Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

That’s a very high figure choli and not at all representative.

When I was a teen one of my favourite things in the world was having the house to myself after school. A bit of peace and quiet. I didn’t spend that time shooting up heroin or talking to dodgy 50 year old men on the internet - way back in the dial-up connection Netscape days. I made myself a snack before watching a bit of MTV followed by homework. Sometimes I went to friends’ houses where no parents where present either and we actually managed on our own.
Really don’t understand the mindset that teenagers - not talking special needs here - would need a parent around constantly. Surely you would want to encourage independence.

Being at home not working you are risking so much. What if he leaves you? Where is your pension?

I think you need to re-skill, spend time doing courses and get up to date.

Start looking at jobs, what interests you?

Have the conversation of splitting childcare and chores and sharing the mental load - write down everything you do so you can assign it.

Could your DP go part time, poster above is spot on about the parenting and keeping an eye out all the time, one of you needs to be present to do it.

However, working again will invigorate your life.

Surely you would want to encourage independence.
Not if dependance suits mummy's agenda.

AspiringAmazon
Not all teens are like you.

If they were we wouldn’t have so many killed in knife attacks.
One of my friends had to move areas because of racial abuse from teens from one family. The parents were applauded that they both worked
The children were left to run feral in the evenings.

Wow! Teens are killing other teens, racially abusing & running feral because both their parents work?

@Oliversmumsarmy so you are saying that teens are running around killing each other because their parents work? How ridiculous. Teens going around killing each other is due to a huge number of factors, many of them to do with poverty and socioeconomic issues.

I come from a very working class background. Neither my mum nor any of my friends' mums were SAHPs because no one can afford to have one parent at home where I live. None of us were doing all the things you say. We were all going home to talk to each other on MSN messenger after school.

I literally do not know anyone at DS's school with a non working parent either. All the mums work.

It has to be a decision that you come to as a family. I always worked but was part-time for years. I went full-time when youngest was 7 partly to relieve the pressure on DH who was suffering from stress and anxiety in his job. Knowing that I was working more did ease the strain he put on himself from feeling he had to stay in that job as the main breadwinner. I think being the sole earner can become a burden. I expected DH to step up with helping out around the house, which he has. I think having a SAHP only works if both parents are on board.

Ideally, I think flexible working for all should become the norm. 4-days each would have worked perfectly for our family but part-time working in general seems to have taken a backwards step in the years since I had my first DC and it appears increasingly hard to find employers who would be amenable to this, in my sector anyway.

I am a bit bemused by the idea that a parent should be at home with a secondary-aged child though. Are those of us who can't work from home expected to give up our jobs? I don't think leaving your child at home by themselves for an hour a day means you aren't parenting them.

Then make out an invoice for those duties

Great idea. He could also give her an invoice for her share of all bills and living expenses over the years. I suspect she will come out the loser though.

But she is doing the grunt work at home that facilitates him being able to pay for it all.

Grunt work eh? Yet she doesn't want it any other way so it's not exactly a sacrifice for her. The old argument about how she's facilitated his career, and the implication that he couldn't have done it without her, is used a lot. Yet what about all those couples who manage to raise kids and both go to work? Who facilitates them? The pixies maybe.

My friend walked her dc to school even when doing there A levels. Because of where they lived and being mixed race there was no way she was letting them walk alone

She was there for them to make sure homework was done to a suitable standard and that she was there to supervise when they had friends over

Her eldest went to university and works for a prestigious City firm

The first thing she saved up for and bought was a large flat in a better area for her mum and siblings as a thank you. She put her mum on the deeds

The teens that were out of control that I knew were the ones with working parents.

As I said my friend ended up moving to escape the racial abuse from a bunch of teens from one family

Even the ones who on the face of it are coming home from school and getting their homework done are working their way through the parents alcohol

I think teens need a lot more supervision than they are getting atm

I do agree teens (certainly early pre-teens/teens) need more support and availability of a parent after school than younger children.

Oliversmumsarmy and as I said, none of my friends nor myself were running wild after school and we all had working parents. You're making massive generalisations. Think of the percentage of teens that have 2 working parents, you can't seriously think that they will ALL be running wild and failing in life.

@Oliversmumsarmy that's just an anecdote. The combination of circumstances you've mentioned allows you to land on that working with teenagers is bad. But that experience isn't replicated across the country and is unfamiliar to many.

My parents both worked and my sister and I were out of control teenagers. That said, I got an excellent degree age 21 so I can't have been that bad. I'd wager that our dysfunction was due to my mother's narcissism and not caused by her going to work per se. She was a teacher and therefore home when we were home. I am sure would have fared far better with a mother with the capacity to love properly even if she'd worked longer hours. What I'm trying to say is working in and of itself isn't necessarily a problem, other factors are at play. But that's just my anecdote.

Just to reassure the working parents with younger children, I recognise nothing in Oliversmumsarmy posts and I have a teen and one in their 20s. Of course I work, most parents with children that age do. Yes, teens need a lot of emtional support but they don't need the practical 'looking after'of young children. I cannot image walking teenagers to school - it is literally unimaginable to me that anyone would do that and that a normal, healthy teen would accept it. It is just odd behaviour.

When I was a teen one of my favourite things in the world was having the house to myself after school. A bit of peace and quiet.

