Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Notcoolmum I found out that he had lied about his age, 4 years older than he said he was. Lied about why he was living where he was living (the place was on panorama), sniped at me when I put his milk away, lack of effort at Christmas, was perfectly fine with going weeks without seeing me and had started manipulating me (I have no money for electric etc) I ended it by text and all I go was Cool, bye, take care

Sounds like you fudges a bullet there then @Dancerinthemoonlight Curious to know why his place was on panorama!

It's a 'human wearhouse' under the permitted development scheme that houses victims of domestic violence, homeless people, drug addicts, ex cons etc.

Saw Mr Confident again on the weekend. It ended up as a sleep over. It was fun. I'm not sure where if anywhere this going but for now it's working. I think. Just need to not get over invested.

Coffee date this afternoon with iron I haven't previously mentioned, Mr Local. Been chatting for a couple of weeks but he's just returned from a trip away. Seeing Mr Photography on Thursday evening. FWB Mr Cocky was hoping for a Friday afternoon shag fest but I doubt I can get the house free as DDs on half term. Finding sex isn't difficult as we all know, finding someone for the real deal is a whole different ball game.

Question for those with children, how much do you talk about your children in the early dating stages?

I’m doing a lot of thinking about I really want out of old, Mr scenery is rather lovely, it’s very slow but it feels like it’s got the potential to developing into something, there’s a few things he’s said/not said I’m watching as they could signify we’re incompatible, one of the things is we’ve not really talked about my children at all, he’s only ever asked their ages, we’ve talked about parents, siblings, ex’s, even nices/nephews but not my children, don’t get me wrong I like not being mum and enjoying being just me, but my children at 5 and 8 are so much of my life I’m beginning to find it odd not talking about that huge part of my life, is that weird? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have children that he’s not sure how to talk about, but he’s got a godson the same age as my youngest and we chatted about him for a bit. I think what I’m asking is, if he’s ignoring (and I’m not sure that’s what he’s doing) a big part of my life is this telling me he’s self absorbed and not actually that interested in me?

I try not to talk about my children too much. Similar position in that my iron doesn't have DC or much involvement with children at all. It can be challenging because one of mine has SEN and another calls and texts me quite a lot when she's with my exH.

What's happening with the DC can really effect my mood etc. So sometimes I explain, but tend to hold back on the anecdotes.

I'm not looking to integrate anyone into my family life and don't want to introduce anyone to my DC though.

@shitwithsugaron sorry to hear about what’s going on with Mr list, how are you? I totally get you want to support him and you’ve had some great advice, and sounds like your being there for him, but your still getting to know each other and a big life event like this is changing things, I hope your doing ok with that.

@Dancerinthemoonlight good luck on Friday, as was said I can completely understand again how these life events make us look at where we are and who’s in our life’s and focus the mind somewhat.

@Menora I love the honesty of your updates, I hear this struggle your having with yourself, wanting to just go with it but also those insecurities coming to the surface. I think all you can do is keep doing what your doing, keeping strong boundaries but also staying in the here and now, enjoy yourself, listen for those red flags but also enjoy!

Half term without the children here, it’s weird, but also really nice to have some time just for me, though it’s really showing me how much I don’t have a clue what I want to do with myself - not just in dating terms! I was going to go away on a cruise this week, then I looked at a air b&b for a few nights, then I looked at a class, I’ve time and a bit of money to do something, but I’ve too many options and don’t know what the hell I want to do. And I’m a little pissed off at me scenery - probably unfairly- we’re meeting on Wednesday night as we’ve done the last three Wednesday nights, he knows I’ve not got the kids so could mix it up, but so far any suggestion I’ve made hasn’t come to anything/been rejected!

So I went on fab yesterday, I’ve hidden my profile now, it’s definitely full on, but I got myself a potential new iron mr old, he’s local, his profile is exactly what I think I’m looking for - casual but exclusive, sex but other stuff as well, we spoke on the phone earlier, he’s got a lovely accent, easy to talk to, interesting, my biggest concern is his photos while not unattractive he looks old (hence the name!) he looks older than he says he is, but my theory is and it’s been discussed here so many men on OLD post rubbish photos and look better in real life. The other thing is that I’m running to something simpler out of fear that something might be developing with mr scenery that has the potential to be something quite meaningful. Or of course I could just follow the rules and not over invest and it’s all bullshit till it happens, and I’m just hedging my bets!

