Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

That the default is woman stay at home, man go out to work, Notso

That the default is woman stay at home, man go out to work

I think that's changing though. Certainly most SAHPs are female but there are a few families on this thread where the SAHP is male. It's just about who is the higher earner, and that does tend to be the man in a hetero relationship, which is perhaps a whole other issue of sexism. Or not, it's all interlinked.

Yep, you need to have a chat.
Find out if he is resentful and wants you back at work.
If he does he has to understand that once that happens he is responsible for 50% of household chores.
He is responsible for taking time off of his work to do childcare in holidays and when they are sick.
He has to take back some of the mental load, i.e. insurance, car maintenance, repairs, birthday presents, parties, Christmas, holiday bookings, etc.....
If he agrees to that and follows through then all will be well and good and you can get your career back on track.
Let's see what he says to all that first!?

Thank you I just read all your reply’s. Some things for me to think about. Finallyhere, your post made me well up !

That is what I find concerning mossy, that these huge disparities within incomes exist and almost always in the favour of the man.

Yes, there are some on this thread but overall, SAHPs who are fathers are very low percentage wise.

When I first went back to work when DCs were nearly 1 and 4 I found a job 0800-1200 five days a week. We used breakfast club and nursery.
Going back to work made me me again, not just DCs Mum. It maintained the skills I had trained for 3 years and worked for 5 years after qualifying to get. Not working makes me miserable, and we can see how your confidence has been affected, OP.
I would urge you to look for something, maybe just mornings (so much easier in the hols to get cover for half days). It will boost your confidence and give you more to talk about at home.

I’m going to tentatively put my hand up and say that it’s working for us.

It wasn’t straightforward getting to this point. I didn’t want to be a sahm, that happened through circumstance.
Good communication is important and getting on the same page about what’s important as a family.

The “facilitated men” threads in feminist chat helped me to understand and articulate what dh was getting out of the arrangement, and to appreciate my contribution to the family. Once I was clear on this it was easier to discuss and evaluate the alternatives.

When I started taking my role seriously, it had a knock on effect of him taking me more seriously too. We didn’t plan for this, so we had to catch up on our financial planning and future proofing.

Equal access to money and equal leisure time is our approach. I think that would have to apply regardless of what each of us earned.

We have a comfortable lifestyle. Weekends and evenings are relaxed because we’re not fitting chores and maintenance in.

Dh doesn’t want to do my job, and is grateful not to have to. I don’t want to deal with his awkward clients. So there’s a fundamental appreciation and respect there.

But, I still think that if I were bringing in money it would change something at a fundamental level in our relationship. And it gnaws at me a bit.

You’re always going to find people who will defend your desire to stay at home. But the main consideration is, is it working for both of you? If it’s not working for your husband, you need to bear in mind that he’s not tied to you for life, and you’re especially vulnerable as a SAHM without your own income, if he decided to divorce you. A PP said both parties have to agree that both should go out to work, but that’s not really true - if your husband decides he doesn’t want to support you as a SAHM, he doesn’t have to. He’ll have to pay child maintenance, but it might not be enough to live comfortably without having to find a job anyway.

So you need to discuss it with him, and yes, to make it clear that he would have a considerable amount of slack to pick up if you both work. If he’s willing to do this, happily, then you should do your best to find a job, in my opinion.

Of course, if he then expects you to contribute to half the bills leaving you with a pittance, that’s another problem. Only you can say if he’s likely to do this.

It is possible, if there is mutual appreciation and respect for what each party is contributing to the smooth functioning of the family unit - as opposed to resentment and contempt.

What I tend to find is that it can be quite annoying and tedious dealing with outside parties inability to respect such an arrangement and constant need to undermine and query its longevity based on their experience, their friends experience, their friend's cousin's childminder's experience. . .

Anyone who's a SAHP - don't forget about your pension.

OP, I'd urge you to do some training, either with a view to it helping you find paid work, or as a hobby. Getting away from the house regularly will do your mind no end of good. It'll give you achievements to show your DC (not that you need yo prove your worth) and give you something new to chat about with DH.
Or volunteer. Very fulfilling and can sometimes lead to paid employment that might fit with your family life.

Go back to work full time. But make sure you are dividing the housework, school pick ups and drop offs etc between you equally (as in if he can't do any drop offs maybe he needs to do all the pick ups and go in/leave half an hour early). It will be much harder work for both of you than the set up you have now. If it's too much then maybe he can reduce his hours to have a bit of this 'sitting around the house' (as if?) which will probably be good for him if he's feeling that things are unequal or unfair.

