Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

It is a huge responsibility to be the sole earner in a household.
I was a SAHM, but went back to work (part time) when my DH was made redundant.
Fortunately, he, also found another job, so we were 2 incomes (or actually 1 and a half), out of which some childcare costs had to be taken.
Like most parents (usually the mother), I returned to work part time, and earlier than I possibly would have done, with DH redundancy.
One thing I noticed, is that the longer you are a SAHP, the greater the lack of confidence in returning to work.
Yes, those early years are dominated by child care; days off for sick children; sports days, etc.
However, my DH cooperated in staggering our hours, so we could share school drop off and pick up as much as possible.
It is not easy, but if you have no qualifications, then use this time to retrain

Beans I would tighten the law to say that nrp can't go 50/50 just to avoid paying. (I also think a lot of men threaten women with that as a means to control them but wouldn't actually want to be held to 50/50).
If they agreed to have a sahp then that should come with the full acceptance of it potentially affecting the ability of their partner to easily get back into the workplace. Therefore I would compel them legally to financially assist the sahp retrain or update their existing qualifications.
I think you'd have to have some court checks in place to stop people from not really trying to retrain.
It might have the effect of reducing the number of couples who have a sahp to those who truly view it as a joint benefit and are willing to commit to it legally. At the very least it would mean that couples have to be clear with each other about the expectations each party has.

I think most women can work with young children if their partner/husband can actually be bothered to do his fair share of the childcare and domestic tasks.

I can't imagine working full time and doing ALL drop off/pick ups, cooking, homework, bath/bed time and cleaning on top. Plus 10p other things. Unless you're earning well for a nanny, it's near exhausting taking that all on.

The thing is say one parent earns 120k & the other "only" earns 30k. That's approx 6k & 2k, imo the 2k still makes a difference to the household.

Oliversmumsarmy

Even the ones who on the face of it are coming home from school and getting their homework done are working their way through the parents alcohol

Generalizing much?

I would tighten the law to say that nrp can't go 50/50 just to avoid paying

How do you separate that from the fathers who genuinely just want their children as much as possible though? We started off with 50/50 and we now have my SC most of the time. We shouldn't have paid maintenance when we did 50/50 as we genuinely did do 50% (and more as it ended up) of the care. I'm not sure how you could differentiate between someone who did it just so they didn't have to pay and someone who genuinely just wants their kids as much as possible.

I think it's often a case as well that most women (myself included) would not have agreed to let their husband be the SAHP instead of them. I know I want to be the one at home with my kids when they are young. How many of us could seriously say that we would have agreed to our Husbands becoming the SAHP and us going to work? It is certainly more often the women that stay home, but how many of us would have it any other way really?

I'm also conflicted like you OP. Currently SAHM, a carer, studying for a professional qual, run a small business and working very PT. I'm absolutely haggared and i'm afraid a stressed mum. Not what I want for my kids.

For context, we both started out working, me during the day and him in the evenings. Then after multiple kids and him working full time, 7am to 6pm Mon-Fri, it just wasn't working so I gave up. Initially we were both happy with the arrangement because I could concentrate on being a sahm and carer.

In my naivety I thought I would be getting some time for myself from caring duties whilst kids are at school/nursery. Things like coffee breaks, walk in the park or window shopping. This wasn't everyday mind. Maybe once a week. But my DH resented it and used to repeat over and over again about staying at home and cleaning and cooking because obviously that's why I left work. I still cooked and clean btw. The more we argued, and reading lots on MN about the importance of women having their own money, the more I convinced myself that I could manage working and planned my future by doing all the other stuff. He's still not willing to adjust his working to fit around kids etc.
I've learnt the hard way that I can't realistically manage everything. I've had to miss days off of my course and work because of illnesses and appointments; School doesn't cater for DD before and after care;. 2 different school runs; Out of school and weekend clubs and above all very chaotic home life. Plus I'm exhausted.
I've made DH do more in the evenings and weekends with household stuff when he is also exhausted and has a heart condition.

I've been offered a job in September, which although kinda fits around the kids school times, it requires me to be there till 4pm most days. Who picks up the kids? Who.attends apps? Is at home for illnesses? Is at home to supervise building work? (this is currently a major thing right now). Will I have the energy to do therapies for my SEN DD after school?
So we've been talking, really talking and he agrees that I need to stay home, bit I've told him I'm not putting up with any of hiss nonsense and disrespect. I've got him, finally, after all these years to see how valuable my time at home is.
Now I just need to convince myself. I may keep my PT job to keep my hands in the work place.

I think the courts would be pretty good at determining who genuinely wanted 50/50. If there was no material advantage and they still had to financially assist the sahp,bit might weed out the ones who didn't just want more time with their dc.
I agree that of the people who want to sah, it is usually women - I think that's biologically driven for the most part and isn't something women should feel (or be made to feel) ashamed of.
I wanted to do it when my DC were very small, although initially I did woh and only sah when having my second DC. Once past that very tiny stage I would swap with DH if I could earn what he earns. I chose to work in the public sector and he didn't so that was never on the cards really.
I do feel sorry that he hasn't been able to sah too for a bit.

I too don't think women should be ashamed of wanting to sah with young children either. I'm just pointing out what often gets forgotten, that 9/10 the woman would never have entertained the idea of the man being the one to stay home so yes whilst it's true that as a society it is still mainly women giving up careers for babies etc... Would most of them really have had it any other way?

