even be in the position of being the one who has that choice/control (as its usually the man who disappears/says no). I enjoy our spark, which whilst it means we bicker and wind each other up, is also probably why we have great sex too. There was just nothingness with my ex for so long. But I am keeping an eye on how it's all making me feel. And getting a reality check from you guys

@CrossMyBoundariesAtYourPeril sorry to hear that, although it sounds like you're being clear about what you want and expect. If he cant provide that then it's not right for you, so you've done the right thing.
Mine is of my own doing this time, but maybe as others said a week or so ago my original decision perhaps was the right one. Not sure tbh, but that doesn't change the fact that we are essentially finished, don't think there's a way back from here although I'm loathe to call it myself just in case.
@Menora when you say ex do you mean ex wife, in which case no. This is MissH who I've been seeing for 8 months, I ended it 2 weeks ago but decided I'd done the wrong thing.
She agreed to give me another chance, particularly as she admitted doing exactly the same to me 5 months ago, but then started backtracking saying a bit of time apart while I'm on holiday would be a good thing for us both. Whilst we've been texting her responses have got increasingly blander to the point I said something last night as it felt like pulling teeth.
Although she's said she'll text me when I'm back I think there's a good chance I won't hear from her. Part of me thinks she's a coward for not having the guts to have the conversation properly, and has simply waited for me to go away so it's easier to fade away. She's never been great at the more serious or difficult conversations, so I dont know why I'm surprised but I am, and annoyed and disappointed in her.

Thanks Misty it took me years to pluck up the courage to finally let my guard down and when it’s good it was a great boost to my confidence but now it’s rough, I’m determined not to let it pull me down though easier said than done!
You sound very switched on and in control, I hope to be like that one day

@Ant330

Communication is THE most important key to things working and it could be that you just don’t seem to be able to very easily. I mean RS counselling could help but you would both need to want to do it! I think setting yourself some kind of deadline will help you decide when you need to stop trying to make it work, if she isn’t putting as much back in

Not sure who said to me about Mr M’s ex thinking he was making her jealous - I did think this personally but kept it to myself. I think he told me in context of when he dropped off DC, her parents were there but left very suddenly and avoided seeing him which he was very confused about, so both the things together he was a bit WTF. I’ve wondered if something else has gone on I don’t know about but I may never know!

Sorry to hear that @Onthewaves40

@misty9 he's blocked you twice and you continue to sleep with him. Are you sure you have the control you think?

Hi Everyone. I'm recently single and started OLD. Been on dates with 3 different men. 1st one, no spark. 2nd, Mr Dance is great, seen him about 6 times, lots of sex. But...I'm getting panicked as I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.
So I started chatting to other men and had a bit of a crazy weekend. Went out on Saturday with Mr Dance, stayed at his, went out with Mr Hipster on Sunday, not expecting much but we really hit it off and he ended up back at mine.
I'm basically feeling like a bad person but I don't know if I should and I don't know what to do!
I should add, both know my situation and that I'm not relationship ready.
Any advice??

Ant I do feel better for calling time on it - like you, communication was sometimes like walking in treacle. I am sad that it has ended as there were lots of really good things about us, especially the physical, but this woman cannot live by sex alone. The not knowing where I stood was making me more unhappy that the thought of not being with him. You seem to have the same doubts as I have and I know it messed with me for a bit until I put my big girl's pants on!

@unambiguousbeard re porn/anal sex, I think it's important that everyone can express their views on this thread. It's good that pro and anti views get heard, otherwise people on either side of the debate feel silenced or left out.

Even if you like anal, it's always good to have a reminder about the health risks especially for women.

I've just had a first time mid week sleepover. Rare night without the DC. It was very strange getting up and going to work this morning with Mr N in the house too.

I didn't say anything about it not being legitimate, but I don't think sharing my thoughts is wrong. I'm not attacking anyone, but neither do I want to see anyone risking their health.

@Ant330, it sounds a little like her initial panic and anger (?) about you calling time on the relationship has gone. And now that you have both had time to reflect you're weighing up the pros and cons of being together. A break , however temporary, causes uncertainty. She might also be frustrated that you are away and not there with her to work things through in person. Have you seen each other properly since you decided to give things another go?

@Tanyaaah, I think you are experiencing the adrenalin rush that kicks in when you realise that you can go out, meet whoever you want and do what suits you. From personal experience it can make it difficult to work out what your feelings are for one as opposed to the other. But usually that happens naturally when one guy shows more interest, follows up on the date and others don't. As long as you are safe and doing things you're happy with then no worries.

I don’t object to anyone sharing thoughts. It’s really not for everyone. I’ve rarely done it but I did enjoy it when I did

@Onesmallstep67 we've only seen each once when I went round to apologise and we went out for dinner.
We then had 5 days before I came away where we didn't see each other, tbf she was very busy with work days and evenings so we wouldn't really have seen much of each other anyway.
We'll see, anyway spent enough time thinking about this today. Just had 1st beer or the day, time to fall down a ski slope again 😂

Can't comment on the health risks, but I was surprised that the 4 women I've dtd with since splitting from my ex wife all discussed anal quite early on. Only have done with MissH out of the 4 but was surprised that all mentioned it. Not sure if that's because they assume all blokes want it so it has to be an option on the table?
Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about, i prefer the other one, but perhaps that's just me.

@Ant330 I think you're right, people just assume it's commonplace now yet from this thread you can see some are strongly against it.

I think each to their own, as long as any sexual act is consensual and not harmful to anyone but anal is not for me.
I had a very brief encounter years ago and I just remember the pain for days after.
For me, that hole is for one thing only and thankfully Mr Ad feels the same way.

@ant330 I don't think you've had time to reconnect since getting back together. And it seems reasonable to me that she'd be anxious and hurt. I would think she needs some time and for you to be understanding. Enjoy your skiiing.

@OntheWaves40 I've used bumble, tinder and hinge.

I still don't think the issue was anal. For it was reading a post from a woman who feels in charge but had been treated really poorly by someone they continue to sleep with. I'd want my friends to call me out on that. And what I say on here is what I'd say to friends in a similar position. You can do better. Casual sex doesn't mean they can ride rough shod over your emotions.

For me it’s a truly horrible thought that women might be suggesting anal early on just to entice a man both because she assumes he expects it and because he needs to be enticed 😮. Anal is not for everyone but in the right context it’s fantastic. And the right context is both parties being equally happy to do it, as with anything really (including shopping or watching football together!)