Keeping some mystery in relationships

[ArtemisOfOrtygia]

It seems to me like the waters (amongst women) are very divided when it comes to "keeping some mystery" in relationships. Some women feel self-conscious about doing certain things in front of their partner, while other women think everything that's natural and normal shouldn't be hidden. I'm talking about things like farting and burping, going to the toilet, etc. in front of one's partner. I guess I'm just curious about both types of women...

To those that belong to the latter mentioned group:

• How have your partners (throughout life, not just current one) reacted to you doing these things in front of them?

• How do you find the confidence to do such intimate and, potentially, off-putting things in front of a partner?

To the women that belong to the first-mentioned group:

• What do you do when you have to stay in a hotel room with your partner, and you have to share an ensuite bathroom...and that's neither sound-proof, nor have any windows? Surely, it's not very romantic feeling to know your partner can hear you in the bathroom?

I'm asking because I always grew up learning that it's vulgar and unladylike to do certain things in front of people, and in front of men, particularly. I'm just unsure of how I'm supposed to cope with things (I deem to be) embarrassing in front of their partners. My fiancé wants us to live together, but I have told him I'd prefer it if we continue to live separately. When we go on holidays, I usually book an AirBnB that's big enough for the both of us to have some private space, or I book two separate rooms. But he finds it weird and unnecessary...

I'm in the camp of letting it all hang out. However, even if I was more reserved in a relationship (nothing wrong with that), I would suggest that if you are engaged and still refuse to live together or share a room on holiday you have bigger issues than just wanting to keep mystery in your relationship.

I would really suggest some counseling about how you feel about your body and intimacy etc before you get married.

Good luck

Btw as an aside, single now but in a relationship I have emitted probably every fluid imaginable infront of my partner due to illness or during sex and you know, if you love someone it doesn't matter!

I think dp and I both feel that where possible we will not do these things in front of each other but not at the expense of each other’s welfare and practicality.

Eg no farting unless asleep, waiting until the other person is out the shower to go in and use the bathroom. But we aren’t going to book an extra large hotel room, if necessary the other person can put on some music or something. Likewise I’ve had a bad run of UTIs lately and he knows the details as he cares about my welfare. It’s a balance.

Me and the dh are 6 years in and never trump or go to the toilet in front of each other etc... I like it that way. He may need to wipe my bum when I'm 80 so let's just slow build up to that shall we haha. Physical intimacy right now is sex, kissing and touch only, works for us

I'm in the camp of it's me, warts an all, but I do my know dh needs toilet visits to remain private. Personally I'd be happy to do it all in front of him, but I respect his needs so will try whenever possible not to need the loo when he's in the shower (we only have one bathroom and toilet).

I grew up in a fart in the bathroom household, would still prefer if DP would do this but he seems to enjoy farting far too much.

Me and DC often chat on the toilet so it has become fairly normal. No one uses the locks on the bathroom door so it's not uncommon to have someone walk in on you including DP, plus the toilet roll seems to constantly disappear so you have to call for someone to bring it for you.

Mind you, me and DP are not very romantic or loved up. I think what really did it was when the MW stuck a voltarol up my bum after DD2 and it shot back out. Once you've essentially had something shoved up your arse in front of someone and shot it back out there's really little mystery left.

Still hate the farting though. Although I'm pretty sure mine echo off the toilet bowl and can be heard across the street.

I'm in the first camp. I don't fart in public, the thought of relieving myself in front of anyone disgusts me, I don't clip my toenails with audience etc. There's just no need. I've been previously married for 10+ years and am currently in a co-habiting relationship. He finds my mindset bizarre to be honest as he thinks it's all natural or whatever. I prefer to keep some dignity.

However, what you are describing is a bit much in my opinion. How does he feel about you living separately and staying in separate rooms when away?

To answer your question, What do you do when you have to stay in a hotel room with your partner, and you have to share an ensuite bathroom...and that's neither sound-proof, nor have any windows? Surely, it's not very romantic feeling to know your partner can hear you in the bathroom? - I am very good at holding it in so can wait until we are in a different setting and use public toilets away from him.

I'm into keeping some mystery and after 30 years dh says he still doesn't know what each day will mean with me.
I don't think your examples are very mysterious though. We all go to the loo, all fart and burp.

We all go to the loo, all fart and burp

Yeah but it doesn't need to be a public spectacle, does it?

7 years in dh hasn't heard me fart or poo!!
Personal choice nowt about mystery!
Though recent thread and shades of bum hole are best kept a mystery imo...

Farting I don't mind too much but absolutely would not do a number 2 with husband present and would prefer not to have to do a number 1 either. Luckily we have two bathrooms but if it's an hotel ensuite I don't really care as long as the door is closed. He doesn't care in the slightest and I have to remind him to close the bathroom door.

My mum was horrified (literally - not exaggerating, she was shocked to the core) recently when I sent my husband to the shop for tampons when I was caught short. My husband found her reaction hilarious.

Yeah but it doesn't need to be a public spectacle, does it?

I'd rather do it in my own bathroom with DP overhearing than in a public toilet!

I am happy to wee in front of anyone but some other things not so much!

