How can I get my BF to understand our situation just isn't working for me anymore? LONG!

[DarkRose]

Hi everyone, I am new here but could really do with some advice on my current relationship as I'm at the end of my tether. This may be long so I apologise now.
I am a 31-year-old female, left home at 16, was married for 14 years and divorced in 2018, on good terms with my ex for my families sake, I have children, successful self-employed business, my own home, dog, cats and various other animals. ( My animal's references will make sense shortly).
I have been with my new man (44) for almost 2 years but we have been friends for roughly 5 years. He lives about 35 minutes drive from me, also self-employed. He is a lovely, kind, gentle, protective man, we have so much in common, he gets on with my children brilliantly. I love him. I am just tired of our situation. I've brought it up with him a thousand times I'm just starting to sound like a nag and he just can't see its a problem.
He still lives at home with his mum and 46-year-old brother. His brother is just always there. I feel like I'm competing for my boyfriend's attention constantly. He only sees me on the nights I don't have my children unless I really arrange it in advance and he will not drive to my house. He hasn't driven here once in the whole 2 years we've been together. If I want him to come down I have to pick him up and bring him here. He drives to various places during the week. Just not to mine and always has excuses.
He does so much with his brother that I am starting to resent his brother. If I bring up his brother's constant presence he always makes me feel bad saying my brother likes you and considers you a friend etc..
Our current week looks like this:
Monday - I have my children so stay at home, He goes out with his brother.
Tuesday - I have my children so stay at home, He goes to martial arts with his brother.
Wednesday - My ex has the kids, I drive to his once he's been out into town with his brother - his brother wants to get into town by 4 pm each Wednesday, I do all the school runs as my ex works until 5 so I can't ever join them as the shops will be shut by the time I reach them. So I seem him from 7 pm onwards. We have a few hours to ourself in his room then join his brother to watch something. I leave around 1 am.
Thursday - I have my children so stay at home, He does martial arts with his brother in the afternoon then have the evening watching things with his brother.
Friday - I have my children so stay home, He "needs to have some time to himself" so usually goes out with his brother or has friends over.
Saturday - I meet him and his brother at 3 pm and we go off and do something together. occasionally something just the pair of us. I pop back to mine later afternoon to deal with my animals. In the evening we sit down with his brother and mum for tea (cooked by his mum) then his brother goes out with their mum to "give us an empty house" from 9 pm to 1 am. When he comes home we watch something with his brother until we go to bed.
Sunday - We wake and have Sunday lunch with his mum and brother, cooked for by his mum. I go home as I have to look after my animals as he and his brother do martial arts and go to the cinema after. I sometimes join them in the cinema but what we go to watch isn't open for discussion, some films I don't want to see, those times I don't go I always get made to feel bad for not joining him at the cinema. When I say I'd love it if just the two of us went sometimes, like on a date, he claims his brother joins him and he cannot just tell him he isn't welcome.

I am made to feel guilty if I don't accept his hospitality when he invites me for tea on a Wednesday as well. But they eat at 6, by the time I've packed my children off, sorted my animals etc.. I cannot get to him on time. But apparently I am coming across rude when I don't join them and turn down hot food. He says I should accept his hospitality but he doesn't cook the meals, his 70-year-old mother does, he doesn't even know how to cook. So I feel uncomfortable doing it too often.

I argue with him constantly, just because I have my children It doesn't make me off-limits, they are young, they are all in bed by 8.30 pm, all good sleepers, sleeping through until 7 am. If they are such an issue why did he bother dating someone with children? Why can't he come down here once in a while once they are asleep? Or even when they aren't here, why do I always have to be the one that goes to his? He fobs me off with that this is only temporary and I need to be patient. Nothing has changed in 2 years! He says I should be grateful that his family like me and accepted me into the family so well, anyone else would love to spend time with a close-knit family. He understands that I'm not used to it as I left home so young but in other culters, his set up is considered normal and he considers himself lucky. He thought I liked that he was close to his family - Yes I do, but not so close that we have no breathing space. He claims if he came down during the week I would end up never going to his house and not seeing his family anymore and that would hurt them, and he can't ignore them or just not spend any time with them. I'm not asking that.

When I say his brother is too much, that I'm starting to resent him as he is always there and I want some time with my boyfriend to myself. He says as I mentioned above, makes me feel so guilty say his brother likes me and sees me as a good friend. I should be lucky to have a good friend he can completely vouch for.

