Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Stuckinarut79 I found it on a website called funzing.com - it's a site that lists all sorts of activities from different companies. The course itself was run by The Avenue Cookery School in South London.

@Ant330 hope things went well with the chat. It's very emotionally draining even if you do get back together again, so hope it went OK.

@Mylifestartstoday sorry to hear that. It always hurts being dumped so take care of yourself. I'm still feeling very down about being dumped last weekend, so know how you feel and you're not alone.

@Lovemusic33 If you like him then go for it! I'm what some people might call posh, good job etc... and it's never bothered me. My last 2 long term relationships where with women who earned less than me, and both came from a council estate background. The one who recently broke my heart (Miss Confusing) earned even less than them but it didn't bother me at all. If I like someone, I like them regardless of where they grew up or what job they do.

I have stayed over when my 17 and 15yo are home together and I come home early by 7am to take them to school/college and get changed for work. Once a week during the week

@UncorrectedDoormat mr g only lives 10/15 mins from me and I am closer to his work and I work from home. My dd stays at her dads one night a week so we stay at mine or his depending if my ex is talking dd to school or home first (she doesn’t see mr g). We have to make sure we have an early night and not drink more than a few 🤦‍♀️

@Lovemusic33 not quite the same but my dads bf is a multi millionaire and he had a normal job and is retired but you’d never know there was a difference

@Thecat. Thanks, it hurts because he was my first foray into dating after a 20 year marriage so it was hard for me anyway. He was a lovely man though, we had a good chat and it ended on good terms. He’s just in a different place to me, he has no children and can do what he wants when he wants, whereas I have 2 teenagers so couldn’t stay at his, or go away on a whim. He probably thought I could with them being teenagers but the reality is different. I was just happy to get out of the house, I wasn’t that in to him initially but he had been growing on me. Maybe I just need a ONS in case I develop feelings for them!

@unambiguousbeard Something I'm trying to tell myself is that there is no rush, and it's good sometimes to take a step back and do stuff for you.

I was swiping on the apps earlier this evening, and found it quite stressful. I get depressed that no one matches up with Miss Confusing, and also worry that I'll see her profile appear. But having a break and doing "me" stuff is no bad thing.

@bangheadhere40 Half the time I was with my previous LTR (4 out of 8 years) we lived over 200 miles apart, and the distance was never really that big an issue so don't rule it out as 1 1/2 hours isn't horrendous.

@Ant330 glad to hear you've sorted things out. Bizarrely it's given me some hope that Miss Confusing might be having similar thoughts, but I very much doubt that's the case so I need to stop all thoughts of that :(

@Menora and @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking really glad to see things are going so well for you both!

@Mylifestartstoday my recent heartbreak was also my first relationship after an 8 year LTR, and I gather it's not uncommon for the first breakup after a LTR or marriage to be very hard. All we can do is dust ourselves off, take some time to recover and then be ready for when someone else comes into our lives.

I think it's good people don't care about if others have similar financial circumstances or 'poshness'.

I'm just a little bitter after losing loads of cash putting money into relationships and keeping men, I always felt like paying for our holidays etc took money away from my children. My kid's dad I put thousands into our house, he wouldn't leave and I left, still never got it back and he has the house I basically invested in.

Will never have financial ties with a nan again, unless equal.

I'm by no means posh btw 😅

@cat you sound a lot happier which is good! Think we all need to take a step back sometimes. When is your date and does she have a name you can refer her to?

@Menora no he's not the only one, MissH was the first woman to ask me that question as well.

@TheCatWithTheHat please dont take my behaviour as a shining beacon of hope.

I was a dick and made a big mistake! But, it has taken me being a dick to realise that I've clearly been more affected by my exes behaviour than I thought, at least I recognise that now and fortunately have somebody who was willing to give me another chance.

I'm still not entirely sure how you resolve trust issues and assumptions that history will repeat itself, but I'm hoping the more time I spend with her plus better communication on my part will eventually just prove not everybody's the same.

@bangheadhere40 I know what you mean - I did feel a bit bitter after my last LTR ended, as I'd spent a lot of money on holidays for the both of us, and she didn't pay back what she had previously agreed to pay. It wasn't the money I lost that bothered me most, it was that she had agreed to pay it but chose to spend it going out drinking instead.

