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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says I'm 'moody' all the time

172 replies

CheshireCat20 · 05/02/2020 16:02

I've been with DP 4 years. 2 kids each, we don't live together. I work full time, and all kids have extra curricular activities. DP has a habit of going silent / ignoring me when we have an argument. It doesn't even have to be a serious one, sometimes I won't hear from him for a few days. This doesn't happen a lot though.

I very much feel like I have to 'fit in' with DP's and his kids schedule even though me and my kids have our own. I end up not seeing him that much really - a few hours twice a week before we fall asleep, maybe a little bit more every other weekend. Every now and again we have a bit more time together.

DP says I'm moody 'all the time', and it's draining the life out of him. I'm not moody - I'm tired. I don't snap etc. By the time he comes over at 8/9pm in the evening I'm pretty much done in by work, kids activities, bed time routine etc.

DP 'picks' at me quite a lot - 'Oh we're watching THAT on TV tonight are we?', 'I really feel like a hot drink now, I wonder who can make it for me', 'Why are you falling asleep already?' 'Can I have snack?' (then he helps himself to half the contents of the kitchen). And yes I do get defensive.

He came over last night, 9pm, I was nearly asleep, he's had a go at me saying I am moody ALL the time and I need to sort it out, then rolled over and gone to sleep. I've not heard a word from him today. What makes it worse is that an elderly family member (not my mum/dad) is having an operation today that we've been warned they may not wake up from. He knows I'm really worried and it's been radio silence all day. I did text him earlier to ask how he was, he's just replied saying not good because he's fed up of my moods. Nothing about the operation etc.

Am I being unreasonable here to think that considering we didn't even have a big argument last night it's pretty awful he's not asked about my family member? I don't actually see anything that I've done wrong. I put up with feeling like I'm bottom of his list all the time and I guess this really proves my theory Sad

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 09:51

Not too sure how we can come back from this

Do you really want to? He sounds like a fun sponge. Selfish. Gaslighting you. Seeing that you're tired and just moaning about it rather than offering to help/support you.

He sounds like an arse, to be honest. You'd be better off without.

Hope you get good news about your GDad.

aroundtheworldyet · 06/02/2020 10:05

I honestly don’t think you can come back from this.
No contact at all when you need support because he’s pissed off and annoyed with you.

What happens when you’re in hospital? If something awful happens to you or your children - god forbid.

Snog · 06/02/2020 10:26

I agree that this man doesn't like you or respect you. It's a very unhealthy dynamic and you are role modelling a bad relationship to your kids...this means they will think it's ok and even normal to be treated like this when they grow up and have relationships of their own.

it really isn't normal and it absolutely isn't ok, it's harmful for you to accept this kind of treatment. Sulking is not acceptable behaviour and neither is the way that he speaks to you. He's deliberately not giving you the emotional support that it's obvious to him you need at this difficult time. You need to get rid of him OP.

I'd also advise seeing a therapist to get behind the subconscious reasons why you have accepted this kind of behaviour for so long, if not you may find yourself in a future relationship with similar unhealthy dynamics.

Thanks for you and your dad

Itsallgonewoowoo · 06/02/2020 10:33

Sounds to me like he has to be the centre of attention. If he's at yours and you don't fit in with what he wants, he says you're moody. Strops off and waits for you to chase. I'd even guess that he is fully aware of your granddad and arranged a row so you are thinking about him not your granddad. The fact he is not prepared to be supportive when you need it, and in fact is adding to your hard time is not what a partner does. Dump him, and go spend time with your granddad OP Flowers

Butterymuffin · 06/02/2020 10:43

Hope your grandad improves OP Flowers

Now you've said you were going away at the weekend, I see what he's doing - he's confident because of that that you'll text and try to make things up with him. DON'T. Either cancel if you can, or postpone (tell them about your ill grandad and see if they'll let you shift it to another weekend) or take a friend / the kids instead. As for him, @AnuvvaMuvva called it:

I'd just never text him. He'll wait for ages for you to run round after him wanting to "make up" for the other night. So just don't bother. When he runs out of food or fancies a shag, he might contact you. At which point you say, "You call me moody and I've realised you're right - being with you makes me incredibly moody. So I don't want to see you anymore. Bye."

