Keeping some mystery in relationships

[ArtemisOfOrtygia]

It seems to me like the waters (amongst women) are very divided when it comes to "keeping some mystery" in relationships. Some women feel self-conscious about doing certain things in front of their partner, while other women think everything that's natural and normal shouldn't be hidden. I'm talking about things like farting and burping, going to the toilet, etc. in front of one's partner. I guess I'm just curious about both types of women...

To those that belong to the latter mentioned group:

• How have your partners (throughout life, not just current one) reacted to you doing these things in front of them?

• How do you find the confidence to do such intimate and, potentially, off-putting things in front of a partner?

To the women that belong to the first-mentioned group:

• What do you do when you have to stay in a hotel room with your partner, and you have to share an ensuite bathroom...and that's neither sound-proof, nor have any windows? Surely, it's not very romantic feeling to know your partner can hear you in the bathroom?

I'm asking because I always grew up learning that it's vulgar and unladylike to do certain things in front of people, and in front of men, particularly. I'm just unsure of how I'm supposed to cope with things (I deem to be) embarrassing in front of their partners. My fiancé wants us to live together, but I have told him I'd prefer it if we continue to live separately. When we go on holidays, I usually book an AirBnB that's big enough for the both of us to have some private space, or I book two separate rooms. But he finds it weird and unnecessary...

I just can't be bothered with the pretence, and it's been that way from the very beginning. Our relationship didn't start off traditionally. Two dates in two days in which we sized each other up. Followed by a week long van trip in the mountains in my VW - no facilities, no showers, no mattress etc. It could have broken us, but I'd say it was our making.

We happily pee in front of each other, fart in bed, and burp infront of each other. The latter two are more so me, as I have gastrointestinal issues that make me gassy from both ends, and am desperate for any relief that a burp might offer. We do of course, have manners when we have guests round, but we're both human with bodies that do human things.

All this said, he has pooped while I was in the shower, and this was almost a step too far.

I have IBS. My dad did too I suspect. So farting is totally acceptable in our household. We apologize though.

All my live in relationships have been of the let it all hangout kind. I grew up on a farm (as did current DH) and it's all natural. Can't get het up about it.

I'm pretty repressed and wouldn't fart in front of a partner. Find it difficult on mini breaks etc to use the ensuite loo in a hotel.

I don't like it if a partner lets rip the whole time either - find it disrespectful as I'm sure they wouldn't do that at work. I'd also find it quite a turn off tbh. But I wouldn't expect to hold it in the whole time.

I'm happy to pee in front of someone and feel comfortable about periods/bleeding/sex though.

I don't burp (have never been able to!) but I have never consciously farted in front of a partner, and would never go to the toilet in front of them either. I wouldn't do that in front of anyone. I don't fart or sit on the toilet in front of my friends, parents or colleagues so not sure why I'd want to subject my boyfriend to it. It's not exactly conducive to romance

It's not that I or any of my partners to date think that women don't or shouldn't or do any of those things at all. They've all been normal, decent men, but to me it's just personal preference/privacy/courtesy and I would rather they didn't see, hear or smell any of my bodily functions.

I've always had pretty considerate partners in that respect; the occasional burp or fart slips out but none of them have ever made a spectacle of it or just let rip with gay abandon on a daily basis. Current DP is the same, and he wouldn't dream of leaving the bathroom door open while he goes, or coming in to do a poo while I was in the shower or anything.

We go camping a lot and I'll happily go off into the bushes to go, but I make sure that I can't be seen. If we're in a hotel with an en suite and I need a number 2 I either go before I get in the shower or wait until we're out and about and use public toilets.

I'm not sure that bodily functions should be referred to as "mysterious" 😂

I wouldn't poo or wee in front of a friend or family member, so why would I do it in front of my SO? It's fucking grim and I would be repulsed if he, or anyone, did those things in front of me.

However, I go get dressed in front of him if I must. I usually tell him to leave me alone though.

I have been with my DH for 32 years, since I was a teenager so dont have others to compare to but we are completely natural with each other. I have IBS and there is no hiding the fact, although I try to hold farts in but its not always possible. We just joke and laugh about it and talk about shitting quite a lot actually! classy

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's good to know others share my sentiments, and have found ways of preserving their privacy in their relationship. I'm looking forward to reading more replies.

I thought I'd quickly address some comments:

1. Someone mentioned I should seek counselling for being embarrassed, and there are probably bigger issues in my relationship because of my embarrassment
I don't understand why it's so common on this site to advise people to see a counsellor for the most banal and insignificant things, or to suggest that relationships are problematic, abusive, etc. for the slightest, non-problematic and non-abusive things. A person doesn't need to run to a counsellor for every single little problem they have. Seems very overredundant and unnecessary to seek professional help for being embarrassed about going to the bathroom in front of one's partner / other people (which seems to be a very common embarrassment to have). I also don't see how being embarrassment about something is a sign of problems in a relationship, if I'm honest.

2. Some mentioned that there's nothing mysterious about going to the bathroom, and that mystery is actually about knowing your partner
First of all, the latter doesn't really make sense. The word 'mystery' is defined as something you are perplexed by or don't understand, so that kind of contradicts the suggestion that mystery is about knowing a person. It' actually the exact opposite. I also didn't mean to suggest that going to the bathroom is a mysterious thing to do, it's obviously not. But never mind that. What I meant by "keeping the mystery" is that there are some things you don't necessarily want others to know or see. You want to keep that activity a mystery / unknown to them. I thought "keeping it / something a mystery" is a pretty common English saying? I'm not a native English speaker, so I might be wrong.

3. Someone mentioned they don't believe in "lady-like"
That's totally fine, but some of us don't believe lady-like mannerism and habits are a social construct.