Having to hold in wees, poos and farts in if you’re in love and committed to each other. The holiday set up does sound VERY weird, and I think you need to speak to someone about this - it’s very extreme.

I don’t see this behaviour as keeping the mystery - mystery is about caring, knowing the other person and being there for them, saying and doing the things together that you both love.

Pooing and sorting period stuff we keep separate but other stuff we don’t go out of our way to flaunt, but we’re not giving ourselves stomach ache to hold a fart in. After 2 children, several hospital stays for serious illness and 20 years together, I’m happy that we accept each other without outdated delusions and have intimacy that surmounts such petty things.

7

Funny we were just talking about this in the office an hour ago!

I used to do the hold it all in and deal with the stomach ache at all costs kind of thing. Then I decided I couldn’t be bothered with it all. I’m 29 if that puts anything in to perspective, so still young.

I openly admitted I ‘woke myself up trumping’ to him and got it out of the way early in the relationship (about 5 months on). He found it hilarious. Then he heard it himself and told me he thought it was sweet. He’s accidentally done it in front of me too but we openly talk about these things like best friends do and feel secure enough to laugh at each other over a year down the line! we don’t trump or openly admit we need to poo in front of each other, there is some level of dignity and respect there!

He loves me so much, warts and all, and he’s shown me enough to make me not feel embarrassed about it all. Letting it go (excuse the pun!) has been easy and I’ve wondered why I hadn’t just done it all along in past relationships it would have spared so much anxiety! Life’s too short to spend it with someone who thinks women shouldn’t have the right to bodily functions

Oh we have open discussions about periods too, he boiled my mooncup for me a few months back

And maybe tmi but he’s offered and clipped my toenails too

We are a romantic of a couple as they get!

We wee and fart/burp in front of each other.

Have never pooed - and that's a closed door affair in our house. If there was some sort of medical emergency then the line may get crossed. Better than the alternative.

He's seen me give birth.....done all sorts of things to various areas of me. He's aware I have a human body that does human body stuff.

In hotels we have a code of "put the telly on" if one of us needs a poo. Has served us well for the last 15 years. The first year or so of our relationship I spent most nights in pain from holding in farts. Not going to live my whole life like that!

Also - having a daughter is enough of an eye opener for any man to realise that females fart and poop! No point pretending we dont!

DP and I don’t burp or fart or poo in front of each other (except if a fart slips out or on the couple of occasions we’ve been running on trails and suddenly needed to go) because we wouldn’t do it in front of anyone as it’s just not very pleasant. I don’t really understand people who think farting and burping loudly in front of anyone on purpose is hilariously funny.

But I’m not overly bothered if he overhears me in the bathroom. Experience has taught me that men don’t really think about this stuff consciously in the same way as women do, perhaps because they’re sort of immunised towards it with things like sports locker rooms and awful men’s toilets with no doors where men just do whatever. Honestly, if you poo in the en-suite in a hotel, he isn’t going to be lying there in bed thinking “gross, Artemis is having a poo.” It won’t register. I remember early on in the relationship when DP and I were away on holiday and we both had a bit of a dodgy stomach from the food and he asked me if I was having the same as him - when I assumed he bloody well knew because he’d have been able to hear it through the door!

My ex was so infantile about farting, it pissed me off. He thought it was hilarious to do massive farts when he woke up in the morning or against me in the night. Also if we were eating. Vile!

My new chap is a fart in the bathroom type of guy and hasn't openly done it in front of me, and I'm pretty much the same. I know we all fart and we are human, but there's letting it out discreetly and there's making a song and dance about it as if they deserve a fucking award.

It wouldn't bother me if he heard me weeing or saw me weeing, but not pooing...that's where the line is drawn.

We are between the two camps - if a fart happens it isn't a big deal, but you'd still say 'excuse me', and bathroom doors stay closed - but if either of us were having an urgent medical problem involving any kind of body fluid the other would expect to be able to go into the room and help in any way required. This especially kicked in during pregnancy/birth (which are hard on the "mystery" front!), before that the situation hadn't really come up so much.

It is not just about one’s romantic/sexual partner but I generally don’t do bathroom activities in front of anyone. I would never dream of weeing or pooing in front of my parents for example, showering in front of my siblings or even brushing my teeth in front of my female best friend. Just no. These are private activities and I am not interested in anyone else’s toilet or grooming habits either.
If I don’t want these above mentioned people see me doing these things, why would my partner be exempt from it? Because he saw me naked and we have sex?
Even if we share a hotel room and bathroom, I do these things in private and expect him to do the same.
I do like watching men shave their faces though...

I don't believe in the concept of "lady-like". It's an old idea pushed by societal expectation of those who have a vagina with no thought to their comfort or needs.

I am a "lady" (ha!) yet I fart and burp Infront of my husband. He doesn't like sharing the bathroom but I would quite happily pee Infront of him anyone, I draw the line at shitting though! Although he did have to help me with that during a particularly nasty bout of Norovirus last year and did so without issue because I really needed him and he cares about my wellbeing.

We have grown up together so he's seen and knows pretty much everything about me - I use cloth sanitary pads and he's even been known to wash/hang them to dry if needed... No airs and graces here. We're adults 😁

@SwishSwishSheesh farting every now and again in your own home is hardly making it a public spectacle :')