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Original poster

Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

148 replies

PigeonStreet · 03/02/2020 17:30

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 03/02/2020 22:40

Why is it that so called empaths are only so sensitive to their own feelings, with zero regard for how their selfish behaviour makes others feel? Making a situation about yourself is not empathising or being highly sensitive, it's being a pathetic selfish wanker.

AgentJohnson · 04/02/2020 06:00

Let’s be honest, the main reason we put up with the shitty side of parenting is because we don’t really have a choice.

DD is pretty easy going but has her moments, However, I’ve know her since she’s been in existence, which contributes massively to my tolerance. My patience with her teenage friends is less than forgiving.

Your partner got himself out of an environment he isn’t comfortable with, which was the right thing to do.

Your relationship goals are not compatible because he struggles with the very thing you want, which is being in your children’s lives full time.

Shadyshadow · 04/02/2020 06:06

As has previously being said, remivi g yourself from a stressful situation can be sensible.

Packing your stuff and hinting you are ending the relationship is poor behaviour. It's designed to throw the OP off make her worry and make the teenager feel guilty.

Chances are he wont end the relationship but will guide OP on how she can better manager her son and herself so he doesnt feel the need to do this again.

YouJustDoYou · 04/02/2020 06:11

My friend tells everyone she is an Empath. She says she has to be very careful who she is around as she takes on all their emotions. She's in reality a very draining individual who believes she is special but is actually.just exhausting to be around because she makes everything about her, what she's feeling, how she needs this and that etc and ironically nothing is about anyone else's actual.feelings at all.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 04/02/2020 06:13

Another one saying that the label isn’t helping anyone. We’ve all got feelings, we all need to deal with them like adults. Empaths included.

category12 · 04/02/2020 06:28

Do you think every adult must learn to deal with arguments with teenagers?

Every adult who intends living with teenagers needs to deal with conflict with said teenagers and behave like an adult, not an asshat.

Op, I think you're rushing things with this man and letting him be too involved with your children and take on too much of a parental role that he's not suited to. If you insist on staying with him, he needs to wind his neck in and you need to be doing the parenting.

RuffleCrow · 04/02/2020 06:35

I'm not sure being an empath is about not being able to handle basic human interaction op. If anything it should make relationships easier because you understand where the other is coming from. Sounds like there might be something else at play.

housinghelp101 · 04/02/2020 06:37

I was the child in this situation. I got used to regulating my own emotions to preserve/maintain my stepdad 's, otherwise he would flounce. This caused me to have very skewed ideas about my own entitlement to emotions, (I didn't think I was allowed) and in my 40's I realise now that that is why historically I attract drama llamas empaths. It is a really horrible situation to be in and it gets to the stage you have anxiety waiting for the next flounce. Do not move in with this man OP and explain to him that your mumsnet counsellor describes you as a boundarist - someone who needs to put very firm boundaries in place to prevent those who cannot regulate their emotions from destroying them.

CalleighDoodle · 04/02/2020 06:46

Op you said you wont tolerate this behaviour. He packed his things and left. If it is not over then what next anyway? He left. You wont tolerate it. That’s it.

HelgaHere1 · 04/02/2020 06:46

Why is he an empath. I would say I was probably one. Due to living with an alcoholic DM - You need a 4th sense to pick up whether she is drunk or not, whether she is a happy drunk or an angry drunk on any one night, on whether others have noticed she is drunk or not, on putting on a face that you are ok when you are really gutted and unhappy, etc etc.
Your self iesteem is low so you are a 'really nice person' ie sympathise, empathise etc etc - but that's a way of being and not the real you because ifyou were sooo kind you'd be saving the homeless or something.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 06:55

@category12

No that's not a norm for everyone I'm afraid.

