Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Undecidedsofa so glad you put it to rights. Same thing happened to @jesuisprest on her first night with Mr C and she nearly didn't go back... now she's so lived up she's disappeared!
@eesha I did make time for him. We saw each other 3 nights a week and met friends etc. We were a proper couple. I helped him set up his business. But I'm 15 years older. Which is the real issue for both of us. We both know that if we were at a similar life stage it would have had a future. Anyway the thread will be here to pick up the pieces if there are any.

It just seems a shame ynambiguous that you have put in, what, 3 months work getting over him only to go back to a worse position than before you split.

4 months. Is it worse?

@unambiguousbeard I couldn't do fwb with someone I was in love with. Do you think you'll be able to manage it. It's awful how some people just get under your skin and those feelings are hard to shake. I still miss Mr S at times and it hurts to think he has no feelings for me and probably never thinks of me at all. I think I look at him through rose tinted glasses though.

Mr B has just left. I'm in the emotional sex haze and wishing he was still here.

Oh @ant330 can you remember why you were so sure it had to end? Obvs you know if you go back you have to be certain you won't do this again. I do think you should have talked your concerns through with Ms H first to see if they see things you could have worked on. But then I'm saying that from the prism of having been dumped. And picked up. And dumped again.

I only went out for a couple in the end, wasn't in the mood. I've fucked up!
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I think it all boils down to how I was treated by my ex, the cheating with my mate being the last straw! I've got trust issues, but MissH has never done anything to make me think I cant trust her.
I'm going to have this with anyone I think, and if I can't trust her enough to talk this stuff through then I won't do it with anyone.
She makes me happy and I'm a twat! I think I've just spent too much time overthinking this and sabotaged it rather than go through what I did before.
She's agreed to meet and talk to me today, so I have some grovelling to do. But we also have to talk through the things that were bothering me, we kind of already have and she said we should have worked on them together, they weren't worth splitting up over.
I spent last night in tears and that just isn't me at all. I know if I'd opened up to her then she'd have been there for me, she loved me, I hope she still does and can forgive me.
Wish me luck 🤞

Hey all
Just popping in to say goodbye and good luck. It's time for me to to move on from here. I'm also hacked off with some mn moderation decisions so am deleting my profile. I am fine, timing is right

All the best

@unambiguousbeard then if that's the case, I wouldn't do FWB with an ex partner if I had the feelings you had. You'll only face the same anxieties later on down the line.

From gf he’s in love with to FWB with NSA sex I would say is worse, yes.

I hope you’re ok salty

Aaargh@saltysally. I loved your input! Hope it's because it's worked out with friday's meet

Yeah I think we're both clutching at breadcrumbs @TigerDater He's clearly been missing me since we broke up. I wouldn't go back to a relationship with him though even if were a possibility. I'm not going into it with hope more a sense of inevitability.

Real shame to see you go @saltysally your input has always been refreshingly honest, direct and thought provoking. All the best with everything!

And I'd say the fact we're both still in love with each other is the problem.

Ah @Ant330 Good luck. It's moreorless what she did to you do hopefully she'll understand.

Yes she's said the same unambiguous

Clearly we both have a type but that drags up lots of memories and worries about what's gone before.

Nobody is perfect! I can't punish her, and now me, for things somebody else did to me.

Hope it works out, if nothing else it's clarified some issues I need to work on.

Just read your previous post, how is FWB going to work if you love each other?

Is it just the age difference and being at different stages in life that stops it working as a relationship? Does he want kids for instance?

FWB just sounds like a lot of future heartache for you, but it sounds like you've already decided to go for it anyway?

He says he wants kids but I'm not sure he'll ever have them. He couldn't currently or for the foreseeable. And I'm not sure he'd cope with them. None of his peers (school friends!) have kids. Plus he wants to have them in Greece. And he lives in London. I wouldn't really want a relationship with him now. I can fit into his world and did but he really can't fit into mine. There's so much about my life he just doesn't get. He's from rural working class Greece. I'm a middle class Londoner. Total mismatch in many ways but huge connection in others. If we were a similar age we could work it out but we're not. Anyway. Watch this space.

@Ant330 glad she realises it's the same thing! Bloody relationships are such hard work

Yeah there's a fair amount of mismatch there, good luck with it, but look after yourself 😉

@saltysally sad to see you go, I’ve appreciated your straight talking, sensible advice and thoughts.

Ant, good luck, I hope you’ve had a chance to talk this through with friends, especially those that helped raised the doubts, hopefully talking it through and working it out together is a better way forward, if not in this relationship then in the future.

@unambiguousbeard I don’t have any advice, I know how vulnerable sex makes me and I could never cope with fwb, certainly not one I had feelings for!

I dont even think it's FWB. I don't know what it is.

@unambiguousbeard labels don’t always help! I wish you luck, sometimes we just have an itch or need things to play out so there are no regrets. You sound like you know what your doing - actually you don’t but you sound like you’ve got the right attitude to it IYNWIM!

@ant good luck, hope you guys manage to sort things out today. Isn't it horrible how previous insecurities effect our now dating etc. Something I'm definitely trying to work on!

@catinthehat do you mind sharing where you found the cooking class?

Unambiguous I think you should do what makes you happy. Are you happier with him in your life? Yep it might not end well but chemistry and connection is sometimes worth it. Your hurting now by missing him to protect yourself from hurting (does that make sense?)

Good luck ant

I’m crazy about Big. It’s electric. I don’t know what to do. I need more emotion back. In person I feel he is all in but then we can’t see each other and on phone /message he is just like a good friend. It feels like an elixir affair but we are both single.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 but isn't that how it is in a relationship? The in between bits can only be mundane really?

Yes I feel happier feeling like he's around somewhere even if we don't see each other much. Happier that he's in my life. I have no idea what I'm doing but yes by not seeing him I'm hurting to avoiding hurting. It's going to hurt whatever. Unless it plays itself out which I'm hoping might happen. We haven't arranged to meet or said anything concrete but I'm having some work done via his business next weekend. And I have no doubt he'll pop up at some point wanting to meet me. I won't message him first. And I'm currently still bleeding all over the place which I'm trying not to think about. I shouldn't be.