I can’t believe you’re in the same position again shitwith re your iron’s family crisis. 💐 to you (and Mr List, hut mostly to you).

@Stuckinarut79 I don't have children, but I'm in a similar position to Mr Scenery in that I don't have kids of my own, but Miss Haircut (who I've been on a couple of dates with) does.

She's mentioned them a few times, but only in passing. I haven't really asked about them, as I don't think it's any of my business at the moment - especially after just 2 dates. I'm also feeling a bit strange about it to be honest, as I've never dated anyone with children before, so it feels a little awkward talking about them with her.

Also, especially having read some of the posts on here, I can imagine she's very protective of them and their feelings, and it just feels a bit intrusive if I ask about them directly.

But that doesn't mean I'm not interested in her - just the opposite, I'd rather spend our time together getting to know each other.

Hi everyone, I’m not actively dating but met a man at the end of last year through work who I would really like to get to know more.

We work in the same industry but not for the same organisation, though he has contributed to events I’ve organised. He is a really friendly and professional person who is lovely to everyone I’ve seen him interact with, so I find it very difficult to read him. We met a few times at meetings with others because of a joint project. On one occasion, the person organising the meeting cancelled but he emailed to ask if it was worth us meeting anyway, and we pretty much just had a nice coffee together. Once that project was over, we had no reason to be in direct contact but he was ‘liking’ pretty much every tweet I posted.

And then within a week, he sent me a DM on Twitter (not work email) asking if I was free for coffee later in the week. I got overexcited and thought it was a date. It was lovely, but not clearly a date. Definitely not just a work meeting though. Body language very positive. He said “let me know when you’re free and we should get another coffee.” Sent him a message later that day apologising for something I’d said that was potentially awkward/insulting and saying it had been really nice spending time with him and we should do it again soon. He responded gracefully, said it had been really nice seeing me, but then made a comment about something work related as well as a reference to an in joke.

Apologies for the novel, but I am totally lost. It could totally be that he isn’t interested in me romantically at all, but there is also a strong possibility that he doesn’t know I am interested in him in that way. He is very equality-minded and I can definitely see him being someone who wouldn’t want to come on too strong to someone who he knows professionally. This was the Friday before last. Since then we’ve just been back to liking each other’s Tweets (which I know is ridiculous!)

Do I just (try and) stop thinking about him? Or is it worth me sending a message to see if he wants to go out for coffee again? I just want to get to know him a bit better so don’t want to throw myself at him, but am wondering if I need to up the flirting a bit.

Can you tell I’m less than 6 months out of a 9 year relationship and don’t have a clue?!

Usually I don’t talk about my DC all that much with irons. With Mr M we talk about our kids a lot as in it’s not an off topic convo at all. He asks me questions and vice versa

Ok so I just watched a YouTube video that made me think HOLY FUCK. It’s some woman talking about Kris Kardashian and the dynamic with her kids. She was talking about attachment styles and said that children who end up being ‘wedded’ to their clingy insecure mothers from an early age usually become very avoidant of adult RS as they have spent so long being trapped with their mother. This really struck it with me. I didn’t mind having my own children and didn’t feel as trapped as I do feel trapped by adult RS and my mother. Children grow up and leave home. It is the ultimate claustrophobic fear that that person will demand attention from you forever. That is what I am struggling with. Not the DC element

@shitwithsugaron I think this actually will build a strong foundation for you both going forward. And him opening up to you is a good thing that he feels he can talk to you. It’s such an important thing to have

@Stuckinarut79
They def sometimes look better IRL! I would meet him for at least one date. What does Mr Scenery have going on that he can only do Wednesday?

DD didn’t have a broken finger, yay!

