Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

His salary is enough. I don’t need to work for this reason

You need to establish your financial independence though. Get back into the workplace as soon as you can. Not in one of the impossible to find and poorly paying ‘school hours’ jobs, but back to your previous profession. As others have noted, childcare is a shared responsibility.

What about a few evenings or a weekend job? It’s good to get away from the house/chores and would boast your self esteem, also would open his eyes to how much you do in the house.

and when you go back to your previous profession everything gets split 50/50. School drop offs and pick ups. Costs. Preparing school clothes and bags and costumes. Cleaning carpets/bedding/toilets...be best to list all the jobs he will need to be doing to prepare him especially as he lived abroad and I’m assuming had years where he didn’t do a single bit of housework. When was the last time he washed his own underpants OP?

Hi @Zorona I’m a SAHM with two Ds 15 and 12. For context we have no family support nearby and live in a transitional area where people don’t stay for long
I’ve been a SAHM since I was pregnant with DS1. I very firmly believe it is a job.
I do all housework, and family admin. DH does bills. I organise any issues the kids have when sick/with school/car/free time etc etc.
So I look at myself as sort of a house mama her.
Yes I have some down time - Mumsnet, go first walks with friends the occasional coffee. But my DH gets work trips, the commute time to and from work. Lunch breaks. So it really does balance it’s self. And it’s allows us to have a lower stress life.
We had a phase where DH was going on and in about me going back to work. I realized that my younger Ds was the same age as DH had been when his Mum started working again. I pointed that out. I listed all the things I do. And what that enabled him to do.
I explained that housework, childcare (holidays and sick and appointments) would have to be 50/50. Even if I got a part time job - because the house and kids are still there? Still needing emotional and physical Labour. So my perspective is by all means get a job. But not because your contribution isn’t work enough. Because it was, and it still is. Despite the children being at school.

Jobs within school hours, term time, with flexibility for children being off sick etc. are incredibly rare.

My DH is a SAHP and in the 12 years he's done so I have never ever felt the need to comment on how he spends his day or contributes to the family.

You will get a lot of "I have eleventy million children and my DH is abroad for 367 days of the year and I earn £40 squillion by working from home between midnight and 5am because that's what equal partnerships are about" but essentially you need to talk it out with your DH and find out what's going on in his head.

Personally, I think women can make themselves very financially vulnerable by prioritising staying at home. You need to think long term.

Woops house manager not house mama!

But my DH gets work trips, the commute time to and from work. Lunch breaks. So it really does balance it’s self.

It's up to each family how it balances itself of course, but counting a forced stay away from home, commuting and a lunch break as fun time opportunities is stretching things a bit...

I am in a similar situation. Our youngest started school in September. Dh hasn’t outright said he thinks I should go back to work but he obviously thinks I should. And I want to, however, I’ve been out of work for 8 years now and I’m scared!! In addition, I am 100% sure that all things kids and home related will remain my responsibility because no matter what I end up doing DHs job is always going to be the big important job that brings in most of the money. In addition he is away at least a couple of days very week and his schedule is very variable so it would be hard to rely on him to assist with any pick ups etc.
Plus he wants me to get a job but when we’ve spoken about it essentially he would like me to get a job that is term time and school hours only, but also allows me to take holiday in term time so we can still go away then..... yeah ok. So basically he would like me to go back to work but nothing else should change.

I have however since September been working as a lunchtime supervisor. Sure it’s obviously just an hour or so a day but at least it’s something! and I actually really enjoy it. In addition I volunteer a few hours a week as well. I am also planning on starting a bookkeeping course soon.

It’s hard isn’t it. I find myself really conflicted about what to do. We have a nice family life, we can afford for me not to work, however obviously at some point I do need to return!

What about a few evenings or a weekend job? If you dont have to do this, why would anyone? Never having family time and running yourself ragged for a probably low financial benefit.

You need to sit down and discuss it like adults and I think consider what you might do if he really does feel it's time for you to start sharing the financial burden. You will also need to discuss how he will pitch in more at home - possibly taking days off when the DC are ill or during the holidays, helping out more around the house, etc.

When our youngest went to school DH and I had that chat. We'd both assumed that at that point I would start looking for work, so I laid out for him what I wanted to do, what I would be able to earn, and how it would impact us both. Up until that point he was able to work late whenever he needed to, go out with work colleagues after work, travel for work, not worry about anything to do with the DC or our home. The realisation that every bit of that would be up for renegotiation once I was back at work - plus my salary would all be eaten up in holiday childcare fees - made us both have a rethink. Our DC are now Y7 and Y4 and I'm doing a second degree that should allow me to change career to something I've always wanted to do once DS2 starts secondary. But you need to discuss and agree whatever you decide. You are a team, the money coming in and going out is both of your business and so is caring for your DC. How you divvy all that up is entirely up to you.

So basically he would like me to go back to work but nothing else should change I believe most men think like this....I dont believe any man ever sat in work wondering "whats Emily going to be for world book day"!!!!

