Dating thread 184! Where we don't take any nonsense !

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Tiger Mr BC has done a lot of talking type stuff because of his work. SDD has counselling, SDS is okay as far as I know. He didn't make any comment about SDD possibly doing that deliberately. He knows her far better than me, maybe she didn't.

Jane because of our lack of proximity to each other we don't tend to meet up for less than 3 or 4 hours. I'm really not feeling a 2 hour meal out (where? Everything is booked up) 'if I want'. Effort needs to be made! (This is going against all my instincts to just take whatever is offered 😂😂).

I think I'm at the 'where is this going and is it enough?' stage. But he is big on making an effort and making me feel special normally so

Mr Muddle has done his first mini disappearing act. He text me this morning at 9.30am I replied and I’m still on grey ticks on WA 🙄 but he’s been online 2 hours ago. He’s off work today got no DC. I’m not over thinking it in any sense of stressing majorly, I’m sure he’s fine and we will just turn up where we are meeting at 7pm and probably no requirement to speak further.

I really hope he’s not going to start going hot and cold - I have little tolerance for THAT

@BatshitCrazyWoman yes I think you sound like you have hit the stage of wanting to know what's what. And you're doing the right thing. Sooner or later he needs to move on and his DSCs need to let him.

@Notcoolmum 🤷🏻‍♀️ just trying to make everyone who doesn't have a date/valentine feel better. There's a lot of pressure and emotions around today and in my view it's unnecessary and created to make us consume. It's the hiatus between Xmas and Easter. But if it's important to you then celebrate away

Unfurling and trying to catch up...

@unambiguousbeard I'm glad your medication is starting to make a difference. You've sounded so downbeat each time I've tried to catch up with what's happening for everyone on the thread recently. Hopefully you'll be feeling more like yourself. Have fun with MrU tonight.

@BatshitCrazyWoman I think you're right that the ball is in his court now. Grief is a difficult thing, but you have been incredibly patient and understanding. More so than many women would be. But it seems like it's reaching a point in the relationship where he's going to have to make changes and start to properly move on if he wants to be with you. It's not fair for him to compartmentalise like he is right now. Living in a shrine to his late wife is just not comparable with a serious relationship with anyone.

And it looks like he's going to have to have some frank and uncomfortable conversations with his children. It's not fair for them to try to stop him moving on with his life, however hard it may be for them to accept that. Tbh, it sounds like they've all got stuck at a particular point in the grief process and it would be healthier for everyone if they could move past it and more fully process the changes in their lives.

For those avoiding smiling because they hate their not entirely perfect teeth, it's probably worth remembering that you're more aware of any imperfections than anyone else will be. I hated being photographed and was paranoid about my teeth for years. A large part of this was because my horrible (abusive) ex had convinced me that my smile was hideous and my teeth a big problem that should be hidden. They do stick out a bit and the front tooth is capped because I fell as a child and broke my adult tooth almost as soon as it had grown in. I've also got loads of fillings at the back (because my idiot parents didn't really understand about tooth care).

I was very surprised to learn that MrSG actually likes my teeth and thinks they (and my smile) are beautiful. So now I feel much more confident about them. They're not perfect, but there's nothing monstrous about them. His teeth are also not perfect either (but I think the slight squintness is really attractive).

So, yeah, you may be worrying unnecessarily.

Obviously, I'm with you all on not finding a mouth full of gums attractive. Or rotten teeth. But actually, most people's teeth look alright.

@Notcoolmum

It isn’t not caring about it, it is that one day isn’t reflective or realistic about how someone expresses themselves, if they otherwise treat you well all year round and show you they care. A lot of people don’t place importance as a significant event, some people do. In my mind It is the same as Christmas. Non religious people celebrate it with their family but it is a farce if you all hate each other the other 364 days of the year, or if it’s all about the gifts. There is also a lot of pressure about the meaning of showing someone you care about them if it is a new RS then you don’t want to over do it with a slushy card that could go down like a lead balloon or receive an expensive gift when all you got them was furry handcuffs. I think it causes more stress than it is an enjoyable event personally. Ex father of my DC sent me flowers to work every year but at home he was a massive twat to me.

@notcoolmum I'm with u. I'm not overly fussed about valentines. but would be nice to get a card, maybe cook a meal and cuddle on the sofa with someone who liked me.

that's not gonna happen this year. started the day feeling pretty positive and independent lol but I'm starting to loose the feelings. is it really too much to ask for someone to pay me some attention lol.

I dont mind my own company but I spend all my evenings alone once dd is in bed.

hope everyone has a nice day/evening whatever you do.

@menora lol at mr muddle in your pants that’s my kind of valentines message, goofy, not serious!

@bangheadhere40 sounds like you and mr Dumfries are getting in well if your now thinking about him staying over, I hope you have a lovely evening and whatever happens feels natural.

Must take a look at always sunny.

I’m going to the theatre with a friend tonight, the kids are with the stbxh for the whole of half term and I’m filling it up with stuff I want to do, not letting those thoughts of I don’t want to do that on my own stop me! So going to a concert tomorrow evening and I’m going to book an air b&b for a couple of nights and just go and walk and read, I can grab a take out if I feel like it but hoping I’ll go and eat on my own in a nice place without feeling awkward! I’m also decluttering the house and getting rid of so much stuff from when I was married (I still am but hopefully you know what I mean!) so the house starts to be mine and the kids, nice to get rid of a few things I never liked but the ex chose!