Dozer · 06/02/2020 10:44

There is no “we”. YOU can come back from this by dumping him and raising your bar for relationships.

If you organised / paid for the weekend trip, go without him. If he has, don’t go.

Urkiddingright · 06/02/2020 10:51

Just end things, I can’t see a possible reason to stick around. He sounds like such a dickhead, you must know this.

BaolFan · 06/02/2020 11:02

Dump him. He sounds like a lazy dementor!

When he says that you are 'moody' what he actually means is that you aren't blindly agreeing with everything he wants.

The disagreement about watching TV - my response to that would be that I'm not moody, I'm telling you we're in my house and if you don't like what I want to watch because the 'score' doesn't meet your standards, then feel free to go home.

The comments about wanting a hot drink and wondering who would make it - make it yourself you lazy arsewipe! This house is not a hotel. You think I'm moody when actually I'm tired - and you expecting a maid service doesn't help.

theoriginalmadambee · 06/02/2020 11:02

Can I suggest you read jamaisjedor's first dh thread? Sorry can't link but it's 'confronting dh about his sulking'. A totally different situation, but perhaps recognizable behavior and you may benefit from the advice on the thread. She is one strong lady Smile.

OldEvilOwl · 06/02/2020 11:32

You know he's waiting for you to text him don't you? Especially as your supposed to be going away. Don't message him at all. Maybe it will slowly dawn on him that he can't treat you like this?

Original poster
CheshireCat20 · 06/02/2020 15:13

Unfortunately my grandad didn't make it through the night which was unexpected but I'm still very sad. We were very close.

I've not heard a thing from DP - I feel like I should text him and tell him the news but then I think if he cared in the first place then he'd of asked Sad

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/02/2020 15:15

I'm so sorry sweetheart. Surround yourself with people who care - they're the ones you need right now Thanks

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 15:19

So sorry about your Grandad. Please go and spend time with your family and the people who love you, don't worry about him. He knew the situation and if he had a caring bone in his body he would have been in touch.

This tells you all you need to know about him.

I hope you have plenty of nice memories of your Grandad. Flowers

AnneKipanki · 06/02/2020 15:21
Flowers Sorry about your Grandad.
mummmy2017 · 06/02/2020 15:35

Does the fact he had not asked about your Grandad not tell you something.
Look at the complete strangers here on MN, we are all worried about you.xx

OldEvilOwl · 06/02/2020 15:46

Oh no sorry to hear about your grandad x

catwithnohat · 06/02/2020 15:48

cheshire Flowers

So sorry to hear about your granddad. And ditch the bf, if he's not being supportive of you at this time he's really a waste of space and not worth the effort.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/02/2020 15:48

Flowers Go spend time with people who love you and will be there for you.

Leave him to himself... I wouldn't bother telling him if I were you. If he cared he would ask! You don't need to be thinking about his feelings right now!

madcatladyforever · 06/02/2020 15:50

The only thing you need to do is dump this prick.
It doesn't sound like he gives a damn about you. Does he ever ask how you are or what is going on in your life?
No support at all over personal matters like the operation.
When my ex husband had a go at me for being "moody" what he actually meant was he was not having enough sex and I wasn't dancing attendance on him 24/7.
You have needs to and he seems unable to accommodate them or communicate like an adult.
Sounds awful.

Grape0 · 06/02/2020 15:54

So sorry to hear about your Granddad Flowers

Definitely bin off your hideous boyfriend - you deserve so much better!

Sugartitss · 06/02/2020 15:57

He must have a massive willy.

allthedamnvampires · 06/02/2020 16:02

Thanks OP x

TheReef · 06/02/2020 16:05

Tbh op I think he's done this on purpose and he's well aware of what's going on today and chosen today not to support you, infact it's a great time for him to twist the knife whilst he knows you're vunerable.

He seems to do the opposite of supporting you.

If you really want to continue in the relationship ( although for the life of me I don't know why), I suggest you only see each other weekends.

Dozer · 06/02/2020 16:09

V sad news.Flowers

Your grandad would probably not want you to stay with someone who treats you like your boyfriend. does.

Turn to someone better able to support you, family or friends.

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/02/2020 16:13

Referring to him as your Partner seems odd.
He is no support financially or emotionally , doesn’t live with you & provides any help but he is happy to treat your home as his & belittle you.

Why are you putting up with him?