Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

you sound really naive.
that's a lot more polite than what I wanted to say 😆

Have you looked at mornings only jobs. My mother did all sorts of jobs until we were old enough for her to get a full time one. (Cleaning, working in a bakers etc)It’s really nice to have money of your own. I remember being a dinner lady at a school before I retrained as a teacher.

I was a SHM for many years and my DH now EX used it to control every aspect of my life to the point I became a shell of who I was when working. I don’t regret staying at home but he lost all respect for me and treated me as if I was his skivvy or someone who worked for him not his wife. Hope your situation improves

It's not the sah which causes the loss of respect - it's just that you were married to an arsehole. If it wasn't the sah that he used to control and belittle you, it would have been something else.
This thread had turned into the usual bitchfest of sah v woh without really addressing that there are no circumstances under which s man should be treating his wife like shit. That's the real issue here.

If you don’t live in an area where you fear for your children’s lives when they step out of the door then I can see why you don’t get it.

Yes, because I have a good job I can afford to live in a decent area. Frankly I would rather work than have to live in an area where I feared for my life.

Anyway, this batshittery is a diversion from the main thrust of the post. The OP would actually like to try to get back to the workplace but lacks confidence. I do think is is a reason to try and keep at least a toe hold on the world of work when the children are small, even though it can be difficult. At times I was freelancing and doing only a few hours a month, but I could still put that on my CV and talk about it at interviews, even a tiny amount of work keeps your hand in and confidence levels up.

It's not the sah which causes the loss of respect - it's just that you were married to an arsehole. If it wasn't the sah that he used to control and belittle you, it would have been something else.

Well, yes and no, aderyn. Yes, our conclusion should be "men should not abuse women" rather than "women shouldn't SAH", but I think we have to acknowledge that leaving the workforce is a massive transfer of power between the parties even in a good situation, and in an abusive situation it is, I would say, a uniquely powerful enabler of control.

The brutal truth is that when you give up work to be a SAHP, you quite literally commit to putting your needs last, because your principal purpose is to enable your spouse and children. And the fact is that the duties of a SAHP can be replaced quite easily in return for money, or often for free by a man's DM or new girlfriend, whereas there is a market shortage of replacement people to fund SAHPs staying at home with their children. SAHPs are more easily replaceable by their working spouses than the SAHP can replace their financial support.

Have a good conversation for sure. I wonder about also asking him to book a week's leave for a few months time because you're going to go on a careers/training week to explore your options. I mean, actually do it. See how he AND you feel about the changes it would mean to your life if he now needs to be available for half the school runs, half the sickness, half the school awards ceremonies. Not to put him off, but to get him to lean in. Because if you are doing this to gain his respect and or to get into a career then there should not be huge restrictions on you. If it's for money then that's a bit different. See if you can work this out as a team valuing each other.

Sorry. This isn't 1950 anymore. You should not be relying on your husband to support you. If you can't get a well paid job then, again that is down to your life choices.

I can't even imagine a world where I wouldn't earn equal to my husband, or expect him to fund my lifestyle.

I do kind of agree with you although in a decent marriage neither party views it as a transfer of power, more a division of labour to make family life easier.
For me, the solution isn't to discourage women from sah if that's what suits the family but to acknowledge that it does result in difficulty in returning to work and therefore make sah legally protected. By that I mean should a couple divorce, the wohp should have a legal financial obligation to pay for the sahp to retrain if necessary, to fund childcare until the sahp is in the workplace at a level commensurate with what they would have been before DC and able to finance 50% themselves band and obligated to financially support their children properly (and not at the appalling rate the CSA currently obliges them to pay). NRP should not be allowed to opt out of child care responsibility. Obviously details of how it would work in reality would need to be worked out but in essence men there should be a legal value placed on sah so the woman isn't financially disadvantaged by divorce.
I'd also be in favour of sah being something that couples have to get a legal contract drawn up for, outlining what they each expect and agree to wrt the arrangement. I think it would make men realise that they have long term obligations and it would highlight difference of expectations between the two.
Everyone would know where they stood.

or expect him to fund my lifestyle

I couldn’t do it either. It’s not just funding the lifestyle but everything from headache pills to food to period necessities etc. I’d not have any respect for a man that expected his every need plus luxuries to be funded so wouldn’t do it to anyone else. Nor do I think personally it’s a situation to model to children as I wouldn’t want mine to opt out of working.

