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Original poster

Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

452 replies

Zorona · 11/02/2020 10:19

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/02/2020 14:59

Your point that you can't work because of your DHs job is no more valid than mine saying you can
I did manage to work despite my exh's job. But I was lucky enough to have working from home as an option. You are lucky enough to have a husband who can choose family-friendly working hours. We're both lucky.

lintrollerseverywhere · 14/02/2020 16:11

I absolutely don't "have" to be a SAHM, I just prefer it. I don't really know what is pissing people off about that TBH.

Fetchingly · 14/02/2020 16:49

That's fine lint, obviously yours and your partners decision. I just hate the implication that people can't work because their a sahm to a 15+ year old. It's crazy to me that a child that she needs a sahp. They don't.

And to say you're a sahp to a university aged child is ludicrous imo.

Fetchingly · 14/02/2020 16:50

They are not their.
That age no that she.

lintrollerseverywhere · 14/02/2020 16:56

But I honestly don't think anyone on this thread has said teenagers "need" a SAHP. I might be wrong, but I haven't seen it.

rockingrobin1 · 14/02/2020 17:18

@AngelsWithSilverWings I take your point & you have to do what works for your family. However there is a narrative that men love work & are brilliant at their job & women hate it which I object to. I'm p/t but even if I was full time I wouldn't earn as much as my dh (different field) however my contribution is still valid. In terms of my career & progression I'm unlikely to ever earn more than 70k which whilst less than DH is not insignificant & for me working is not just about the money.

ChainsawBear · 14/02/2020 17:37

jobs advertised as part-time that aren't very low level are very thin on the ground, at least where I live

You don't have to confine yourself to applying only for jobs specifically marked as PT if you're willing to work 4 days, @LisaSimpsonsbff. For skilled knowledge work, many employers are now willing to consider 0.8FTE or compressed hours for jobs and some companies have been experimenting with a 4 day week for everyone. I have had very good success so far in applying for jobs advertised as FT and negotiating 4 days.

Notso · 14/02/2020 18:15

And to say you're a sahp to a university aged child is ludicrous imo.

I have a university aged child and a 16 year old and am a SAHM.
We also have 9, 8 year olds. Call it ludicrous if you want but it's the truth!

MaybeDoctor · 14/02/2020 18:23

I don't think teens need a SAHP. But I do think they need someone to keep an eye on them, even if that person is also keeping an eye on a computer.

Double3xposure · 14/02/2020 19:09

Most teens I know need their own taxi driver, short order cook, in house tutor, housekeeper, daily food shopper and supplier of vast amounts of cash.

“Keeping an eye out for them “ is what I do for the next door neighbours cat.

NameChangeNugget · 14/02/2020 19:10

You need to get out into the work place, for your own good

allthedamnvampires · 14/02/2020 19:29

@Double3xposure except they don't though do they? These are just 'nice to have'. Mum taking a job can ensure the huge amounts of cash can keep rolling in should something happen.

Double3xposure · 14/02/2020 19:45

I’m not saying mum or dad can’t work.

I’m saying that teens need more input than keeping an eye on them. They still need parenting and love. They are not hamsters.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2020 19:56

@Double3xposure most teens you know sound pretty mollycoddled and incapable if that's the case. Parenting and love doesn't equate to putting everything on hold to be a constant taxi service and cook every meal for them. If my DS as a teen can't make his own way somewhere on public transport or get dinner for himself if I'm late home from work I'd think I'd done a pretty poor job at teaching him a bit of independence.

Notso · 14/02/2020 20:01

I’m saying that teens need more input than keeping an eye on them.

Exactly. DC1 had some serious MH issues around A level time.
No doubt we'd have worked around it had I been working but it was nice that I could be completely present for her and not stress about having to take time off to support her.

Parenting teens isn't just about chucking money, food and a WiFi password their way.

Double3xposure · 14/02/2020 20:07

Not all teens have access to public transport to get where they want to go. Not all kids enjoy perfect mental and physical health. Some teens have additional needs. Some kids can’t attend school.

No need to diss them or their parents ( usually their mums ).

I’m glad your kids are so strong and great @Waxonwaxoff0. I’m sure they are a credit to you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2020 20:12

Obviously I wasn't talking about teens with additional needs. But teens with good general health should have no problem doing some things for themselves without needing a parent there 24/7.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2020 20:14

I don't have a teen yet, only a 6 year old.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 20:17

You need to get out into the work place, for your own good

Not necessarily

newbingepisodes · 14/02/2020 20:20

What is your background in work wise?
I work full time, never been a sahm but I managed to negotiate a term-time only contract with my employer.

Notso · 14/02/2020 20:43

I don't have a teen yet, only a 6 year old.
Explains your comment then, I thought I was an amazing parent to teenagers before I had any of my own too.

Double3xposure · 14/02/2020 20:45

I didn’t say they needed someone there 24/7. I said they needed more input that “someone keeping an eye on them”.

I don't have a teen yet, only a 6 year old

Well that will explain why you are such an expert on parenting multiple teenagers.

MaybeDoctor · 14/02/2020 20:51

@Double3xposure

I think we are actually on the same side! My phrase 'keeping an eye on them' refers to that presence, that sense of someone being around to check that homework is done, that school or friendship issues aren't bubbling up, that they are coming home without dawdling in unknown places or getting into trouble. If those issues do occur then they are likely to need even more input.

I was a pretty sensible teen, but one of the reasons why I didn't sniff glue, smoke, run into danger or have underage sex after school is that my mum was always at home and would have noticed me doing it!

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and there isn't a magic age at which all children become self-servicing.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2020 21:12

@Double3xposure nothing to do with being an expert, I already know that I won't be a taxi service for DS when he's a teen as I don't drive, nor will I be a SAHP as I'm a single parent so it's not an option. So he will have to manage to do some things on his own.

choli · 14/02/2020 21:34

But a depressing number of these sort of men see having children as something they did for their wife.
I estimate that about 75% of the couples I know had children because the wife put pressure on for children. They admit this themselves. Some even had deliberate "contraceptive failures". The men didn't have any great desire for children at all.