Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

Agree, with the pp who said there are always going to be people who validate you not to work op. They feel a woman's right is to be home if she so chooses. And then make arguments about how men are clueless about the way life works.

In my experience men are not remotely clueless. They know exactly but the discussion needs to be had on a fair break down of chores, inc drop off and pick up, when wrap around/holiday care closes.

How old are your kids exactly?

The thing is you can come up with a shit load of reasons not to work op, but if he resents it, then likely your marriage is on the green mile, dead man walking.

Spousal maintence now is very rare, generally women ar expected to work, clean breaks are prefered, spousal maintence only given when someone is too old to realistically retrain and support themselves.

Working gives you some independence, some financial control, and you paying into a pension pot, for your retirement. Not working could make life very difficult for you in the coming years, as the kids get older, and your husband resents you more and more, and the longer you have been out of the workplace the harder it is to get back in.

of course it's possible if you're married to a man who understands the huge value of caring responsibilities!

Ruffle it seems he did understand when the kids were younger, he is no longer as understanding and I don't think thr op has clarified the ages.

And he's not alone, as kids age, particular when they hit secondary many many people do not see the value of a parent staying home.

All perfectly valid points, however, the question was not, should you work, why you should work, all the different ways in which the sky could fall down if you don't work, but 'is it possible to be a sahp with school aged children, and your DH have respect for you'.

The answer is, 'yes'. It is possible.

However, if the OP feels her DH does not have respect for her contribution to the household, she needs to have that discussion with him, so that they can plan a mutual line of attack, whereby she looks at preparing to re-enter the workforce, and, most importantly, they clearly define what domestic and childcare responsibilities and jobs need to be done, and who is going to do them, making sure it is equitable, and clearly negotiated, defined, and agreed. In writing. In triplicate. Signed in blood.

Including holidays, covering children's sick days, when a parent is away on business, leisure time and weekends.

What about a midday assistant at a primary school.

Personally feel that stay at home parents have a right to be that. However I do think that they should work a little even if it’s temporary part-time occasional work.

I don't agree ar all that stay at home parents have some form of right to be at hôme. It's interesting people seem to really just think this about women.

Ageeing to be a stay at home parent when kids are young is one thing when it benefits the family and both are in agreement, but it's seldom a case that that agreement means the person never has to work again.

The op should wish to work in my view, she's at the stage she thinks her husband doesn't even like her any more. Potentially the marriage is ending, in fact probably, so people telling her to basically scare the shit out of him so she can continue to not work is likely to cause it to absolutely end.

but it doesn't seem possible that Op can get her DH to respect her as a SAHP to school aged children, that is the only relevant factor unless op is planning to steal a DH that supports a woman's right not to work for as long as she wants. If the younger child has anxiety, have you been to the GP and referred him Op? Are you saying you suspect the child has additional needs - does your DH accept this?

It sounds as though self esteem is holding op back too.

at some point you do need to make a new plan in any case and if the younger one has just started school that's the ideal time to spend a year or two retraining so that by the time the youngest is 7 or so, you can have a job that isn't a low paid dead end.

Of course there's no 'form of right', whatever that may be, be it SAHM, or SAHD. It is a mutual decision, and one that is constantly reviewable, in accordance with changing circumstances and needs within the familial and the individual contexts.

It shouldn't scare the absolute shit out of him to sit down and have a very clear and frank discussion, about the possibility of her returning to work, and what this means for everyone in the family. If he's always had a SAHM there, covering everything, and doing anything, it's highly likely that a vast amount of what gets done is invisible to him, and he needs to have full and accurate information. They need to decide what is most important for them as a couple, and yes, I do think it's very important that there are clear negotiations and agreements about who is going to do what, particularly in terms of housework, groceries, cooking, childcare, pick-ups and drop-offs, what happens if someone has to go away for work, sick days, holidays, parent teacher meetings, doctors appointments, all the wife work re Christmas and birthdays. . .

Or it's likely to be a very vague, 'oh yes love, I think it's best if you go back to work, the kids don't need someone at home now, I'm sure we'll muddle along, everyone else does, and you know I'll pitch in whenever I can. . .'