@Treesinthewind

I think there is no harm texting him to arrange another coffee

To be honest it sounds like he was trying to see you outside of work and playing it so cool and evasive that he’s just ended up confusing you. If he’s a nice guy then he probably is just as unsure!

The fact he messaged you on twitter and likes your posts suggests he’s interested IMO

Mr M said he told his ex wife when dropped DC off he was dating (not RS) in case someone else tells her/sees me with him. Apparently he is slightly befuddled because she just said ‘oh ok’ and was trying to hide a smirk. Methinks she might be relieved? What does that mean for womankind then

I think how you weather the ups and downs is so important. I think when we were young it all seemed so easier and there was so much less of the proverbial baggage of DC and parents, so you managed to have a longer period of fun before real life smacked you in the face. Dating nearly 40 never seems to run smoothly and there always seems to be bloody barriers and issues coming up! I think I’m impatient so I would be worried about how it’s affecting the RS re the timing of just meeting someone, but at the same time it does have potential and sounds like you mutually care for one another

@shitwithsugaron

Long story but 2nd baby seemed to put a strain on them and very soon after baby born she presented him with a list of all his failings and ended the marriage. He became depressed and sad (blaming himself) he then accidentally came across evidence of cheating and she admitted to it and he moved out. He seems ok now, he’s always been very confused by how he felt like ‘maybe you never really know someone’ but he doesn’t really dwell on it and they are pretty civil

@Menora surely the fact he wants emotional contact, or "cuddles" as you describe it, is no bad thing. At least you know he's not just in it for the sex. And if the occasional big night out with my mates meant I was off putting to women, then I'd never get a date. Personally I think a partner with a good social life and their own 'stuff' going on is a good thing.
@shitwithsugaron no need for it to be make or break. With previous partner yes, but MrList is clearly a very very different man! It will be a tough time for him, I was at the hospital when my mum decided she didn't want any more treatment and wanted to go home, and that was a tough time leading up to her death. All you can do is be there and offer the support you think you'd want if the situation was reversed.
My update... MissH and I are texting each other while I'm away, but steering clear of any conversation about us. Shes mainly getting skiing videos and pics 😂
No idea what will happen on my return but I haven't changed my mind so far about wanting to be with her, but my son and I are having an absolute blast which is keeping my mind off it potentially being all over.

Thanks all @TheCatWithTheHat in particular I appreciate the insight.

@menora I’ve no idea why it’s only Wednesday, it’s my usual free night, but I made it very clear I was free all week, we had plans for Sunday afternoon but he cancelled, today was a heavy day at work so he said it’d have to be Wednesday, I’m hoping we can fit something another day in over the weekend, I’m just a little frustrated that I have time this week and I want to make the most of it as it’ll be the summer before I get a whole week again (I’ve a few days at easter) but it’s where we are at!
I agree with mr old we’re talking later and I’m happy to meet him for a drink and see what he’s like in real life, though I’m hugely aware I might be setting myself up for a difficult choice and it’s straying into dubious territory but I’ve not kissed Mr scenery, no discussions have been had!

@Treesinthewind will you see him again professionally? Can you ask him out via dm and then if he knocks you back it doesn’t matter if your path don’t cross again? Obviously if it’s likely you’ll be moving in the same circles in the future it’s more tricky!

@Menora Standard working week for me. MiniSJT has been with my friend today, he’s crying as my friend was getting ready for a ‘party’ (the Brits) and it’s unfair that he can’t go 😂 MrNN has him for a few hours tomorrow before handing him back over to my friend, ha, good luck!

@Stuckinarut79 Not a great deal, but then I don’t talk about him a great deal in real life anyway. MrNN knew I was a parent (agency told him), but he wasn’t mentioned by me for quite a while. But then I found it all a bit awkward anyway as very few people in my community have children and I don’t always feel like a parent.

@Ant330 Pleased you’re having a good time.

@Stuckinarut79. I didn’t have any irons I saw more than once before mr g. His youngest is the same age as mine so we do talk about them quite a bit and what they like etc. And show each other pics and stuff. But I think them being the same age has a lot to do with.

@Menora you either need to live in the moment with mr M or decide if he is the man for you on a perm basis and take action.