Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

I would love to go back to work. I'm a sahm to my 7 year old and my husband does not want me going back to work as he is not prepared to do any childcare if child is sick or stay of work in the holidays as his job is "very important" and he will leave his job if I do and get in his words "a dead end job,and we will loose the house" he goes away with work allot as well. So it's crap really. I'm very aware I have a husband problem.

If you have skills that mean you can apply for part time work this can provide an opportunity for him to take over some of the unpaid home chores and step up in supporting childcare.
It can be beneficial for you to work part time (and be SAHM part time) to hold onto your hard earned work skills. You may want to stay part time or you could return to full time work when children older.
It is a break from the mummy / carer role for you when at work.

staying in the workplace provides an important female role model to your children that ' sisters are doin' it for themselves.'

Sorry cross posted with lots of people!

He worked abroad for a long time when kids were little so that’s why I had to give up work at that time. Well I didn’t have to but it would have been very tiring to do everything and work

If you go back to work is he going to pick up the slack of household and childcare responsiblities. If not, then he is being unreasonable.

I haven’t actually had this conversation with him. It is something I will do now

When my children were younger I’ve worked in the evening in a bar/restaurant. It means that I’m still home during the day and the 2/3 evenings I’m out a week dh is home with the children. So we had no problems with childcare as one of us was always home.

The problem is depending on the type of job and the location that the ft worker is doing if the other goes to work then it still be uneven.

Who is going to do the school run if you are both in work by 9am, who collects ifyouu are both in work till 6pm and have a commute each way.

Who gets the children to and from after school activities?
Is each of you going to share the housework or do the life admin

Yes you can get childminders and cleaners but they cost money and even if you split everything evenly if you are spending more than sahp earns then it might not be financially viable one.
Then the children miss out on after school activities, play dates and birthday parties.
So after tax, and commute costs etc the income would have to make it worthwhile to actually go and get a job

If you are happy at home and the children are benefitting, going to work and earning a pittance and being miserable in a job you hate is not going to end well and divorce costs a fortune

WOuld this suit?

I know a few o5er mums who work these hours in different jobs, eg supermarkets, carers, nurses...

I read this threads and often think that the DH involved has got absolutely no idea how his life will change if their partner went back to work. Spell it out to him OP about pick ups/drop offs, arrangements when they're sick, holidays (of which there are loads as you know), inset days ….. then mention the 50/50 split of EVERYTHING in the house - laundry, meal planning/food shopping/cooking, cleaning, paperwork, kids appointments, gardening, diy, …… etc etc.

I know loads of people obv manage with two working out of the home, but they have to have a supportive partner who is willing to step up.

I work 3 days a week and have done since my DCs were tiny, and because of this I am more than happy to do most of the household stuff as I am here a lot more. DH is very aware that this set up has enabled him to build up his own business without a lot of worry/stress about kids and home life. Plus his very supportive helpful parents have obv played a huge part in this.

Definitely have the conversation with him OP - I'm glad this thread has made you decide to do that. Share your worries with him (what happens when the children are ill? School holidays?) and see if he has any ideas. Be open to his opinions.

Also, why not start looking for jobs, just to see what's around? Again, be open with your DH so that he's aware that you are thinking about this. I think the resentment arises when you're not communicating properly or seeing the other person's point of view.

Thing is, yes, it’s hard to get back into the workforce and to make the choice between using wrap around childcare or trying to find a school hours only job. But if the person who is working full time to support you resents it and loses respect for you, is that any better? And can you really expect to never work again because you’ve had children? The sooner you get back into work, the easier it will be. And even if you couldn’t earn much to start with, see it as an investment in your future - This is why women go back to work after maternity leave, even when childcare takes huge chunk of their wages.

Ok. So you find yourself the holy grail of 10am until 2pm term time only job. What happens if one of your kids goes down with chicken pox and needs a week off school? Who manages that? Is he going to split “sick leave” with you? Because if you’re expected to sort out the house, all the school stuff, take time off work for sick kids/inset days then that’s a big fat fucking no. Does he want a pint of blood to go along with that?
I think the first thing is to pose that chicken pox question to him. Plus you’ve said he worked abroad when the kids were little. Fucking A for him eh? Bet he had lovely long sleeps and child free dinners. My advice would be to tot up all of the nights he was away from home when the kids were at their hardest. Now, add up the number of daytimes you’ve been at home without kids since your youngest started school. What do those numbers look like?