I think a few people might have the mistaken idea that a new partner is meant to put up with your child's lack of self control and general disrespect. Remember, they are a person deciding whether you are the right person for them. I can see why a child who regularly causes conflict might put them off.

housinghelp101 · 04/02/2020 06:55

Again, as the child in this situation: I wonder do the children actually benefit/enjoy him spending hours on their homework or do they put up with it as they know th at his need to help and feel useful come first?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 04/02/2020 07:05

One unprofessional counsellor's "empath" is a competent counsellor's "totally lacking in boundaries".

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/02/2020 07:08

Empath 😂

So many good points made on this thread, but especially the old chestnut that applies to all potentially abusive men - does he behave like this at work? Does he get overwhelmed and need to retreat to his safe space away from his colleagues? Or is it just at home, with you and your kids, that his "diagnosis" kicks in?

Secondly, empathy is a positive trait which allows you to genuinely understand why someone else might be feeling the way they are. Not something which makes you a special snowflake, doing the "pay attention to meeeeeeeeee" flounce. He's not empathetic, he's a manipulative attention seeker, but I can see why that might not be so palatable as a verdict from his counsellor.

movingdilemma1234 · 04/02/2020 07:14

I knew a person who had been diagnosed with EUPD. They described themselves as an empath.
Not must difference imo

VeganCow · 04/02/2020 07:18

Tbh the way you say your 'empath' (wtf) is totally great the rest of the time, rings a bell here - so are physical abusers, narcissists and sociopaths - when it suits them. When it doesn't, they turn into complete and utter twats.

If these men weren't nice most of the time, women wouldn't get with them in the first place, and they also wouldn't handwring over these losers and do the should I leave him or stay (cos he is usually SO nice). Would a nice mature man walk away from a house with kids living there, when it all gets too much? No, he would man up.

I suggest he actually has a lack of empathy, not too much.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 07:32

This is the cocaine thread all over again...

Shadyshadow · 04/02/2020 07:34

I wonder how many time he has packed his stuff up and work and told them he might not be coming back?

Oulu · 04/02/2020 07:49

Someone who really empathises with others doesn't flounce off as soon as the going gets slightly tough. They would have the strength to deal with it and understand where other people are coming from.

Oulu · 04/02/2020 07:51

Chances are he wont end the relationship but will guide OP on how she can better manager her son and herself so he doesnt feel the need to do this again.

Seriously? A man who doesn't know OP's son and can't deal with family fallouts without walking away is going to mansplain to OP how to manage her son better and everything will be fine? That's really going to work well for everyone.

FourTeaFallOut · 04/02/2020 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourTeaFallOut · 04/02/2020 07:52

Jesus, sorry, wrong thread.

category12 · 04/02/2020 08:03

I think a few people might have the mistaken idea that a new partner is meant to put up with your child's lack of self control and general disrespect. Remember, they are a person deciding whether you are the right person for them. I can see why a child who regularly causes conflict might put them off.

A. You don't know if there was general disrespect or lack of control on the part of the teen. B. If a person wants to live in a household where there are children and teenagers, they absolutely have to deal or not live there. They are a person who needs to choose whether family life is for them. And the parent is a person who needs to decide if the partner is right for them and their dc. The incomer can't have the person they want without accepting their dependents, who are people with their own opinions.

Shadyshadow · 04/02/2020 08:06

Seriously? A man who doesn't know OP's son and can't deal with family fallouts without walking away is going to mansplain to OP how to manage her son better and everything will be fine? That's really going to work well for everyone.

No its not. It's not going to work well for everyone. Not in the slightest. But I still bet thats what happens.

@category12 it's quite amazing that people are assuming the teen is difficult, there must have been drama, shouting or 'screaming matches'. It must be the teens fault, apparently.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 08:06

No my parents or step parents didn't have to deal with regular conflict that gradually worsened over time. I get that these sorts of dynamics are a norm for you but I didn't grow up in a hostile angry environment where anyone was kicking off a lot of the time. I wouldn't think that as a regular occurrence would be a feature of having a relationship with someone who has teenagers. I wouldn't assume there will be drama like that.

Are those sorts of situations normal for you then? Arguments and the like?

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