I didn't fart in front of DH for years and years as i had IBS and never trusted a fart - so always went to the loo

Now i'm better i fart merrily in front of him and he thinks it's hilarious - novelty factor i assume

But poos and periods always behind a closed door, thank you very much.

some of us don't believe lady-like mannerism and habits are a social construct

Sorry, but it most definitely is a social construct. Some societies see a large belch at the end of a meal as a big old compliment, and you holding your burps in, all lady-like, would be an affront to the chef

You're still welcome to follow the rules up, mind.

Haha what's that film where the woman is trying to be mysterious to attract a man and says ,"I'm going to the bathroom....to do something very mysterious in there!"

As for me, I probably felt more self-conscious before I had children. DH has now seen me vomiting from dawn til dusk with morning sickness, cleaned the toilet after said vomiting, watched me push out a baby, helped me establish breastfeeding with my massive veiny post-birth boobs, been fully supportive of my post-natal constipation issues and done a victory dance with me on the landing when I finally managed to go, injected my stretchmark-ridden stomach with blood thinners after birth, helped me shower both times after birth, watched me have a c section, re-stocked the bathroom with sanpro in the subsequent heavy flow post-natal bleeding, seen my c section incision underneath my "apron" as the midwife checked it for infection....honestly at this point, in terms of my body I'd say there's no mystery left to be worried about!

Sorry, but it most definitely is a social construct
According to who, might I ask? Maybe burping is normal in some cultures, but then there are other things they consider to be lady-like instead. At best, I guess it's debatable what can be considered lady-like, but I have never seen any solid evidence that proves lady-like, as a concept, is constructed.

It's not about keeping mystery though is it, it's no mystery that we all fart and shit?!

I get some people don't feel comfortable doing so in front of others, in fact my DSis won't shit in the house when her DH is home and she gets super embarrassed if she accidentally farts in front of him.

DH and I on the other hand, have no shame and will do anything and everything on front of each other. We both got food poisoning on holiday once so it was a good job we don't care really. DH even shaved my fanny for me when I was pregnant. And cut and painted my toenails. I've wiped DHs bum for him when he hurt his back and couldn't twist to do it.

We still fancy the pants off each other 🤷

Also agree with Katniss about things changing slightly after having a child.

DH helped me shower in the hospital after my C-section and I'd shit myself without knowing cos I still didn't have full control. He wasn't bothered at all.

yeah, wait until you are giving birth in front of him and think you are doing a grand job of pushing the baby out but in reality you are shitting yourself! haha,

Of course lady-like is a constructed concept! I bet my ancestors who toiled down the pits and the one that came before them who worked on the land didn't behave in a 'lady-like' way - it's a Victorian concept based on 'othering' women.

But to your point, my DH has mopped up my sick and seen me giving birth - any concept of 'mystery' goes out the window after that. I don't poo in front of him and I'm not much of a farter. In hotel rooms we construct a polite fiction that you can't see or hear or smell anything, in the same way you nod and smile when a woman of child-bearing age says she's not drinking cos antibiotics...

Op, you asked views, you’re getting them and now you’re being quite snipey to those who disagree with you.

Your need to be ‘ladylike’ to the extent that you concealing your bodily functions to the point of refusing to live with your partner (you only mentioned this toilet thing as your reason) and needing to ensure holiday accommodation is large enough so you can disappear to poo or fart is extreme, and will be a problem moving forward.

Some people don’t do stuff in front of their partner, fine. Having it rule such big areas of your life verges on a phobia, not fine.

I’m very feminine but ladylike is a value judgement based on outdated views on women and their lesser place in the world.

I don't think you understand the definition of a social construct, ArtemisOfOrtygia

Of course the concept of being lady -like is a social construct.

I'm in the camp of politeness all round. Not going to the toilet in front of someone is just polite. It's nothing to do with bring lady like.

Booking separate room is a little extreme. And things do change once you have kids....the word poo gets said in our house numerous times a day!!

Some people are really uptight

I draw the line at incessant, smelly farts or a really nasty shit but everything else is fair game in our house

My partner and I still fancy the pants off each other.

If that makes me gross then so be it.

@ArtemisOfOrtygia, I am probably in that second category.
I probably was more self concious when I met dh but now, yes farting, buring, having a wee are all things that I woul nit think twice of doing in front of him.
Does it mean I do it all the time? No. Just that I dont feel embarrased if I do.

After all, this is the man I have had sex with. the man who has seeing me giving birth (think blood, poo, all my undercarriage etc...) so I would really hope he isnt going to be phased by a fart.

But I get that, if you have been brought up with the idea that afrting is absolutely unacceptable, this would be hard to shift (I had that with swearing. Never said a swear word until I was in my 20s and even then I purposefully pushed myself to do it. I still hardly say a swear word now in my 50s)

However like some PP, I do feel that refusing to share a room in a hotel because of that is going too far and of I was your fiance, I would really wonder what on earth is going on.

DP doesn't care. He knows women are human and that we have bodily functions just like men.

OP if you get pregnant and give birth, theres no guarantee that you wont poo yourself- unless you get a C section.

It's not about keeping mystery though is it, it's no mystery that we all fart and shit?!
I agree, but I already addressed what I meant by 'mystery' in the post above your's.

yeah, wait until you are giving birth in front of him
I personally don't intend on doing that, actually.

Of course lady-like is a constructed concept!
If it's such a matter of fact, why don't you provide some scientific resources that back your claim up?

I don't think you understand the definition of a social construct, ArtemisOfOrtygia
Because I disagree with you, you assume I don't understand? I actually just disagree with you, I do understand the definition.