Hi everyone, I am new here but could really do with some advice on my current relationship as I'm at the end of my tether. This may be long so I apologise now.
I am a 31-year-old female, left home at 16, was married for 14 years and divorced in 2018, on good terms with my ex for my families sake, I have children, successful self-employed business, my own home, dog, cats and various other animals. ( My animal's references will make sense shortly).
I have been with my new man (44) for almost 2 years but we have been friends for roughly 5 years. He lives about 35 minutes drive from me, also self-employed. He is a lovely, kind, gentle, protective man, we have so much in common, he gets on with my children brilliantly. I love him. I am just tired of our situation. I've brought it up with him a thousand times I'm just starting to sound like a nag and he just can't see its a problem.
He still lives at home with his mum and 46-year-old brother. His brother is just always there. I feel like I'm competing for my boyfriend's attention constantly. He only sees me on the nights I don't have my children unless I really arrange it in advance and he will not drive to my house. He hasn't driven here once in the whole 2 years we've been together. If I want him to come down I have to pick him up and bring him here. He drives to various places during the week. Just not to mine and always has excuses.
He does so much with his brother that I am starting to resent his brother. If I bring up his brother's constant presence he always makes me feel bad saying my brother likes you and considers you a friend etc..
Our current week looks like this:
Monday - I have my children so stay at home, He goes out with his brother.
Tuesday - I have my children so stay at home, He goes to martial arts with his brother.
Wednesday - My ex has the kids, I drive to his once he's been out into town with his brother - his brother wants to get into town by 4 pm each Wednesday, I do all the school runs as my ex works until 5 so I can't ever join them as the shops will be shut by the time I reach them. So I seem him from 7 pm onwards. We have a few hours to ourself in his room then join his brother to watch something. I leave around 1 am.
Thursday - I have my children so stay at home, He does martial arts with his brother in the afternoon then have the evening watching things with his brother.
Friday - I have my children so stay home, He "needs to have some time to himself" so usually goes out with his brother or has friends over.
Saturday - I meet him and his brother at 3 pm and we go off and do something together. occasionally something just the pair of us. I pop back to mine later afternoon to deal with my animals. In the evening we sit down with his brother and mum for tea (cooked by his mum) then his brother goes out with their mum to "give us an empty house" from 9 pm to 1 am. When he comes home we watch something with his brother until we go to bed.
Sunday - We wake and have Sunday lunch with his mum and brother, cooked for by his mum. I go home as I have to look after my animals as he and his brother do martial arts and go to the cinema after. I sometimes join them in the cinema but what we go to watch isn't open for discussion, some films I don't want to see, those times I don't go I always get made to feel bad for not joining him at the cinema. When I say I'd love it if just the two of us went sometimes, like on a date, he claims his brother joins him and he cannot just tell him he isn't welcome.
I am made to feel guilty if I don't accept his hospitality when he invites me for tea on a Wednesday as well. But they eat at 6, by the time I've packed my children off, sorted my animals etc.. I cannot get to him on time. But apparently I am coming across rude when I don't join them and turn down hot food. He says I should accept his hospitality but he doesn't cook the meals, his 70-year-old mother does, he doesn't even know how to cook. So I feel uncomfortable doing it too often.
I argue with him constantly, just because I have my children It doesn't make me off-limits, they are young, they are all in bed by 8.30 pm, all good sleepers, sleeping through until 7 am. If they are such an issue why did he bother dating someone with children? Why can't he come down here once in a while once they are asleep? Or even when they aren't here, why do I always have to be the one that goes to his? He fobs me off with that this is only temporary and I need to be patient. Nothing has changed in 2 years! He says I should be grateful that his family like me and accepted me into the family so well, anyone else would love to spend time with a close-knit family. He understands that I'm not used to it as I left home so young but in other culters, his set up is considered normal and he considers himself lucky. He thought I liked that he was close to his family - Yes I do, but not so close that we have no breathing space. He claims if he came down during the week I would end up never going to his house and not seeing his family anymore and that would hurt them, and he can't ignore them or just not spend any time with them. I'm not asking that.
When I say his brother is too much, that I'm starting to resent him as he is always there and I want some time with my boyfriend to myself. He says as I mentioned above, makes me feel so guilty say his brother likes me and sees me as a good friend. I should be lucky to have a good friend he can completely vouch for.
When we are in his room, or downstairs with his brother, I can't quietly show my boyfriend something on my phone or talk to him quietly, his brother asks to see what we are looking at and what we are talking about every time. He will continue to ask until we answer him or tell him its private. Privacy isn't something he has much concept off as he doesn't have a FB so he always longs on to my boyfriend's computer and on to his FB so sometimes I don't know who I'm messaging. He takes my boyfriends car without asking most nights we are together so if I do manage to talk my boyfriend into being the one who drives. We can't as he has no car.
Every time I mention how much his brother is becoming an issue. He gets quite upset and says he can't go through this again. It turns out all his other relationships have ended just around the 2-year mark because of his brother. When I ask why he hasn't learnt from this, he says that it's his brother. He's lucky to have a brother like him.
I tell him I worry about a future with him, I would love to get married again but don't see how that is possible when he is that close to his brother and not willing to spend any time at mine or extra time with me. He says it will get better and I need to be patient. To prove how committed he is to me and our future we have recently bought a pet together, only the animal is at my house and he's only seen him once on the day we bought him.
I honestly thought a man who does live at home would jump at the chance to spend some alone time in an empty house each week. But now I'm just questioning what the hell is wrong with me.
Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know how much longer I can be a part-time girlfriend and he doesn't see that there's a problem. If not I'm just grateful for the opportunity to rant.