That is what I find concerning mossy, that these huge disparities within incomes exist and almost always in the favour of the man

Agreed. Imho it's often down to

• more men working in highly paid sectors eg STEM
• men getting paid more to do the equivalent work

But how to change that?

Could you do some volunteering in a school? It could lead to paid work

So I'm the one working and DH is the SAHP

One thing not to underestimate is the worry & burden of being the only earner. It does suit us to have DH stay at home at the minute, and financially it makes sense, but even then, I still worry a lot about how I need to keep my job at all costs, because our entire income depends on it.

And the person who thinks commuting & business travel are equivalent to mumsnetting & going out for coffees obviously hasn't done much of either

Just to back up @mbosnz (hi hon), it can work and as the working parent I don't feel any resentment towards my SAH partner -- I'm hugely appreciative that I haven't lifted a significant finger around the house in years, and Lord knows it's made the kid's lives immeasurably better. I certainly hope that she feels that!

It isn't the situation we planned for, it came about through a perfect storm of circumstances and decisions that have left us in a position where it's very difficult for DW to get back into the workforce, but also where it's financially viable for us if she doesn't work.

The person it's most hard on is DW. Me and kids do nothing but benefit from it.

'yes, I get down time to go on walks with my friends, but he gets the commute to and from work, so it balances out'

I think I'm just about to have a wee moment. Thanks ibos. Steak and a BJ coming your way . . .

(What an emoji that could be. . .)

I see both viewpoints here.

I can see why DH feels resentful - he thinks you have six hours a day to yourself and he gets nothing like that. He's at work 10+ hours, plus a commute (which is exhausting in itself) and during the weekends is presumably expected to join in with family time/running kids to activities. When does he get 30 hours to do what he wants?

But alternatively you're also doing all the housework, school runs, shopping for uniforms an all sorts. It's not easy to run a house with two children even if they are at work. He has the luxury of not having to worry about any of that, whereas most working parents have to come home and cook dinner, tidy, do bath/bed, sort laundry etc.

Would it be of interest to you to look up some free courses?
Alison
Reed.co.uk
Openlearn
Futurelearn
You could also check out Women returners for help and advice.

Would you consider teaching a class for kids maybe Art/Lego/dance. My kids have done lots of these classes and they loved them. The teachers had no qualifications either in most cases. It is possible to buy a franchise too if you had some money to invest.

And the person who thinks commuting & business travel are equivalent to mumsnetting & going out for coffees obviously hasn't done much of either

But it's infinitely more enjoyable than toddler taming and scrubbing toilets (IMHO).

Work outside the home is good for women.There is a lot of research to support this. How will you contribute to a pension if you do not have a job? The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get a job. You will still be maintaining that your children need a SAHP when they are at secondary school and what about when they go to university/ leave home?
You need to establish some kind of working presence outside the home, even if it is just a few hours in the evenings or at weekends. It will give you confidence to apply for better jobs.
You can do this. Imagine what your life might be like in ten years time if you still haven't got a job and with your children about to go to university? Your children will worry about you and you might end up with depression. If you divorce you will have to work. Ease yourself in gradually and you may well find that you enjoy it.

I work 3 days a week over 4 days now DC both at school. Breakfast club and after school club twice a week. Holiday clubs for some of the holidays.

It can be made to work and WOH really boosts my confidence - it sounds like you need some of that op. I’d think and talk it through with an open mind.

if you know in your heart your DH doesn't respect a SAHP to school aged kids @Zorona you need to make a plan to get back to a job that you can manage with the childcare constraints you face etc. Whatever anyone says about what our DH's think of us as SAHP etc, what comes across in your op is that your DH doesn't respect you and that is a situation that has to change as it is relationship poison and risky for you to carry on like this.

No it's not easy, but you say you're scared to pay for a course in case you then fail to get a job - that's fear talking and not reason. Look into the course and make a good plan. You probably won't get the first several jobs you go for as most of us don't but that's not a reason not to make and execute a plan and doesn't mean the course is a failure, even if you end up having to do 2 courses etc you'll be better off thank sticking your head in the sand.

ps agree you sound like you've no confidence, and the longer you go on at home with no external validation and a DH that doesn't convey respect for you, the worse it'll get.