Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

OH still respected and appreciated me. Thanked me after every parent's evening. Send soppy thankful texts about DD so well and being such a good child or the flat looking nice or whatever. I could've stayed home for much longer with no judgement or resentment and full access to finances and having a say in everything.

There are other reasons why I looked into getting back into work mostly related to the future,pension, if OH won't be able to work anymore etc.

I actually found one of those rare mythical jobs, the downside being that the pay is very low. And sometimes it really drags me down and I feel like I'm going to go bonkers but the benefits(for DD in particular) outweigh the bad stuff. I have all holidays off, I can do the school run , I'm home enough to help with homework/spellings/reading without rushing, if her school is randomly shut I can take her in with me, I've never been told no when I got a call to go and pick her up because she's not ok,minimum childcare needed.

It really really works for us at the moment, but I realise I was ridiculously lucky, rather than jobs like that being a dime a dozen,all you have to do is look for it.

If your dh doesn't respect you and value your sah role he won't be content with a pt job, he will still think he does more, but equally he won't want to facilitate you going back to work.

Twilight there's nothing wrong with low paid work (I've done plenty of it!). But there is a lot wrong with a woman giving up a career (or her opportunities to build a career) in order to care for shared children and then being expected to do low paid work that is not at all stimulating for her, just because the DH (who has enjoyed the opportunity to career build while having someone at home to cover all the drudgery of looking after small DC) thinks she should.
Now while I agree that sah has to be jointly agreed I also strongly believe that the SSH should not be disadvantaged by that joint decision. So yes, if he's bring a snarky twat then it's definitely time to look for work, but it should be meaningful work that the OP actually wants to do. The DH can't have his cake and eat it, do OP needs to be very clear that yes, she will do this but he now needs to pull his full weight and facilitate that. She shouldn't get lumbered with a shit job that will mean she still has to do all the house/child work at home.

I agree it's much easier to be at home when the DC are young and if your dp earns enough that you don't need that hassle of putting the DC in clubs etc, then why would you? I have 3dc and youngest is now 5, I've been working a very part time job since he was in nursery that fits in with school hours/holidays. Perhaps something like that might suit? It's only a small income but it's something's we wouldn't otherwise have I actually enjoy it. All the house work and most the child commitment falls to me, such as activities after school, but I don't mind as I get time in-between.

I think the problem here is twofold.

Firstly, who makes decisions about the home and children? SAHP often think that as they are at home that is their fiefdom. Fine, if both partners have equal standards and ideas, less so if they don’t. Remember, if you were both working and sharing/subcontracting the housework and childcare, you would have equal say in this.

Secondly, divorce can always happen. Then, generally, the SAHP feels the right to half the assets but is very unwilling to give up half the parenting (and often, the nice comfortable family home) and can make the case that it is in the children’s interest that the WOHP keeps paying but loses time with their children, very unfair.

If both parties are happy and the relationship lasts and especially if one is a high earner, a SAHP can work brilliantly but, in this day and age, it is a high risk strategy.

I think that if you are to remain a stay at home parent you both need to outline exactly what you expect of one another.

OP please remember that any childcare should be costed from both salaries, not just yours. I see so many posts saying that their wages don't cover childcare, but don't seem to consider that childcare is required in order for both of you to work.

I stayed at home for almost 6 years and have gone back full time in the last year and I'm surprised by how much I've enjoyed it and how much better it makes me feel about myself. Juggling sick days etc is stressful of course, but massively outweighed IMO by the overall benefits of working. Plus it's nice not to feel dependent. You might be surprised by how much you would feel you benefit from working.

I’ve gone back to work after ten years. Two of my three children have disabilities. One has very complex needs. I’ve found a rare job in term time over 3 days. In terms of chores and domestic work my husband will do the occasional bit of ironing but to be honest everything else has stayed the same. I’m working 20 hours a week and still carry the domestic and mental load.

The problem is peony let’s imagine DH earns 40,000 and DW earns 20,000. Take home pay is 2300 for DH, 1200, for DW. Full time nursery for two children is £1800. Now OK, we can post on MN until the cows come home that DH should pay it because he earns more, or at the very least half, but it doesn’t change the fact that as a household, they are running a deficit of £600, even if DH pays the nursery bill in its entirety.

Larrygrylls I absolutely agree with your statement about the asset/custody division in many divorce cases.

I actually think men who agree to be the only income providers and work long hours/ days away from family while allowing the woman to stay at home often put themselves in vulnerable position.
If the marriage ends in divorce the woman is often advised to ‘take him to the cleaners’, becomes the resident parent (as the children need continuity and that’s what they are used to). The man ends up with limited access to his own children, has to pay maintenance (because the wife ‘sacrificed’ the career to be a SAHP, whether that was mutually agreed or imposed on the man) and often is the one who needs to vacate the family home.
No one really benefits in this scenario. Both parties lose, whether that’s financially with women ending up reliant on benefits and maintenance, or emotionally with fathers perceived as the less important or less credible parent and with limited custody.