Yes, I would have loved that too! I found it a bit frustrating not to have that freedom, although my mum was also there caring for my younger sibling. But looking back now as an adult I can see that her being there was part of what kept me on the straight and narrow, even if I didn't appreciate it at the time. She was a SAHP, but I think that the level of supervision needed by teens is quite compatible with doing a job that is home-based or has fairly flexible hours. Obviously this is not possible for many people, but it is something that I am hoping to work towards myself.

Disclaimer: I currently work three days per week with some provision for home working.

I thi k the assumption for most men is the SAHP phase ends once they are at school age. I can understand why. What then needs to happen though is a conversation about how all the household tasks and responsibilities will need to be split 50/50- equal time off for school holidays, early finishes (if requred) for pick up/ drop off times, and equal time off work if kids are sick. Equal household tasks redistributed. If all that can be achieved- all good, look for full time work. If it can't (or won't) the work needs to be discussed without the capability of the parent still expected to do all this.

I was born & raised in London, by the time I was a teen my mum had returned to p/t work. Very few friends didn't have a mum that worked & I went to good schools. Strangely enough we managed to get to school ok & occupy ourselves without shooting up & playing with knives. Both my parents were there for me & knew exactly what I was up too without having to give me a snack & some milk at 4'0 clock.

@AngelsWithSilverWings

I understand where you're coming from but we have young DC (3.5 and 9mo) and have a similar salary division to that which you describe (I am the higher earner, double that of DH) and when I return from mat leave with DS2 we will both be working 4 days a week. I have a professional, client facing job.

We do split everything fairly evenly. I made sure to seek out an employer where flexibility is possible. It can be done if you want it to.

Ultimate plan is for DH to move to a 8-3ish type arrangement when both DC are at school. I will then work full time again.

Obviously we are lucky that our employers are flexible enough that we can make those changes but that is something we have actively sought out.

So much in life is dependent on financial circumstances. Poverty is much more likely to be a contributing factor in teen antisocial behaviour than whether there is a SAHP or not. If that was not the case then children with unemployed parents would generally be far less prone to criminal or antisocial behaviour than those from well-off households with both parents working. Yet we know that is very much not the case. Otherwise the leafy suburbs would be no-go areas and we would all skip gaily and carefree through the streets of sink estates and deprived neighbourhoods.

The quality of life for a SAHP varies massively depending on financial circumstances as well. At one end of the scale you have SAHPs from low income households. They have smaller homes and whilst that means less surfaces to clean it also means more clutter and less comfort. They will tend to have fewer time-saving domestic appliances and those they do have will be of low quality and basic functionality. They often will not have a car and will have to put more effort into shopping around to try and make the little money they have go further. Their children will be less content at home due to living in a small, cluttered house with fewer toys and run-around space to keep them entertained. Looking after bored, discontent children is completely different to looking after happy ones.

By contrast, the SAHP in a well off household will invariably have a nice car and a spacious, warm home with plenty of mod cons. Toys, gadgets and space to keep the children content, often a nice garden as well. They will not have to choose between putting the heating on when it's cold or buying food. They will not be under constant financial stress. They will have plenty of storage/freezer space and the money to allow them to do big shops, often getting it delivered because the extra cost is inconsequential to them. Their family will have more clothes so they will be able to do less frequent, bigger washes in their state-of-the art washing machine compared to the low-income SAHP who is having to do laundry and ironing on a near daily basis. They can afford to put their kids into clubs and activities or sit in the nice warm soft-play centre drinking coffee with their equally well-off mates whilst the kids entertain themselves. Many will also have cleaners or other forms of paid domestic help.

Life for all SAHPs is not equal yet time and again we see the same black-and-white claims that all SAHPs are making a massive sacrifice for which their OH should be nothing except humbly grateful. I have immense sympathy for those at the lower end of the social scale because I know how hard it is for them and they often have little choice because they tend to have less career options. Those at the upper ends of the social scale need to stop playing the martyr though because it just doesn't wash. You've got it easy and it's invariably very much your own choice. Your successful, high earning OH would not be working in the mail room or flipping burgers but for you sacrificing yourself to stay at home either.

I cannot image walking teenagers to school - it is literally unimaginable to me that anyone would do that and that a normal, healthy teen would accept it. It is just odd behaviour

Actually a lot of the parents thought it was an excellent idea.
If you don’t live in an area where you fear for your children’s lives when they step out of the door then I can see why you don’t get it.

I've worked in a number of secondary schools in S London. Crime happens but the vast, vast majority of parents don't take their teenagers to & from school.

Maybe if they did there would be less crime

She was there for them to make sure homework was done to a suitable standard and that she was there to supervise when they had friends over

See I don't think that's great at all. I think it's thoroughly unhealthy. And I think the hypersupervision of things like homework is now causing major issues at unis, who are struggling more and more with students who are incapable of managing themselves, and leaving people increasingly unprepared for work. A teen should take responsibility for doing their own bloody homework with their own input and deal with the consequences themselves if they don't.

I can't help but remember the SAHM of one 15yo on here who couldn't possibly get any kind of job because her son needed driven to school but couldn't cope with any kind of public transport (no SN) and who monitored and hovered every minute. This near-adult wasn't trusted in the garden on his own. Her obsessiveness over her child had also essentially collapsed her marriage. I felt very sorry for that poor boy, who was essentially being stunted and warped to fit her need.

oliversmumsarmy you sound really naive.

Maybe lots of parents would like to but cost of living in London bring what it is, they are at work.