Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

[PigeonStreet]

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

Look, if he can't manage his emotions while living with kids, it doesn't matter why he can't. It just means he can't.

he spends hours on homework with DC's, cares for them when they're upset etc. No. You are meant to be doing that. He is your stroppy overemotional boyfriend. He should not be caring for YOUR children while they are upset.

You need to give your head a wobble. He can't live with you and your kids if he's like this, and he shouldn't be doing the emotional-care side of parenting with them. Especially if his own emotions are so poorly managed that he reacts with dramatic flounces.

The fact that someone has a label doesn't mean they have a free pass for behaving like a shitwit while everyone else dances attendance on them.

Thanks everyone for replying. Even the harsh ones. I didn't expect anything less from MN tbh.

Thanks 4am and sonjadog for reassuring me that people can genuinely be highly sensitive and it's not just made up bollocks. I agree the term empath is stupid.

I am very clear with him and DC's tht stropping off is not acceptable behaviour and it certainly isn't something I would accept.

I plan, at some point, after I've enjoyed some time with the DC's, to sit down with DP to discuss this.

I don't feel that all is lost and maybe a compromise can be reached where we prevent some of these situations occurring. He does normally take responsibility for his actions and readily reflects that he got overwhelmed. We do usually get out for lots of long walks and he usually has time alone with his hobby, both of which he hasnt had this week.

But I don't want this to become a pattern. If we have got a future I will be thinking about what I and my DC's need.

@Shadyshadow

Actually, unlike you, I've gone with what the OP said about him. She said he is empathetic. It is actually you who refuses to listen to the OP when she is clearly stating that he is a lovely caring guy because you are determined to make him out to be some sort of bastard. I don't believe in the diagnosis but I do believe that the OP feels the term is descriptive of him both in the general sense and when used to diagnose a certain group of personality traits. It doesn't matter whether it is a real diagnosis or not, clearly the OP feels we are talking about someone who fits that criteria and that's the only thing that matters.

Frankly, that is something you learn as a GP. You might call your ailment Gobbledegook but once I know that it's lower right quadrant abdominal pain with fever and vomiting, I'm going to call it Gobbledegook but treat you for appendicitis.

"Empath" ffs, people have been watching too much StarTrek.

Pmsl @TwitcherOfCurtains my first thought! I bet you his counsellor speaks Klingon and is avidly watching the new ‘Picard’. 🤣

He sounds extremely immature, OP, like he’s tried to show you how great he is, how sympathetic and that the dc love him, whereas actually, he’s too immature to handle any kind of issue. Emotionally stunted, not an empath.

Sorry but I find it hilarious to believe in HSP but not empaths. To me, it's the same pseudo psychology.

I know the label empath sounds mega wanky

Yup, because it is and he is using it as an excuse. I would shut that kind of special pleading down right away. He needs to deal with family like like a grown up, not sulk and hide behind a made up label.

Troy to the bridge!

He has zero emotional intelligence or maturity

You say empath, I say immature bellend

So he avoids conflict by running away, which obviously works for him but that behaviour is incompatible with living with teenagers.

He’s neither pathetic or a wimp but someone who is very sensitive to the sensory overload that comes with conflict. This is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he wants to work on developing coping strategies for dealing with conflict.

FFS, he sounds hard work and controlling. Please don't make your children live with him.

@agentjohnson

Do you think every adult must learn to deal with arguments with teenagers?

@lunar1

What is controlling about leaving someone? Surely it would only be controlling if he forced her to come with him. Making an autonomous decision to leave is not controlling even if it is unkind.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Does he do this at work? Grab his keyboard and flounce out of the building? With friends if he has a disagreement?

No, I bet he doesn't.

It's emotional manipulation and he chooses to do it. You don't have to choose to put up with it

He sounds like a bit of a stroppy wanker tbf.

He has taken his stuff back home, being all arsey.

I would tell him that he can stay in his home with all of his stuff. Ffs.

He needs to be an adult and grow up.

Is his counsellor qualified?

He does normally take responsibility for his actions and readily reflects that he got overwhelmed
Do people actually spend their life over analysing everything? Why does the relationship need to be this bloody difficult?
Wonder if he flounces out at work for reflection??

So mumsnet is perfectly happy with the term “emotional vampire” but “empath” is just too science fiction 🤣

Being empathetic and being an 'empath' is 2 different things.

Most people are empathetic.

No one is an empath. Its not a diagnosis and not a real thing.

Yes well someone who leans on people to do all their emotional lifting is one thing and believing you are somehow calibrated to absorb the feeling of others, above and beyond all the other humans, is quite another.

Oh, hold on...I'm feeling something, I'm being hailed by the Klingons, they're pissed off and feeling fighty, you might want to put the shields up Captain.

@littlejalapeno, no one ever comes on here and claims proudly that their boyfriend’s counsellor ‘diagnosed’ them as an emotional vampire.

But for what it’s worth I think the term tossed about far too lightly on here is ‘narcissist’, which sounds as if it has a diagnostic weight, when what is meant is ‘someone deeply unpleasant’.

Sounds like he’s the one who causes drama tbh, with the flouncing.

OP you said He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee.

And now I agree the term empath is stupid.

So you agree that he fits the traits perfectly of this 'diagnosis', but also think it's stupid?

If you believe he fits it too a tee, how can you disagree with the term?

What’s he said since his flounce? Has he apologised or is he keeping his stuff and hasn’t said whether or not he wants to come back?

Like any of us who are struggling with our mental health emotions or feelings, Id suggest he would benefit from counselling to help him control his feelings and know when it’s ok to step back and let others get on with dealing with their shit, as well as to understand that sometimes no matter how much you care it is not possible to fix situations.
He needs better coping strategies, that’s all.
Many people are sensitive. And also psychic, perhaps there is a bit of that going on too. If so he’s needing to ask his angels to help him.

@Naomh my comment was in jest but was the way she described it proud though? Sounds like he has been given a word as a tool to understand himself better and she felt it relevant to asking for advice in this situation. Hopefully that leads to coping mechanisms and an easier life for the OP.

Lots of start trek fans here it would seem. That I did not expect! 😂