Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

[PigeonStreet]

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

Maybe he feels that it can't work unless he does stick around. Maybe that isn't the case and the OP could compromise given that she has clearly stated he is wonderful in many ways.

He is an adult. He needs to manage his own emotions. The reason he gave up on having a ltr, because he cant handle himself.

Who wants to be with someone who lead you to think they have dumped you after a disagreement.

What compromise can OP make. He packed his stuff and told her he would probably be better off alone. He is maki g her concerned he has dumped her or will dumped. He is leaving her not knowing what's going on.

Where should she compromise?

Exactly. If he is an empath surely he realises by way of his special skills that flouncing out with his stuff makes you feel insecure?
So he knows how it makes people feel, right?
Because he’s an empath ??
So he wanted to make you feel shit? 🤔

He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

He's spot on. Take him at his word. There's no compromise here that doesn't involve your kids, who are children, having to walk on eggshells in their own home because this man cannot manage his emotions.

Maybe they can sit down like adults and acknowledge that he can't stick around during those times and the OP can decide whether she can have a relationship where he doesn't. She may well feel that all his other qualities she mentioned is worth having to deal with the conflict alone.

How do you sit down with someone, like adults, with someone who feels so deeply he packed his stuff and left.

Why would OP compromise? Yes, everytime theres crossed words you can pack your stuff and leave. You can put your feelings above my own and my kids.

How is he an empath? If he was he would understand and be prioritising her feelings. He isnt. He is prioritising his own. What about the teens feelings, where is his empathy there?

Someone needing a bit of space, fine, we all need that sometimes. Someone effectively threatening to end the relationship because a of a fall out with a teenager? Not ok.

It sounds like there was a fair amount of chaos. Nothing suggests to me that she couldn't sit with him in a less stressful environment and have a heart to heart.

I'm not sure that prioritising someone's feelings over your own is always the most ethical or empathetic thing to do. Espcially when you are aware that it isn't sustainable for you. In that case it is actually cruel.

Maybe they can sit down like adults

Maybe he can behave like one?

I don't think it is immature to leave a situation which is already chaotic and emotionally fraught if you believe your own reaction is only likely to exacerbate the negativity. Seems pretty grown up to me.

Rather than accepting his 'empath' diagnosis, have a google of 'altruistic narcissist' and see if that term could just as easily apply - because I think it might. 'Empath' doesn't exist as a diagnosis, so I'm not sure why a counsellor would use it. Are you sure he didn't just tell you that is what the counsellor said because it's what he wants you and others to think? Could he be gaslighting you?

His behaviour would certainly give me pause, not just because it might mean way worse is to come if he is an altruistic N, but for all the other reasons PPs have mentioned.

Chaos? An argument with a teen.

Its pretty standard. Of course it empathetic to think about how your behaviour is impacting someone you love, to think about how your strop and hint that youa re ending the relationship is impacting the person you love and her kids.

He is not empathetic.

I have heard any mention of him having children so big arguments with teens might not be a part of his every day life.

I didn't argue with my parents either. Disagree perhaps but not screaming matches. Perhaps the odd slammed door followed by the blasting of whatever music I felt was dark and edgy.

@GEEpEe he disnt leave to get some space. He packed his stuff and told OP he was probably better alone. He hinted, hugely, that the relationship is over or that he is considering it to be over.

He didnt say he needed some space, he put her in an emotionally upsetting situation.

There was no need for thay. Packing his stuff and saying that was designed to make her feel bad. Yo make her think about managing behaviour of her and her son to avoid him threatening to end the relationship again.

He reminds me of an 8yr-old who doesn't get their own way in a game of football at the park and so flounces off home with the ball. And all the while they're sneaking looks behind them to see whether anyone is going to run after them and beg them to come back.

There are many words to describe this man, but "empath" would be somewhere near the bottom of a very long list.

@GEEpEe where did OP say there was a screaming match, or chaos?

He was a teen. He cant handle his own emotions as an adult. I image it was worse when he was a teen. Wheres the empathy with a teen?