When marriage works the SAHP/ working parent arrangement can work great.

When marriage fails (over 50% chance of this happening nowadays) both parties become victims of their own arrangement - one is unable to be financially independent and provide for their own children and the other is not seen as equal parent but continues holding financial responsibility for everyone involved.

Hows about school dinner lady?

of course people rarely factor in the cost of no investment in pensions in those years or the cost of your skills depreciating whilst out of the labour market, I suppose it makes some sense when you have a tangible month to month childcare cost loss, but over time the accumulated pension and skill losses stack up.

I am a single mum and I work full time - I manage with an au pair, but I also don’t miss out on birthday parties, play dates and school meetings. I’m not sure why it’s been suggested by a PP that you need a SAHP to facilitate those things?

I see lots of people on MNs say it's too hard to work because DH does X,Y,Z. Personally I find this not true for myself & my peers. The vast majority of us work part-time & have flexi hours & or the option to wfh. Lots of our DHs also have the ability to wok remotely. If my child is ill on Tuesday, I work Thursday instead. We all manage holidays by having 6 wks minimum of annual leave, some clubs & the ability to wfh, unpair leave, etc.
You outsource cleaning, maintenance etc so weekend is free time. It doesn't have to be super stressful, mad rushing around.

Depends on your job, I suppose

Some bloody pathetic excuses on here for not actually going back to work when children are at school.

DH earns 40,000 and DW earns 20,000. Take home pay is 2300 for DH, 1200, for DW. Full time nursery for two children is £1800.

The thing is though those childcare costs are not forever. You can get tax free childcare & then claim the 30 hours which helps. Also why is the DW only earning 20k in a full time role? When I gave up my career after DC1 I worked 2 days a week in a new role. My salary was less than childcare, however 1.5 yrs on I earn double that.

@whysthepoweroff That's a very good point, and absolutely when non school age children are involved, that would be a very bitter pill to swallow. However I believe the OP now has school age children, which should mean that the childcare costs are reduced. Of course school holidays don't help, and sick days etc are stressful to manage. But there are numerous other advantages to working and I have been pleasantly surprised by these non financial benefits.

You do know plenty of people work full time and get 20k, surely?

@locoroco you seriously can't see why other parents/women might not be so lucky as to have flexible jobs and their partners too? Or earn enough to outsource jobs around the house?

Don’t you want to work for you?
Maybe it won’t be possible to find something that works round the kids but your OP sounds a bit like you’ve discounted it without even trying. Obviously depends on your kids but I find that breakfast club is no biggie for my (sensitive) child - they actually prefer the more chilled drop off then being brought to to their class bu the club staff rather than lining up in the playground - whereas they did struggle with after school club a bit more but were happier with a childminder.
I found a half full time post job which I intially did 2.5 days so only 2 longer days needing wrap around care. Now all kids are at school I spread it over 4 short days.
I know it’s not easy to find the right thing but it is out there.
Mum friends at school who didn’t already have a ‘profession’ have got back into work as carers, childminders, working at the school as TA/lunchtime supervisor, admin jobs, local cafe or supermarket.

When I say ‘for you’ I don’t mean self employed, I mean for your own benefit, your confidence, etc. I also love the social aspect of working.

You do know plenty of people work full time and get 20k, surely?

Why is that relevant? My point was the disparity between the dh full time income & the dws.

you seriously can't see why other parents/women might not be so lucky as to have flexible jobs and their partners too?

Of course I can see that but the narrative on MNs is far too often that these jobs don't exist. Lots of companies champion flexible & remote working regardless if their workforce are parents are not. Maybe it's a generational thing?

Or earn enough to outsource jobs around the house? Imo if your DH earns enough so you can afford not to work then he must earn enough to facilitate you working eg childcare, training, outsourcing etc.

Loco believe me, I know, but this is a reality reflected in numerous households up and down the country.

In feminism chat or in AIBU I’d go off on one as to why that is, but in relationships it’s helping the OP, or trying to. I will say that it disturbs me and I don’t think it’s healthy, though.

I did part-time when they were very young and the went full-time when I felt they were a bit more capable.

It was bloody chaos my husband was supposed to step up but did not! It was difficult to challenge him as is a high earner and with all the stress that comes with that kind of job.

The kids lived off takeaways and I was folding washing past midnight most nights!

I have now returned to part-time!

I stay at home. Always have. The difference is that I'm a director with my husband of our own company. I pay taxes, I get dividends, I pay national contributions and I do a small amount of admin. I own 50% of everything.
I feel that I'll be really vulnerable if things changed between us. That's the trouble of not working. I contribute to a pension too.