I think maybe you should ask your DH to sit down and work out how much he will pay for childcare, cleaner, cook and standby childcare and homework tutor. Then make out an invoice for those duties

I know a lot of single parents and for some what broke their marriage up was not that they were the SAHM to their school age children and didn’t work but because they did go to work and did everything else too

It got to the point they looked round and thought why are they carrying another adult who would come home and expect everything done and be annoyed that dinner wasn’t on the table as usual or find fault in something else that hadn’t been completed.

They had sat down and divided the wife work and admin stuff and initially it was ok but gradually it began to slide. A request here and there to put the bins out or cook dinner as he had to work late became permanently their jobs.

Husbands like your dh really make me cross! He has benefited from your sah in order to work abroad and further his career. That has cost you in terms of money, pension, career progression and confidence. And now he expects you to do some shitty mcjob to enable him further. I think the school years are your reward for doing all the crappy, menial work when the DC were little.
Don't look for some school hours job that will still land you with all the domestic drudgery - spell out to him just how much he will have to change his life when you do return to work and then look for a real job,that you actually want to do.
There is never any reason for making snotty remarks to the person who has facilitated your easy working and family life!

It's really hard to find work 10am to 2pm term time only. I've tried my whole life!
Also what happens when kids are ill or have medical appointments?
Tell him to stop being an arsehole.

@Celendine sorry but as a single working parent I always roll my eyes at those kind of comments. I manage to do all of the cooking, homework help and housework. You don't need a SAHP or any outsourcing to get it done.

It's not easy to get back into work after such a long time off. I'd be a bit concerned at his attitude. I would look into getting back to work, for your own peace of mind. But he can't expect you to just walk into a job straightaway.

even jobs at the school are hard to come by - people who've managed to get teaching assistant jobs at the school have usually volunteered quite extensively for several years beforehand and then sometimes what's on offer is about 6-12 hours of work a week.

There's often a need for retraining if you've been a SAHP for a number of years, to avoid the low pay low prospects trap.

It’s such a tricky position to be in. I took an extra year off after my youngest went to full time, my husband respected me but there was definitely tension there. I could understand that though, I think I would feel the same if the roles were reversed.

I’ve managed to get a nice little job cleaning in school hours now which is a nice compromise. Not sure what I’ll do long term!

Options that degree educated women usually consider include dinner ladies, cleaning and supermarket work.

I see on here that some people find term time only, flexible PROFESSIONAL work from home that they can do 10am to 2pm. I envy them, a lot! I would love them to tell me how. Poss family links?
Self employment a possibility I suppose?

OP, is there a reason you have so little self-confidence? I was also much struck by your fear of trying a course in case you fail.

Have you always suffered this way, or have you lost confidence from a particular time/can you put a finger on why, or is it your dh undercutting you (ie. are the snide comments about SAH part of a larger picture of denigration, or is he usually a kind and supportive partner?).

Also if you're feeling quite low in general, please go and see your GP.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Eggzackerly. The key is clear, honest, and painfully accurate communication, negotiation, compromise, and agreement. Clearly spelled out and unambiguously drawn up so it can be referred to at a later stage, or revisited and renegotiated.

now he expects you to do some shitty mcjob to enable him further

Charming attitude towards people in low-paid jobs. No need to be a snob.

Then make out an invoice for those duties

Sure. She can invoice him for his half, Then he will make out an invoice for her housing, food, utilities, clothes, phone, transportation, sky, insurance and everything else.

Wonder who will win? Honestly make out an invoice, what a ludicrous suggestion, two of them can play that game and why would she make herself out to be the hired help not a partner? Do you not think she's enough issues? Without pointing out to him it might be cheaper to get rid of her and positioning her self as hired help.

And as a pp said, it shouldn't scare the shit out of him, but that's what some posters are trying to achieve. Spell it out to him! He does it all! He pays for it all! Invoice him!

All so she doesn't have to work. She should want to work. Her marriage is on the way out. Sending him invoices or telling him he needs to do it all, making him sign shit, is just guaranteed to end it.

Do people really behave like this in real life? Invoicing their husbands and hoping he doesn't do the same back? And all other other ludicrous suggestions?