Oh and when you have your chat you need to say that when you go back to work, the housework/child work will all be listed and the jobs split in half so when does he envisage fitting in his share of cleaning the shit off the toilets

You need to discuss it repeatedly to check you are both on the same page.

I've had a bit of a wobble recently (probably read too many MN threads) but had a chat with DH and we both agreed this is totally the best option for our family at the moment. Originally I was going to return to work to put DC1 through university. However DH's job required him to work away Mon-Fri and financially things improved to mean this was no longer necessary.

I feel I have his full support and respect, he has done as much as possible to make me feel secure too.

You have to talk about this and figure out what works as a family. Tbf, I think I’d be pretty annoyed if I was out doing 11 hour days while dh was at home all day while dc are in school.

It’s absolutely possible to work with school age children if both of you put in the time and effort to parenting. We both work full time and we don’t use wraparound care. One of us is there for every school tea and sports day and drama club play. We do have a lot of flexibility (can work from home and dh is self employed). But flexible working is possible for dads too. If you got a job that meant you had to work til 5, then a mix of after school club and dh’s flexible working (he leaves early to do school run) would do it.

Mine loves holiday club and then we both use annual leave to cover school holidays as needed.

being a stay at home parent needs to be with both parents agreement

Both going out to work has also got to be with both parents agreement.

I agree that you should have a serious chat with your dh. Both of you have to be in agreement about you being a SAHM
However, you have to make it clear to your dh, that he has to step up to the plate and do his own share of domestic chores, housework etc. Some men underestimate how difficult it is to keep a home running effectively.
Tbh, if I was in your position I would be looking for work and then make sure that your dh does his fair share

@mindutopia We both work full time and we don’t use wraparound care.

So what do you do? - and if you say you leave early or "work from home" to cover childcare then this is not working full time. It's certainly not going to be an option in most of the jobs available to the unspecifically-trained long-term unemployed.

mindutopia

What happens if only one person has flexible working and the other doesn’t or are they then responsible for doing everything.

What happens if neither can do flexible working.

If you and you dh had to be both at work for 9am and couldn’t leave till 5pm at the earliest and you were an hours commute away then you would have to use childcare and it isn’t free

The reason for having a SAHP with school age children flips from financial to logistical...

First year of school is often messy with absences - DC1 is in reception and has had several vomiting bugs and chicken pox in 1 and a half terms - having spent all of last year doing mornings in the same classroom. She has shared many of these presents with DH and her younger sibling (I seem to be more resistant so far). She is also quite tough with colds - has been fine with colds that have floored DH, DC2 and me... trying to sustain 2 jobs through the first term would have been impossible without a nanny!

Summer born DC can't do most holiday clubs as childcare for their first year - they have to be 5 to have more than 4 hours - again making childcare logistics complicated - they have to go to nursery based holiday clubs.

Also schools away from standard commuter areas have spotty wrap around care - my DC's school has after school club to 6pm 2 days, 5pm 1 day and none (so collect by 3.10) the other 2. Getting a job that fits that pattern would be hard even without a commute, nearly impossible with a commute.

If the working parent is willing/able to flex their hours to allow the other parent some freedom in their job hunt it could work, but without that option (shift work, lack of flexibility, frequent travel) there's definitely a need to balance the logistical headaches with the desire to work.

I'm currently a SAHP, DH has an inflexible job and we are moving in the hope of making the logistics of getting back to work possible!

Its incredibly hard to find a job that takes into account the school day + all the half terms/ holidays.
You either have to earn enough to cover the childcare or have an extremely flexible employer.

I do think a lot of the time when a woman goes back to work she shoulders all the childcare related items- she may pull the husband into "help" but as it's still the woman thinking about the logistics of young children in school. So I appreciate why most women cant face going back to work when the kids are little, assuming they have a choice.

I was a SAHM for 8 years. When my youngest started school my DH said in an ideal world I would get a part time job to help with finances although we could manage just on his salary. I was very lucky to get a part time admin job in the village where we live working 14 hours over 3 days. I still managed to do all the school drop offs and pick ups and go to all the school assemblies. My DCs didn’t have to go to holiday clubs as am very fortunate to have my in-laws around the corner who would have them in holiday time. I was very fortunate though as have a very understanding and flexible employer and the job is very local to where I live. It has increased my confidence going back to work though and I feel that if I had to go back to full time work when the children are older I could. I realise jobs like mine aren’t easy to find though. I agree if you haven’t got as much flexibility or support your DH will need to recognise he will have to do his fair share if the DCs are ill or need picking up early etc.

You mentioned being afraid to take a course due to failure. What makes you think you would fail?