Is it possible to manage a relationship with Empath DP and my kids?

[PigeonStreet]

Dp and I got together a few years ago after I separated from my ExH. He and I already knew each other as friends and he knew my DC's.

We live relatively near each other and so we have found it quite easy to have together time as well as our own space.

He was only told recently by a counsellor that he was an empath but it absolutely describes him to a tee. He is incredibly selfless, caring and kind as well as brilliantly intuitive with the DC's age 15, 11 and 9. But he does 'over react' a lot to situations because he feels emotions so deeply and often over identifies with others to the point where he tales on their feelings for himself .

He also needs to have space which I have also accepted from the start as I also needed some alone time with the DC's. I am very much in love with him and he is with me. I don't doubt his devotion to me. He said he never imagined he would find love like this and had given up on a ltr.

But I naturally am starting to think about us living together in the future and to a large extent he already lives most of the week at my house.
However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left. He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own.

Am I being over optimistic in thinking we can ever manage a 'traditional' relationship. How much compromise is reasonable when you live someone?

You're convinced on no evidence that "fall-outs" must mean screaming matches, kicking off, hostility and anger and that they're inevitably the fault and instigation of the teenager. I can't roll my eyes hard enough for that.

I'm going by what the OP has said about them..

OP hasnt said there was kicking off, screaming or shouting.

The only drama mentioned was the boyfriends creation

If empath is another name for drama queen, then yes, he's definitely an empath

Okay reading lesson time

From the OP:

"However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest,"

This tells us there has been recent "fallouts" with oldest child.

"DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. "

We know from this that the guy leaves when these fall outs occur.

"The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left."

The OP describes the latest fall out as "drama". Not the guy's action, the fallout with her child is what she calls "drama".

It is clear that her eldest child is involved in a lot of conflict in the house and the intensity of this conflict is increasing. Why should anyone have to stay around for that? Why would you want to be in a relationship where this is a common theme? People like harmony and peace. Dealing with angry teenagers isn't everyone's idea of a good and healthy relationship.

Hi @PigeonStreet, it's lovely that you have found someone that's such a good fit for you. It does start to get complicated when you have children to think about. After all they have to get used to having someone who is not their choice potentially cohabiting with them which can bring up all sorts of emotions for them that need to be considered.

As a family you are also going through the normal teenage issues associating with their development into adults. It's not always pretty and a lot of tolerance and understanding is required when faced with the sometimes toxic cocktail of hormones, boundary pushing and differences of opinion. It's very messy as you know.

I am currently navigating this with my partner as we are thinking about making the commitment to live together. Unfortunately whatever you do it's going to take some adjustment on all sides and conflict is inevitable. It's part of life and being able to manage conflict is a big part of emotional intelligence.

What struck me is your partner's potential to deal with this conflict by withdrawing. It seems a bit like an avoidance tactic and I say that as someone who feels deeply and takes a while to get over upset but you have to stay with it, bear the uncomfortable feelings and for him, find strategies to be supportive of you as the 'step parent'. Otherwise the opportunity for intimacy is lost. Perhaps your partner needs to consider his ability to cope with intimacy. This is intimacy with your children as well as intimacy with you. You can either develop into one big messy 'family' or compartmentalise his role in it which may not end up with the happy outcome you are looking for.

"The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left."

The OP describes the latest fall out as "drama". Not the guy's action, the fallout with her child is what she calls "drama".

Sounds very much to me as if the drama comprised partner's flounce at least as much as what her son was doing.

@GEEpEe why do you feel the need to mans plain, incorrectly on every thread you appear on?

However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest,

Recent fallout do not indicate shouting, screaming or drama.

DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house

This means nothing about the teen. This man can not deal with adult emotions.

The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left."

Nowhere does she say the drama was the fallout with the teen. He leaves. He caused drama. Packing his stuff and announcing he might end the relationship. OP has not said anything about the argument or fallout with the teen. Not indicated it was dramatic, before he became dramatic.

She says the situation was the latest drama.

You have just decided that means the teen was the one causing drama. Despite op not saying that. Despite the only dramatic behaviour OP has mentioned is the boyfriends.

