Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

[PigeonStreet]

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

He sounds quite pathetic tbh.
Maybe he just needs to grow up and understand that blended families are bloody hard work, and forget his special label of empath.

He's not a special being who needs careful handling OP.

He's not compatible with living with you and your kids. Let the idea go and if he can't get on with them then you need to dump him. Packing up and buggering off after conflict is not a good example to set your kids full time.

"Empath" ffs, people have been watching too much StarTrek.

He sounds a pain, can you be bothered with his nonsense for the rest of your life?

He really isn't pathetic at all. He's pretty strong and has put himself through a lot for my DC's.

I know the label empath sounds mega wanky but it really does describe him well.

He's never seemed scared of the hard work, he spends hours on homework with DC's, cares for them when they're upset etc.

He sounds like hard work. Empath

I suppose you wouldn't keep going back to a counsellor who called you a sulker.

It doesn't matter. Empathy need to learn how to control their emotions as well as all the other types. Overeating isn't a good thing.

He just doesn't have the emotional maturity to take on a mother and kids full time.

He overreacts because he's not learned more appropriate ways of dealing with people. He's not exactly being empathetic to you, is he? He's using jargon to mask bad behaviour.

Ditch the label. Look at the behaviour. He's failing the audition to be a stepfather really quite badly, isn't he?

Is empath even a thing? He sounds like bloody hard word.

Relationships don't have to progress.
If you've struck gold and are happy then just stay with the arrangements as they are for now.

My Dad and his LTP both kept their houses and they were happily together for over 10 years before her passing.

Dear lord, he sounds like hard work. No way could I date someone like that, never mind live with them. Empath? Jeez.

So all other partners are completely straight forward and trouble free?
I appreciate it sounds like he's just a sulker but that's not all of it at all.

I just wondered if anyone else had similar experiences?

*over reacting

Oh dear, OP, he doesn’t sound very robust. When he ‘walks out’, do you mean he goes home for a few hours for a bit of peace, or do actually mean he ends the relationship? You describe him taking his stuff, so it’s sounds like he’s suggesting it’s permanent.

I couldn’t cope with that, far too emotionally taxing.

“ empath
/ˈɛmpaθ/
noun
(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual.”
Deary me 🤣🤣

How does he over react?

To be honest it's only happened a few times. Largely he just goes for a walk or gets out the way for a couple of hours. Last night he took his stuff which was a big change. .

Why on earth do you take the message from earlier posts that everyone else is problem free. Of course they're not. But it's utterly irrelevant to whether he is treating you and your DC well.

It's bloody exhausting to be dealing with someone who flounces when things get a little tough. And given the ages of your DC, it's likely to crop up over and over again in the teenage years.

Now, if you think you can live with someone who opts out when he feels like it, then go for it.

But don't think for one moment that what he does is OK

You need to put your kids and their needs over yours and your desire to live with this manchild empath. Blended families are often not the best for the children forced into them. This person is making it loud and clear to you that he is not the one for a live-in blended family relationship. He's got the best of both worlds right now, gets to sponge over at his girlfriends' - food, sex, saves money on bills, cleaning - and then clear out when her pesky kids displease him.

Just keep things how they are.

Your kids doing need the drama of someone like that moving in and out all the time, it's their home.

And what will inevitably happen if he moves in is that you will start hushing your kids or avoiding conflict so as not to create a scene. This starts small and will end up with a lot of compromises (mostly for your dc).

If he has his own place you won't be obliged to placate him each time there is a problem. He can just take himself off without it being a big deal.

OP he isnt more sensitive than others.

He cant manage his own emotions and if things do go exactly how he feels they should he cant handle it.

You shouldnt need to manage him. He is a grown man.

Imo, anyone who has ever had the label 'empath' usually are the type of person who expect their feelings to be out first, because they 'feel it so much deeper than everyone else'.

Usually every situation is over shadowed by how they feel. They have all the focus on them and their reactions.

So his behaviour is escalating?

Interesting

From your OP I read

Is a martyr who has a tantrum when he doesn’t get what he feels he deserves in return? And has unrealistic expectations of the emotional maturity of a 15 or 11yo

By no means does he sponge off me. He is very much an equal and contributes half to shopping, cooking, cleaning etc without being asked. That's why I suppose I have started to think about living together because it feels v equal in some ways .

But yes I am finding the flouncing off very challenging. It is definitely not the example I want setting to the DC's.

So all other partners are completely straight forward and trouble free?

Nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect, I'm a bit of a worrier. DH isn't perfect, he can be a bit of a grump.

What we don't do is take the very worst of ourselves and spin it into some kind of special person status and an emotional trip wire for the people around us.

Course not . Because
It’s called emotional abuse.