Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

dp worked 2 weeks in 4 abroad

But what about the other 2 weeks?

Tbh perhaps it's a generational thing. I'm in my 30s as his dh, flexible hours & remote working is more of a thing now & things are changing. Like I said upthread my brothers law firm had introduced 3 months paid paternity leave which is amazing.

Not everyone has husbands who are physically able to do their share of the housework or the pick ups or drop offs.

In my view the more men that want to help & push for flexibility the better it is for women & families.
When DH turned down the other job the reason he gave was "the other company is giving me more flexibility & my wife works so it is better for us as a family". The response was we completely respect your decision & it's something we are looking into for the future (American company, which apparently are more resistant to remote working), please get back in touch if your interested in working with us again.

Nice if your husband gets multiple job offers including ones that are family-friendly.
Mine didn't.

Being a SAHM because it’s easier is a perfectly valid choice.

No-one has to validate it by saying “oh I couldn’t work due to OH’s job”. The fact is you chose not to. It isn’t shameful, it’s perfectly valid.

Depends really. If he earns loads of cash, works long hours etc and you enable that - fine. If as a family you are struggling financially whilst you watch daytime tv and your house is a tip not fine. There are jobs available that go with school hours by the way. A friend of mine although a graduate in a previously high pressured role makes a lot of money in doing mobile shellac on local mums. Fits in very easily with her children. Her husband earns loads but they have three children in private school and this means there is plenty of fun money for her too. She only does it in school hours.

My husband and I both work full time. We have more children than most but it works for us.

Can you retrain? You say he is making snide remarks - that's a husband problem and if I were you I would be trying to ensure that I would be able to have financial stability in my own right. What if you got divorced? How would you manage financially?

Being a SAHM because it’s easier is a perfectly valid choice.

Being financially dependent on another human being for life, isn't a good choice IMO.

I think it depends on individual values, aspirations and ambition too. It also depends on the two parents. My desire in life was never to go from parents financial support, to a husband's financial support.

I fully understand if kids are preschool or if one parent is studying, but to decide you just don't want to work again won't always go down well.

A lot of people also say, DH earns enough...but enough for what? Putting a roof over your head, food, clothing and bills. The bare basics. I hear of ppl saying this on a single income of £30k... that can't go very far at all.

Nor everyone wants to just get by... they want to enjoy life.

My DH could easily pay all the bills on his own and afford other luxuries, but he would be very resentful if I didn't work.

Not everyone has husbands who are physically able to do their share of the housework or the pick ups or drop offs.

What made him physically incapable of not being a dick who was 'upset that he was coming home to an empty house with the breakfast things still being in the sink and the beds unmade'?

No-one has to validate it by saying “oh I couldn’t work due to OH’s job”. The fact is you chose not to.
In the end I managed to get myself a job that I could do from home.
Before that I tried to go back to work in the evenings, as a tutor. My exh simply did not turn up on two occasions, and (having no family nearby) I had to take the children in with me to work. So I tried to do the same work in the morning when they were at kindergarten. They were ill several times that winter, and my exh insisted that it made more sense for me to take time off. I took time off to look after the kids. My employer wasn't able to fire me outright but found a way to stop giving me the morning work.
All very much a dh / employer problem, but yes, sometimes it can be hard to work when you don't have the support you need. Not everyone is as lucky as I was, being able to move on to working from home.

(When I say exh, we were married at the time, but not now...)

I'm more than a mum and a wife and quite honestly, being a mum with daughters, I didn't want them growing up to think this should be their lives.*

I'm also more than just a mum and a wife (I've been a SAHM for 14 years) and you are much much more than whatever job you do. My job was the least interesting thing about me ( banking - yawn!)

I'm also a daughter , a friend , a gym buddy , a running pal , the women who manages the kitchen at the School fairs , the women who takes great landscape photos that people are always asking to buy , the one who taught herself cake decoration by watching you tube , the one who loves music and is always going to gigs , the nutter who adores camping holidays as much as she enjoys 5 star holidays, the 50 year old who can still run 5k and is very proud of that fact and the women who worked all hours and saved for 20 years before becoming a parent , the women who paid off half the mortgage from her savings on the day she left work.

My daughter knows full well why and how I've been able to chose to be a SAHM and if she is luckily enough to have the same choices in life that I had available to me then I'll be very happy indeed.

I'm lucky that my husband appreciates the sacrifice I made to become a SAHM - he is fantastic and loves seeing me live my life to the full.

I am also a sahm ive just had a baby but have school age children & also a sn child. Would he be willing to pay childcare in the holidays while u were at work? This is the issue with alot of families why is one parent has to be at home.maybe a weekend job would be better for u so he could have them at the weekend and u through the week.
My husband doesnt mind me being at home ,when i say i will go back to work he says he would rather get a 2nd job if we need more money.
Think its what works best for your family & what u want to do.