Nowhere does it say the teen is the issue. Nowhere.

Whilst I don't agree with the way this guy has behaved I find the mean comments regarding being an empath (or whatever you may like to call it) is pretty harsh.
Just because you don't personally feel something doesn't mean it's not real for another.

No one said anything g about jot feeling empathy. The vast majority of people feel empathy.

This man does feel empathy. He has shown non.

And being an empath is not a diagnosis or an actual thing at all.

How lovely to receive a reading lesson from someone who is making a ton of assumptions on the basis of very little.

A truly empathetic person wouldn't act this way, as he isn't considering the effect of his actions on other people's feelings.

Don't make excuses for him by calling him an 'Empath.' Counsellors often take the person's side, that's what they do, they can even gush over them by calling them things like this, and some therapists don't challenge poor behaviour towards others.

He's someone who's acting like a bit of a twat. A more descriptive thread title would be :-

'Is it possible to manage a relationship with unreliable DP and my kids?' or something?

'Emotionally unreliable' or maybe even 'emotionally unavailable,' as he isn't actually committing (thank goodness! Don't move in with him properly- you'd be at the mercy of his moods.)

I really doubt any counsellor told him he is an empath, I think its much more likely he was talking about how deeply he feels things and has embellished what was said.

Its possible that he can't deal with conflict, and has labelled himself an empath as a way to prevent dissent. It sounds like a 'nice guy' mask for controlling behaviour.

He has said that he isn't sure if he can manage the emotional turmoil and wonders if he is better on his own
Yes he would be.
Leave him to it.
Don't contact him.
He's flounced off - yet again - with even higher drama this time.
Put your DC first and he can fuck off.

I was expecting a thread about a mind- reading DP. That would be problematic for me too thinking inappropriate thoughts about Brad Pitt

I think that it is important to know a bit more about the conflicts. What do you classify as 'a drama'. There's no way that I would stick around if people were being aggressive or rude. I would probably just retire to another room though.

Also, was the drama between him and DS, or was it between others in the family. Maybe he was not comfortable about getting into it with a child who was not his own.

Is 'empath' another word for being a twat?

Empath? He sounds like my 8 year old DD in the middle of a tantrum tbh. Gathering all of his belongings and storming out because he doesn’t agree with something? Pull the other one. He doesn’t sound very selfless or caring to me, he sounds like an immature arsehole.

He sounds co-dependent and like he has poor boundaries. These are bigger 'issues' he needs to address than being an 'empath'. I agree with whoever said above that we are all capable of empathy, but he doesn't sound like he's doing that here, he sounds like he has lost his sense of self. If that sounds like someone you want to be with and raise your kids with, then good luck to you.

I think ppl are being harsh on him. Forget living together while your DC are still at home.

He can't cope with the challenges of it..that doesn't make him pathetic.

@Tennesseewhiskey

Nowhere does she say the drama was the fallout with the teen

It's Inferred by the previous sentence. The drama involved DC from what's been written.

However if there's any fall outs, as there has been recently with Ds who is eldest, DP has needed to walk out and retreat to his house. The latest drama happened last night and he has pretty much cleared all of his stuff out as he left.

It's Inferred by the previous sentence. The drama involved DC from what's been written.

No it hasnt. The sentence was 'tonight drama'. The boyfriends actions were dramatic.

Not feeling comfortable, that's fine. Removing himself for a walk or to another room that's fine.

Packing his shit up and telling her 'Its better for me to be alone' is dramatic and yes, imo, pathetic. That sentence is design to make people feel guilty. 'I will go off and be alone for the rest of my life, because your teen is acting in a way I dont like'.

Its game playing. No empathy there, at all.

Quite honestly, if there was ‘drama’ with a teenager who wasn’t mine and I could go to my own, peaceful home......I’d walk out too.

If he's suddenly realised he doesn't want the hassle of life with teens, that's perfectly fine and he could tell op in an adult manner.

Giving himself the wanky title of empath and flouncing off in a dramatic manner just demonstrates he's pathetic and self absorbed.