I think continuing to be a SAHM when kids are in high school is unnecessary and puts you in a vulnerable position should you ever separate, personally would never be so reliant on someone.

As a single mother, you just have to make it work.

In the holidays I had the children of other working families for two weeks of my AL and then this was reciprocated by both sets of the other parents. I did the same with other holidays. I used clubs and after school care when needed.

The only other alternative I had was receiving benefits.

I agree with other pp that the decision to be a SAHP must be a joint decision between partners.

Returning to work or training isn't just about increasing the family income - there are many women returning to work after children whose entire salary goes on childcare and travel to / from work. They return to keep their hand in the career market and to keep their financial independence. Whatever your previous line of work pre-children, it would be a good idea to keep yourself in the work market, even at a low entry level simply so you can prove to employers in the future that you are employable.
Training doesn't have to be heavy-weight or overly expensive - local colleges may be offering courses on updating computer skills, creative writing, languages, first aid - all of which keep the brain ticking and are of course themselves in term time. Then there is volunteering for 3-4 hrs a week. All of which have flexibility for sickness and school holidays.
I totally agree you need to think long term

I'm a SAHM to school age kids. Why?
Eldest has some SEN which means it would be hard and/or expensive to find a childminder who would take him on
Rural area with no before/after school clubs
No family help, so we'd have to cover all inset days, holidays, sick days etc.. Just last week one child was off sick for 3 days, now this week one is off for 2 days (48 hour rule)... it would be stressful and our employers would get fed up fast
I'd probably only earn min wage too, so it'd be a lot of stress for not much more money. I do feel judged a lot but the logistics are not simple for us at all.

I am scared to pay for any courses in case I fail at prospective job and it will be a waste of money.

I was very sorry to read this. I hope that someone can come along soon to suggest things better things but wanted to give your hand a gentle squeeze and reassure you that you are doing well

Maybe look for ways for you to build up your confidence again to be sure that you can enjoy participating in adult life. Being held back by fear is no way to have to live your life. All the very best

The biggest argument for a SAHP to move to at least some work once the youngest is in school is to make themselves at least a little bit independent, financially and emotionally, of the ‘family’. Life moves on and things change. Don’t plan to be that lost and confused person with an empty nest and absolutely nothing to fill it, it’s heartbreaking.

It does sound like you would benefit from your confidence being built up, regardless of finances. Ideally a course and/or a job would do that. What about volunteering to build some confidence and experience?

I was a SAHM until my youngest was nearing the end of year 1. I then found a part time job of 17 hours per week that generally fits in with school (my children only go to after school club one day a week which they love. They want to go more!). To be honest I felt there was no need for me to be at home all day once they were both at school. These days there are many more flexible and part time jobs. I could see that my husband didn't enjoy the pressure of having to earn all the money. I would probably feel a bit fed up if I was your DH too.

You could work evening and weekends. I did.

Evening and weekend work doesn't fit around travel and shift work very well - there's a distinct lack of paid childcare other than standard days.

My DH works 1 in 4 weekends (9am Fri - 5pm Mon)- so I can't get a weekend job...

She could, but I understand why it’s really not an appealing option at all.

Up with the kids, getting them ready, school run, back home, yes some time to yourself then, back out for kids, sorting homework, uniforms, dinner, baths, packed lunches for tomorrow, kids sorted, off to work for Mum.

No time with her husband and no time with the kids at weekends.

Sure, if it’s the alternative to a house being repossessed, or a six month arrangement to pay off debts, go for it. Otherwise, that’s just misery, isn’t it?

However, there is a broader point to this. Some of the posts on here indicate it’s next to impossible to work if you have children, but of course that isn’t true. What is true is that it’s two jobs - caring and providing. If you are at work, you need to pay someone else to do the care, and if it’s a low paid job, then that isn’t worth your while. So some couples decide that one will do all the caring (nearly always the woman) and the other will do all the providing (usually the man.)

It’s depressing and sad it’s still the case in 2020.

But my DH gets work trips, the commute time to and from work. Lunch breaks. So it really does balance it’s self.

Wow. Not even remotely similar. Your husband doesn't get to pick his work trips and when he goes. He doesn't get to choose how long the commute takes. My commute makes me the worst possible version of myself. Doesn't exactly relax me like coffee with a friend would! Lunch breaks, I can't wait to spend an hour at my workplaces choosing worrying that I've got to be back on time. I realise none of that is your problem but to compare the two is 🤯

OP, work if you want not if you don't! If the kids are 10+ you might want to go back to work to meet new people but if they're younger I can't see the harm in SAH

It’s depressing and sad it’s still the case in 2020.

What is?

In reality, finding work that fits in school hours, that gives time off for holidays and that's absolutely fine about taking random days off for kids' illness or school plays is pretty well impossible. Not forgetting that if op is out at work then the chores would still need to be done. Something has to give somewhere so if it's not necessary from a financial point of view and op is happy to accept the negative impact on their career then it doesn't make much sense.