Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

[PigeonStreet]

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

Sorry OP he doesn't sound like someone who should be around DC. He is modelling very poor behaviour to them - when you get annoyed, you have a strop and walk away? Also I can imagine it wont be long till your worried about him stropping and change your behaviour/walk on egg shells.

I think you need an honest discussion with him that his behaviour is not acceptable and he needs to manage his emotions better and take it from there. But it sounds as if he is unlikely to really take it onboard.

OP his dramatic walk out with his stuff was designed to make you and your son feel bad because you werent acting how he wanted. He wants you to worry he wint come back, wants yous ds to feel bad because his mum is now upset and worried.

Do you know what's that's called?

I wouldn't say it's escalating per se. But yes last night was different to previous times.

He is very good at thinking about and considering other people's feelings most of the time and he doesn't demand that his emotions come first.

He just seems a bit overwhelmed sometimes and doesn't know how to handle it.

He has never been violent or aggressive.

He has never been violent or aggressive.

He has you on tenterhooks wondering how to adapt to his needs as an empath while he pitches a hissy fit.

So all other partners are completely straight forward and trouble free?

Nobody said that. In fact the MN relationships board is chock full of descriptions of partners that any sensible woman would run a mile from. You've just added one. Sorry, but over-sensitivity, inability to deal with own emotions, tendency to storm off - all would be massive red flags for me.

He absolutely does demand his come first. Who's emotions are coming first now.

The woman he says he loves, her children's?

Of course its escalating, or does he pack his stuff the other times.

Abuse isnt always violent and aggressive. It's often things like this. Guilting people into acting how you want, acting in ways that make people upset or worried you will leave them. Leaving people in limbo not knowing what happens.

All designed to make you and your kids moderate your own behaviour

Yes I know what emotional abuse is. Both personally and professionally.

And no i don't think this is it. However yes I can see how, if I pandered to him it may become more about him.

I get the need for space sometimes but taking his stuff feels a bit dramatic. I think if me I’d talk to him and say he had a massive overreaction and see if he agrees with hindsight?

I'm sorry, a counselor (someone qualified and certified?) told your husband he has a paranormal power? What?!

Empath? You know that's a billy-bollox, pseudo term, don't you? It literally has no real meaning in psychology. His counsellor sounds like a twat. Or he's a flaky, narcissistic liar.

OP what do you want people to say he is manipulating you and your kids, or at least trying to.

He is a grown man who cant deal with his emotions and has a tantrum. His whole 'I probably should be alone' is all designed to make you feel guilty and moderate your kids and you to get him to come back.

If you cabt recognise that as emotional abuse, there isnt much anyone can say.

He absolutely is putting his feeling first. Wheres his empathy to you? Or your son?

He has been given a label that, he feels, allows him to react how he wants. Sod what that does to you. And you are going along with it

Run a mile. He will be an utter nightmare to live with.

Any time I've heard someone described as an empath it has very much seemed like it was a more pc way of calling them a drama llama.

He sounds like a precious drama queen tbh. Soz

He sounds like a nice guy but if it doesn't disrupt your future goals too much, maybe maintaining a second home for a bit of time out might be the way you can make this work.

Why is it so bad for him to step away in stressful times? Would you prefer he try and sort out the argument with you?

I'm thinking Empath is code for :

Stroppy
Easily Offended
Attention Seeking
Making Situations About Him that have little to nothing to do with him.

I would take a long break and hope he sorts his emotional instability, and not try to look to excuse it

Do your DC like him?

If not, I wouldn't think twice about calling time.

Why is it so bad for him to step away in stressful times?

He packed his stuff that he had there and told her he would probably be better off alone. That's not stepping back in stressful times.

So basically he’s happy to be around when all is sweetness and light but the moment anyone has an argument he can’t cope and is outta there?

Nobody likes arguments. Everyone feels uncomfortable when one happens in the house. Some more than others perhaps. But being a grown up means you get on with it, take a breather in another room if you need to, but don’t pack up your stuff and leave.

Being overly invested in trying to fix everyone else’s problems isn’t actually some amazing trait - it comes with its own set of issues and usually is that people who are very good at this quite like control. It is a good way to try to control your environment for everyone to rely on you for emotional and practical support, to be some kind of emotional guru means that you create deep intimacy with everyone around you
But the downside is when he feels his needs are not met or someone goes against what he feels should happen, he can’t handle it

I'm not sure 'empath' is a recognised medical diagnosis. More something someone has picked up in New Age Weekly.

He's Captain Overeacting - makes other people's issues all about him 'over identifies with others to the point where he takes on their feelings for himself '. To me, that belittles and demeans that person's own concerns. If it were me I'd never tell him anything again because of the Uber Angst (my mother is similar).

You don’t say what the argument was about or what your DC did that seemed to upset this man

Empath? You know that's a billy-bollox, pseudo term, don't you? It literally has no real meaning in psychology

Exactly. It would immediately make me want to know a whole lot more about the counsellor's qualifications, or whether s/he is just some idiot who did an online diploma and has windchimes in their room.

OP, it's a meaningless term. Forget the cod label. The behaviour you are describing is not that of a well-regulated adult, it's that of an immature teenager who has no capacity for dealing with stress or disagreements in an adult manner, but flounces out of the room thinking 'And THEN they'll be sorry!'

When teenagers do this, it's because their brain hasn't developed fully yet -- what's your boyfriend's excuse?

Maybe he feels that it can't work unless he does stick around. Maybe that isn't the case and the OP could compromise given that she has clearly stated he is wonderful in many ways.

He's an adult, 'falling out' and flouncing with a 15-year-old.

What would happen if you were a specially gotten Empath and had to walk out every time there was a row with kids in the vicinity? You wouldn't, because you step up and be the adult.

Whether or not it's actual emotional abuse (and agree with the others that given the escalation it could easily head that way), he's not cut out to be a live in partner for someone with DC, let alone a stepfather in a blended family.

If he's that empathetic, he'll empathise with your need to put your kids first and keep him living elsewhere.