When we are in his room, or downstairs with his brother, I can't quietly show my boyfriend something on my phone or talk to him quietly, his brother asks to see what we are looking at and what we are talking about every time. He will continue to ask until we answer him or tell him its private. Privacy isn't something he has much concept off as he doesn't have a FB so he always longs on to my boyfriend's computer and on to his FB so sometimes I don't know who I'm messaging. He takes my boyfriends car without asking most nights we are together so if I do manage to talk my boyfriend into being the one who drives. We can't as he has no car.

Every time I mention how much his brother is becoming an issue. He gets quite upset and says he can't go through this again. It turns out all his other relationships have ended just around the 2-year mark because of his brother. When I ask why he hasn't learnt from this, he says that it's his brother. He's lucky to have a brother like him.

I tell him I worry about a future with him, I would love to get married again but don't see how that is possible when he is that close to his brother and not willing to spend any time at mine or extra time with me. He says it will get better and I need to be patient. To prove how committed he is to me and our future we have recently bought a pet together, only the animal is at my house and he's only seen him once on the day we bought him.

I honestly thought a man who does live at home would jump at the chance to spend some alone time in an empty house each week. But now I'm just questioning what the hell is wrong with me.

Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know how much longer I can be a part-time girlfriend and he doesn't see that there's a problem. If not I'm just grateful for the opportunity to rant.

The very fact he won't drive to you would make me Ltb.
You are far too much of a pushover op. Is his brother SN? Very odd to have his relationship with him held about living an adult life and managing a gf on even terms. He is having you do all the running while he awaits your arrival. Those quiet times does he expect sex too?
You have no future imo.
Sorry op.
Blunt it needs to be.

I'm sorry op, but I think he's told you the situation very clearly. No relationship is or can be as close as the relationship he has with his brother, and that will always come first.

If you can enjoy it as a FWB type arrangement for the time being, that's great, but it really doesn't sound like it will go anywhere more permanent or towards you being a couple.

My advice would be to dump him and his brother.

So you just go round there and shag him a couple of times a week? Of course he doesn’t want to change, he’s got it all on a plate. Presumably his mother is one of those enabling types who does everything for him and hasn’t ever taught him how to be a grown up?

This isn’t a proper adult relationship. It’s like being teenagers. If I was you I would end it and be very clear why. “I need a man who can give me a normal adult relationship, and commitment. That isn’t you.”

God, don't marry this one!! Why does he live at home - he's 44? Does he work? Has he had any longer relationships?

I really can't see that he will change - everything is on his terms. I'd end it, if I were you.

He's obviously not going to change if he knows previous relationships have ended because of this weird set up.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do not either make yourself an option here or sell yourself short when it comes to relationships. You are really here doing both now.

Why are you and he together at all; how did you meet him?. This is not what you want from a relationship is it?. Be honest here.

This man still lives with his mother and his brother; honestly the words "uphill struggle" springs to mind here. Why has he not been able to fully cut the apron strings here?. Its probably because he does not really want to. If his mother cooks for them, she could well be doing their laundry too. This is a comfortable existence for all three of them, this is how they like things. You are and will remain very much an outsider in that dynamic and its one I would urge you to walk away from now before you get ever more overinvested and or hurt.

He has lost previous relationships because of his family and you will likely be the latest one in a long line here already to walk away. For your sake I would end this now because he is not going to ever put you first, it will always be these people who he has a codependent relationship with. You will not come first; it will always be his brother and his mother. He uses them as a crutch and excuse not to leave home.

What kingsassassin said.

Just stop going there. Sounds like that will effectively end it.

My advice would be to dump him and his brother

Yup. Sit them both down and tell them it's not working for you. And it's not you, it's them.

What on earth are you, an adult woman, doing in this disfunctional mess with this pair of co-dependent man children?

You need to end this relationship, its obvious that the brotherly bond will be stronger than any other relationship. If you marry this man you will end up with the brother living with you after their mother passes away, you'll be the third cog in your marriage. is there an actual work for middle aged teenagers? because this is what these two sound like.

Hell no!
This is weird.
And odd.
He's 44 and living at home with his parents.

Why did this not raise massive red flags for you!?
And why are you putting with it?
He won't even drive to yours.
That is how 'committed' he is.
I don't know how you've put up with this for this long OP?
What are you thinking?
You are intelligent.
You run a successful business.
You are a good mum.
Then you have this twat to run around after when you have a bit of free time!
FUCK THAT!
He does not prioritise you - not even a little bit.
'Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs'
'If you hesitate between me and another person, don't choose me'!
'There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump puddles for you'
They say it all really.