The brutal truth is that when you give up work to be a SAHP, you quite literally commit to putting your needs last, because your principal purpose is to enable your spouse and children.

And yet others argue SAHP are putting their wants first and being selfish by not working.

Treacletoots that statement is simply wrong. It is not always down to peoples choices at all. I'm the other side of the coin, I have almost always (maternity leave aside) earned more than my exdh or my DP. That's because I was fortunate enough to grow up in a middle class family and have the option of going to university.

My exdh and DP grew up extremely poor with no option of further education and no support , dp grew up in rural Wales. He is as intelligent and capable as i am but it took him longer to achieve professional success.

It's a really naive ignorant statement that ot is through peoples life choices whether they are Male or female.

Again with the banal 1950's comments.
Other put downs are available.

Why is a forum full of women going through all the usual bloody clichés designed to make feel women guilty for whatever they decide to do?

We have people arguing here that if you stay at home you are a 1950s throwback milking your hardworking husband and mollycoddling your children. And people arguing that if you work you are condemning your teens to a life of crime, if they even make it to that age without being stabbed.

You realise that no father ever has spent five minutes considering either of these scenarios?

I don’t regret staying at home but he lost all respect for me and treated me as if I was his skivvy or someone who worked for him not his wife.
But you WERE someone who worked for him. He was paying for your living expenses in return for childcare and housekeeping. Some will be an asshole about it, some won't. Choose your partner carefully or retain your independence.

Zorona

It’s one thing to be a SAHM with infants and toddlers at home. It’s another thing entirely to still be a SAHM with school-age children. The older they get, the less they need you, as it should be. Especially when they become teenagers. Barring any issues, healthy teens will be perfectly capable of letting themselves into the house and fending for themselves until someone gets home.

You said up thread that “His salary is enough. I don’t need to work for this reason.” You do realize, right, that financial security is more than being able to pay the bills each month? It’s about having enough in an emergency fund, possibly having funds put aside to help pay for the kids’ college and, most importantly, funding the retirement years. Keep in mind that people live a lot longer now.

All of that’s a pretty tall order on one salary with a SAH wife and kids. If his salary alone has been able to accomplish all of this so far, great.

If not, I can see why your husband seems resentful. He’s probably thinking, “God. I have to fund TWO retirements.” You stay home while your kids are in school and your husband is at work. He’s probably sick of carrying the full financial burden at this point.

When will he get to retire? Ever?

In this day & age someone needs to earn a lot to fund a stay at home parent for 15 plus years & the associated pension. I get taking a break & know that some professions are easier to come back too but I think the benefits of a high earning partner are enabling the other to study/work.

I think if I had been the sole income earner for x number of years and the kids are now at school I would feel slightly resentful. The responsibility, the stress, the routine, the sheer boredom of going to work, no time for my hobbies etc etc and my partner is at home spending 6 hrs a day tidying up. Perhaps get a part time job few hours a day and get a cleaner. The balance probably needs to change.

Of course she didn't work for him choli. They simply decided to divide the labour in a way that suited them both at the time, but her husband was an abusive twat.
You do realise that quite a lot of fathers are no more happy about putting their dc in childcare than mothers - it's not a decision solely driven by women and carried out with the husband kicking and screaming. It's not right to behave as if that joint decision to divide the labour in this way makes one person more important and worthy of respect than the other.

I wouldn't like my dh not working when our kids are teenagers unless there were specific circumstances.

I wouldn't like my dh not working when our kids are teenagers unless there were specific circumstances

I have to agree. I wouldn't consider it contributing the same as working and earning or looking after smaller children, personally.

And I don't really think I could call myself a SAHParent to a university aged child. You're not really staying at home to parent them are you? Surely university aged adults don't need parents at home.

Aderyn19 - I really don’t think that ideal situation would work. If I was a man I would say let’s go 50:50 on the SAHP rather have to pay for my ex wife to go on a training course and cover her salary until it is back at the level pre kids. Some women would choose not to look for well paid jobs just like some dads choose not to so they don’t have to pay child mtmce. Ultimately we are all adults and ideally should never have to rely long term 100% financially on another person. The marriage could break down and then what.