Mr scenery messaged mid morning, a simple sorry I crashed early last night, I like I crossed his mind and that he’d missed messaging last night enough to acknowledge it, it feels like we are on the same page. @bats instant messsging and being available does add a sometimes unneeded dimension to dating!

@stuck - Mr Scenery sounds nice too, and for him to acknowledge his messaging style had changed...that's a good thing for him to have done....and is reassuring you, without being pressed.

@Notcoolmum - hope you are feeling a little brighter, I agree about the card / some kind of acknowledgment at the minimum really. Not to judge it all on one day but if I was in a RS I would expect at least a card!

@BatshitCrazyWoman yes it does sound like he’s not making an effort. Maybe he has a hang up about v day. I sent mr g a card and wished him happy valentines and he didn’t respond to either 🤷🏼‍♀️. But he sent me a lovely long message about something else so I think he just doesn’t like v day.

Thanks @bangheadhere40 I'm not overly bothered about V day. And rationally I can it's just a day etc bu my brain can't stop thinking if he can't make the effort for our first V's day what does that say about things...

@Notcoolmum how long have you been together? I completely see your point!

I don't think that's unreasonable @Notcoolmum. It's less about Valentine's Day as such, and more about feeling like someone has made the effort - especially early on in a relationship.

My ex was crap about anything involving cards and presents. And he got much, much worse as time went on (well until the year he decided to get me nothing for Christmas and his parents were livid with him; after that I got presents that were clearly so his parents would know I got something rather than anything about me). So i would always worry that no effort at all is a sign of even less effort in the future.

Notcool that's how I'm feeling He's just said he'll go home and have an early night. Not a 'sorry about our plans' or anything. I do think he thinks I'm more easy going than I actually am 😂😂

When I get home the card I got for him and the little present will be sitting on the table as all our plans collapsed just as I was leaving the house. I'll just shove it in a cupboard I think ...

I mean it doesn't matter how long really, it's the lack of effort that's the problem, unless you have explicitly told them not to bother, in which case men will take this literally normally.

@bat or tell him, he should know your disappointed that how he’s treating you isn’t ok!

@unambiguousbeard hope tonight goes well, you sound more positive so I hope tonight adds to that feeling, sounds like your in the moment and not looking ahead so that’s good.

@Notcoolmum the day isn't over yet though. Have you been together long?

@BatshitCrazyWoman i think its just a case of bad timing rather than him not caring. He obviously adores you. Have you told him you are upset about it?

I got a lovely box thing from my FWB decorated with my pics plus my children's pics. Very sweet. I got him chocs and a naughty card (which hasn't arrived yet)

Aw @BatshitCrazyWoman I'm sorry. I think I come across like the cool girl too often. I need to make myself more high value. It is just a day. He will see you tomorrow but it would be nice if he made an effort knowing it was important to you.

@bangheadhere40 8 months.

@unambiguousbeard great news about the meds. And I totally agree about consumerism. And yet I still seem to care. I'm annoying myself!!

@crazycatlady you are ALL of those things. Treat yourself tonight. You deserve it.

@Eesha wow your FwB needs to show the others how it's done!

I bet a lot of us do the cool girl thing. I’ve definitely done that before where I am all nonchalant about something on the outside and inside feeling absolutely rubbish and also upset that they didn’t notice or make the effort.
I am too generous though that people (men) are generally bad at romance as they don’t understand where the line is or what their partner/date would like. Perhaps they err to far on the side of caution?
A few guys OLD said to me ‘women don’t like nice guys’ which can read to me as they are always confused over whether to put the effort in and look weak, or to take the risk of doing nothing and piss a woman off

Actually I'm now considering whether my non expectations are just a reflection of my non expectations of/in a relationship. I wonder if it's protecting myself and keeping expectations low so I'm never disappointed. I don't mean re mr U tonight, it's coincidence we're meeting Valentine's Day, but generally with men in life. I don't expect them to do anything nice ever and would feel really uncomfortable if I got any gesture on Valentine's Day. I've never really had one either. Always preempted it by saying it's nonsense. Starting to think I'm just really really fucked up and unavailable rather than really secure!

Sorry I missed the stuff about the cool girl. That is me. Every time.

notcool and batshit Mr GN, back when he was Mr Greedy FWB, didn't give me a card for my birthday a few months back. I was hurt/offended and told him so directly, then basically I didn't really speak to him for about three weeks (not sulking as such, I just didn't feel like it). I acted like a complete princess but actually it was me being honest for once, not laid back or cool or adult or whatever. Bless him, he stepped up re Christmas and now Valentines - I mean nothing fancy, but he knew it's what I wanted so he did it. I suppose I'm saying throw a tantrum if you feel like it, what you feel is what you feel and he needs to know about it.

I think it's a timing issue really and I have told him I'm disappointed (was bloody hard to do that, I'm another 'cool girl' ). Am now pissed off that he didn't acknowledge that I am disappointed!

He's always been amazing so I'm thinking it must be me. I've now exhausted myself - combination of a busy week and all this angst. I'm going to go straight to bed when I get in 😕

Tiger said it well. Having a tantrum about it is actually ok, just expressing how you feel. I don’t want to brand all men clueless at all I just think it’s a total minefield and people get it wrong with no ill intention or malice. That’s why I don’t want anyone to feel bad or rubbish because if they are nice to you on all the other days you see them and treat you right then it could be a case of He’s A Plank-itis

Maybe 'disappointed' is not a strong enough word batshit. If you tell him how you feel properly without accusing him of being twat or whatever, he will understand better - he sounds like such a nice man and he's nuts about you remember.