He’s living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle of his mother or broter. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or brother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

He is not at all serious about you. Do you want to be putting a ‘do not disturb’ sign on your door or only getting jiggy at your place because you don’t want to be thinking of his brother or mother listening to the two of you having a shag?

Clandestine is funny and exciting for a little while, but at some point, you want your relationship to progress past the high school gates!

Men like your so called boyfriend have some characteristics:-
They tend to be emotionally unavailable.
They dodge commitment.
They behave like ‘Recycled Teenagers’ – overgrown manchildren ducking responsibility, often avoiding paying bills, washing their own clothes and cooking their own dinner (this man has mother cooking for his brother and himself).
They have exceptionally large egos – often these men have mothers who are blowing smoke up their bums telling them how great and special they are. Because they don’t live in ‘reality’, they are very disconnected from who they actually are.
They always have problems – there are always obstacles that prevent these guys from making the leap. After a while, they start making up problems about the mother (in this case his brother) so that they can stall leaving. Be careful – they may even say things to their mother’s to make things awkward for you…Next thing, you’re the obstacle.
They’re tightfisted – Clearly living at home has it’s financial benefit as they don’t spend as much as they would if they had to be self-sufficient and they convince themselves that relationships are ‘expensive’.
They’re permanent daters – It’s like they’re just trying on shoes for size and reminding themselves that they’re not big babies because they still live at home with their mothers. You’re an ego fluffer that gives him a semblance of normality because some of these guys do have enough connection to become worried about how they are perceived.

You become their ‘beard’ for creating an external persona – what they don’t realise is that nothing can disguise the strangeness of them choosing to live with their mother’s.

The likelihood is that the way you will become aware of the ‘danger’ is when this situation exists in the context of a poor relationship. Often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out. Well it is not.

I would end this relationship because it has no future at all in it. Am sorry to write this but my BIL still lives at home with mommy and he is just like described above. He is certainly not relationship material and neither is this man you describe.

Can I just say as well - you're a catch. A huge catch. He may be nice, that's great, but he is not valuing you. Walk away and mean it.

I may say that I'm in a situation that is even more dysfunctional than yours right now, and of course I'm not ending it... because in some ways it suits me just at the moment. But I'm not starting threads about it - yet. You know this doesn't suit you, but this is what he's offering. To a doubtless hot 31 year old with her shit comprehensively together. Not good enough.

Either marry them both, or dump him! Seriously, if he's lost previous relationships because of his situation at home then he's not learning from that and is unlikely to change!

Sorry but this relationship isn't going to work for you.
When people tell you who they are, you need to listen.
He's been pretty consistent about how he likes his life, it's not going to change.
You can do so much better!

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds almost polygamous, you’re not just seeing him you’re seeing his brother too.

I’m sorry OP but I got bored just reading your timetable - where’s the spontaneity, the effort from him, the dates, the fun, the excitement?!

Not my idea of a relationship (I’m single with kids, work etc too) and it shouldn’t be yours either.

You’re worth more than this.

And what @AttilaTheMeerkat said is absolutely spot on.

Christ alive.

I don't like anyone enough to spend as much time with them as your BF does with his brother - not even my own children!

This is not healthy, and the fact that he's asking you to be patient tells me he knows this, but the fact nothing's changed tells me he hasn't got the balls to do anything about it.

I don't think this is something you can alone - it will take him making a decision, and it doesn't look like that is possible for him.

Thankfully for womenkind my BIL is not in a relationship but if he was, this is exactly how he would (and indeed has) behave towards the unfortunate girlfriend. They've all left him and he is still living with mommy because he wants to and likes the set up she has also created.

No, this is definitely weird OP. It is nice to be close to family. But not this. Having good relationships with siblings and mother would include having sunday lunch together some weeks, inviting brother along to parties or the pub. Not hanging out together all the effing time.

Sorry but you are not going to change him. It's time to call it quits.

As someone else said, what's in this for you. You must spend half your week driving.

Gosh, it doesn't look as though there is the slightest chance of his behaviour changing. Ic you want something different it rather looks as though you'll need to find it elsewhere

Dear me. Just leave them. You do not, and will not ever, come first in this relationship.

Like PPs, I immediately wondered if the brother has some SEN issue. It's the only thing that could make any rational sense of why your BF is so protective of him. Otherwise, he really does just seem to be stuck in some kind of teenage holding pattern. (And even then, SEN issues shouldn't prevent your BF from having a normal adult life of his own.)

Wtf ... I would have run for the hills! What a bizarre set up. He obviously isn't going to change.