I'm curious about the nature of these 'fallouts' and arguments with your kids.

It's also telling that you started a thread all about this bloke, OP, and not about the effect he's having on your kids, who have no agency and literally have to put up with whatever adults foist on them.

The OP described a "drama" that was "different" to previous times. She said that the "flouncing" has occured a few times. She also mentioned that he is able to care for the children when they are "upset".

From that, we can deduce that there have been a few arguments and last night was the worse. Since we know he is empathetic when they are upset, we can reasonably assume that his issue is with anger rather than any negative, strong emotion. People often have screaming matches when they are angry. I don't think it is unreasonable to assume there were raised voices in the last row

He sounds a lot like my ex, although it took me years to work this out. Damage was done.
As for the therapist’s (alleged) comment - as others have said, this is bona fide bullshit. If they did say that to him, I can tell you now there isn’t a good chance of a positive therapeutic outcome (in a way which might be helpful to you and your kids.)
Please don’t throw your lot in with this manchild.

He isn't an Empath.
As pointed out this isn't a real term outside of Star Trek and he doesn't meet that definition.
He is a flouncing drama lama so I wouldn't be moving in with him.
I would be looking at my own boundaries and what I needed from this relationship.

Since we know he is empathetic when they are upset, we can reasonably assume that his issue is with anger rather than any negative, strong emotion.

Ni we dont. Empath is not a diagnosis. He has shown not empathetic ability at all. Hr hasnt even shown empathy.

People often have screaming matches when they are angry. I don't think it is unreasonable to assume there were raised voices in the last row

Raised voices and screaming matches are 2 different things. Completely different. And you are guessing there were raised voices.

Had he have said he needed to step away, it would be different. He didnt, he oacked his stuff and, basically, told op he is rethinking the relationship. That is unless she moderates her and/or her sons behaviour.

That's not ok. That's shitty. And its controlling. The expectation is that OP will now try and smooth things over, 'manage' her son as to not upset him again or be threatened with being dumped.

Not ok.

Is him that needs to manage the situation, not you. I would be described as an empath, it's tough sometimes but you have to learn to cope with it. I can't expect other people to adjust themselves and equally wouldn't be able to walk out whenever my kids are emotional. If he loves you all in the way you hope then HE would be able to get round it.

@GEEpEe actually dont bother responding.

I see from your posting history that you feel very sorry for poor men.

I dont really want to engage with a someone stating they are a GP, who also believes in a diagnosis of empath and believes a working parent cant bond and competently look after their own child for a few hours. Unless the other parent works.

Yous posting history is very odd. Full of assumptions and 'poor menz' posts.

So thank, but no thanks.

Rather than being an "empath" could he be "over-sensitive"? I was called over-sensitive in very school report I ever had. It is true, I do seem to feel things very deeply and it takes me a while to bounce back, but it isn't a special skill (or even a desirable one), and is managed by pulling myself together and sometimes going out for a long walk with the dog. I would never behave like him. His behavior seems rather self-indulgent and thoughtless of the upset he is causing the people he is so empathetic with.

I agree with @sonjadog, except for the 'over' sensitive bit. Feeling deeply affected by situations and other people's emotions that seem to just bounce off others isn't something you have much control over, but how you react to it is.

I think I'm similar to your DP - stressful situations will stay with me for days and I definitely take on the emotions of others - but he needs to manage himself so he can operate in day to day life and not opt-out. That might mean more time alone, or time to decompress after emotional or stressful situations, but he shouldn't flounce - that is just being selfish and running away from real life.

Google highly sensitive person (HSP) - might give some tips to help him. I also use CBT type techniques to bring myself back down to earth, try to have as good boundaries as I can, and always always feel better after a good night's sleep. Also, I don't spend too much time around my mother, as she's similar, but doesn't manage it well - I can be a bit of a tearful wreck after seeing her for too long, as she's the person who's emotions I take on most strongly, and she has a whole heap of them sloshing around.

My DH thinks HSP is all bollocks btw, but fortunately he's someone who also needs a lot of time to himself, so I can manage myself and de-stress without him really noticing