Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

My DD is at my parents for a few days as stbxh won’t contribute time or money to holiday childcare . I took Monday and Friday off.

@menora my gut reaction to the smirk is she thinks he's lying to make her jealous. I don't think her reaction or view is important. I would question why he told you though. I'm not sure you know what you want with Mr M do you? With Mr B I told him I didn't see him as relationship material and we were just fun. One of the reasons I ended it was I felt we'd settled into being in relationship when he wasn't the sort of person I thought I wanted. Only I then missed him so now I'm giving it a shot. I'm not a very grey person though. In some areas I like things to be black or white. I don't like wondering what's going on in a relationship. I'm really enjoying where we are at now.

@Stuckinarut79 there are so many similarities between our situations it's a bit spooky! My dc are the same age and (I think it was you who said this) my exdh has autism too. I think this latter point may be why I'm in the following situation which I need a talking to about...

My iron is Mr ghost. Yes, the one who ghosted me after 3 weeks and sleeping together 3 or 4 times. He then reappeared, blew hot and cold again so I called him on it and ended it. He then popped up again (!) a week or so later after we'd bumped into each other in real life. We've then sort of fallen into hanging out again but I've clearly communicated that it needs to be more than just sex for me. So, to now, tonight is my last child free night for a week and he finishes work at 3ish but isn't coming over until 8.45 as he's going to a gym class. Fair enough, he wants a life. I've got a painful uti from all the sex and his one response to this was to suggest an alternative, ahem, hole not asking me how I am or anything. He's shit at communication with most people in his life it seems, and I've raised this before. His life is a bit of a mess and I've suggested now isn't perhaps the best time for us...he just wants to go with the flow. The sex is bloody amazing and that's kept me so far I think (exdh had no sex drive) and he's attentive and tender in bed. Just not out of it!

So I'm thinking to message and say I don't think he's bothered or has time for tonight so let's leave it and see what he says? I don't really want to leave it to him to decide if he wants to see me again as this is how it's gone before... So I should listen to what he's telling me about who he is shouldn't I? And end it...

@misty, I would listen to what he is saying, and probably tell him to leave it....seems to be a bit rude of him what he has said, and also not coming round until later.

No real update from me, me and Mr Dumfries said we would see eachother this weekend, but as yet he hasn't said when he can do, I appreciate he has childcare issues to sort. I need to sort out my kids too though, and if I don't get forward notice it's hard to sort with my ex. I'm hoping he will let me know soon, I can't be doing with too laid back...and am a planner. It will soon become apparent if we are compatible on that level I think.

@misty9 yes it’s me with the autistic ex! It definitely brings up stuff for me, I see relationships through the lense of our relationship which I’m now seeing was so unhealthy with both of us not being emotionally available, him because he couldn’t and me because I gave up when he showed me he couldn’t.
Yes you do have to ditch as it sounds like your not having fun, it’s ok to just want good sex but if he’s not showing any care outside the bedroom that’s shit. You can do better, if you haven’t already mr unavailable and the fall back girl is an excellent read and his behaviour is text book.

@Stuckinarut79 that makes complete sense about why you ended up emotionally unavailable as that's exactly how I felt too. Oh Mr ghost is definitely Mr unavailable, in fact I've told him he has an avoidant attachment style (my area of expertise) and although I overinvested at the beginning, I now have no expectations regarding what he can provide, but I was just enjoying the sex. Bloody uti (literally!). His latest insensitive communication has got my goat though and I'm questioning whether it's worth it. Hmm.

@Misty9 he ghosted you and rather than asking after your wellbeing sought to find another way to get what he wants. If it's a choice between sex and respect its respect every time. That should jot be the cost of intimacy. Ditch. Dont look back

*jot = not

It also shouldn't be the job of a person to teach grown adults how to communicate with respect or behave with courtesy. If they don't have that nailed at 30+ it's a choice, not an oversight

@Misty9 no matter how good the sex is I wouldn't have gone back to a man that had treated me like that. And you are considering going back again? Block and delete.

@misty9 i agree with the above , even a fwb or a fuck buddy should communicate like an adult and be polite and courteous

@bangheadhere40 totally get you with the planning , I need to know what I’m doing . I have my ex messing me about with time but even 15 mins knocks out my schedule of work, childcare, kids activities etc. So I need mr g to understand this too. But he has his kids a very very set time so we can arrange quite easily

I'm a bit horrified that he suggested what he did.

I’m hoping it was in jest

Back again. Seeing someone for 6 months and he just pulled the plug, not much explanation why, it’s likely he’s met someone else.
So where is everyone finding people these days? Which apps?

I know you're all right... In his defence, the bum suggestion was because its something we've done before... (probably how I got bloody cystitis too). But yes, he's a giant man child avoidant. He's here now and we're pretty honest about how we both behave. I'm insecure and he's avoidant...baaad combination. I don't know how to communicate that he either steps up or that's it. I've had a lifetime of being told my needs are too much and, whilst lots of therapy has addressed that now, it's still difficult to know what's normal and reasonable, iyswim. Well, we can't see each other for nearly two weeks now anyway...

@Misty9 I honestly don't understand how there is anything to communicate here. He's ghosted you twice and has no concern for your welfare. I've no problem with anal. But not to ask if you are ok. Please walk away.

@Misty9 it's your life but the issue here isnt simply emotional unavailability....its a shortage of empathy and basic decency

Thanks @Menora - my instinct is that that’s what’s going on by then the self-doubt kicks in!

@shitwithsugaron I know! It’s such a weird thing! I find myself carefully crafting tweets to get him to like them! I think I need to ask him out for an evening drink to make it obvious or we’re going to get stuck drinking coffee forever, and I already owe him 3 as he always insists on getting mine!

@Stuckinarut79 I would see him again due to shared interests but I don’t think it would be embarrassing - I could handle it! It’s more that I don’t want to blow it by coming on too strong and scaring him off!

@Misty9 As a fellow anxious attachment person, I totally get the appeal of men who ghost you, but please find someone more worthy of your affection! Your needs are not too much. Have you read “Women who love too much”? I’m finding it so useful.

So after my earlier update I got cheesed off tonight after another bland text and called her out on having nothing really to say since I came on holiday. After a bit of to and fro I've just said I'm stopping texting, back Sat night, you know where I am if you want to talk to me after that.
Tbh I'd rather just focus all my attention on my son without this to worry about, we're having a great time and I don't want this to get in the way.
Maybe that's telling me something or indeed everything, who knows??

I have a huge problem with the dangers and risks of anal sex and if you are already unwell as a result of it he has no business going near you. I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone but actions have consequences and anal sex can cause serious health issues with very little benefit for women on the whole. I've always said I don't have a prostate so fail to see any point whatsoever. Many people believe the spike in popularity/normalcy/expectation is due to porn and I'm against porn as well.

I don't want to get strident or political but I have strong feelings on this topic.

Agreed @perfectpretender