I really don't see why people have an issue with this assuming both parties are happy (which clearly isn't the case here so they need to talk). I am an educated woman and I had a good career before I had my DC. I now do a tiny bit of freelance work and some voluntary but I am mostly a SAHM. When youngest DC goes to school I have got absolutely no intention of going back to work. My DH and I discuss this frequently and neither of us want me to go back to work. I will probably ramp up my voluntary work however.

I think my DH's day to day life is bloody drudgery to be honest - he's up at 6, at work by 7.45 and home at 7 every night. He thinks my day to day life - being with the DC, housework, cooking, looking after the animals (we have a lot of animals) - is worse. He is a fantastic Dad, he does his share, he is always involved with family life, but he would not want to be a SAHP and I would never in a million years want to get back to the job I was doing before I had DC. I was so unhappy. It wasn't just the job either as I had a few different ones and I always felt the same. I hated working in an office, I hated having colleagues and following petty rules, I hated competition and ambition. I am not remotely ambitious. I am hugely introverted and am more than happy being at home. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy and that is all there is to it. I have many passions outside my children. I was never passionate about my job, but DH is passionate about his. This works for us.

If he dies, we are well covered with life insurance. If he leaves me, which I hope he won't and don't think he will, but as a child of divorce I am not naive about relationship breakdown, well then I will have to readjust, won't I? My voluntary work keeps up my skills and I have some savings of my own from my Grandmother which I could, if needed, use to purchase a new property or to retrain. My husband pays into a pension for both of us.

There are some extremely nasty comments on this thread. I fully accept that this is not right for everyone and obviously both people in a couple need to be happy that it works for them. But there is an assumption that staying at home is drudgery, is boring, and that SAHMs will have no life once their children leave. That is maybe true for some people, but it isn't true for me. Paid work was drudgery for me, and that was in a career that was well paid and I imagine most people would have found intellectually stimulating.

We are not all the same. Why so much venom on this thread to SAHMs?

Nor everyone wants to just get by... they want to enjoy life

This stood out for me. For me enjoying life wouldn't have included commuting, us having to manage childcare, sick days. Juggling whilst OH was overseas - which just goes to show that everyone is different!

I fully accept how privileged I was to have a completely free choice as to whether I was a SAHM or continued to work. That doesn't mean my choice was any better or indeed any less valid than anyone else's.

I'm more than a mum and a wife

Yup so was I. I've never defined myself by my role whether in work or being a SAHM.

Being financially dependent on another human being for life, isn't a good choice IMO.

Why would be a sahm for x years make you financially dependent?
Yes, your earning capacity may go down (although not nearly as much or as often as many on here would have us believe) but you can still work if needed and if you divorced you'd be entitled to 50% +.

@ferrier entitled to, perhaps, what you'll actually receive is anyone's guess. Don't kid yourself. He can hide assets, lie, spend them, quit his job. I'm sorry but your viewpoint is naive.

I'm in the.same position as you. Mine are both in primary school. I do the school run, walk the dog, cleaning, washing, making husbands dinner at lunchtime when hes working lates etc. Also theres no holiday club at their school, so I'd have to source alternative holiday care. I have no family/parents to help. My husband works rotating shifts (days and lates that includes weekend) so i couldn't plan a job around him. I'm getting a job when they both leave primary school.

But there is an assumption that staying at home is drudgery, is boring, and that SAHMs will have no life once their children leave.

You seem very cross that other women might think that being a SAHM is drudgery but say your DH would never want to do it and thinks it's much worse than working and you seem to think that's fine. Why is that? I'll give you a clue, it begins with with 's' and ends in 'exism'. Men aren't expected to apologise for thinking that being a SAHP is boring, limiting or unfulfilling, but women certainly are.

I don't have an issue with SAHPs more the argument that 2 parents working is too difficult. I also think there is a conversation to be had around why it's generally the women who gives up work & that men like working, thrive it that environment etc.

and loves seeing me live my life to the full.

Is he living his life to the full by working? Personally I think it would be fantastic if both parents could work part time & spend more time with dc.

Nice if your husband gets multiple job offers including ones that are family-friendly.
Mine didn't.

Yes it is nice & normal in my world. My friends are married to barristers, detectives, analysts, accountants, GPs, engineers. My friends are in similar roles & all work. Your point that you can't work because of your DHs job is no more valid than mine saying you can.

You seem very cross that other women might think that being a SAHM is drudgery but say your DH would never want to do it and thinks it's much worse than working and you seem to think that's fine. Why is that? I'll give you a clue, it begins with with 's' and ends in 'exism'. Men aren't expected to apologise for thinking that being a SAHP is boring, limiting or unfulfilling, but women certainly are.

Actually if you read my post you'll see that I completely accept that some women may well find being a SAHM drudgery, I have no issue with that at all. What I find patronising is the assumption that it's the same for all SAHMs, because I assure you it isn't for me. I found going out to work drudgery.

DH would never want to do it and thinks it's much worse than working and you seem to think that's fine. Why is that?

Um maybe because we are different people? My sister goes out to work and her DH stays at home and they are fine with that. Other way round for us. I fucking hate the corporate world, he loves it.