I'm not sure it would stop me doing the same again though - I think I'm just a slow learner

I do feel happier than last week for sure (This time last week I was curled up, sobbing my heart out). Now I just feel a fairly constant dull sadness, with the occasional stab of pain. I guess that's progress.

As for my next date - that's arranged for Tuesday night, and will call her Miss Haircut. I also spoke to another iron on the phone today who lives quite local to me (maybe a bit too local!) and while I'm not feeling there is much potential, we got on well on the phone and she seems keen to meet so that might be another date later this week.

@Ant330 to be honest, I'm taking anything and everything as a beacon of hope at the moment haha

I got back with an ex many years ago who had cheated on me, and I was seeing a therapist at the time to help me through the initial breakup. She really helped me handle my trust issues after we got back together, so maybe that's something you could consider?

@UncorrectedDoormat yes I stay over once in the week at MissH's but she only lives 15 mins away, so I just get up earlier and make sure I'm out of the house before her kids are up.
They know I'm there but it saves any awkward meeting on the stairs moments first thing in the morning.
She usually stays at mine on Thursday's when we're both childfree and heads home in time to meet the kids when they're dropped off to get them ready for school.
But as I say distance is minimal so it's easy for us.

It is something I'm considering @TheCatWithTheHat and I never thought I'd say that.

I’d recommend it. I’m quite logical and just figured that if my car needed fixing I’d take it to the garage for a trained mechanic to work on it. If I want to lose weight and improve my physical wellbeing I go to the gym and speak to a qualified trainer, and so I figured if I want to improve my mental well being I should go to someone trained to help with that. Happy to talk more about it if you’re interested to hear more.

Yeah if you don't mind I'll PM you at some point. Think I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to things like that so never thought it was for me, but makes perfect sense when you explain it like that 😂

I think I'm going to need to get the rules tattooed on my arm or my forehead. Nearly a 3 hour video call with Mr Dimples that turned very suggestive at the end. I could talk to him for hours. First date is on Friday. Not sure if it's a little clichéd having a first date on Valentine's Day

@Lovemusic33 Surely only someone who was a bit of a twat would care what someone did for work unless it was something that took them away for long periods of time. I mean, they’re not looking for a business partner so why would their job matter?

@UncorrectedDoormat We do an in the week meet, but only because it’s been a while and my son is okay when he’s around. We tend to do every Thursday night (unless son has had a tricky week etc), he comes over after work and stays, neither of us work Friday so we get to spend the day doing stuff each other he only lives about twenty minutes away, we both work in the financial sector so our work places are fairly close together and we sometimes meet for lunch.

@Ant330

I really am surprised that people don’t ask each other, but then maybe it’s a sign they don’t really want to know... I think it is assumed men just like sex in general when they are the same as everyone else with tastes and likes and dislikes

@Dancerinthemoonlight

It’s quite cute having it on V day!
I’ve never been one for that day myself really but I am going out for dinner and I’m excited to give him his Harry Potter triv game as I know he will love it

I definitely recommend counselling. I’ve done it twice in my life, the last time in October/November, for six weeks each time. It helped me over a hump in the road, and to see what I should do about my feelings and behaviour. I’m the ‘strong, sensible’ type so the relief of having someone actually listen to me, structure my problem, get me to focus on me and not everyone else I was responsible for, was fantastic.

Thank you everyone, hopefully he won’t be too bothered about my financial situation or my job. I am concerned about his as he obviously works away quite a bit and spends most of the winter in France. It’s hard for me to travel as I have my dc’s 99% of the time and they both have ASD and have never travelled abroad, so when people mention “travelling and nice holidays” it puts me off a bit as it’s something I am unable to do at the moment. A holiday for me is a few days sleeping in a field in my campervan 🤣 or going to a festival.

I know relationships with other classes can work, my dad lives with a millionaire (though she came into money through her ex husband).

I want to get my divorce assorted but we need to deal with finances and they're so complicated. It makes me want to stick my head in the sand to think about it atm.

*sorted. Not assorted, though that sounds interesting.

Re counselling I am considering too. Is cbt different to normal counselling? Cbt is offered on the nhs that's all, but if it's not the same I may be worth paying for a counsellor.