I am the main earner in my family. Since DC were born, DH has at different times worked full time, part time and SAHD. DC were school age when he first became a SAHD (which started off as a temporary convenience as our nanny left around the same time as he was facing redundancy), I was a bit resentful when he did not start looking for a new job (or a new nanny) after a couple of months. This was not because we couldn't afford to live on my salary (we could) but because i felt quite a lot of pressure as the sole bread winner, i.e. i did not feel like i had an escape route from my very high pressure job/safety net if I were to need it.
He went back to work part time and that worked well. Situation changed and be became a SAHD again a few years later. This was only meant to be temporary again but by this time we had built up reasonable savings and so i felt i had an escape route/ safety net even without him working. I did not feel the same pressure as I had done the previous time, and appreciated him being at home from a logistical perspective. Hence he has continued as a SAHD (with a small amount of consultancy work, mainly from home)

So I guess what i am saying is that even if you can afford to live on one salary, it is putting a lot of pressure on that person (particularly if you don't have savings) which should not be underestimated. I think it is important to figure out what balance is right for the entire family, including him, and to really get to the bottom of why he wants you to get a job (and also to ensure he properly understands the logistical downsides).

No, he doesn't do it all, that's the whole point. Yes, he does pay for it all. But she is doing the grunt work at home that facilitates him being able to pay for it all.

If he wants this situation to change, then they need to communicate what they want to change, what they are prepared to do to facilitate change, and how they are going to do that. And it will take compromise and MORE work, on both sides - for her outside of the home, and for him, inside the home.

Also bluntness, it can be pretty daunting re-entering the workforce, particularly how scathing some can be about SAHP's, and how pessimistic about being able to get work when older, and out of the workforce for quite some time. It might not be a case of 'doesn't want to work', but being scared about whether she'll be able to get work, and if so, what. In short, it's not necessarily a case of laziness. Particularly if you're worried that you're going to be expected to now both work, plus do everything else you did while you were a SAHP.

@WhyOhWine
So I guess what i am saying is that even if you can afford to live on one salary, it is putting a lot of pressure on that person (particularly if you don't have savings) which should not be underestimated.
That's what I hate, the burden on him.

Took me two years to find my school hours job and this year will be the first school holidays and I'm not really sure what's going to happen. I suppose I'll have to take unpaid leave. Hopefully still have a job when I get back! Good luck finding a job.

I would definitely sort out the logistics before you actually think ok I'm just going to go back to work now. Then if you manage to get a job great but I find it really hard taking dd to school working then picking her up everyday although my dh is out the house more than yours but it's still hard. Also I've found my dh didn't magically pick up on the domestic side of things so I'm still doing a lot of that too. If I massively dropped my cleaning standards I suppose I wouldn't have to but I like my clean home!

OP you will get so many different opinions from MN. Mostly from women who either work and will try to encourage you to return to work, or from SAHM who will tell you that you have every right to continue as you are.

What is important is what you and your husband really think about the issue and what has been agreed / implied between you when you got married and decided to have children.

Were you working when you two met? If so it is highly likely that he remembers you as someone who had a career and I imagine he was attracted to that (amongst other reasons obviously).

What often happens when people have their first child is a conversation between both parties to decide what would work best in terms of finances and childcare while the child is really young. The cost of childcare at this young stage is horrendous and couples often decide to sacrifice one salary for a year or two and decide that one person could TEMPORARILY stay at home.
In those circumstances the man firmly believes that his wife has every intention to return to her career once the children reach school age. This is what in his mind has been implied, he remembers his wife as someone who had career ambitions not as someone who wanted to stop working as soon as they are financially comfortable enough not to be employed.

Add to this the fact that most men are surrounded by professional women at work , who just like you have children, housework, family commitments but do work full time and juggle it all somehow.
This is what your husband is (likely) seeing on a daily basis. He doesn’t form his opinion on MN. He forms it based on how he remembers you and what he sees around him.

I can’t tell you what to do or what to think but I encourage you to try and see yourself/ your relationship from your partners point of view and attempt to understand it rather than seek approval on MN to do something that is potentially not in the best interest of your marriage.
If you changed your mindset with regards to work you need to honest with him and clearly explain how YOU would like your marriage to function. He has a right to be disappointed.

Don’t try to avoid the subject by ‘buying’ yourself additional years of staying at home. If this is not your intention be honest with your husband. Otherwise resentment might grow and you couldn’t really blame him for it in years to come. As someone stated above he will have every right to decide this kind of arrangement is not for him and this will leave you in a vulnerable position.