My mother also had a very successful career. The only reason I choose to be a SAHM is because I enjoy it, it has nothing to do with lack of confidence or sexism. If I didn't enjoy it, I would go back to work.

I'm sorry that you are so desperate for me to be leading this downtrodden awful existence and I don't doubt it is that way for many female SAHPs, but it isn't for me.

Zorona this is such a difficult thing.

I remember the same problem, went for a job and was asked 'and what will you do in the half terms and school holidays?

But ultimately it was a stick I was beaten with.

Actually, in practical terms, I think it's easier to go out to work when you have pre school aged children, as nurseries are open all year round and all day. Covering the school holidays is a bit more tricky. IMO.

I'm not entirely sure this situation is as simple as sahm v wohm.

On the face of it I'm amazed that in 2020 any woman has to justify her choices to anyone else (except those who it impacts which I'll come on to). Both choices are valid and hard in their own way, and often life creates a situation where it isn't a choice and we all have to get on with it and that should be respected.

I've spent 22 years in an industry and 7 working specifically to get to a point where I have a genuine work from home and balance my own diary job. It's totally worth it , some days I get the best of both worlds but there are days where I get the worst of both worlds (just to be crystal it's a proper qualified role not an MLM which I hate with a passion).

However being honest OP reading your posts it comes across as vague and a choice. For some I do believe not working whilst DC are at school is still a very valid choice (life does not run smoothly and as a parent of an SEN child being in school does not always mean full hours) however you are saying you basically dont feel like it , it would be an inconvenience. You dont seem (unless I apologise if I've missed it) that your dh has not agreed to pick up half the household duties. Have you even had that conversation?

There is an awful lot of vague excuses without clear research. Have you actually discussed breakfast club or afterschool club? Surprisingly for a period last year SEN ds1 had to go to one before I got this role and he absolutely loved it....it did wonders for him , from being wraparound care for me to work it became a keystone in his development.

You vaguely say you are not sure it's worth it financially ? Have you actually looked at possible jobs and what they would pay? Have you worked out the finances ?

Honestly if I was in your dh position (and as it happens I have been ) I would be irritated if I was getting vague replies like " oh I dont think it would be worth it" etc etc without any actual attempt to look onto it. It would feel like you were taking the mick.

I genuinely believe SAHM role is massively underappreciated but it also doesnt equate that if one partner doesnt agree with the system and is prepare to step up, its then unreasonable not to look into it because you find vague half excuses without actually checking if it's really the case.

It may be how you've written the post and in fact you really have looked into it but it's not how it comes across to me.

I dont agree that all children benefit from childcare but some really do, unless there is a genuine reason to think they will struggle that's not a reason. You say you prioritise getting DC to school, we all do surely ? My asd child can be bloody hard work to get to school but we manage it , even when we both worked out of the home. However there are days where my NT child also plays up going to school , it's very manageable even with a fullt time job (note I didn't say easy)

Holidays are always challenging , I've used all my leave as has DP to cover the holidays. We dont use holiday clubs because they are ridiculously expensive in my area for not much provided and ds1 would struggle. However we have managed to work it with annual leave and some days where we have had to finagle it here and there.

I guess ultimately , no it's not easy but it is very doable, and to be Frank your reasoning dont sound well researched.

I did it as a single parent and that was truly brutal but talk to your dh and see what he is prepared to do to help (if nothing then I agree it's not workable)

As a SAHM you are genuinely vulnerable. You do really need to consider that, it's not remotely about devaluing the role , I've been in the situation where my marriage ended and it was awful, I hope it never happens to anyone but my saving grace wa I had money , I had a career and I kept the DC and I going . There is a huge comfort and power in that

I'm not entirely sure this situation is as simple as sahm v wohm.

No of course it isn't, but unfortunately several people posting here seem to view it as black and white (not you, I thought your post was very reasonable and balanced).

@rockingrobin1

Is he living his life to the full by working? Personally I think it would be fantastic if both parents could work part time & spend more time with dc.

To answer your question , yes he really does. His job allows him to enjoy his many hobbies while on work time -he's very lucky. He often has to entertain clients and he is lucky to have many who enjoy the same things he does. So he goes to sporting and music events , ski trips , sailing trips , lots of playing golf.

His work life balance isn't perfect right now as he has started a new job in the last year and needs to get stuck in but he makes sure he works from home every now and then.

I really appreciate what he does and when he found himself on gardening leave for four months last year I made sure he went off travelling and do a few bucket list things for a few weeks while I stayed at home with the kids.

Our kids are 14 and 11 now so don't need him around as much as they used to.

It would be lovely if both parents could spilt the work responsibilities but when you had ( in my case 13 years ago ) one parent earning £30k a year and the other earning double that ) it just didn't make financial sense to. I couldn't even dream of getting a job that pays a fraction of what he earns now.

I don't understand those justifying being a sahp to 15, 16 yr olds etc... some have even said uni aged?!

If you don't want to work and would rather stay home just say that. But to act like it's impossible for you to work because your GSCE aged children have after school activities is a bit much to me