It is certainly more often the women that stay home, but how many of us would have it any other way really?

If it had made sense then sure. For us it just happened that career wise it was more sensible for ex-H to continue to work.

Who picks up the kids? Who.attends apps? Is at home for illnesses? Is at home to supervise building work? (this is currently a major thing right now).

Finishing at 4 is very workable. After school club or childminder for DC. Most appointments are available until at least 5.30 so time to get to those. Illness is a pita but many workplaces allow a certain number of days per year otherwise it is unpaid leave. With a generally healthy child, you are talking about the occasional day or two. When we had builders, they arrived before we left for work then we had to leave them to it.

And for all those posters saying if single/lone parents can juggle work and family life then why can't parents of school aged children. Well whooppdy fuckin' doo for them!
T
Others aren't single; they're in a partnership. They're not only raising children but also supporting a partner, whether by working and bringing in an income or by staying home and supporting everyone.
I really don't get the comparison:
One is a single parent family and the other a partnership. Very different circumstances.

Unless you're suggesting that the OP should act like she's single and work and balance family life and pretend partner doesn't exist? Why should she?

If that is the case, that she ends up working and doing all family stuff then fuck me. Why should she continue living with a 'partner'? She would be a 'single' parent with a flatmate that she does everything for.

@DippyAvocado
I mentioned I have multiple children. I mentioned before and after care isn't possible for my SEN DD. Very few childminders cater for it. And I still would be tired and haggered. Is the pay off really worth it?

Like I mentioned before, if I was a single parent I'd find a way to make it work. But I'm not. Not yet any way

Honestly Jacques I think you're in the minority if you honestly would have happily had your husband be the SAHP (if your jobs had made it feasible). I do believe that most women prefer to be the ones to stay at home whether or not their husbands job was better paid or not.

I do believe

Belief is not fact.

I didn't say it was.

So what makes you think women would want to stay home over their husbands?

Where have you picked up any evidence for this? Is it credible? Or just what you've read in the history books?

I could have stayed home at least for a few years. I had 2 long maternity leaves (14m each) & honestly I was looking forward to getting back to work. I work pt as that fits my life better but honestly I'm more stressed & less productive on the days I have the dc.

To answer you question, yes, in many cases. My exH thought I walked on water because of my high flying job. Couldn't wait to introduce me as yellow, who works at ....... all very impressed apparently!

Then 8 years as a SAHM and I was put down and treated like dirt.

He's gone and New DH is a treasure

I agree I think if most women answered honestly they would prefer to have been the one to stay home. I know I would have been upset if my husband had been the one to stay home with the children.

The thing is say one parent earns 120k & the other "only" earns 30k. That's approx 6k & 2k, imo the 2k still makes a difference to the household

What happens with 2 children’s nursery fees
Or wrap around care. Friend works as a childminder. Years ago she was charging £5 per hour per child.
Given most parents were dropping children at 7am ad picking up at 7pm then with 2 children you can pretty much kiss goodbye to the lower income. Add in commuting costs and other expenses and it becomes too costly

@Oliversmumsarmy it was about walking teenagers to school and now it's about childcare costs 🙄.

Others have explained that the value of working can't be measured truly by childcare costs as these cease after a while and women out of work can find it harder to break back in after a while.

Too costly not to go back to work imo.

We drop at 8am and collect at 5pm. Wrap around care for 2 children in this are (SE) is around £500-£600 a month so it wouldn't eradicate a £30k salary by any stretch. Obviously there is holiday cover too but most people use a combination of annual leave and swaps with friends.

Childcare is only very expensive for a fairly short period of time. Obviously it's never cheap but it is less expensive after a point.

There are hidden benefits to working such as pension and NI contributions to be taken into account as well plus obviously the benefit of retaining a current skill set and things like continuity of service etc. Long term things like pension will have significant value.

Everyone has to make the decision that's right for them in their own situation but I'd say that someone earning a £30k salary absolutely would make a significant contribution to the family pot even with childcare taken into account.

What happens with 2 children’s nursery fees
Or wrap around care. Friend works as a childminder. Years ago she was charging £5 per hour per child.
Given most parents were dropping children at 7am ad picking up at 7pm then with 2 children you can pretty much kiss goodbye to the lower income. Add in commuting costs and other expenses and it becomes too costly

Childcare costs don't last forever though & most people who have more than 1 space them out &/or have a nanny. We pay about £900 a month & use a childminder for 1dc (3 days) & some after school activities for the one in school. We would pay for the as activities anyway as he enjoys them & it frees up our weekend.
I've never needed care from 7-7 & live in Zone 2/3 so even if I had to commute it wouldn't be too costly or timely however I work locally. From the age of 3 you get some help with 15 hours & some can also get 30 hours & tax free childcare. The few years we have had to pay for childcare is irrelevant imo vs the long term benefits of me staying in work, I've been paying into my pension & also had a promotion. I'm p/t & pretty much tto & earn around 32k, it's still a valid contribution & I have progression & at least 25 more years to work. The £900 comes out of our joint income & was never seen as too costly & soon our childcare bill will be £100 a month, whoop whoop.

No shame in being a SAHP & doing what's right for your family but don't put up barriers that don't have to exist.

You could consider childminding? I do it. I love it because I'm here with my own kids, I also love the children I look after and so do my children. I earn half decent money from it and I feel secure because I'm earning my own money. I would resent being the only person in the household who goes out to work.